I recently got suggested the idea of listening to audiobooks and I have pretty much found it an amazing revelation. Usually I just listen to music on the way to work which is all fine and good, but the idea of actually listening to something useful on my daily commute is an intriguing and productive idea.

My first audiobook so far is Bossypants by Tina Fey. She is an amazing comedian and I have been looking very forward to going to work every morning just to hear another chapter of the book.

Anyway, she brings up a few serious thought-provoking points throughout her book. One of the earlier ones was the idea of when she 'first felt like a woman'. There was some survey done with a group of women and apparently most women responded they first felt like a woman when some dude yelled something nasty at them from a car.

Interpret that how you like, but that got me thinking about when I first "felt like a man". And scanning my memories, I felt like I couldn't really pinpoint any particular moment. I went through all the usual life milestones, but it's like none of them really made me feel like a MAN.

There are all the sexual and pubertal ones and those I went through and I remember thinking at the time 'this is happening' or 'this is it?', but afterwards, though expecting some profound life-changing feeling, it didn't happen.

And then there are all the ones related to life and academic achievement and of course as Tina Fey points out, none of those are worthy of validating my existence as a man. Obtaining an education? Overrated.

Even now, as a chronologically grown man with an actual professional career, I'm not sure I can say I feel like a man. Sure, in my line of work I have done countless things to patients that have violated pretty much any semblance of their personal privacy, but none of that makes me feel like a man. (and thank goodness for that. "I first felt like a man, when I gave my first rectal exam to an 80-year old man!" No thanks.) I have broken the worst kind of news and had serious discussions about things I never thought I'd be capable of, but while there are days I do feel validated that I am a legit doctor, my career for the most part has not influenced how I personally view myself.

I guess this is to say I am still waiting for that breakthrough moment when something in my brain kicks and I truly feel like my balls have dropped and my voice has broken two octaves. Maybe this all has to do with being in the closet and I feel so child-like because there is a whole side of me I have tried to repress from the world for my whole life, and the moment I am really open to the world as a gay man, then will I feel like a complete and total bonafide bad-ass.

Or maybe not. People keep talking about how men (well let's call them males) of my generation go through their 20s without this sense of purpose and live in this perpetual state of childhood 'cuz of the way society is nowadays and all that. I mean, I definitely get that. I have a good group of friends back home, that though I love them to death, could probably fit that categorization. I could probably fit that categorization.

About the only time I really could say I started to feel like a man was back in 8th grade. One of my friends was having a pool party and all my usual group of friends was there. We were just horsing around in the pool and then one kid, who was ostensibly the coolest kid in our group and probably our entire school, noticed I had started growing armpit hair. He started teasing me about it and wrestling me around so he could show it off to everyone in the pool. I'm sure the other guys were equally or farther along on the puberty train as me so I was pretty embarrassed that he was making a big deal about it---BUT at the same time this was the coolest kid in the class paying attention to me.

Now having related this story, I see that I am no different from the scores of women of Tina Fey's book who needed another man to validate their entrance into maturity. Great.

In my defense this just happened to be the earliest vague recollection I have of really entering puberty. But to show you how scientific I have always been, even before the pool incident, when I first noticed I was going through puberty at like age 12, I wanted to see how fast my dick was growing so I would measure my erect penis every month or so to mark my progress. While I do remember what my first measurement was and am pleased to reflect that I have gained several inches since then, I unfortunately lost interest in the experiment a few months in and don't remember my actual penis-growing progress. Kind of a shame cuz I think it would be kinda funny now to look back and see the time velocity it took for me to get to "full-size". Man I'm a dweeb.

Anyway, bottom line is, after all this time, I still feel like I'm missing an essential part of myself that feels like it is a real man in this cold harsh world. I'm not sure if it will ever really click with me, but I sure hope it does. Faithful readers, when was the first time you all felt like a man for the first time? Would love to hear your stories....or know there are others out there who feel like they've missed the boat too!

saw this on ESPN and thought..the question is...how do we get these guys to film a threesome together. haha.

a guy can dream right?

another month, another post..

so it's a beautiful sunday but i'm feeling a bit of the loneliness blues. as another update for you guys i haven't seen my cuddle guy for 2 weeks now. long story short i had his keys to check on his house and a few nights later i texted him to see where he was at. he said he was out so later i thought i would be cute and swing by his place to surprise him when he got back. well as you could imagine from that set up, i found him cuddled up on the couch with another guy. apparently this was a good friend of his from out-of-town, but i dunno how many of you cuddle up naked on the couch with your best friends.

anyway i haven't seen him since. he texted me a few times after that and i actually agreed to meet up with him at least one more time. our schedules haven't worked out so that we could meet up, but yes i'm a softie what can i say. it's not like i've been mr. pure and faithful to him myself. hence the weird part about our relationship. open but not so open. regardless, i think it would be best for us both to move on, so walking in on him was probably the best thing to happen. now i have an excuse to cut him loose and we can both find new guys to have fucked up relationships with. besides the lack of sexual chemistry i've written about, there are just other factors that i won't talk about here that don't make this an ideal relationship. while it's nice to have someone to cuddle with and all that, this pseudo-relationship is just no good really.

since then i've just been living the same ol' routine. work, home, sleep, repeat. out on the weekends to partake in the meat market and realizing how sick i am of it. (not that i don't like admiring the hot guys out there, but i'm usually going out to the straight bars anyway.) i'm seriously not this crumudgeony in real life, but i really wonder if all these 20,30 somethings truly enjoy doing this whole mating thing out in the bar scene every weekend. i personally find it a little tiresome to hear the same stupid journey song every night and pay 10 bucks for a crappy drink, but that's just me. maybe i wouldn't be so bitter if i was taking someone home to fuck at the end of the night.

then there's the whole online thing which i think everyone has their opinion on. i float somewhere in between. not trying to judge people's goals online as myself i don't mind an occasional hot hookup but attempts to find worthwhile dating have also been fruitless. is there some sort of strategy i haven't picked up on to meet either nice normal guys or nice slutty guys online? i'm striking out on all counts.

thus here i am in bed on a sunday blogging about my loneliness blues. i think most of us would agree our only real goal is to find someone to be happy with. unfortunately all those factors to find the right person to be happy with are just so darn nebulous and elusive...but if anyone has any tips on how to meet normal genuine guys please share. the holidays are otherwise a perfect time to wallow in misery.

(speaking of which despite yall's advice i caved and put up my xmas stuff a weekend early. but only cuz i had to work post-tday weekend so i had to do it when i had the chance! luckily no one came by my place pre-T-day to judge me...)

A few things

Alright I have the day off so I thought I should finally tend to my neglected blog with some random thoughts.

Update on my love life. I still see the guy I've written about before once or twice a week. Again, there just isn't a sexual spark though and despite his best efforts, when we get together it's mostly just to curl up on the couch and watch TV then go to sleep. I've never had this situation where I like just hanging/cuddling with a guy, but zero interest in doing anything more than that. Maybe it's cuz he's not a good kisser??? (good kissers get 100% their way with me) Anyway he seems to still like hanging out with me even though he's not getting any so I guess we have an acceptable relationship right now. He actually keeps offering to take me to dinner and go on a real date. I have a busy schedule with work so I keep turning him down, but there is an element of my just not wanting to escalate things with him. Maybe to be fair to him I should just cut things off completely and let him chase another guy. I'm not really sure. We had the whole talk about how I didn't want to be in a real relationship with him in September, but here we are still in this limbo of more than fuck buddies but not anything real. It's weird.

On the other hand, I've been getting my jollies from this guy I met on craigslist back in July. We met up once in July for some fun and since then sporadically hooked up every few weeks. (like very rarely) It seems to have been a little more as of late as we've started to gel. The sex works with him so I'm cool with that. He only is able to meet in the daytime though and with my schedule that makes things hard. I finally got some brains about it and just asked him why he only meets in the day, is he married or something. Well he's not married, but he admitted to being in some sort of relationship. (not sure whether it's with another guy or gal)

I wasn't really sure how I felt about that. If he were married I definitely would have cut things off immediately. I know some guys are turned on by the whole 'closeted married' guy thing, but I have so many things I think is wrong with that, that I wouldn't want to be involve whatsoever in that kind of situation. LTR..ehh not so sure. I still think it's fucked up and I'm not trying to be anyone's 'other man', buttttt there are grey zones. My moral compass (which is pretty broken to begin with) doesn't know which way to point for this guy. I should have just never asked..

Bottom line is, I'm not thrilled with this joke of a sex life I have. Still looking for that perfect after-work fuck buddy or just a real, normal boyfriend. My methods for going about either are suspect though and I am tired of cruising grindr and adam4adam. I have been almost tempted to check out one of the gay bars in town, but I definitely don't want to go alone and deal with that awkwardness of looking around for someone to pick up.

Have I gotten closer to being able to admit to the public at large I suck cock? Not really, but I do think I'm moving at glacial speed at getting there. I just can't pinpoint exactly what barrier is greatest for me. There are so many reasons I have to do it, but I just feel like I'm at a standstill. I can be so 'carpe diem' one day and then so 'backwards anti-progress' the next.

I might be a little late commenting on this, but I ran across this guy in the military (marines?) today while I was catching up on blogs. Apparently he was posting some anonymous videos on youtube and then eventually came out for real once DADT got repealed. Anyway I like him for a few reasons..one he just seems like a normal, humble guy. Definitely wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with him. Has a lot of the same thoughts I do about this whole gay thing. Of course I admire him terribly for being able to come out in the military setting. And I think he's young too, like 21 or something. (he seems older..like in the more mature, good way older) I always cringe and sort of hate myself more when I see positive role models like him who can do this when here I am being a little pussycat. Anyway check out a few of his vids if you haven't already. Plus he looks great in a wifebeater. (and it's ok to objectify him cuz he's gay!)

Simple, powerful message.

His coming out to his dad on the phone. Didn't watch the whole thing, but damn to do that live on youtube is crazy.

Aforementioned wifebeater vid..

As for work..no complaints there. I know people say intern year is rough, but I've also heard people say residency is the best time of your career. I think I could say it's going well overall. I've gotten feedback that I'm doing a good job (which is reassuring 'cuz you always feel like you're fucking up at the beginning) and I am training at a good place and I really see myself making good habits that will follow me throughout my career. So although it's barely halfway through, I think the fact that for the most part I like going to work is a good sign.

OK one more thing..somehow it is the 7th of November already. Is it too early to put up Christmas decorations? I LOVE Christmas and love putting up the tree and all that. But I always respect the Thanksgiving buffer and wait til after T-day to do it. But hell I've always been in school the past few years and never get to enjoy the spirit of xmas decorating so I just wanna do it now. I'm all alone in my apartment anyway and I have no one to judge me if I do.....

Now that I've had a few paychecks and all my money isn't being instantly drained by my credit cards, I'm starting to think about getting a few toys to play with.

Specifically a flesh light.

I've always been really curious about them. I've seen enough vids of guys enjoying themselves with it that I think it'd be worth a shot. Anybody splurge on their own and wanna comment? With all the hours I'm working, my hopes of finding a reliable fuck buddy seem to be sinking further and further, and hey I'm getting bored just working with the good ol' hand. Will a fleshlight blow my mind, and my load?

As a follow-up to my last post, I was out with the friend I mentioned in the last post this weekend. It was after the bars closed and we were on our way home. We were with some other guy and he jokingly mentioned there's the gay bar right there if we wanted to keep partying. Then my friend, whom I've probably hung out the most with since we started working, kinda went off on homos, which really surprised me. He actually said quote "I am the biggest homophobe" or something like that. I was a little drunk myself and don't remember his exact words, but basically he said he can tolerate the existence of fags, but he doesn't want anything to do with them and could never hang out with one ever. Little does he know the coworker he's been going out with all these weeks is as big a fag as you can get.

Anyway I didn't really say anything. The other guy who brought up the gay bar joke in the first place was trying to defend fags (thanks man..not) but wasn't really doing a good job. They were kinda going back and forth so I didn't bother interrupting, but I probably should have got my two cents in. I should have at least asked him the question which I fear the most, "what if you found out one of your good buddies was gay".

Obviously I felt very small as this guy who is one of my best buds now is openly admitting that he wouldn't be friends with me if he knew who I was doing in the bedroom. Ironically enough, later on the way home we're just talking about whatever and he's like, "You know I really like hanging out with you".

.....Yea until you find out I like sucking dick..

I can't decide if this changes my opinion of him. I know we live in this ultra pc world now (especially in the medicine world) and his attitude is not really acceptable, but it would be naive to think we can change whole mindsets. I know his background a little and I know this was just probably the way he was raised. It was just a very weird exchange. We hang out enough that it will probably come up again, so I'll have to speak up more the next time and flesh out his opinion more.

Any thoughts on what I should have said instead? Just come out right there and see what his reaction would be? yea right....

The weird thing about living this whole "straight lie" thing is going out with my male buds. Now I have not really made any friends outside of work here, but I do have a pretty good friendship going with this other resident.

Unfortunately he is as straight as can be. He recently got out of a long-term relationship, and luckily for him the city I’m in is the perfect place for him to go wild and be single. So as we currently have a small circle of friends and not too many residents have the energy to party like we do, I am his de facto wingman. Which is fine because I still like to drink and go out and have a good time, but man my friend is non-stop when it comes to the women. He is generally a nice guy, but he's pretty decent looking, and with his little regional accent, he basically can charm anything with a vagina his way.

 So I, being the dutiful friend, must play the role of the sidekick as I wait for him to pick up some broad to bring home to fuck when we go out. I foresee this becoming a problem as I become more sexually frustrated. Would much rather prefer a copilot to try to score some hot guys to bring home. For now I don't mind because I certainly can appreciate the female anatomy and go along with things, and I just think it's funny how quickly he's going through the women right now. But I dunno it just always leaves the question, can gay guys and straight guys be buds without things getting all weird? Maybe having a gay wingman would actually be better.....?

cops

I've had the pleasure of hooking up with not one but two cops in my career as a slut. Not that I knew they were cops when I met them, but after finding that out, of course it added to their respective sex appeal. And these were both straight-outta-your-gay-fantasy-bonafide-hot-ass cops.

The first one I'll tell you about I unfortunately met at the tail end of medical school. (unfortunate 'cuz I would have liked to have been fucking him all throughout med school!) He was probably in the top 5 of hottest guys I've been with. Short blonde hair and the scruffy unshaven look that drives me crazy. Tall, well-built, muscular but not overly beefy. Had especially nice arms and chest. Whenever I saw him he'd be wearing tight jeans and a well-fitted tshirt or long-sleeved that would perfectly show off his very sexy body. He'd definitely turn your head if you saw him somewhere. Oh yea and he had a big cock. Some guys get all the luck.

Anyway somehow I got lucky enough to see him a few times. He was a little difficult to get in touch with and set definite things up, but he was so freaking attractive I was basically his on-call slut and when he was free, I was there. He liked to invite me over under the pretense of watching a movie, but obviously we never really got so far as even setting up the movie before all our clothes were on the floor. After the sexy part was over though we would curl up on his couch together and watch TV and shoot the shit a little bit before we went at it again. I could tell he was actually a really nice guy though and I think he'd probably be a good boyfriend. Other than the physical part, he was nice just to hang out with and it would have been cool to get to know him better. Of course when he mentioned what his job was, that just made him even hotter. I don't think he was out at work, but it would probably surprise a few of his fellow officers to find out a guy like him was gay. Not really sure what the cop culture is like but I could imagine that wouldn't go over that well. But he was definitely a very masculine guy and I for sure wouldn't want to mess with him on the street.

Alas, I had to move away for residency so my only hope is if I go back to visit the city my med school is in. I'll write about the second cop some other time, but it's nice to know there are a few homo cops out there to perpetuate our favorite fantasies right? What the hell is it about men in uniform that make them so hot? A firefighter is definitely on the to-do list. I've seen a few cute ones in the ER and what I would do to one in the supply closet......

Seems like there's been a few new bloggers lately, but thought I'd give a shout out to another one. If you like mine and you're into the whole closeted medical professional thing, there's a 1st year medical student who just started writing.

http://closetmed.blogspot.com/

You can watch his transition from being a bright-eyed optimistic medical student into a grumpy old resident like me. For me it'll be kinda fun to see him go through med school and reminisce on my own bygone times as a student, and just feel like an old creep in general. First year feels like forever ago now, and although it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I definitely wouldn't want to relive it lol. At some point I need to share my second year experiences when I first started sleeping with men and invested more time in looking for my next hookup like a sex-addled congressman over studying. Probably would have done a lot better in school....

(don't worry I'm a good doctor I swear)

I caught up on the "Modern Family" premiere tonight. Still funny as usual, but as I was watching it I was thinking, 'that Tyler Ferguson' is pretty cute.' He's got a lot of things I like..blue eyes, cute beard, that ginger red hair, homo in real life, and overall not bad to look at. (btw in my limited experience with red heads, I've found they all have pretty big cocks..can anybody corroborate this observation with me?) Anyway you'd think he'd have all the makings to be a new found TV crush, but the only thing that would really seal the deal for me is if he had a deeper, sexier voice.

For some reason I have always been very tuned in to peoples' voices. Not that I have perfect pitch or anything, but I think you can tell a lot about a person by the way they speak, and the tone and pitch of someone's voice is almost as important as their physical appearance. Considering most of the way you connect with someone is by talking to them, I think it makes sense that the way they play on your ears is a big part of how you perceive them overall. Isn't there that joke that all the women who work for those phone sex lines are all actually fat? For me, a deep masculine voice just really sets me off. It just kinda makes you turn your head and want to pay attention to them. Don't even get me started on how much certain accents add (or detract) to the sex appeal. So although Mr. Tyler Ferguson is an attractive man, he would be so much hotter if this deep gravelly voice came out of him when he opened his mouth. Anyone else out there have this 'voice fetish'?

Off the top of my head, an example of a voice I find really sexy is Michael Symon. I didn't even know who the fuck he was when I first flipped to him on TV, but I heard him talk and I was like 'damn who is that I must find out'. He does various shows on Food Network. clip of him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KV2JFpfeLp0&feature=related

Incidentally, I hate the sound of my voice. I try to avoid hearing it back at all costs, which is unfortunate because I have to hear it quite a bit now when I am dictating notes at the hospital and have to rewind to listen to something.

fuck the gym

The first week I moved to the city I'm working, I went out and bought one of those door pull-up things. I had one in medical school which I used (occasionally) but gave it away when I moved out. Since starting residency, that pull-up thing has been in its box in my closet. Just two weeks ago I got motivated enough to take it out of the box, but couldn't be bothered to assemble it so it's been in pieces in my living room. At this rate I think I'll have it assembled by Halloween and will actually be using it by new year's. My apt complex has a little gym which I have not even willed myself to check out yet...frick.

I just can't get myself motivated to work out. Sure I WANT to look like the guys on fitness magazines, but hell if I want to put in the WORK to get my body looking like that. This is the world of convenience and easy fixes..where is my easy fix for a ripped beach bod. I would use the excuse that residency is too time-consuming, but I know colleagues who dutifully go to the gym. Me, I'd rather get an extra hour of sleep or go to happy hour. Luckily I've got a pretty good metabolism so all the hospital food and beer I drink hasn't caught up to me, but I'm waiting for the day when my body gives up and says "Nope, here is the beer belly and fat ass body you've deserved all these years." Unfortunately I didn't also get blessed with the genetics like those guys who have the naturally ripped bodies without ever going to the gym. (you know who you are)

One of these days I'll stop wishing for a hot body and just get my ass in the gym to work for it. But as I am currently in bed writing this blog, not happening anytime soon. How do yall stay motivated to go to the gym???

haha looking for an eye candy pic and came across this. Even freaking congressmen have time to work out!

bad medical advice

Just thought I'd address a reader question for everyone's info. Here's the q:

"Hey madman, have a medical related question, saw a scary article about the high incidence of throat cancer among gay men, thought to be from herpes exposure. Thinking about getting the hpv vaccine, it's three injections at $180 a pop. Thoughts??"

First let me preface by saying my medical advice does not take the place of a real discussion with your primary care doc. For all you guys know I am just some creep in a basement making all this shit up, so take anything medical you read from me (or any other site) with a grain of salt. And anyway even though I promise I'm for real, I'm still just a stupid intern fresh outta med school. But here goes..

I've not heard anything about throat cancer and the herpes simplex virus. (the kind of herpes that everyones goes ewwww about). You may be having this confused with HPV, the human papilloma virus. There's a few types of this virus and they most commonly cause genital warts (ew). Other strains are strongly implicated in the development of cervical cancer in women. That's why there's now the vaccine for women against the most common virus strains of HPV to hopefully prevent the development of cervical cancer (and also those unsightly genital warts). But besides cervical cancer, HPV is also implicated in anal cancer, and in my 5 minute google research, some cases of throat cancer. Theoretically then, men getting the vaccine would be protected from HPV and the risk of getting these kind of cancers. This is assuming you get the vaccine before you ever get infected with HPV, as once you get it it's kind of with you forever. (that's why there was the push to have girls get it before they become sexually active)

So cancer is pretty scary. Is getting anal or throat cancer from HPV something you should be afraid of? Probably not. The wiki on anal cancer says there were 5300 new cases in 2009. The wiki for esophageal cancer (throat cancer) says there were 15000 new cases of esophageal cancer. Those are really small numbers. Add to the fact that only a small percentage of these cases were probably due to HPV. Rather than running out to get the HPV vaccine to ward off this small risk of cancer, you'd probably be better off doing something else for your health like cutting a few pounds or stopping smoking, as things like heart disease, obesity, and tobacco are the things that really get people sick in America.

It's always smart to practice safe sex and limit the number of sexual partners you have, but hey we all like to have our fun. Rather than get all paranoid that every blow job you give is getting you one step closer to cancer, just try to be a little smart and know who you're blowing. But for god's sakes do wear a condom when you're fucking. HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis are all still very real STDs you can get. Even the most normal looking guys can be one of those crazy closet bareback cum sluts so don't trust anyone when they say they're clean. Just wrap the damn dick. Not worth it!

what's up dudes..
Been awhile since my last post. Sorry about that. I was on a busy service this month and blogging was the last thing on my mind. I'm going onto an easier rotation next month though so I hope to have more free time and all that. I'm settling into this doctor thing pretty nicely. Even though I'm working a lot, I love what I'm doing so I'm not dreading going into work every day. I mean, I'd rather be sleeping in til 1pm and sitting on my ass all day, but it's not bad. I still basically feel like a medical student who gets paid. It's still super weird to see my name on official hospital documentation or call myself Dr. ______, but I'm getting used to it. I was just answering pages and stuff with my first name the first month, but then someone told me I need to start being legit and using my full title so there goes my modesty and my ascent into asshole-dom lol.

Anyway, I'm still seeing the guy I wrote about in my last post. We get together a few times per week as my schedule permits. It's been alright. I'm still not crazy about the sex with him. Also the other night I had to use his phone and it was open to his texts. I got a peek and it looked like he's still been texting other guys and maybe even meeting up with them? I didn't dig too deep as I try not to be a crazy stalker psycho but it was there. I haven't said anything to him and I'm still not even sure how I feel. We never said we'd be exclusive and honestly I've had a few hook-ups this month outside him too, so it'd be hypocritical of me to judge him for messing around. But I'm still not exactly happy about what I found. At least he could suggest a 3some lol.

That's the weird thing about gay relationships, at least the ones I've mucked around in so far. The concept of fidelity is just so vague and it's always fuck first, talk later. So, normal relationship boundaries are all sorts of fucked up from the get go. For once I'd like to just hang out with a guy for a bit before we started boning, really build up that sexual tension you know, and then mutually agree not to fuck around while we're fucking around. I guess the way I've pursued guys so far that kind of situation is not likely to arise. Where are the nice guy-next-door types looking to date? Anyway with this guy I think I might just start tapering things off with him and/or completely cut him loose. I probably need to buckle down and focus more on my job anyway, rather than think about sex 24/7!

just not that into him

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Pretty much every field of medicine boils down to whether:

1. will this keep the patient alive

2. will this improve their quality of life

3. will this change management or treatment plans

Despite these maxims, you would be surprised how many OCD people there are in medicine who freak out about every little detail. Obviously if you're the patient, you would want a doctor who micro-manages every last thing and knows everything about you, but when you are on the other side as a colleague working in a team setting, all those TYPE A personalities just means there will be a clashing of heads and inevitable conflict. It's often a case of "too many chefs in the kitchen" or worse "blindly follow the leader". It's actually scary how hierarchical the practice of medicine is (at least on the teaching hospital level). There's a very clear chain of command in decision-making, and you try your best not to rock the boat lest you draw unwanted attention to yourself (especially if you're the intern aka the bottom feeder) . I would almost dare to call it nazi-like. It's definitely very military-like.

Anyway, for the most part I know to just go with the flow, but even my easy-going nature can transform into the hidden hyper-competitive aggressive beast lurking beneath. I am just not into being bullied by others. I grew up in a rather anal-retentive family so I kinda turned into the opposite demeanor 'cuz I saw how useless it was to be super anxious and obsessive about details that really don't matter in the long term. Unfortunately a lot of my colleagues have not quite reached that nirvana. It drives me crazy sometimes! Don't get me wrong I am still pretty OCD but I at least have enough faith in my colleagues that they won't make a decision that will kill the patient. (PS it is very hard to kill a patient..you have to really fuck up to do that) Of course the number one maxim in medicine is

TRUST NO ONE. 

It's a strange paradox I work in....

Is it sad that I'm so behind on doing household chores 'cuz I'm working all the time that I'm keeping things refrigerated to avoid throwing them out? Pretty sure half of the already meager contents of my fridge are rotting, but I don't want to make the time to actually throw all that shit out! As long as it doesn't smell, in the fridge they will stay....

I've done a lot of crazy shit since I started exploring my gay side, and I probably won't detail everything as I don't want yall to know what a true sexual deviant I really am, but here's a story of a situation I thought I would never be in....

I met this guy on this gay chat site I stumbled across, you know the kind where guys just jerk off on camera. He messaged me first and we just kinda shot the shit with each other and ended up switching skype names. So from time to time we would jerk off with each other on skype and talk dirty to each other, that kind of thing. It was just kinda fun to do that with someone and I didn't think anything would come out of it. He was quite a bit older than me and openly gay but he looked young enough and at least on cam we had decent chemistry. (and he had amazing blue eyes) I think we kept at it skyping for a few months, not that often. He lived in a major city about an hour's flight away so we entertained the idea of actually meeting up. But me being poor I wasn't gonna spring for a flight to visit him. Then one day Southwest had an airflight sale and suddenly a round trip wasn't looking too bad.

So I brought it up to him..he actually kinda dodged my emails for awhile but finally wrote back and said we could try it. He had gotten out of a bad relationship and hadn't actually been dating or doing anything with guys for quite some time and didn't feel quite that comfortable to do this for real, but he said he'd give it a shot. The deal was he'd pick me up at the airport and we'd try a date and if it went well I could stay at his place for the weekend. If not I would make contingency plans with other friends I knew who lived in his city. Which was reasonable..who knew if we'd actually have real chemistry in reality right. So the flight was booked and here I was making this flight up to meet a guy I (essentially) barely knew! Like wtf was I doing? It just kept running through my mind as I was on my way 'this is happening'.

I finally meet him waiting for me at the airport. There's the shock of actually meeting in person and I think we gave each other this awkward hug when we met. He drives me back to his apartment and we make small talk. Get inside his place and continue making small talk. But there's obvious sexual tension the whole time and soon we are getting down to business. It works. We click. I'm definitely staying the whole weekend.

The weekend was just a combination of sex and sleep..or slex as I heard it termed in some random article I read once. Just kind of a perfect lazy weekend of sex and fun with someone I felt like I knew for a long time. We went out to dinner one of the nights and maybe cuz I was in a city where I didn't know anyone, I felt brave enough to grab and hold his hand walking around in public. It felt good...liberating in fact. And he certainly didn't seem to mind. It was just a good weekend. But it came to an end and although we obviously weren't gonna start a long-distance relationship thing, we left on good terms.

We called each other up occasionally after that. I actually don't think we ever skyped again..I think it would have just felt weird to jerk off on camera to each other after having done the real thing. But maybe 4 months after we had met up for real, he cut off contact from me. Total contact. It was weird 'cuz he had actually called me up like normal one day, but I was out with friends or something and told him I'd have to call him back. When I called back a few days later, he didn't pick up, which wasn't so unusual as we did play a lot of phone tag with each other. So I kept trying a few times and left some voicemails..probably bordering on stalker-like. (hey in medicine you have to be very persistent..all medical students are experts in tracking down random obscure bits of information from the medical record)

But I never did hear back from him. I don't know why. I know he still had some hangups from his last relationship and was hurt pretty badly from it, so maybe he was getting too attached to me and didn't want to become emotionally hung up on me too, especially since there wasn't gonna be any foreseeable future. I'm not sure. It would have been nice to get some answers. You'd think an older more experienced guy would be more forthcoming, but I guess not.  It just sucked to get the knife from him so abruptly with no explanation. But I'm a big boy and I can handle one rejection. Hopefully it was more his deal than mine. I like to think I'm not insane and nutso..but then the crazy ones never know they are crazy.

Anyway, overall it was just a crazy experience and I still can't believe I went from an online chat room to being in the guy's actual bed hundreds of miles away. It was a really fun weekend and we had great chemistry so I don't regret that part. Like a lot of life though, I guess we were just in the wrong place and the wrong time in our lives.

nsa

I love what I do and all, but my life could be a little more glamorous. I think I've gone to bed before 11pm and more like 10pm or earlier for the past few days. Gone are the days of hard drinking late into the night. Even as medical students we managed to find the time to party, but now that I'm expected to act like an adult I can't exactly waltz into work hungover. Besides, the way the scheduling works I get one random day off a week and usually everyone else is working so it's not like I exactly have some drinking buds ready to go. I forgot how extremely depressing it is to go to bed at 9pm on a Friday night when you know the whole world's out there having a blast. So it's been kind of a weird adjustment not to be having much of a life outside the hospital. I think once all my co-interns settle into things more we'll be more willing to go out and have some fun....I hope.

So I dunno if any of you have seen "No Strings Attached" starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. It is a romantic comedy and my excuse for having seen it was 'cuz I saw it on a flight. It was alright as far as those kind of movies, but I actually did kind of relate to Natalie's character. Basically she's this resident doctor (me and my friends could never figure out what specialty she would be in) and she has a friends with benefits thing with Ashton and he falls in love with her but she turns him down at first then realizes she does love him too and blah blah blah you know the rest.

Anyway, before she fell in love with him, her situation made total sense to me. All I could really use right now is a good fuck buddy..someone I could call up after a long day of work, have some fun with, then kick out the door in a hurry 'cuz before I get to sleep for another day of work. It sounds pretty selfish, but there's no way I could have a normal relationship right now. I look at my co-interns who are married  and I just feel bad for their spouses..I doubt they get much quality time nowadays. My life could definitely use a little pseudo-romance. It kinda sucks to be having this great job, making decent money, but coming home to an empty apartment and having no one to enjoy it all with! Is this what people mean when they refer to an "unfulfilled life"? arghhhhh I can feel the sexual frustration building.....I've been cruising a4a for that perfect fuck buddy but I think I am sick of cruising now...

sexy doctor

I figured I could use a profile picture, and as I clearly would not use one of myself I decided to be cheesy and searched "sexy doctor" on google images. I figured I would get one of those "Grey's Anatomy" fools but this guy works pretty well for me. I actually am kinda curious if patients ever fantasize about their docs...we are a pretty smart and good-looking bunch! I have still not decided whether or not I want to drop the D-word if I'm trying to pick up someone. Even though I am only a resident, I still feel like it would just lead to trouble, raised expectations, and/or gold diggers. (joke's on them when they find out how much debt I'm in!)

Or maybe I'm just overestimating the pull being a doctor has on the common folk...we are a pretty vain and self-centered bunch.

continued...

So time to pick up where I left off..I was making my way down this guy's body and was getting ready to suck his cock. He had a nice piece..7 inches and good thickness, and there it was in front of me, so I got to work and wrapped my mouth around it. I dunno if I'm particularly gifted in sucking dick but I always give it the ol' college (slut) try. As I sucked him off, he was moaning and running his hands through my hair so I figured I wasn't doing too bad a job. I worked his cock with my mouth and hand for awhile before he pulled me up to kiss him again. Then we swapped and he got to work sucking me off. And damn was he pretty good. He got my cock nice and slicked up with his spit and really worked it well...I was in heaven. His hand job was almost better than his oral. As he was working me I was rubbing his shoulders, which he seemed to enjoy. So after I enjoyed a little more of his blow job, I asked him if he wanted me to rub his back. He did, so he laid out on his stomach and I straddled his bare ass and started massaging his back and shoulders. He let out several moans and grunts as I rubbed his muscles..I liked that I was giving him so much pleasure and his back and arm muscles felt good to work with my hands so I kept at it for awhile.

Eventually I got tired of massaging him so I turned him over and we resumed making out. He went to go down on me again, then I flipped around so that we could 69. We basically continued this cycle of sucking and jerking each other off alternating with just kissing for quite awhile. Finally though he whispered that he had to cum soon and he wanted to get me off too..so I asked him where he wanted me to shoot and he said he wanted to suck me off and take my load in his mouth. Now normally it's pretty difficult for me to get off from just being blown, but he was pretty damn good at sucking cock so I laid back, relaxed and let him really suck my dick. Between his excellent sucking and jerking me off, I felt that familiar rise in my cock build up and soon I yelled out that I was gonna cum and I shot my load in his mouth. He had been furiously jerking his own cock while he was sucking me off and after he finished taking my load, he immediately came up to straddle my waist and with a few jerks of his cock was shooting 3 or 4 thick ropes of cum on my chest...nice.

After he came he excused himself to the bathroom and I could hear him rinsing out his mouth..hey I couldn't blame him I don't really like the taste of cum myself lol. He came back and brought me a towel to clean up with, and then he collapsed on the bed next to me. He put his arm underneath my neck so I moved in a little closer and put my head on his chest and threw an arm over him. We both ended up dozing off 'cuz I woke up with a jolt and he was already snoring lightly. It had already been two hours since I first got to his place. I shook him lightly and told him I should probably go, but he just mumbled something and proceeded to wrap both his arms tightly around me...oh what the hell like I had anything better to do.

So I stayed in bed with him and we made out lightly as we cuddled. He got me turned around so he was big spooning me and he traced up and down my body with his hands...reaching down to touch my cock which was already stiffening again. He played with my cock and got me fully hard. He continued to jerk me off for awhile as we both laid on our sides before he sat up and laid back against the headboard. Then he positioned me so that I was lying in between his legs, his one hand resting on my leg and the other reaching around to hold my hard cock. He slicked up my cock with his spit and started to jerk me off in this position. I leaned back against his chest and moaned softly as I enjoyed being jerked off by him like this, and it wasn't long before I came again, shooting a second load onto his bed. I turned my head around to kiss him some more and I asked him if he wanted to cum again. He said he was fine so we got up and started to get dressed...it was a slow process though 'cuz we kept stopping to feel each other up and kiss. Eventually we managed to get fully dressed and said our goodbyes...he said I should definitely come back sometime and I agreed..after that hot hookup how could I not want to come back?

So far we've texted each other a few times but we haven't been able to make something work yet. But I definitely wanna see him again..so for my first adam4adam hookup, not too bad!

cliffhanger

sorry guys, i know i left you guys in the middle of a hot hookup story. i want to finish it but i do have to remind you i just started my residency and i'm working 80 hour weeks...not a lotta time to blog! i'll finish it soon though just sit tight. ;)

This will be my first (and prob last) attempt at a sexy post...I'm not a fan of kiss and tell but there's a first time for everything right. I just hope I can do a good job writing about it..if you get even a hint of a boner then I'll feel like I did a good job haha.

So as I have moved to a new city and feeling pretty lonely/horny at times, I finally decided to try out adam4adam and see what it's like on there. Well, I can say it definitely beats manhunt. That POS manhunt just has way too many restrictions and I always end up getting hit on by cock shots. Anyway as new blood on a4a I got hit up pretty hard. Mostly the usual innocuous bullshit like "hey what's up", which is fine and all, but I wish guys would be a little clearer what they are expecting when they bullshit messages like that back and forth for awhile..there's always some endgame right? I end up messaging with this guy, 6'0 180ish, good muscle definition, and some hot-looking arm tats in his pictures. (I'm a sucker for nice tats..they sure as hell can be sexy when they aren't the typical cheesy ones) We bullshit for a bit then get down to business and set up a meeting place and time for my first hook-up in this new city.

I drive out to his place which is about 30 minutes from my place...get the usual feelings of anxiety. At this point of my life (whether you consider this unfortunate or not), I am pretty seasoned at having hookups and I am still alive and haven't been chopped up by a crazy serial killer. But still going into it you never know if it's gonna be one of those awkward cum-and-gos or an actual decent time so it's always a little weird leading up to it. Luckily this was one of the better ones. The guy let me into his place. He was wearing a basketball jersey that showed off his arm tats, shorts, and a ballcap...shaved head. Pretty much the same from his pictures, which is always a good thing.  We sat down on his couch and I think we got about 30 seconds of small talk in before he reached in to kiss me. Hesitant kisses at first, and I knew he had gotten ready for me 'cuz he tasted like mouthwash...nice and minty. We quickly opened up to each other and were kissing heavily on his couch. I love kissing so I am always happy when the other guy is into kissing as well..call me traditional but I like a little foreplay.

Eventually though he stopped, grabbed my hand, and led me to his bedroom. The lights were off but he had some candles lit already..wow this guy really was prepared for me! We stood in the doorway and started kissing again, our hands sneaking underneath our clothes to feel each other's bodies. He took off his jersey and my shirt and started trying to take off more of his clothes but I wrapped my arm around his back and pulled him in to kiss again..just enjoying the feeling of our bare chests against each other. I could feel his hard cock in his shorts and eventually he couldn't take just kissing and pulled down his shorts and worked my jeans off in a few quick motions. I laid back on his bed and he came in to lay on top of me as we continued to kiss and feel our naked bodies against each other. We continued to kiss and play at each other's necks until he whispered in my ear "Suck my cock"...well how could I refuse. I slowly made my way down his body where his fully hard cock was waiting for me...

andddd that's all the time I have to write today! haha I know what a tease.

why not

Lately it seems like a lot of fellow bloggers have had the nuts to come out..ok not that many but it seems huge when they do. secrets started, CBC has as well (his was actually the first 'closet' blog i ever read so it's crazy to see his journey) , and of course my boy socrkid has been doing his thing for awhile now. Reading about all these experiences has been amazing and I have such tremendous respect for these guys. So obviously this has gotten me thinking about what it would be like to come out myself. I think at this point I'm pretty sure my orientation is towards men..yea I could marry a woman and have kids and do the white-picket fence and live a relatively content life, but I know I'd truly be happiest dedicating myself to another guy. (which is a bummer cuz I would love to have my own kid with a woman I was madly in love with..not to sound narcissistic but I got good genes I need to pass on!)

That being said, nowhere have I heard a "bad" coming out story. Overwhelmingly it seems the response is always positive..sure maybe a little surprise, but always supportive, and never has shit really gone through the roof, even in the most conservative places. And the guy who has come out is always pretty much happier after the fact. On the other hand, all of us damn closeted bloggers live in this miserable world of self-torment and doubt....and for what reason??? What have we got to lose???

I know that if I personally were to come out tomorrow, it probably wouldn't be that big a deal. Part of my concern has always been about some friends back home whom I've grown up with forever and love to death, but still post homophobic shit on fb and all that and maybe wouldn't be cool with it. So they'd have to either join the cultural competency of the 21st century or be out of my life. And as sad as that would be, fuck it, I only need to surround myself with positive energy and I know I would have enough love from true friends and family that I really could give a fuck what a handful of boors think about me (that's what I keep telling myself anyway). We live in the fucking 21st century in the United States of America...a country that has stood for freedom for 200+ years. The days to be afraid of being gay should not exist anymore.

I really feel like I'm at a crossroads right now. Especially starting out a new job, new city, new friends, there's always that feeling for a chance to reinvent yourself. I feel like I could do it...just establish it now and let people take it or leave it. At the same time I am starting out a new job, new city, new friends..do I really want to rock the boat now? I love it here so far, but I'm still feeling things out and unfortunately where I'm at now is a little more conservative than the city where I went to med school.

In medicine we always talk about risk versus benefit...for example the risk of going to surgery or not..the risk of a med versus its treatment benefit. So naturally I think about this the same way, and I've always just rationalized there were way too many risks to come out..too much change and potential harm to my life when I couldn't really see any benefits that would come of it. Now those risks, whether imagined, self-imposed, or real, seem to be way too small and the benefits so much huger.

I think what I just need is a man worth all this upheaval to be standing beside me and supporting me when I'm ready to come out..someone who I'd be proud to say yea, I fuck this guy and we're in love. I'm not much for dramatic declarations..it would be great to just bring a guy to a social function and introduce him as my boyfriend, partner whatever, as natural as that. So...where the heck can I find a guy like that??? haha fuck this is complicated.

haha

News flash from one of my medical apps:

Levitra now 9 bucks a pop at Wal-Mart! Lowest price in the industry!

Just don't try to get a prescription from me...

shout out

giving a shout out to a new blog on the web...i've been emailing this guy through my blog for awhile now and he seems like a real standup guy. he's dealing with some of the same issues about messing with guys and he finally decided to start his own blog to get his thoughts out there. i know he's got a lot of interesting stuff to share and i'm excited to read his future posts. check it out! it helps that his first post is about a hot college hook up hahaha.

http://pnwdude.blogspot.com/

congrats NY

Props to NY. Maybe this will start to turn the tide of public opinion on gay marriage. I'm sure it was crazy in NYC last night. So the states where it's legal are CT, IA, MA, NH, VT, DC, and now NY...weird that there aren't any west coast states on there as those tend to be thought of as more liberal. Also how the hell did Iowa ever approve gay marriage haha.

I don't wanna soapbox too much (don't I do that enough on this blog) but I just don't get opponents of gay marriage!!!!!! They spend all this time money and energy fighting it when the hetero divorce rate is pretty shitty, kids are growing up in single parent households, teen pregnancy keeps rising, and let's not even get started on all the hypocrisy in the Catholic church. It just always makes me laugh when they're like "PROTECT FAMILIES, PROTECT MARRIAGE!" when broken hetero families are all around them! I don't get it.

Anyhoo, let's celebrate this not just as a milestone for gay rights, but as a milestone for equality and civil rights in American history. "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union..."

Modern Family

"Nobody wants to think, it's a graduation, a celebration of being done with thinking."

Very appropriate to describe my mindset since graduation. Gotta get back on the horse though 'cuz soon enough I will be officially working and writing orders as a resident MD. Yikes..

So that quote was from Modern Family, one of the few shows I keep up with. I started watching it at the recommendation of some classmates I was on rotation with last year, and while I am not usually an early adopter of a new show, after just one episode I was hooked. It's a very smart, well-written show and they manage to make old sitcom cliches fresh. And of course, it helps that Sofia Vergara is absolutely a stunning and gorgeous woman. If I could bag a woman like her I seriously would never touch a cock (aside from my own) again. Just so incredibly beautiful AND her character has probably become THE funniest character on the show. So that's one good reason to watch. (or two, haha)

The other relevant issue here is the gay couple on the show, both really funny characters. BUT.....while I am shocked and pleasantly surprised that a happy, functional gay couple could be portrayed on network TV, I am a little disappointed that especially in the second season as the character molds are solidfying, they are choosing to make the gay couple well....gay. Especially given how enormously successful the show has become (I think it's the #1 comedy now?), this is a real opportunity to show America that gay men could pretty much be any guy walking down the street. Unfortunately I feel like for either comedic reasons or otherwise, they are falling back on scripting the gay couple as the stereotype at large in the majority of the population..you know the sassy, hands-on-their-hips, flamer gays. Which is all fine and good, but as their characters become more entrenched in that stereotype, I wonder if their portrayal is really doing much to change the mindset of the unknowing, ignorant viewer whose concept of gay men is exactly that.

I love that the show is breaking ground by showing a normal, loving, human gay relationship (with an adopted kid to boot), but hate that they have to resort to certain stereotypes at the same time. I guess America can only handle so many paradigm shifts at one time. I do think by some of the little jokes they slip in the writers are aware of the limitations they face because of the broad audience they have to appeal to. And anyway it's not up to some stupid TV show to challenge whole perceptions of the public. That comes from their peers, like you and me, to show them how normal, how human it is to be homosexual; unfortunately I just still don't feel ready to be a living example of it.

Anyway check out the show though if you haven't, it's really funny!

MAVS WIN!!!

As I suspected, my last post was pretty much incomprehensible and I am sorry for waxing poetic. That's what a blog is for right??? But right now I gotta say congrats to the DALLAS MAVERICKS. I think everyone (with a soul) had to be rooting for the Mavs right? It was really a great series though; I only managed to catch game 5 and game 6 but damn, those were some good basketball games. Anyway I am really happy Dirk finally has a ring and I gotta give props to my new boy JJ BAREA!!! Hahahha man that guy is only 6' but he somehow manages to score some crazy shots. He looks so small on the court compared to those other 7'0 giants, but even 6'0 is pretty huge if you think about it (taller than my ass anyway lol) and he is pretty darn cute so more power to him. Since he is currently dating Miss Universe there is no hope that any guy will ever be sucking his dick but he is still a great ball player and a fun guy to admire so WHOO BOO HEAT! GO MAVS!

Seriously though, I have never really played team sports, so I can only imagine what a crazy feeling it is for someone like Dirk, who's worked like his entire life to win this championship, to finally achieve his goal.  Congrats Mavs fans!

BACK

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Hello all!!
Well I'm still on vacation but just wanted to update to say hey. Thank goodness for free wifi lol. I'm currently taking a break from the madness that is this trip to catch up on things. Just managed to clean out my inbox...whew!

I've been traveling for about two weeks now but it definitely feels like forever! And even though I'm traveling with pretty much my best med school friends, I don't think even we like each other enough not to have a little friction right now lol. Anyway, I love traveling and I'm having a blast, but just feeling a little homesick right now...and gotta remember to call my mom sometime today! It's pretty tough to read blogger on my phone so I got a lotta of your blogging to catch up on too when I get back. Until then, USA USA USA USA!! (One of the many things I've missed out on!)

hello my loyal readers! (yea right lol) this post is to let yall know i will be out of the country on vacation the next few weeks so i will not be updating for awhile now. but never fear, i will return one day with a blogging vengeance. take care til then and happy easter!

it's back!

ok, not that it was ever really gone; the blog author had just changed the name to get rid of a few creepers (like me). anyway, if you haven't already, check it out this guy is really funny.

http://behindthisbeard.tumblr.com

side note: yesterday was 4/20 and i only saw 1 comment related to smoking pot on my fb newsfeed. is this a sign me and all my (fb) friends are getting old???!

real real world

In my endless channel surfing recently (I've been watching a lot of TV lately lol) I caught some of the current Real World, set in Las Vegas this season. It was the typical sloppy drama-filled early 20s bullshit (which I do enjoy...back in college the only two channels we watched in my apartment were ESPN and MTV), and I guess one roommate was leaving for some reason. So as the rest of the roommates were wondering who would be their new replacement roommate, they got in a conversation about having a gay person as a roommate. Then the two alpha males of the house went on a bit of a homophobic rant, talking about how they'd feel uncomfortable around a gay dude, wouldn't want to go out to a gay club but not want to be perceived as being intolerant, not wanna have their shirt off around him, etc etc. Even the girls chimed in about not believing that bisexual people can exist.

I haven't had a chance to write about why I haven't been so keen to let the world at large know I suck cock, but attitudes like that are just part of the reason. I kind of just rolled my eyes at the whole conversation, especially since one of the guys with this homophobia was the former fratpad guy. Not sure if at this point of the season he's revealed his former career, but come on what a load of bullshit. It's just amazing to me that these misperceptions are so pervasive. Even guys in my circle of friends have said similar things. It has always been a weird concept to me that certain straight men are so paranoid around gay men, thinking that at any moment they will be assaulted with a blowjob, when I doubt they are so attractive that women instantly flock to them at a bar. In fact, among my friends who have voiced this paranoia, I am quite certain how woefully lacking their own sex life is.

I guess what really bothers me is that there has to be that distinction of sexuality at all. I would say 95% of the men I've been with are just typical guys, and then maybe a handful might have been the more stereotypical "flamboyant" types. Regardless, there seems to be this idea that gay men don't understand normal social boundaries and only view straight men as sexual prey or something. I don't know if it just happens to be an American thing, but I hate how hung up people get on sexuality and how it becomes such a defining characteristic.

And yes, I understand that the whole issue with gay rights and social acceptance is that the regular joe men who could represent how very normal gay men are, are the ones who refuse to come out of the closet, thus allowing these misperceptions and stereotypes to persist blah blah blah. If only it were that easy.

Speaking of which, in my blog cruising I came across this post a few weeks ago. LINK Interesting background and story, definitely some food for thought. Maybe it is that easy...

24/7

in honor of the NHL playoffs that just started, i thought i would plug the HBO 24/7 series "road to the winter classic". it's a 4-part in-depth documentary that follows the washington caps and the pittsburgh penguins the month leading up to this year's winter classic. i am completely not a hockey fan, but my friend made me watch the first episode and it is just so well-done that i was hooked and came out of it actually liking/appreciating hockey. getting down and seeing all the nitty-gritty details the hockey players go through was incredibly fascinating and gave the game a whole new dimension that even i as a non-fan could appreciate. i didn't even know what the fucking winter classic was before i watched this documentary!

so coincidentally i caught the end of the caps-rangers game tonight on tv and it reminded me of the series. sadly it has done little to pique my actual interest in hockey as this was probably the first hockey game i've spent more than 5 minutes watching all season. pretty exciting game though, caps won in overtime. but anyway, if you're at all interested in team sports you should check out this series. plus as a bonus there are a few good-looking chaps there playing hockey...i am too embarrassed to name my favorite guy between the caps-pens but i will say he is on the caps. (and no it's not ovechkin)

not that i would ever do such an unprofessional thing, but man sometimes i would just love to pull a hot nurse or doc into a hospital supply closet or empty patient room for a quickie. isn't that the stuff porn fantasy is made of? don't think losing my job if i got caught would be quite worth it, but one can always imagine how f-cking hot that would be. as someone once told me, the lower you are on the totem pole, the easier you are to replace, so maybe i'll fulfill my fantasy when i'm an attending some day.....and then get sued for sexual harassment or some BS like that!

"i swear it was consensual!"

damn, i've really been slacking on updating. funny thing is i always have random thoughts i'd love to write about, but i never have the time to sit down and formally write them out. such is life right.....especially for me the habitual procrastinator. i'll get a real update up soon!

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well it's been a crazy past few days. i MATCHED aka i now have a job for sure as a resident doctor in june! i'm really excited...it's gonna be in a city i have absolutely no connections to, but i'm pumped to experience something new and meet new people. (alternatively also terrified about moving to a new city where i won't know anyone...) overall though, it's such a great feeling to be able to look forward to this next stage of my life. and to know i'll finally be making some $$$$ in june!

everything leading up to and following match day has just been a shit show. our coping mechanism last week to deal with the anxiety of upcoming match was alcohol, and more alcohol, and all the celebration post-match has included alcohol, and more alcohol. my liver hates me, but i think this string of binge drinking will continue for at least a few more days. i gave myself a break today, but i'm sure i'll be out for a few too many drinks again tomorrow night. at what age exactly is it to be inappropriate to still be binge drinking lol.

it is honestly so incredible to finally be at the end of medical school. it's only been 4 years, but it feels like i've been a student forever. and now that there's less than 3 months left, i'm sure time will kick into hyperdrive and it will be over in a blink...right when it's starting to get good! of course somewhere in the midst of all this celebration, i need to remember to crack open a book once in awhile 'cuz all the info i've learned the past few years is leaking out at an exponential rate!

man, crazy how time flies sometimes. i have a few things to update about...so here goes.

first, monday kicks off match week, when all med school seniors find out where they're gonna work, so keep your fingers crossed on our behalf. there's been enough anxiety about this and my strategy has just been to put it out of mind so that's enough about that lol.

second, i have not had a chance to update because i took a few days to go to NEW ORLEANS for mardi gras. needless to say, it was a crazy experience and i have been playing major catch up since getting back. i'm not sure what new orleans is like on a typical weekend, but i must recommend that if you go to new orleans, mardi gras weekend is definitely the time to go. crowds of people, alcohol a plenty, beads upon beads, and lots and lots of fun.

unfortunately as i went with straight friends, i didn't really get a chance to check out the gay bars. i did manage to sneak off on my own one night and checked out a few of the gay bars. i don't know whether it was just the mardi gras season or new orleans at baseline, but there was a fair amount of cock out in public at these places. someone was telling me a black screen over the balcony was put up to shield the public for that reason lol. anyway i won't go into specifics, but i did engage in some public nudity after some encouragement from some new friends. i can confidently say i have never whipped my cock out in such a public forum lol. i did draw the line at giving/receiving head in public, although there were many others who did not have an issue with that. as most patrons and workers did not bat an eye when it did happen, i guess i shouldn't have been such a prude lol.

besides that quick foray into the gay bars, just doing the regular bourbon street stuff with my friends was fun and our livers were all sufficiently exhausted by the end of our trip. i must say i was surprised there wasn't more titty flashing as that was my general idea of mardi gras. i guess ladies WON'T do just anything for some plastic beads. overall though new orleans was awesome to visit and i would love to go back some time, even not during mardi gras.

in other news, i recently reconnected with an old fuck buddy. while it is nice to be having sex more often, i always feel like there's a certain spark missing when we hook up. even guys i've just had one time things with, i can instantly feel when there's that passion and urgency. with this guy, not so much...things are a little tamer. but we have enough fun that i'm not complaining as it is. plus he lives close to me and likes sleeping together like i do so i've stayed over a few nights. (yes i am not ashamed to admit i like cuddling and spooning lol) it is pretty clear he likes me more than i like him, so i wonder if that is playing a role for my lack of passion..you always want more what you can't have right?

oh yeah, that reminds me, i was planning on giving up masturbation for lent. i'm not catholic, but i like the concept of giving up something. a buddy of mine from hs and i actually tried giving up jerking off for lent one year. he managed to make it all the way, i think i lost it somewhere in the 30-day mark. in my defense he is actually catholic, so i think he may have had a little more impetus to stay true. anyway since that year, i've always wanted to go the full 40 days, but clearly have never had the willpower to do so. i was gonna try it again this year, but then i realized realistically i could never do it, even if i gave myself the caveat that i couldn't jerk off, but could still get off by another person. however, all is not lost as i will eventually be going on a month long trip with some buddies to celebrate the end of medical school. so given the lack of privacy i will have on that trip, i am thinking about celibacy for that period. given what a sex addict i am, i am sure that will fall through also, but i'm going to give it a shot haha.

finally, just wanted to say a word about the japan earthquake. i always feel really frivolous and guilty when i update because then i think about all the tragedy in the world i could be expending my energy on, but i guess if you wanted to read about that stuff you'd be somewhere else and not on this blog. so i will not be a debbie-downer and recognize that sometimes we all need an escape to the less profound things in life. but do take a moment to check out this link, it has some pretty powerful images from the quake. http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/03/massive_earthquake_hits_japan.html

alright, happy sunday everyone, hope ya got to sleep in and make up for that stupid daylight savings time!

one of the things i love about being in medicine is how it can always take you out of the bubble of your own life and make you truly appreciate life. every patient has a story to tell, and one of the best parts of my job is being allowed into a patient's life to find out their story. a person's state of health is so intimately wrapped in the details of their personal life that we as the healthcare provider can't help but be sucked into that world. some docs don't really like that and prefer to compartmentalize things and know the bare minimum to do their job, but i kind of like getting the whole story.

anyway, most of the time we kind of gloss over against the shit we see every day as somewhat of a defense mechanism, but sometimes there are just those moments where you still get hit by the gravity of a patient's condition. recently i had a patient, pretty young (as in his early 50s) who was in a coma after suffering cardiac arrest in the field. he was in the ICU and eventually going to be formally pronounced brain dead and put up for organ donation. so my team saw the patient and after we left the room to discuss his case, his wife came to visit. i watched her out of the corner of my eye as she walked in to the room. she gave her husband a small kiss on the forehead, quietly rearranged his blankets, and took a seat to watch over him. just seeing her little gestures of affection and knowing she would never be able to have her husband back, that even as he was in that room breathing with his heart still beating, he was already as good as gone forever from her....those are the hard parts of the day...but also the parts that remind me to be so thankful that i really only have stupid bratty first world problems to deal with.

on a day-to-day basis it's easy to get swept up in the chaos and drama of our own lives and even become overwhelmed by it sometimes, but i think as long as you maintain a healthy amount of perspective, you can always find something, someone to be joyful about in your life.

rank list done

another week done, another week closer to graduation. we turned in our rank list this week, which is basically a list prioritizing where you want to work after graduation. you don't actually get a choice; you prioritize everywhere you interviewed, the hospitals prioritize everyone they interview for a job, and some watson-like computer compares your list to the hospitals' and somehow spits out a match. given how important it is to get a job, some people have applied all over the country, from the east coast, west coast, midwest, south, etc etc. but they won't know where they'll end up until match day because you could end up anywhere from your first choice to your last choice depending how desirable a candidate you are. and once the match is made, you are essentially locked in, so even if you end up with your last choice in shitsville, you still have to accept your new position. if it sounds confusing and stupid, you're right, it is. but anyway, at least our part is done and out of our hands, so now just to wait for the official results in a few weeks.

in the meantime, i am doing my best to enjoy all the free time i now have. kind of like senioritis, but lamer 'cuz we as future professionals try to maintain some semblance of maturity. actually scratch that i feel like i'm back in undergrad again. i've been catching up on my tv, watching movies, playing videogames, drinking, going out, and sleeping late...pretty much exactly what i was doing a few years ago in college. there was this article in the WSJ recently about how guys in their 20s are perpetually stuck in adoloscence and......i agree! hey, if growing up means forgetting how to have fun, i never want to grow up.

the bad thing about all this idle time is that i am still as horny as ever. unfortunately i've dropped contact with most of my old hookup buddies so that avenue is kind of dead. i was even thinking about setting up an adam4adam account, but i am doing my best to refrain as i don't really want to go down that slutsville path again. so maybe i will just take a vow of celibacy til graduation lol.

distracted

this is a perfect lazy sunday. i have been trying to get some work done but thanks to the wonders of the internet, i have found plenty of distractions. it doesn't help that it seems to be one of those days where sex is the only thing on my mind. sometimes i seriously think i have a sex addiction, then i remember i'm a guy and it's normal hahaha. fuck though, i'm sure you are all familiar with how it feels to just be so horned up and have no release.

i am very pissed at this invention known as tumblr because one link just leads to another..kind of like wikipedia but not quite as educational. here are some NSFW links that i have been enjoying.

http://hotandhung.tumblr.com/
http://fuckyeahnakedguys.tumblr.com/

i think a good fuck with some of the guys in those pics would be sure to cure my raging horniness right now lol. i've definitely spent enough time dicking around today so i will try to get my mind focused after this. happy sunday!

RELIEF

i finally manned up and got HIV tested. i had been putting it off for being either busy or scared to find out the result. well, i am negative.

NEGATIVE!!! HUGE, huge relief. it's been 2.5 months since my exposure, so i am pretty confident this is a true negative. fyi, there is a window period for detection where it can be missed for as long as 6 months, but i am taking this result as a clean slate. a true clean slate this time...no more fucking around with unsafe sex. it just is not worth it, and the anxiety, fear and every emotion in between i've been dealing with since this latest exposure happened is more than enough. that all being said, i have to take this opportunity to soap box a little, both as a future doc and just as a regular guy facing the same risks and temptations we all do.


just don't fuck bareback.

(unless you completely, completely trust your partner is negative.)


we all know about HIV. i don't have to write a thousand-word essay to tell you all the bad things about it. unfortunately for whatever reason, HIV infection has actually increased in the past few years. the CDC has reported that the rate of new HIV infection is the highest in the under 30 population, probably the population most likely to be having unprotected sex, multiple partners, and probably the age group of a lot of the guys reading this blog.

everyone has their reasons for fucking without protection (i know i've had some very flimsy ones), but i doubt there's a single good one out there that is worth YOUR HEALTH. your own, insanely precious, immutable health. one thing i have definitely learned in medical school is how much we take for granted our good health and what a fucking gift it is to be healthy. why fuck it up for one, two, a few stupid loads?

i doubt anything i write could be that persuasive, but i thought i should try something as being a doctor is all about giving advice no one will listen to anyway. and i think one personally just has to get to that point to be responsible about one's sex practices---it's taken me awhile but i think i've finally gotten there.

bottom line, if you're not practicing safe sex already, just pause and think about it the next time. i know it's a completely different thing in the moment, but YOU, and your health, are just so much more valuable.

happy vday!

first of all, happy valentine's day to all, whether you have someone to spend it with or not.

i personally do not. i haven't really done anything for valentine's for the past few years, which is cool with me. at work today i was looking forward to coming home and getting some productive things done and hitting the gym tonight. but seeing people with flowers and gifts on the way home kinda bummed me out and now i just feel like sitting in bed wallowing in self-pity for a few hours lol. haha nah i'm good, more power to anyone who's having a special 2/14. i however, will be spending it listening to sappy 80s love song off pandora. right now "promise" by when in rome is on lol.

so by now you've probably heard about the chris lee/craigslist debacle. if not, do a google search. short story even shorter, a middle-aged, married congressman fudged some details about himself and responded to some craigslist personal ad and sent the woman a shirtless pic of himself, all off his own personal email account. once the woman found out who he was and went public with what he did, he just about instantly resigned. i could get into my love-hate relationship with craigslist, but for the sake of my dignity i will refrain from going into much detail (for now) lol. but this story is all the more reason why i have done my best to avoid random hookups off that, or any other site now. thank god for the republicans he wasn't responding to gay personals. another self-loathing homo congressman is probably the last thing the GOP wants right now. anyway i'm not saying i'd do him, but chris lee has a pretty good body for 46. i definitely wouldn't mind having a body like that at 46 lol.

i can't decide if the internet has been a force of good or evil, at least in regards to closeted men. on one hand it's an invaluable escape valve for releasing male sexual energy, but at the same time it probably keeps guys from seriously confronting and coming to terms with their sexual orientation when they can just pop online and arrange a quick hook-up. but then again, i don't really know what closeted guys did before the internet--rest stops? backwood roads? i can't imagine that being a much better alternative.

OK, i could spend days pontificating on the morality of craigslist hooking up, but given that it is valentine's day and cl is generally a depressing place, i will save it for another day. make love, be happy, think positive thoughts, and believe in the power of love!

buzzed

i just came in from a night out and i am a little buzzed right now. it was a pretty fun night. hit up a few bars with my friends and ended up having enough drinks to get a good buzz and have a good time. i flirted with a few chicks, but didn't really go much further with them. i probably could have, but decided that it probably wouldn't be a good idea for a random hookup tonight. i think i actually got hit on by a guy too, which is unusual because i was at 'straight' places and i don't typically get hit on by guys. i guess his gaydar was on point, or maybe i'm just seeing everything through beer goggles and taking anyone talking to me as an attempt to get in my pants lol. anyway it was fun, but bottom line i am here in bed alone and not having sex so you can judge yourself how much success i really had tonight lol.

but dude, one thing i wanted to write about before i head to bed is what a pet peeve phones are for me. i feel like people are so controlled by their phones. every few minutes inevitably someone is pulling out their phone to check something. call me old-fashioned, but i think it's pretty rude to do that when you're in someone else's company. unfortunately it's so commonplace that i think people don't think it's a big deal. it is incredibly obvious when you're out though. i guess most people have somewhere else they'd rather be 'cuz if you look around you'll see that pale blue glow of a cell phone and someone furiously texting an unknown party. i mean, if you're out and you're not enjoying the company of the people you're with, why the fuck are you there in the first place? i'm definitely not 100% innocent and i've had my fair share of furtive booty call texts i try to answer when i'm out, but it's definitely a little ridiculous how addicted people are to their cell phone. 

so i'm not a huge fan of jerry seinfeld but this clip about cell phones is pretty good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYDA7__znfY&feature=related

tomorrow's friday night, so if you're going out, just try to keep your cell phone deep in your pocket the whole night and observe how many people you can find in the bar looking to see what blackberry or iphone commands them to do lol.