Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sonnet 116.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds 
Admit impediments. Love is not love 
Which alters when it alteration finds, 
Or bends with the remover to remove: 
O no! it is an ever-fixĂ©d mark 
That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 
It is the star to every wand'ring barque, 
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken 
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle’s compass come: 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 
   If this be error and upon me proved, 
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

would i want to be straight? the question has popped into my mind every now and again and was a discussion point in the 'weekend' movie, which has made me think about it more the past few weeks. i think i've come to the conclusion that i wish i could be straight, but in the same way i wish that i could win the lottery, or be an olympic athlete, or drive a ferrari to work. being straight would be a nice luxury in life but i'm fine with being gay.

i know some of you are probably scandalized that i would dare wish to be straight and renounce liking dick, but being straight would make life so much simpler. look at all the angst in this blog about coming to grips with being gay. look at all the other blogs about men dealing with the same thing. isn't it weird that we are so mixed up and lost and alone on this journey that we have to turn to the internet to find some bonds and community. i doubt there's quite a straight equivalent to this blog community of closeted/semi-closeted men.

wouldn't it be nice if i could tell my mom truthfully when she asks why i don't have a girlfriend is because i'm just a loser with bad game, not because i'm a loser with bad game who also only really plans to bring home a boyfriend one day. wouldn't it be nice if i could go out with my buds and try to chase after women with them like a normal dude instead of secretly checking out grindr on the side. wouldn't it be nice if i knew that some day i'll be a dad if only i found the right woman to have kids with (having kids being one of my absolute goals in life), and not have to also worry about finding the right male partner and then going through some crazy adoption process eventually. wouldn't it be nice if the last 4 years of my life wasn't preoccupied with coming to terms with being homosexual like it has been?

i think it would be. maybe these wishes are all just the sound of a guy who still hasn't accepted himself as being gay, but honestly i think i have. i will always and forever want to be with a man, have sex with a man, fall asleep next to a man, love and cherish a man, and i'm 100% ok with that. in fact, i can't wait until i find that man. i still think life would have been easier, simpler and just as fulfilling if i were just...straight. people always say "oh i would never take back doing 'x' because then 'y' would have never happened." the reality is, as long as that other path didn't lead to your imminent death, you probably would have been just fine and none the wiser. maybe one day i'll look back on this time of my life and laugh at all the emotional turmoil i had as i'm driving down pacific coast highway with my amazing perfect boyfriend, but right now, i just feel like it (being gay) has been something more like a nuisance. am i completely unforgivable for wanting this? life has enough curveballs as it is, and the sexuality curveball is just one in the lineup i would have preferred to have not had to hit.

Friday, June 8, 2012

another one of my manic sporadic goes guys.

may was an insane month. i was on the hardest rotation of the year and i could not wait for the month to be over. life basically consisted of work, sleep, work, sleep, work sleep repeat ad infinitum. i've been pretty lucky in that i've had a pretty good intern year; i've loved or at least tolerably enjoyed going to work all year, but for once last month i wanted to crawl in a hole never to return. i think part of it was having to work straight nights. while i've worked overnight intermittently throughout the year, i didn't have to do dedicated nights til last month, and boy you'd be surprised how depressed you get when you don't see the sun. anyway there were a few bright spots last month but for the most part, work sucked.

now that i'm back on a normal service though i'm much happier. i can't believe my intern year is coming to a close. i keep thinking back to one year ago and it's so weird to imagine where i was then. i still have a lot of experience and learning to do, but i definitely wonder what dr. me last year really knew about anything.

as far as personal stuff, not much to say on that front. i signed up for okcupid but haven't had anything come out of that. i am so desperate to date but these online avenues just don't seem to be working out for me. the other option i suppose is to prowl the gay bars but i'm not sure that's a good idea either.

i watched "weekend" today which was recommended on closet med's blog and maybe there is hope for meeting mr. right at a club. i knew i had to watch it after it used the antlers song "i don't want love" in the trailer, but i don't have netflix so i did the dishonorable thing and downloaded the movie off a torrent. i owe it a legit viewing at some point but anyway i'm not sure how i feel about the movie in the end.

i think if you're reading this blog you should probably see it. i didn't find it incredibly ground-breaking or moving, but it explored a lot of thoughts i think any typical gay man has probably had on his own at one time or another. and i guess that's the point is that it is just an honest depiction of two regular gay guys who maybe are falling in love with each other. i wonder if perhaps a straight audience just finds it fascinating to delve into this other world of homo love. i also thought the sex scenes were a little too graphic (not that i minded), but maybe that's another point by the writer/director regarding our views of heterosexual vs. homosexual sex scenes. anyway i'd still recommend it because it's been a few hours since i watched and it's still on my mind for a few different reasons. in reality i probably highly identify with the main character...

watching that movie just brought the concept of relationships back to the forefront of my mind. i am so incredibly ready for a relationship. being in hell last month just reminded me that i need someone, something outside of work to make life worthwhile. one of my english teachers said something about marriage just being about having someone to be a witness to your life, and that line always stuck with me. now i just googled that quote and apparently it's from the movie "shall we dance" starring richard gere and j-lo, so i'll just pretend he came up with it on his own or maybe he had prefaced already that that's where he got it from, but i still think that's a pretty powerful concept.

i also remember reading an article with some actor saying the best thing about his wife is that she is someone he would always want to eat lunch with. practical, but so insightful.

a witness to my life, and someone i could eat every meal with. that's what i want.

perhaps more unsettling is that the movie brought to mind a past guy that i've been trying to forget for awhile. while i think love can be instant and it can also be built brick by brick, i hooked up with this guy several years ago and he was just someone that i instantly clicked with. we had amazing chemistry and got along great and i couldn't get enough of him when we first met. he was completely my type and i was his. things broke down though when he wanted to really make a relationship out of our hookups. i was still pretty new with being with guys and he wanted to make a boyfriend out of me. he was completely out though and pressured me about why i was holding back about being out. here i am in 2012 out to 1 whole person so you can imagine how that went over then. we were just in two very different places as far as the gay spectrum was concerned, and there was no way a relationship would work between us. so we called it quits, then oscillated between on and off for awhile until i shut things off completely my last year. he was too much of a temptation. he still texted me a few times after that, maybe innocently, maybe not, but there was just no way i could see him without wanting to rip his clothes off.

more often than not my mind still drifts to him as maybe 'the guy who got away'. what if i were in a different place sexually and completely out when i met him? even now as i'm making baby steps? could we have made something work? could we have been happy together? i've been with enough guys since then, but it's him i always come back to. is that normal? is it just because i actually felt like i had a connection with him, something i haven't really experienced since? i'm not sure. i do know i would love to feel that way about someone else now, but good lord is it hard.