tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19003199802809334022024-02-08T01:35:13.109-05:00pathologically confusednothing to see here, just another closeted professional.madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.comBlogger129125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-3270266412656266702015-10-23T01:35:00.002-04:002015-10-23T01:49:52.001-04:00<a href="http://espn.go.com/olympics/story/_/id/13942305/olympic-freeskier-x-games-star-gus-kenworthy-first-openly-gay-action-sports-athlete" target="_blank">Gus Kenworthy is gay.</a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11220056_991556114218804_2937938849319185845_n.jpg?oh=3608ee2dbcf10a8a86cb03a55ae39567&oe=56C7A9FC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11220056_991556114218804_2937938849319185845_n.jpg?oh=3608ee2dbcf10a8a86cb03a55ae39567&oe=56C7A9FC" width="532" /></a></div>
<br />
Recall my obsession with the Winter Olympics; Gus was just one of the many athletes I crushed on, even more after he became known as the hero to the Sochi stray dogs.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/v/t1.0-9/10959467_852395451468205_1536541010885984461_n.jpg?oh=59f2716a85c13d0d4c46274d632fa3e6&oe=56C8CE82" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/v/t1.0-9/10959467_852395451468205_1536541010885984461_n.jpg?oh=59f2716a85c13d0d4c46274d632fa3e6&oe=56C8CE82" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I always fantasized a fun, athletic, good-hearted guy like this could be into guys, too, but figured that was wishful thinking for an athlete in extreme sports.<br />
<br />
I was shocked to see the headline today about Kenworthy. Reading his story, I was more struck by how similar it sounded to the way I've felt the last several years:<br />
<br />
<br />
Worrying about being accepted by friends and colleagues.<br />
<br />
Enduring offhand homophobic remarks and internalizing it as personal judgment.<br />
<br />
Wanting to be like the rest of the guys but always feeling different.<br />
<br />
Living a double life of lies and deceit.<br />
<br />
Being weighed down by dishonesty and fear.<br />
<br />
Wishing to have a man there as open support.<br />
<br />
And finally, the FREEDOM and LIGHTNESS of letting it all go.<br />
<br />
<br />
My journey has been tough and it's still not complete (I'm still not out to my mom=extended family and thus I try to keep a lot of stuff off social media so something doesn't inadvertently get back to her), but it's somewhat comforting knowing there are even high-profile guys like Kenworthy who have struggled with the same path.<br />
<br />
I peeked at some of the comments about his story on ESPN. Not unexpectedly there were the typical homophobic or the "WhO CAreS?" comments. I found the "who cares" comments to be more interesting. While I'm sure heterosexuals with no interest at all in the LGBT community find the stories about the latest homosexual who comes out to be tiresome, they are so critically important to the countless out there struggling with their own truth.<br />
<br />
Much in the way one might not notice sexism unless dealing with sexists, or racism unless facing racists, or religion, or whatever the discriminatory flavor of the day is, homophobia is still blatantly/subtly pervasive and we still need guys like Gus to show that it's normal to be gay.<br />
<br />
Interestingly, while I prescribe to the notion that we, as gay individuals, are more than our sexuality, it does undeniably make up a huge part of our identity. Ask any gay person if being/still being in the closet has somehow shaped who they are, and you'd find a liar if they said no. Straight people have had the luxury of never having to think twice about their sexuality; for some of us, it's something that bores on our mind relentlessly.<br />
<br />
I am so happy that Gus Kenworthy has chosen to come out publicly. I hope that he can take joy in now being able to be his authentic self and continues to welcome the role of being a public role model to so many who may still be scared to take those steps towards being weightless.<br />
<br />
<br />
"I am gay.<br />
<br />
Wow, it feels good to write those words. For most of my life I’ve been afraid to embrace that truth about myself. Recently though, I’ve gotten to the point where the pain of holding onto the lie is greater than the fear of letting go, and I’m proud to finally be letting my guard down.<br />
<br />
My sexuality has been something I’ve struggled to come to terms with. I’ve known I was gay since I was a kid but growing up in a town of 2,000 people, a class of 48 kids and then turning pro as an athlete when I was 16, it just wasn’t something I wanted to accept. I pushed my feelings away in the hopes that it was a passing phase but the thought of being found out kept me up at night. I constantly felt anxious, depressed and even suicidal.<br />
Looking back, it’s crazy to see how far I’ve come. For most of my life I’ve dreaded the day that people would find out I was gay. Now, I couldn’t be more excited to tell you all the truth. Whether you've suspected it all along or it's a complete shock, it’s important for me to be open and honest with you all. Y’all have supported me through a lot of my highs and lows and I hope you'll stay by my side as I make this transformation into the genuine me - the me that I’ve always really been.<br />
<br />
I am so thankful to @ESPN for giving me this opportunity and to Alyssa Roenigk for telling my story to the world. I think about the pain I put myself through by closeting myself for so long and it breaks my heart. If only I knew then what I know now: that the people who love you, who really care about you, will be by your side no matter what; and, that those who aren’t accepting of you are not the people you want or need in your life anyway.<br />
<br />
Part of the reason I had such a difficult time as a kid was that I didn’t know anyone in my position and didn’t have someone to look up to, who’s footsteps I could follow in. I hope to be that person for a younger generation, to model honesty and transparency and to show people that there’s nothing cooler than being yourself and embracing the things that make you unique. Click the link in my bio to read the full story and keep your eyes peeled for the Nov issue on newsstands soon!"madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-61819776262155597322015-09-17T02:36:00.002-04:002015-09-17T02:40:32.638-04:00hey guys!<br />
wow it's been awhile. just been so caught up in life that i've put this little blog on the back burner. i've been thinking a lot about the the events the last few months. when gay marriage was upheld a few months ago i remembered someone posting a quote on facebook from tim cook (apple CEO) when he came out about how individually our bricks add up to something even though alone we don't feel like much. (<a href="http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2014-10-30/tim-cook-speaks-up" target="_blank">his full transcript here</a>) and i remember thinking about what i was like and who i was when i first started this blog, and now who i am, and definitely being able to blog about being a closeted/semi-closeted guy really helped me as well as reading about other similar guys all over.<br />
<br />
anyway, now that i'm more comfortable with who i am and not ashamed to admit i like guys, i don't want to forget about where i was a zillion years ago when i was living my double life 'cuz i know there are plenty of guys still petrified where i was back then. and hopefully sharing my brick now will help you/them out, so i'll try to get back on this blog world.<br />
<br />
today was actually a pretty big day for the news cycle with the republican debate and the clock kid, but i wanted to share a story i saw today about a college athlete coming out. fortunately these are becoming more common but i can still see it being a big challenge for guys in that world. talk to yall soon.<br />
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/goog_1846215815"><br /></a>
<a href="http://www.outsports.com/2015/9/15/9321513/mason-darrow-gay-football-princeton">http://www.outsports.com/2015/9/15/9321513/mason-darrow-gay-football-princeton</a>madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-39521910966710530862014-12-05T02:28:00.001-05:002014-12-05T17:28:36.381-05:00hey guys<br />
i have a lot i could update you guys on but today i want to tell you guys a story about boy meets boy. it doesn't have a happy ending, but it has a silver lining in it so i want to share it anyway.<br />
<br />
as i mentioned a few posts ago, i've moved to a new city a few months ago. i have a few classmates from medical school here, but essentially i'm brand new to the city. it was a saturday night and i was just at home not really doing anything. in fact i had just binge watched a few episodes of 'house of cards'. i wasn't really in the mood to go out because i had been doing some day drinking with some neighbors and was pretty wiped from that. but, a part of my brain told me not to waste a perfectly good night at home watching tv, so even though it was late i decided to get dressed and head to a gay bar nearby. my plan was to get a drink to check things out then head back home.<br />
<br />
i get there and it was pretty average as far as bars go. a drag queen was hosting some random contests with bar patrons like beer chugging and blowing up condoms. this guy near me made a little joke about the silliness we were watching and we laughed as it went on. i took a second look at him and decided he was pretty good-looking. tall, maybe 6'2, dark features, nice sense of style, definitely cute. he resumed talking with his friend and eventually i went to get another drink at the bar. of course i had the typical internal debate as i waited at the bar. do i try to talk to this guy? was he just being friendly and i was reading too much into his little joke? what the heck do i say? i decided why not, nothing to lose and i went back to where we were standing so i could try to talk to this guy. my anxiety was high as i stood around awkwardly waiting to make a move. and then just as i was about to say something, of course he starts out first and introduces himself. whew, thank god. we start chatting and i tell him how i'm new in town and don't know anyone and we hit it off from there.<br />
<br />
we were actually having a good chat when his friends want to go to another bar so he invites me to go along with them. i thought he was just being friendly, me being a friendless gay loser in the city so i go with them. as you might imagine where this is going, after we had a few more drinks together and talk more at the next bar, he ended up kissing me, making it clear i am oblivious to whether someone is just being friendly to me or trying to get into my pants. at this point in the night though, i am very happy to be kissing a handsome, exciting new stranger. i ended up staying over at his place. in fact, i ended up staying at his place the whole weekend and we went out again together the next night. we had a lot of fun; it seemed like our company together just flowed and it was like we had known each other a lot longer than 24 hours.<br />
<br />
at this point i'm over the moon that for once in reality, it was possible to meet an attractive, nice, smart, successful guy at a gay bar -- like how people supposedly did it in the olden days before grindr, tinder, etc. it just seemed so serendipitous that i would meet this great guy on a night where i hadn't even planned to go out.<br />
<br />
we went on a few more dates through september and things were good. it was puppy love. but then, things popped up for both of us and suddenly it was a few weeks where we hadn't seen each other. he was busy with work, i was busy with work, and our schedules just didn't align. but then i felt like there was the hint that maybe it was more than just two busy professionals trying to date. his texts became more sporadic. any suggestion by me for us to set a real date was met with an enthusiastic "yeah!" without any real follow-up. well, i've played this game before. but i couldn't help myself. i really liked this guy. (and did i mention he looked great in his underwear?)<br />
<br />
i knew though i was setting myself up to get hurt if i kept crushing on this dream guy. after a solid 2 weeks with no word from him, i sent a followup text to say hey, we had a good time, but it seems like you're not interested -- basically a message to put the ball in his court once and for all and to give me some closure that i did all i could. of course, i get back a very sweet and charming message back from him saying the fault was his, i'm one of the best guys he's ever met but he's just so busy with work right now and maybe this isn't a good time for him to be dating and blah blah blah. my feeling upon receiving that reply was somewhere between elation, skepticism, and utter disappointment.<br />
<br />
i'm not sure i ever really buy anyone's excuse that they're "too busy" anymore. people are never too busy for something. it's a euphemism for "i don't want to make time for this". any former resident can tell you what it's like to have way more on your plate than you think you can handle, and to have a bunch of friends in the same situation. but somehow, we always made time to spend together and stay connected. people make time for what's important to them -- they always do. so i knew this guy's story didn't quite add up if in 6 weeks he couldn't find the time to see me once. but his words were really pretty and i'll keep believing he's just too busy with other things in life.<br />
<br />
we still send a message to each other every once in awhile but i know not to put much stock in it. yes, i still feel like a little schoolgirl when i see his name pop up, but i know to keep my expectations low. will i ever actually see him again? who knows.<br />
<br />
the point of telling this story though was to focus on that initial honeymoon period when we first met. that inexplicable, joyful feeling of making a real connection with another guy. the feeling that you just got incredibly lucky and life has opened up and given you everything you had ever hoped for. that's how i felt with this new guy. it was amazing while it lasted, and while i'm disappointed it didn't work out, i'm invigorated by the hope that it can happen again, and next time it will last.<br />
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-11162806215854094282014-10-29T21:04:00.000-04:002014-10-29T21:04:26.620-04:00hey guys,<br />
owe you guys a bigger update (it's a work in progress) but wanted to share this article i read. i can't imagine how hard it must be to come out as a young college kid, and an athlete no less. i really enjoyed it. maybe this is a sign it's easier for the younger generation to accept themselves?<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.outsports.com/2014/10/29/7091159/gay-baseball-ben-larison-mark-kroll-coe-college">http://www.outsports.com/2014/10/29/7091159/gay-baseball-ben-larison-mark-kroll-coe-college</a><br />
<br />
on a related note, go royals!madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-46563377601613641892014-08-05T23:08:00.001-04:002014-08-05T23:08:21.550-04:00where i've been...an update.<br />
<br />
1. i graduated residency and now a full-grown doc! crazy how fast the 3 years went. the last few months of residency just flew by and i wanted to pull the e-brake on life in june cuz things were moving just too fast. one of the weird things about doing all this extra school and training is every few years you have to pick up your life and move somewhere new and you realize what a life you've built up in just 3-4 years. definitely gonna miss my friends and the city that i did residency in. and it's crazy that i started this blog when i was still a medical student!<br />
<br />
2. i moved to a new city for my new job. it's a city i've always wanted to live in so i'm very excited to start a new life here. not sure if it's gonna be permanent guess we'll see how the test drive goes first. ummm one day i might tell yall where i am but for now i'll keep you guys guessing. i don't know, is it better to imagine an anonymous blogger could be your next door neighbor or is it nicer to have things more grounded in a reality?<br />
<br />
3. i told a bunch of people i'm a big homo the last few months. and every time you know what? it was NBD. one instance in particular: st. patrick's day i was out having a few jamesons with some co-residents. two husbands/significant others were there these were guys i had gotten to know well the last few years and were in our circle of guys that we do 'guy things' with. also the guys i most worried about how they'd react because they just seeemed like...guy's guys you know. but fueled by jameson, i made a comment that dropped the news that i like guys and their booze-addled brains took a few moments to process. then it really dawned on them what i had just said, which is always an equal parts entertaining and terrifying moment. but it turned out well. in the process, i found out one of the guys had his own big gay brother back home and his experience with that. something i never knew about his personal life and came as an unexpected surprise that it was closer to him than i thought when all along i was afraid of deep-rooted homophobia in him. in the end, no fucks were given. something that makes me happy and courage to get over myself and be who i am without fear.<br />
<br />
4. nothing too new on the guy frontier. i'd like to start seriously dating and see what's out there. after all the confusion and questions i had about who i was, who i wanted to have sex with and who i wanted to fall in love with the last few years, i think i'm figuring it out.<br />
<br />
it was my birthday a few weeks ago (i'm a gemini in case you want to know how compatible we are) and i was thinking back to last year on my birthday. M (the guy i was dating at the time) had thrown a party for me at his place, and then later we went to dinner just us two and fell asleep on the couch together after with the national playing. and thinking back on that it was just nice to have someone to spend the day with who cared about me. i miss that. at this point i'm seeing how you can have everything else going right in life as far as career and comfort etc, but it doesn't mean as much if there's no one there to enjoy it with. and as i get a little older i can see how that's true. i mean it's nice to get facebook birthday posts from that one chick you went to high school with, but at the end of the day you need to have someone in your corner and in your bed for you, and fuck all the superficial bullshit that makes up so much of the day. i'm done being superficial..i'm ready to meet the man who will want to have a deep, meaningful, lifelong relationship with me<br />
<br />
5. i'll try to get back on the blogging bandwagon. a lot of the blogs i used to follow have become inactive over the last few months so if there are any new writers out there point me in their direction. anyone know what happened to <a dir="ltr" href="http://secretsofanallamerican.blogspot.com/" style="background-color: white; color: #7759ae; font-family: 'open sans', arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.020000457763672px; text-decoration: none;">http://secretsofanallamerican.blogspot.com/</a>? his blog became private so i hope he's doing all right.<br />
<br />
ok that's it for now, til next time!.madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-10461719073631515912014-07-03T13:19:00.002-04:002014-07-03T13:19:39.966-04:00hey guys<br />
i'm still alive! sorry i've been on hiatus for so long. i'll try to get back with a real update soon. hope you have a happy and safe 4th of july holiday. have a good one!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3jUsSEdHcjDw5mLi1fLx7toP-O-Yror4CcdPmhybunNWNYcqHk3SJF_5NDC94jvNmapaS-Pk48-R-VyBb0wQl7tO_GSj4WEdCOcCbz1BxfDMu_f7y4QJzE0yieIrvw93BF5rWK5aieLoU/s1600/31891e2d5e5f63cf0ad0e7b2e78931bd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3jUsSEdHcjDw5mLi1fLx7toP-O-Yror4CcdPmhybunNWNYcqHk3SJF_5NDC94jvNmapaS-Pk48-R-VyBb0wQl7tO_GSj4WEdCOcCbz1BxfDMu_f7y4QJzE0yieIrvw93BF5rWK5aieLoU/s1600/31891e2d5e5f63cf0ad0e7b2e78931bd.jpg" /></a></div>
madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-77243287343573226812014-03-31T04:09:00.001-04:002014-03-31T14:13:14.750-04:00hey guys<br />
it's been a busy march. i've been on an outpatient month and i had some vacation time so just about every weekend i had some plans. this past weekend was the first time i had some time at home to just relax and have some homebody time. anyway it was an interesting month and i've had a lot of good shit to blog about but of course not the time. i'll try to get you guys into my mind over the next few weeks.<br />
<br />
i finally finished 'the velvet rage' book a few weeks ago. i know i keep talking about it, but i actually hadn't finished it til earlier this month. it closes with a few 'lessons' some of which i thought were pretty good.<br />
<br />
lesson #1 was "don't let your sexual tastes be the filter for allowing people into your life".<br />
and when i read that i thought, damn, isn't that so true of so many of us? i mean when you're on grindr or whatever, even if you say you're looking 'for friends', don't you basically judge whether you'll keep talking to someone on whether you think they're attractive? level of attractiveness is like the #1 filter gay men use when they're looking for friends. but in reality, how many of our normal friends are all 8s or higher on the looks scale? i can tell you my best (straight) friend is not the most handsome guy but he cracks me up and is incredibly smart and witty. so what if he may not turn heads at a bar or have a perfect men's health body? so why is that so many gay men use that as their major criterion for making new friends? i'll be honest, i've filtered guys based on whether i think they're cute, and have i missed out on making some awesome friends? probably. the interesting thing about having this blog is i've gotten to know a few different guys who i bet if we just happened to see each other on the street we wouldn't give a fuck, but because we actually get to know the real man behind the looks first, are actually pretty cool. i guess it comes with the fucked up territory of using these apps and shit that parcel us into little packages of sex appeal.<br />
<br />
which segues into lesson #8 "actively practice accepting your body as it is right now".<br />
i know i've been dreaming about having a perfect toned chest and 6-pack abs for as long as i've realized i like sucking dick. i hate my body. i don't fit into that perfect mold of ripped muscle boy that seems to be the gay nirvana of sex appeal. and as much as i keep telling myself i don't need to and probably will never achieve that fitness level, something keeps nagging me that i must work towards it. i've had plenty of guys tell me they love my body the way it is and i keep telling them they are crazy what is wrong with them. but then on the other hand i have been with the guys with the perfect bodies. and while it is a nice thrill to see them take their shirt off, at the end of the day it's still the chemistry between us that matters most, not whether i can see the lines in his abs (although those are nice to look at).<br />
<br />
i think the fear in the back of my mind is that i'm gonna miss out on my perfect guy because my body type isn't in that range of "AWESOME" and i don't have my chest and abs ready to flaunt. so i know it's important to accept myself as i am right now, but maybe still work towards that unachievable goal at the same time. it's just so hard when gay media is telling us we need to have perfect bodies. one guy i was with said he didn't have any self-esteem to talk to guys until he lost a lot of weight, which i thought was kind of sad, but admirable. sad that he felt that way, because it's true of how much more judgmental homos are on other guys, but admirable that he achieved his goal and finally gained some self-esteem to approach the guys he was interested in. it's a fucking crazy paradox.<br />
<br />
i guess my theme on writing about these things is to challenge you to be more open about the way you look at others. we close ourselves off to a lot of possibilities because of the impossible expectations we set for what we want. not that having standards isn't important, but i think the more we're able to look at each other without filters, the better.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1cHBKvxii0bA1V3izzGiZjw_ZOun3udSQuOwvaprgsq3q5MXbzUIyHk_hHBYFwle8PnXc2CQKQVkyYdfzwqly3RNumUdt79OijpUkf-0msiltyXMQ8KV8IfcptmpCUk8r8Xnkp7ubRSTc/s1600/tumblr_mlmeb7kyvr1ri15dbo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1cHBKvxii0bA1V3izzGiZjw_ZOun3udSQuOwvaprgsq3q5MXbzUIyHk_hHBYFwle8PnXc2CQKQVkyYdfzwqly3RNumUdt79OijpUkf-0msiltyXMQ8KV8IfcptmpCUk8r8Xnkp7ubRSTc/s1600/tumblr_mlmeb7kyvr1ri15dbo1_500.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
let's just agree colby keller is a stud.</div>
madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-18622041090787817622014-03-17T02:00:00.000-04:002014-03-17T02:00:58.458-04:00you might have already seen this video but check it out if you haven't i really like it. (even though i'm pretty over the 'same love' song haha) i feel like i'm somewhere in the first half of the vid but keeping hope i'll make it to the second half.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="281" mozallowfullscreen="" src="//player.vimeo.com/video/88060788" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="500"></iframe> <br />
<a href="http://vimeo.com/88060788">marry me</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user2907097">elvisdifazio</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://vimeo.com/88060788">http://vimeo.com/88060788</a><br />
<br />
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-4238612197076054992014-02-23T10:35:00.003-05:002014-02-23T10:42:05.663-05:00alcohol has always been my substance use of choice. granted i haven't really tried any of the harder stuff, but i never felt the need to. i've always been perfectly happy throwing a few drinks back and getting wasteyface. i would call my drinking habits through college and med school not much different than the typical binge-drinking young adult, but i did have a reputation at least for always being down for a drink.<br />
<br />
some people might have judged my previous drinking habits as harmful but i never thought i had a problem. then one night i was out with classmates per usual and in the conversation one guy brought up his gay uncle and his problems with alcohol. then there was the casual follow up comment that 'oh yea, it's very common for gay men to have alcohol or drug problems'. and i remember thinking at the time, 'hey that's kind of a sweeping generalization'. but then there i was, a closet case with a drink in my hand planning on getting much more trashed before the night was done. and then i wondered, 'is there any truth to what he's saying?'<br />
<br />
in the velvet rage, the author touches on gay men using substances and other activities to deal with the internalized shame of being gay, in what is otherwise known as a "process addiction". this includes things like alcohol, drugs, sex, and gambling, to name a few things, but any coping mechanism turned unhealthy could become one's "process". the process then becomes a way to manage unwanted emotion or regulate one's mood until one can't live without it or at least the pursuit of it.<br />
<br />
i didn't realize it, but my binge drinking was just a way to push the unwanted feelings of my attraction to men aside. at the same time though, it acted as a gateway to my sexuality. when i drank, i could be free of all the crazy fucked up thoughts and worries i had about being drawn to other men that i had when i was sober. and better yet, when i was sufficiently drunk, my inhibitions were lowered enough where i could feel free to pursue what i really wanted. when i was drunk, i felt free to hit up a fuck buddy for a blowjob or stumble into a gay bar and make eyes at another horny man to take me home to fuck. alcohol was my emotional viagra, and i used it to get up and release my sexual desire for men.<br />
<br />
of course, in my sober hours i still had my hookup addiction that i've written about before, but alcohol just made it that much easier. i could throw back drinks with my classmates and pretend that everything was fine, and then once the bars were closing and everyone had gone their own ways, i could go and feed my lust for men in my drunken stupor. what i thought was just normal 20-something year old binge drinking was really a sign of a deeper problem i had with accepting myself.<br />
<br />
as i've become more open with my sexuality and not being ashamed of who i am, i've noticed my desire to get flat out wasted has declined. that <i>urge</i> to go and get completely shitfaced just isn't there anymore. yes, i've gotten older, and here in residency my circle of friends have changed, but something else inside has shifted that i don't feel the need to get wasted to get what i want. i don't <i>need</i> alcohol to release that part of me i was scared of for so long. i'm not using it to hide who i am or to let down the walls i used to be afraid of.<br />
<br />
it's taken me a long time to get to this point and come to this realization. i wonder how many other gay or closeted men have had similar paths with "process addictions". i suspect a fair number. it's really sort of an insidious thing and you either don't realize it/are in denial or know what you're doing but can't help it. it sucks.<br />
<br />
don't get me wrong, i still very much enjoy throwing back a few drinks and getting a good buzz, but the level of self-destructive behavior i was shooting for before with my drinking is (i think) now gone. i feel liberated that i no longer feel trapped by the behaviors and processes i was using to hide from myself.madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-75507706526836565032014-02-09T05:59:00.001-05:002014-02-11T03:54:56.525-05:00thanks to yall who showed up to the group chat the other night. (even the ones who showed up for a second then left haha) it was a different experience and it was fun talking with some of you readers. i saw a brief appearance by 'closet med' (i think) before the official chat started so i wanted to say to him if he's reading he should go back and update us! also a shout out again to my international readers especially the ones in brasil. not planning another chat anytime soon but we shall see...<br />
<br />
anyway as you might remember, i was obsessed with the 2012 london olympics. i think i watched it every night. i've never been a big fan of the winter olympics (too many layers, not enough skin) but this year i'm into it. so i will be keeping an eye out for those hot olympic athletes to watch.<br />
<br />
so far i have a crush on john daly. he is just so damn cute. he and steve langton (his training partner, in the last pic and far left in the 2nd pic) make a cute couple.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-y0Lwr67L3vxaJ1ofYbNO8Jo6OGqkxCbYkD6yWX0VukExKqDNuFTzN7JnaIPsX_0EJrczFUjovbiGfcKh029vMOyRYAtu7T0WbmmgxniZxM9w7amAANruDVu5G-CYBbuzxeW4sXNJqZ-e/s1600/nup_156031_2414_0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-y0Lwr67L3vxaJ1ofYbNO8Jo6OGqkxCbYkD6yWX0VukExKqDNuFTzN7JnaIPsX_0EJrczFUjovbiGfcKh029vMOyRYAtu7T0WbmmgxniZxM9w7amAANruDVu5G-CYBbuzxeW4sXNJqZ-e/s1600/nup_156031_2414_0.jpg" height="400" width="382" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6KhVUx2fhm9a5Ym5nmxXy63yMG3bzgdsKNsIiIuH0OhQmw0rG3BfHeAdzn8QV8CphxvtanLJPJQLW7UQapayIZgwQKA8nY0LDOo9XQj2wqJ3ZXr3gpPwDY0eV4POXScLGf-A090yz0GnQ/s1600/BR5ouhoCAAAFvc6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6KhVUx2fhm9a5Ym5nmxXy63yMG3bzgdsKNsIiIuH0OhQmw0rG3BfHeAdzn8QV8CphxvtanLJPJQLW7UQapayIZgwQKA8nY0LDOo9XQj2wqJ3ZXr3gpPwDY0eV4POXScLGf-A090yz0GnQ/s1600/BR5ouhoCAAAFvc6.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-EqZwqNoGHRfzhLAUwJtla8OKGCtzGme5fOcGH7LfeleRixKPZUYLNT18IK9rHaHk_Y17vTk5qIoA8Bog5Tc-gO_mYqoW1myg5AqAr9h4BlWMTcEtWNw8q7Xk6e886UYXBSazTnFwPO6Y/s1600/johndaly4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-EqZwqNoGHRfzhLAUwJtla8OKGCtzGme5fOcGH7LfeleRixKPZUYLNT18IK9rHaHk_Y17vTk5qIoA8Bog5Tc-gO_mYqoW1myg5AqAr9h4BlWMTcEtWNw8q7Xk6e886UYXBSazTnFwPO6Y/s1600/johndaly4.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoa13smoqhjNnCp0IPNkP4YeeinUyD0t1Lz0kRHGoFR9bL2fkU3b3Vxe6FZL3hz2H-s6TprHC7tZOvD-Vcdp44qMHA0M-MLdK9t5usrcWmFNW3QnLstAeCaZCp_FYQ1eLSeqpvrAqJ4Y-Z/s1600/BWJQ5sGCAAAbE5Q.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoa13smoqhjNnCp0IPNkP4YeeinUyD0t1Lz0kRHGoFR9bL2fkU3b3Vxe6FZL3hz2H-s6TprHC7tZOvD-Vcdp44qMHA0M-MLdK9t5usrcWmFNW3QnLstAeCaZCp_FYQ1eLSeqpvrAqJ4Y-Z/s1600/BWJQ5sGCAAAbE5Q.png" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrQql5xBrF5VWk5BYh1bi6-6kE7p9iOLoh5MeMWpAjPYRWZHYz059qex-LUchIJiDojDOr7jPh74O7IQh1kGYBCgwvxzkW_9ScFTY3df50tXnKdDTvMkiEMqYdZG_GinpST6R4-XFS2xXt/s1600/Steve+Langton+John+Daly+World+Championships300x250.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrQql5xBrF5VWk5BYh1bi6-6kE7p9iOLoh5MeMWpAjPYRWZHYz059qex-LUchIJiDojDOr7jPh74O7IQh1kGYBCgwvxzkW_9ScFTY3df50tXnKdDTvMkiEMqYdZG_GinpST6R4-XFS2xXt/s1600/Steve+Langton+John+Daly+World+Championships300x250.jpg" height="333" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
also had to do a double take at how good shaun white is looking now. i always remember him as this goofy kid with crazy hair, but the way he's doing his hair these days he's looking damn sharp.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.shaunwhite.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Shaun-White-Jan-2013-480x368.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.shaunwhite.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Shaun-White-Jan-2013-480x368.jpg" height="245" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/378800000694532408/c0be438333cd25e20ab853ebf6d54583.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/378800000694532408/c0be438333cd25e20ab853ebf6d54583.jpeg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://static01.nyt.com/images/2014/01/12/magazine/12white6/12white6-articleLarge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static01.nyt.com/images/2014/01/12/magazine/12white6/12white6-articleLarge.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
if you've had your eye on any sochi athletes let me know who to look out for.madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-4790128843733718482014-02-06T19:42:00.004-05:002014-02-06T19:43:19.992-05:00hey guys<br />
live chat today will be at 9.30 eastern time. i set up the chat room and i will just have it hanging around til go time. check back if the link doesn't seem to be working or if we get kicked off in the middle of the chat. looking forward to talking with some of you guys.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://tinychat.com/a5nflq">http://tinychat.com/a5nflq</a>madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-45160281818889773032014-02-01T11:51:00.004-05:002014-02-01T11:51:48.014-05:00hey guys<br />
i thought i'd try something new and i'm gonna host a live chat next week. i'll have some questions that i've thought of reading the velvet rage book to get the chat going and we'll just see how it goes from there.<br />
<br />
chat time will be <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THURSDAY FEBRUARY 6TH 9.30PM EASTERN TIME</span></b>. i figured that would be the best time to not be too late for east coast and too early for west coast.<br />
<br />
i'm looking for options on how to set up a free chatroom that will be easy for users to jump in. i've found a few sites that let you set up a chat room pretty easily but i dunno if i can keep the room going that long in advance. so i will plan to post the final link to the chat room on thursday at least about an hour or so before go time if not earlier. expect technical problems though haha. hope to see a few of yall there!madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-60294799862329147972014-01-23T01:18:00.001-05:002014-01-23T01:24:25.449-05:00i'm addicted to reading internet comments following news articles. most of them are stupid, nasty, or irrelevant, but i like the opportunity to peer into the minds of people reading the same stuff as me. several months ago i read one user comment that recommended that every gay man read <u>The Velvet Rage</u>. there was no explanation why, but i figured hey, i'm gay too, and i put it on my note list.<br />
<br />
flash forward to january 2014. i'm trying to clean up my list of things to do and here is this random book, the full title of which is <u>The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World</u>. i look it up on amazon and check out the intro which is available to preview. ok, sounds like typical melodramatic gay sexuality stuff until the author writes:<br />
<br />
"Very few of us feel the shame, but almost all of us struggle with the private belief that 'if you really knew the whole, unvarnished truth about me, you would know that I am unlovable.'"<br />
<br />
yikes. bingo, that's me. time to order this book.<br />
<br />
the book arrives last night. i read the first 30 pages and nothing too strongly connects. yes some of it perhaps fits for me the way a pisces' horoscope fits me on any given day. (i'm a gemini) the author starts by writing in broad generalizations about the experience of "growing up gay", which honestly some of the strokes i felt were borderline offensive and i'm less convinced this is going to be a worthwhile read.<br />
<br />
tonight though i got to the meat of the book. (fortunately it's an easy read) here i realized the author in his experience treating gay men in various stages of life and coming out is on to something. i haven't finished the book, but many of the stories and points the author makes reflects a lot of what i have read from other bloggers and experienced with the different men in my life.<br />
<br />
bottom line is, i think that whatever you identify yourself as, if you are a man and have ever found yourself romantically or sexually interested in another man, you should read this book. something will hit home for you. i haven't read the entire thing to determine whether this will be radically life-changing, but hey why not.<br />
<br />
i've included pictures of the first few pages of the chapter that really started to make sense to me. i didn't post the entire chapter but this will give you a taste for what this book is about. apologies if this is some sort of copyright infringement, but i wanted to get this out there for some men who might be too afraid to seek this out on their own. tell me what you think.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimcrqz-8Whl7owPaw1KDoCzOmAKbc5BeJlgKDIqJExK0a2neN5Z8Ptis7zdIc4WRE8yv5Wr8n2z1OhrzgCuk3v_2kxWAEZXmwYi4dV-KkU8ReIkl5PcTagFrdpMt7ibe7VvcCGouraBvre/s1600/IMG_20140122_223339.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimcrqz-8Whl7owPaw1KDoCzOmAKbc5BeJlgKDIqJExK0a2neN5Z8Ptis7zdIc4WRE8yv5Wr8n2z1OhrzgCuk3v_2kxWAEZXmwYi4dV-KkU8ReIkl5PcTagFrdpMt7ibe7VvcCGouraBvre/s1600/IMG_20140122_223339.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijSL9_OwXvf07SWZwST78B96kYK_gH-ojcsnHJtXCH38w4abce9G2b31ntVVz8jcDfoEESd2l16JUEyAwuZqPgUytGk2BMTvQyBO3n278uqCaZP7MZ7NDdSk4nqh4efVLUV1bIIYOUtfH7/s1600/IMG_20140122_223437.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijSL9_OwXvf07SWZwST78B96kYK_gH-ojcsnHJtXCH38w4abce9G2b31ntVVz8jcDfoEESd2l16JUEyAwuZqPgUytGk2BMTvQyBO3n278uqCaZP7MZ7NDdSk4nqh4efVLUV1bIIYOUtfH7/s1600/IMG_20140122_223437.jpg" height="320" width="207" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb0UxJTGT62WQoNDRQtX91WZJ29VDxOrgzlV3DI2bwVDgHiWKx1X6DXUsY1c2giwk3tQX3_IhKYb07G-LT_zpb27WgcW3Ju_-ZDHNBSmVQQqzv1hVMGvBHlbkCtVdQ4UDkpbL4nB1YqvOk/s1600/IMG_20140122_223457.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb0UxJTGT62WQoNDRQtX91WZJ29VDxOrgzlV3DI2bwVDgHiWKx1X6DXUsY1c2giwk3tQX3_IhKYb07G-LT_zpb27WgcW3Ju_-ZDHNBSmVQQqzv1hVMGvBHlbkCtVdQ4UDkpbL4nB1YqvOk/s1600/IMG_20140122_223457.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvEeTnA3T-t8-b9MbkRjyLYeAio6MStY_7R6MM8hyphenhyphenqzsPFRc6Fk-AosFqherVAqLSFpV9G3BMOGuZiHCEIw9dBpHyRE4E6_ifxy8N4h8HtWIkoxnajH_Zy7wQYIXVf9lqYSWc07ZRcFaqK/s1600/IMG_20140122_223522.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvEeTnA3T-t8-b9MbkRjyLYeAio6MStY_7R6MM8hyphenhyphenqzsPFRc6Fk-AosFqherVAqLSFpV9G3BMOGuZiHCEIw9dBpHyRE4E6_ifxy8N4h8HtWIkoxnajH_Zy7wQYIXVf9lqYSWc07ZRcFaqK/s1600/IMG_20140122_223522.jpg" height="320" width="210" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl_G2RbIxxWCOpUKQSiWhfAfwcG1fOug1VrXhpd9FlxDmqvP2Q5HAeq8NeY8xAf93X99id2XE5m93EZSj3Z1ktdA-0TIiQ3K5wm_zw9qkoOqMqQ9Vz3PUWSWwW6gqewULiMytXvuP1ipVK/s1600/IMG_20140122_223531.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl_G2RbIxxWCOpUKQSiWhfAfwcG1fOug1VrXhpd9FlxDmqvP2Q5HAeq8NeY8xAf93X99id2XE5m93EZSj3Z1ktdA-0TIiQ3K5wm_zw9qkoOqMqQ9Vz3PUWSWwW6gqewULiMytXvuP1ipVK/s1600/IMG_20140122_223531.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-QPNPGVLG2zKajzIwZ4hWp48hk6mjGXSzlq0o9wA8PDOt7EPl-laztSXuXFWfUpdLQFLSYSOolUrBdNI4Il8Zjptp5XyMWjCrwpf362Bs9VRhG9fr_aXm9GgsHJq7mADNvZK1IHXnR6mj/s1600/IMG_20140122_223558.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-QPNPGVLG2zKajzIwZ4hWp48hk6mjGXSzlq0o9wA8PDOt7EPl-laztSXuXFWfUpdLQFLSYSOolUrBdNI4Il8Zjptp5XyMWjCrwpf362Bs9VRhG9fr_aXm9GgsHJq7mADNvZK1IHXnR6mj/s1600/IMG_20140122_223558.jpg" height="320" width="218" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEwy4qVBXN4yn2vFAooWF8oZQdZPzjqvijuImPruevrnafxFRDnOrPEz5ltr8Ele3UksZzfQDBj4gkC0m5hkfrfC-miiQDK0S8NHfWYOQlTWe8fpa9UVSWN9ukdFaPuCN9FeQF5TfUi8yM/s1600/IMG_20140122_223606.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEwy4qVBXN4yn2vFAooWF8oZQdZPzjqvijuImPruevrnafxFRDnOrPEz5ltr8Ele3UksZzfQDBj4gkC0m5hkfrfC-miiQDK0S8NHfWYOQlTWe8fpa9UVSWN9ukdFaPuCN9FeQF5TfUi8yM/s1600/IMG_20140122_223606.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsGhx9Nt5eUa-TmYe75u3zMOFj5clj5uLJqsmbbOxRaRjTN2koTto6LsHyI6VUQlb37f0epqoGEbIcQF9R5Pt77TVmiyegIWcg5aGsWZ-payptqekJpLQY_98x6dUJk6U9Ck-h5wMRPrXn/s1600/IMG_20140122_223626.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsGhx9Nt5eUa-TmYe75u3zMOFj5clj5uLJqsmbbOxRaRjTN2koTto6LsHyI6VUQlb37f0epqoGEbIcQF9R5Pt77TVmiyegIWcg5aGsWZ-payptqekJpLQY_98x6dUJk6U9Ck-h5wMRPrXn/s1600/IMG_20140122_223626.jpg" height="320" width="221" /></a></div>
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-49423019136710048492014-01-14T06:18:00.000-05:002014-01-14T06:48:00.185-05:00i am a serial grindr checker. not that i have much going on on that app or any similar app, but i love the thrill of checking out who's on when i'm in different areas and even if i'm at home hoping that some fresh meat will stumble into my range and start something up. most of the time though i'm just admiring the slew of hard pecs and 6-pack abs that are on there. occasionally there will be a guy that really catches my attention though and even better he'll have a link to his social media.<br />
<br />
i was being my usual creeper self and stalking one such hot guy who linked up to his instagram which in turn was linked up to his facebook. now i don't know if i'm the only person to whom this has happened, but following this guy turned into a rabbit hole of checking out countless more hot, hard-bodied gay men whose cocks i would have in my mouth in an instant if i could.<br />
<br />
this brought up a few points to me: 1. why is it that hot guys are always friends with other hot guys but 2. after looking through this initial guy's pictures, i deduced that he was in a relationship with a guy not unlike myself. they had several cute pictures together doing various couple-type things and on quite a few vacations. and this guy, whom i was clearly diligently digitally stalking at this point, was definitely my type in every way.<br />
<br />
which led me to wonder, why the heck was i not the boyfriend he was posing with in selfies? knowing nothing about this guy other than i would love to jump in bed with him, i still felt a strange mix of envy and anxiety and sadness. here was this hot guy with his hot boyfriend living what looks to be a fabulous life. and both of whom could be my peers as far as age, and here i am at home being a slob in front of the tv watching amy poehler and tina fey on the golden globes drooling over these guys i'll never meet. good lord what a sad existence!<br />
<br />
maybe these are emotions single people usually feel when they have time to think and fester and be lonely, but honestly i'm usually so busy i'm not thinking about that. but at the end of the day, i am pretty domestic and despite my previous high-slutting ways, i'd love nothing more than to settle down with one man and make him happy.<br />
<br />
the interesting thing about having this blog is getting to realize there are a whole bunch of normal guys out there who happen to like guys too. but lacking venues to really meet similar men in real life, we resort to these online sites and apps where each guy is a disposable trading card to the next. real chemistry though, much harder to find.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitua1PDBAdmSCiPEHg3Qxe6vDZDAySR-2ucK1uNlXuGoHyD5eh1MfZFY4SrZryqRUaBicNNlYsakXGCXIhbKw_R-4sQ0zM3ih4ViD6x0Bx8oZFo0J7VlMVr_Yp7Ht02jRb26Y3uGOqRsDg/s1600/tumblr_m7y59by8Pc1qk9t29o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitua1PDBAdmSCiPEHg3Qxe6vDZDAySR-2ucK1uNlXuGoHyD5eh1MfZFY4SrZryqRUaBicNNlYsakXGCXIhbKw_R-4sQ0zM3ih4ViD6x0Bx8oZFo0J7VlMVr_Yp7Ht02jRb26Y3uGOqRsDg/s1600/tumblr_m7y59by8Pc1qk9t29o1_500.jpg" width="298" /></a></div>
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-61647887083438323562013-12-20T02:20:00.001-05:002013-12-20T02:37:50.149-05:00when i saw that the "duck dynasty" guy had been fired from his show, i cringed. i knew it would set off an unnecessary firestorm about gays and give anti-homos more fuel to rally behind. A&E can do whatever the hell they want with their stars, but i don't think it is doing the "gay agenda" any favors to have him suspended. far better would it have been for them to make a statement saying they don't support his views and then maybe have an episode next season or something where this family meets some 'normal' homos and have a dialogue about that. now it's just gonna be a cluster on the media cycle for the next few days and neither side will have changed their views on anything.<br />
<br />
i often wonder what patients would think if they knew about my private life. we as doctors get to know so much about a patient's personal life, yet it's a real one-way street. would it really matter to you what you knew about your doctor's personal life? it shouldn't, but i've always been interested to know if any of my patients would treat or interact with me any differently if they knew that what i was looking forward to after work is sucking a big fat dick. the patient/doctor relationship is really complex and so many subtle things can change the interaction dramatically, so would my sexuality be one of those things? i usually get along pretty well with my patients, so i wonder what a little randomized trial of patients knowing my preference vs. not knowing would have on their overall opinion after their evaluation. and if they were really critically ill and there were no one else around, would they consent to be treated by me? i bet there are some people out there who would rather die than be treated by a homo. but what about the opposite, what if a gay-hater had their life saved and then at the end found out it was because a gay doc had helped them? would their whole world be turned upside down? who knows.<br />
<br />
it is interesting that while i could face discrimination from my patients, i could never do the same in reverse. can you imagine the shitstorm that would happen if some doctor refused to treat a woman, a christian, an anti-semitic, a racist, a prostitute, a drunk, a homeless, a lesbian, a morbidly obese, or whatever? we no matter what are supposed to be a neutral party and every patient that walks in we treat the same regardless of what their personal life or views are like. and really shouldn't that be the way it is for everyone?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMgmGY6x3ZWdz9DytyD8strGoNWvRDZUPK77IBLGnZ7_22l3DOurOLmTaVoc45p0a5XXkLqg_WNSEOPhCeUDZhXpecjYX2WIQuk6WK7Sh4Ax2f8MNMrNyEAXSNk7zJdctiRlZAC0FkteTZ/s1600/tumblr_mrycsnKCmy1qk9t29o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMgmGY6x3ZWdz9DytyD8strGoNWvRDZUPK77IBLGnZ7_22l3DOurOLmTaVoc45p0a5XXkLqg_WNSEOPhCeUDZhXpecjYX2WIQuk6WK7Sh4Ax2f8MNMrNyEAXSNk7zJdctiRlZAC0FkteTZ/s1600/tumblr_mrycsnKCmy1qk9t29o1_500.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-51098406495821476092013-12-16T04:50:00.003-05:002013-12-16T05:55:34.290-05:00happy holidays! hope yall are staying warm out there. i decided last week i should probably try to get in shape. i had been working on my beach muscles earlier in the year then got derailed with working nights and the breakup etc, and basically haven't been doing anything for a few months. but i've been getting these really weird twinges of chest pain and whenever an attending makes us take the stairs i'm like winded after two flights. also kind of worrisome is that after a night of moderate to heavy drinking i have these really bad palpitations in the early morning. clearly i've been neglecting my cardiovascular health. i've always been decently athletic but i realized now i'm at that age where i really can't just wake up out of bed and expect to be ready to run a 10k. (i'm in my late 20s)<br />
<br />
anyway i'm gonna try to get a jump start on new years and get back on the gym thing. not so much the muscles thing, but focus more on my cardiac health cuz that's what gets everyone later on. i ran on a treadmill for the first time in god knows how long last thursday and ran 2 miles in like 24 minutes and wanted to die the whole time. i asked my co-resident who is a fitness freak if it's supposed to get easier and she's like, "no but you get high". haha so there's her motivation. i'm always telling patients to eat healthier and exercise a few times a week so i guess it's time i practice what i preach. running is seriously miserable though. i ran again today and at least it was a little easier. everyone's always wishing for things they don't have but not willing to put in the hard work for it, (me included) but i'm gonna start trying to put in the work for a healthier body and healthier heart.<br />
<br />
alright thought i'd close with some winter-themed pics. most i got from <a href="http://guysinlongjohns.tumblr.com/">http://guysinlongjohns.tumblr.com/</a> hope you have someone to enjoy this cuddle weather with!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvpSgqHgNpF9uThHhwHrR1sJuHckQsxE37GBw-PJG91XcdVcvkim9hoXFyo6YAJccup29mbg2-agnLPqR0kthZIA0VSP_VYCCEjJunl63IygculAHevC1_oRDkEeO6_oGp9icP3odWrZhw/s1600/tumblr_mf5avf16041s0ezbwo1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvpSgqHgNpF9uThHhwHrR1sJuHckQsxE37GBw-PJG91XcdVcvkim9hoXFyo6YAJccup29mbg2-agnLPqR0kthZIA0VSP_VYCCEjJunl63IygculAHevC1_oRDkEeO6_oGp9icP3odWrZhw/s1600/tumblr_mf5avf16041s0ezbwo1_1280.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEzeoPpikwJc-8PEgs01ZfI5_40sWjM9RUqoXdfNjROzmQ84P9KnwP_mXmyPnqudNMruDgzy8VbmWSgFMy0oMC3pKtUho00tCeCa_6FHeNm3RYcGK2rSW0nL93PK6tZV1b1A0o4iR2cQgr/s1600/tumblr_mhro3lV54I1qd1vj6o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEzeoPpikwJc-8PEgs01ZfI5_40sWjM9RUqoXdfNjROzmQ84P9KnwP_mXmyPnqudNMruDgzy8VbmWSgFMy0oMC3pKtUho00tCeCa_6FHeNm3RYcGK2rSW0nL93PK6tZV1b1A0o4iR2cQgr/s1600/tumblr_mhro3lV54I1qd1vj6o1_500.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlO7-ebG6vvHAv_K44ys07JRIJ7ac-e9P1dQChUCF3WRJiJfcAAVOzGeCwU2IpAjhKMxH1N-f1ZYn540IeKixzfwBl_Jof2WyI-CAg_zLXB5e5eFUvZ9yO7hrKeT56iZMmydeMn53aV5j_/s1600/tumblr_mkuhjlvm6V1qhlk2mo1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlO7-ebG6vvHAv_K44ys07JRIJ7ac-e9P1dQChUCF3WRJiJfcAAVOzGeCwU2IpAjhKMxH1N-f1ZYn540IeKixzfwBl_Jof2WyI-CAg_zLXB5e5eFUvZ9yO7hrKeT56iZMmydeMn53aV5j_/s1600/tumblr_mkuhjlvm6V1qhlk2mo1_1280.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaHwnfZ9Vl60u4771m-R4g9fp5yErud2aU0SuIc1WOD3YNtLBQS2qNzHfMCCgObui-6ZXPU6HUlAXUqBnkWSE_uRw0ai0EVWc1GIpOZCTfydLX345JpiMkf6yzhstfsdfZ3UbJcJ5qExqb/s1600/tumblr_ml2712uq5n1ru8a8uo1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaHwnfZ9Vl60u4771m-R4g9fp5yErud2aU0SuIc1WOD3YNtLBQS2qNzHfMCCgObui-6ZXPU6HUlAXUqBnkWSE_uRw0ai0EVWc1GIpOZCTfydLX345JpiMkf6yzhstfsdfZ3UbJcJ5qExqb/s1600/tumblr_ml2712uq5n1ru8a8uo1_1280.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_gIBkA5GK-soAlaay0ntOC5iv69JIAaX6YE9l5J1sPDIwgSIFgHElLF6A-XpmGbsGdyC6yjyztjIZsY8QD1X4uvlMFwjTO_uNzNhp1NNWWz8OSshDwi4Vkuyv0NHKdRL8LcrqlR4Ki5Pq/s1600/tumblr_mlm132240l1s9t5wxo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="412" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_gIBkA5GK-soAlaay0ntOC5iv69JIAaX6YE9l5J1sPDIwgSIFgHElLF6A-XpmGbsGdyC6yjyztjIZsY8QD1X4uvlMFwjTO_uNzNhp1NNWWz8OSshDwi4Vkuyv0NHKdRL8LcrqlR4Ki5Pq/s1600/tumblr_mlm132240l1s9t5wxo1_500.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQpefZ4lY8azj4gjkEkhnxl3jKOhdGtE-QNhX7LqMx64r8vsVt1gfSU6taFL10USD-wWHclT_Sr_TRlM9edWgZsHC9d-7VGD91-Pw60eEvxVoiLvSiyj_OjrL6tKII5RBQvUC0b-aLIODb/s1600/tumblr_mmrbuh5k2n1rpdgkto1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQpefZ4lY8azj4gjkEkhnxl3jKOhdGtE-QNhX7LqMx64r8vsVt1gfSU6taFL10USD-wWHclT_Sr_TRlM9edWgZsHC9d-7VGD91-Pw60eEvxVoiLvSiyj_OjrL6tKII5RBQvUC0b-aLIODb/s1600/tumblr_mmrbuh5k2n1rpdgkto1_500.jpg" width="410" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEYa27DWURBe_egj2M2cWndceYxux7OjbaFpEYDqKcr6NtBWA_ExBMhqXxI9CDS_Td2VTG42z19segCelooGufV4g4D1r2LlwX5PjfzhoNzYuHfqVF2_JSfoDQAJGNdiMOu2_ptw0Ee-OS/s1600/tumblr_mnlfxzTTCi1r2z8rro1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEYa27DWURBe_egj2M2cWndceYxux7OjbaFpEYDqKcr6NtBWA_ExBMhqXxI9CDS_Td2VTG42z19segCelooGufV4g4D1r2LlwX5PjfzhoNzYuHfqVF2_JSfoDQAJGNdiMOu2_ptw0Ee-OS/s1600/tumblr_mnlfxzTTCi1r2z8rro1_1280.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqr3d_DAKR60pU6ZZrd31NkSUNbu7Ib0ru8avgENMRjKgoAMWAV3qdAHUoUqWYVSTFkfbIBBmURxiFYtcQNszBxqfWW9WUJOEYp6jUHd_a-FmEC0Qu_IwlXGk9Nl0M4erCVsLpBuMVIo-9/s1600/tumblr_mnvbyqULqu1r7bir1o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqr3d_DAKR60pU6ZZrd31NkSUNbu7Ib0ru8avgENMRjKgoAMWAV3qdAHUoUqWYVSTFkfbIBBmURxiFYtcQNszBxqfWW9WUJOEYp6jUHd_a-FmEC0Qu_IwlXGk9Nl0M4erCVsLpBuMVIo-9/s1600/tumblr_mnvbyqULqu1r7bir1o1_500.jpg" width="424" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy6w2rqEIikgNCUtPchH6zU-QiVeVw3-jqir3CMxgsGwmdrH7S0qd7Q7PcC9uZWXoo4F_LwJdm6wLgKe1vGh0GUqVMBo0_YdXLVoXziuJse25jcR06mAGljxdV4lYgIZMnPoXC8Pb9od_L/s1600/tumblr_mqep1lAYi21rlnrano1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy6w2rqEIikgNCUtPchH6zU-QiVeVw3-jqir3CMxgsGwmdrH7S0qd7Q7PcC9uZWXoo4F_LwJdm6wLgKe1vGh0GUqVMBo0_YdXLVoXziuJse25jcR06mAGljxdV4lYgIZMnPoXC8Pb9od_L/s1600/tumblr_mqep1lAYi21rlnrano1_500.jpg" width="424" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvYFqGr9l8EizfRY1fAb93uKrE9UjkVLrlSk6vRIkmXNJi8H43B0TyEUgdnwrbLF-OCDXHQCPGB_6ee6aQZo5heQ3zxiqg7S9FL4NH4N-HM602eMSspMGRgtd-ppH_ny2zCdxX1pOOmy3I/s1600/tumblr_mr49o5aWnD1rtzucio1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvYFqGr9l8EizfRY1fAb93uKrE9UjkVLrlSk6vRIkmXNJi8H43B0TyEUgdnwrbLF-OCDXHQCPGB_6ee6aQZo5heQ3zxiqg7S9FL4NH4N-HM602eMSspMGRgtd-ppH_ny2zCdxX1pOOmy3I/s1600/tumblr_mr49o5aWnD1rtzucio1_500.jpg" width="478" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyhyhGUqekNJ3Yk2XMYrTU5ZHFXHJaVudvukN4LwDX93q4W7B4bo8VH6Py81jN0qdBUBKxPBcwATqt7-cMbNn2LbI-XOpDv_6h286FX8Z-tlgvvTr8CcdF3nqmMJoSHbx8CytnNsQzzira/s1600/tumblr_mtq4b3HSxJ1sxasw8o1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="454" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyhyhGUqekNJ3Yk2XMYrTU5ZHFXHJaVudvukN4LwDX93q4W7B4bo8VH6Py81jN0qdBUBKxPBcwATqt7-cMbNn2LbI-XOpDv_6h286FX8Z-tlgvvTr8CcdF3nqmMJoSHbx8CytnNsQzzira/s1600/tumblr_mtq4b3HSxJ1sxasw8o1_1280.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjccIxrmTQz6wDpTfjqsd6TbtUEfrEpMjNYKyHlTIHV7ViJRTyXdvA0MGhqeACjj1hyphenhyphenuJEDhTTCuep-3n5AZkIUyprVXRK0gcokDQNhxD0ANXkgzQXsGbnXDx-CzWJfrkibUkJ6MUmZEeE/s1600/19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjccIxrmTQz6wDpTfjqsd6TbtUEfrEpMjNYKyHlTIHV7ViJRTyXdvA0MGhqeACjj1hyphenhyphenuJEDhTTCuep-3n5AZkIUyprVXRK0gcokDQNhxD0ANXkgzQXsGbnXDx-CzWJfrkibUkJ6MUmZEeE/s1600/19.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG4gFKv_R8YD2YuZK7IY4u2A3JyRBEHdAKEjw5GWXKcN4q2i90aVfxgYOE3mSj4DvEKFzbvroyYiSmVh7nVOsLj4CsVhAFOCG7CtEE_CvaAdUKE3m6NgL98B8vTqwGMx1CjXxtXJgEmEBn/s1600/30.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG4gFKv_R8YD2YuZK7IY4u2A3JyRBEHdAKEjw5GWXKcN4q2i90aVfxgYOE3mSj4DvEKFzbvroyYiSmVh7nVOsLj4CsVhAFOCG7CtEE_CvaAdUKE3m6NgL98B8vTqwGMx1CjXxtXJgEmEBn/s1600/30.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS1ngVHdb7QbtJgBD1HH1aNnnKKs9dGN-2_LX9YVk5vdcoXo9pHHLzctIMiQ9_bEpAT_ZD-TpVCYUqCsfh9pnT3cNvyhdYkKggT9cw7TK-5353c8XOxuG3XqDKv0DnNhJU9cg_bBwV3fW2/s1600/03+(3).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS1ngVHdb7QbtJgBD1HH1aNnnKKs9dGN-2_LX9YVk5vdcoXo9pHHLzctIMiQ9_bEpAT_ZD-TpVCYUqCsfh9pnT3cNvyhdYkKggT9cw7TK-5353c8XOxuG3XqDKv0DnNhJU9cg_bBwV3fW2/s1600/03+(3).jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-55160747842593937842013-12-02T19:23:00.000-05:002013-12-02T19:23:31.810-05:00my first thought when i found out bob harper, some trainer on the biggest loser, was gay, my first thought was not "oh, he's gay" but rather "damn, he looks good for 48!"<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU3lMYdVA3o6mdFEgeu6fPFW0bKfI4gQnnOrPY5Zdd_QChCaSeHryr0MzREdF2EMiOlGgh0Qc7FQ3xDtewDxYW03fbCCaaqWW2-LuSNuF9H25dN6OgzO7c_jQMzmOmobDjM4VEiBUB2ZXD/s1600/20100823_QUAKER_BOB_HARPER_LIGHT_BLUE_585.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU3lMYdVA3o6mdFEgeu6fPFW0bKfI4gQnnOrPY5Zdd_QChCaSeHryr0MzREdF2EMiOlGgh0Qc7FQ3xDtewDxYW03fbCCaaqWW2-LuSNuF9H25dN6OgzO7c_jQMzmOmobDjM4VEiBUB2ZXD/s1600/20100823_QUAKER_BOB_HARPER_LIGHT_BLUE_585.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2G5n2B_ZZNbO37OIuMFsGR7gGwAQfqmjN9tW9DrsviES8AHcBo-uHrZdTigu7ZXUkNYsvMXUnGVTf4BDBVh_FtESff_DsDaaOpQ7o6Q75lM0Pieurw1sfoCPH5xBzPdmqdVTPs5Eztn9J/s1600/bob-harper-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2G5n2B_ZZNbO37OIuMFsGR7gGwAQfqmjN9tW9DrsviES8AHcBo-uHrZdTigu7ZXUkNYsvMXUnGVTf4BDBVh_FtESff_DsDaaOpQ7o6Q75lM0Pieurw1sfoCPH5xBzPdmqdVTPs5Eztn9J/s1600/bob-harper-3.jpg" height="400" width="291" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7oBSlBezRIdlJjZBj7aaIXLRlpqJnGtB7m9QRHPAjq0NwxDy1fFKzj-BIBgc4kaEyk8dmAPY2QORyuabAciWAdy9eMlS6AvUCCPcDRKk7nPqMHSUbk1dpRtsfpgvekVihNnQ1KyepVHH-/s1600/bob-harper-comes-out.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7oBSlBezRIdlJjZBj7aaIXLRlpqJnGtB7m9QRHPAjq0NwxDy1fFKzj-BIBgc4kaEyk8dmAPY2QORyuabAciWAdy9eMlS6AvUCCPcDRKk7nPqMHSUbk1dpRtsfpgvekVihNnQ1KyepVHH-/s1600/bob-harper-comes-out.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
bonus: as i was looking for pictures of bob, i came across chris powell, another stud who does one of these weight loss shows. unfortunately, this one is straight.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVKg5mtJAruz4RGG1nTg4-OarRU5avswo8xxYdC26zqLxredS8HJwxMcoHUt5gXKeVMqZwgG71vYoRCHF0t0c0ZcXmFjUjNEL2YkOuaajZVUEE4_-4xOUP_DgHr8cm9ouketbQTzAy_THz/s1600/chris-powell-abc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVKg5mtJAruz4RGG1nTg4-OarRU5avswo8xxYdC26zqLxredS8HJwxMcoHUt5gXKeVMqZwgG71vYoRCHF0t0c0ZcXmFjUjNEL2YkOuaajZVUEE4_-4xOUP_DgHr8cm9ouketbQTzAy_THz/s1600/chris-powell-abc.jpg" height="280" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfjtB7wNghOOrPwX3uiIii-5On_hOzMwFrfKrsqbV-qX4nkeFZaa-mvj1GJ_c3wmlcAh9cAssAovYaHBwCXHIUN9BPBOm6XAtEolV6snIIDIskpepbbqz2uoZ97yUS-VciHGXeRARK-j1_/s1600/Chris+Powell+(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfjtB7wNghOOrPwX3uiIii-5On_hOzMwFrfKrsqbV-qX4nkeFZaa-mvj1GJ_c3wmlcAh9cAssAovYaHBwCXHIUN9BPBOm6XAtEolV6snIIDIskpepbbqz2uoZ97yUS-VciHGXeRARK-j1_/s1600/Chris+Powell+(2).jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAJYslGcd6wTTo2ydkxZ2JBS5E_ZLYA852L6BsH9GlvrsOG_LQh7xaKjkU-j33XrhACw_fD7q8zBVhJwmBLxnAbx5Wq1tkurAsqNPRAGGIu54k_JI2mY79cGTbcjJMAJdyJFAn91LDBSAH/s1600/chris-powell-shirtless.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAJYslGcd6wTTo2ydkxZ2JBS5E_ZLYA852L6BsH9GlvrsOG_LQh7xaKjkU-j33XrhACw_fD7q8zBVhJwmBLxnAbx5Wq1tkurAsqNPRAGGIu54k_JI2mY79cGTbcjJMAJdyJFAn91LDBSAH/s1600/chris-powell-shirtless.jpg" height="280" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-74557350970953992062013-11-28T12:04:00.000-05:002013-11-28T12:08:16.430-05:00gay stuff: jockstraps<br />
<br />
i understand there are a fair number of guys out there who enjoy seeing another guy in a jockstrap. i have never had an opinion on them. i never played sports so i never experienced that locker room atmosphere so that may be part of it. anyway one of my fuck buddies was very into it and got me a strap to wear. he suggested i try just wearing it as my underwear which i did the other day and i guess you could say i'm a turned man now. now i didn't want anybody to accidentally just see the jock band so i wore my regular underwear too (boxer briefs btw) but it was kinda hot to be wearing the jock all day. a little personal secret if you may.<br />
<br />
i don't know how common the jock is in regular day sports nowadays, but i thought compression shorts were getting more popular. i would definitely find it hot to see somebody in the hospital in scrubs and being able to see their jock lines. i guess i just see jocks as more of a style thing, akin to the woman's g-string. what do you think? (and practically speaking, why do they have to be ass-less? i never got that.)<br />
<br />
<form action="http://poll.pollcode.com/9963728" method="post">
<table bgcolor="EEEEEE" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="2" style="width: 175px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><b>are jockstraps hot?</b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td width="5"><input id="9963728answer1" name="answer" type="radio" value="1" /></td><td><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><label for="9963728answer1">yes i love them!</label></span></td></tr>
<tr><td width="5"><input id="9963728answer2" name="answer" type="radio" value="2" /></td><td><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><label for="9963728answer2">no and i don't get it.</label></span></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2"><center>
<input type="submit" value=" Vote " /> <input name="view" type="submit" value=" View " /></center>
</td></tr>
<tr><td align="right" colspan="2"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: xx-small;">pollcode.com <a href="http://pollcode.com/"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: xx-small;">free polls</span></a> </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</form>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr61JDH-03Wb1VOI6dliax_KnRi5Vvztr9B8wzlhUCPxitAyQ-Q4BjeN18KqGbX975akQ0GT9cT1yxEBqOeWv0qgQmUu0oFqkMN8yvSLfycsy3lfT2OCvbaFX92xSIgUWq-JtefbZILjRh/s1600/30024.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr61JDH-03Wb1VOI6dliax_KnRi5Vvztr9B8wzlhUCPxitAyQ-Q4BjeN18KqGbX975akQ0GT9cT1yxEBqOeWv0qgQmUu0oFqkMN8yvSLfycsy3lfT2OCvbaFX92xSIgUWq-JtefbZILjRh/s1600/30024.jpg" height="320" width="181" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzJPTrNgBgKLL33KEWJKqCUOwavCmBmFYXVezg4j6c1Xtrw_0E4IYX5GCErx24qIf43ez43yaXMtdgUwM10pluGUwM0EFsx-vHqNP4v1WPwFZ5f1ZLMhFYFah1Xl9OKOlNEQaC1Kay1pff/s1600/c-in2_ss13_3426_clearwater_teal_f_zen_mens_underwear_street_jock_strap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzJPTrNgBgKLL33KEWJKqCUOwavCmBmFYXVezg4j6c1Xtrw_0E4IYX5GCErx24qIf43ez43yaXMtdgUwM10pluGUwM0EFsx-vHqNP4v1WPwFZ5f1ZLMhFYFah1Xl9OKOlNEQaC1Kay1pff/s1600/c-in2_ss13_3426_clearwater_teal_f_zen_mens_underwear_street_jock_strap.jpg" height="320" width="248" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbDvelWeTvss_aDW9DCJ5EvkIgQmeLV4kFCbr58VUtfkZLKbzLIManux27vOLSh6zaMmmJ2JHJZga5NEELB21hdvO-sWD_bXrk7PGNNKQg4zGWcD0EySddG83dbBFyPYYkb2NFGv54M5Rd/s1600/8103712213_fd9ac1a0b9_z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbDvelWeTvss_aDW9DCJ5EvkIgQmeLV4kFCbr58VUtfkZLKbzLIManux27vOLSh6zaMmmJ2JHJZga5NEELB21hdvO-sWD_bXrk7PGNNKQg4zGWcD0EySddG83dbBFyPYYkb2NFGv54M5Rd/s1600/8103712213_fd9ac1a0b9_z.jpg" height="320" width="255" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinGNa_m3S1R-jivX84afKqdnfqrWmhrL0EGf1HrtOE1WNaAYFVeMi-d2xkmn4y6xbF21esdkJnnCswdWtjeG5qAc0tX7Jce1ogJssREqBmUZB7kpUGxyaLXwydYa11QoAthBMeI-ssoFOi/s1600/Jack-Adams-Varsity-Mesh-Jockstrap-Black.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinGNa_m3S1R-jivX84afKqdnfqrWmhrL0EGf1HrtOE1WNaAYFVeMi-d2xkmn4y6xbF21esdkJnnCswdWtjeG5qAc0tX7Jce1ogJssREqBmUZB7kpUGxyaLXwydYa11QoAthBMeI-ssoFOi/s1600/Jack-Adams-Varsity-Mesh-Jockstrap-Black.jpg" height="320" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2UV3rzM7rNG9Pjy0mBtO7KPle3IZILcuuCyEZicZlx8Mw2nmF6F8wOl2R7uwwJ67Hz2RarysbjU1AjHeQ9Cn9GdVieoFHMqrc0LehJDJem-oCr3RNCxB4wr_yXTDvYQNozs4wZyvLgh50/s1600/jock-strap-sergey-blanc-barcode.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2UV3rzM7rNG9Pjy0mBtO7KPle3IZILcuuCyEZicZlx8Mw2nmF6F8wOl2R7uwwJ67Hz2RarysbjU1AjHeQ9Cn9GdVieoFHMqrc0LehJDJem-oCr3RNCxB4wr_yXTDvYQNozs4wZyvLgh50/s1600/jock-strap-sergey-blanc-barcode.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilJzMkJmUTT-_QyQiV6QDUJ3mPbEba-5rwAHnetTQ3L2PTUCUzdYYV7siDZWz1rkFNLmAvUxSOuWCwL8mFoNt-RPjh-LmecUlAMcnY70ZWVhuw2qnmvEfc_xG2MAN89CgvJgH8-xNsrk0k/s1600/joe-snyder-pride-frame-jockstrap-rear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilJzMkJmUTT-_QyQiV6QDUJ3mPbEba-5rwAHnetTQ3L2PTUCUzdYYV7siDZWz1rkFNLmAvUxSOuWCwL8mFoNt-RPjh-LmecUlAMcnY70ZWVhuw2qnmvEfc_xG2MAN89CgvJgH8-xNsrk0k/s1600/joe-snyder-pride-frame-jockstrap-rear.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLtnUCaG9qAsNTxICRLf9lZre7G6hEnzlKPtXO8kd3UKHcaGlYwLExyVWWYOffJnq0N60w6X3cSSH6RnEHczLBQmATUOMvPHAxwjnhIRzVvFYubG9cQn0CgEvb2fhyphenhyphen1GfmuMsLcQvywZSw/s1600/prd_mcdavid-hexmesh-supporter-with-flexcup-ultralite.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLtnUCaG9qAsNTxICRLf9lZre7G6hEnzlKPtXO8kd3UKHcaGlYwLExyVWWYOffJnq0N60w6X3cSSH6RnEHczLBQmATUOMvPHAxwjnhIRzVvFYubG9cQn0CgEvb2fhyphenhyphen1GfmuMsLcQvywZSw/s1600/prd_mcdavid-hexmesh-supporter-with-flexcup-ultralite.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2KvJ-QRfC39OnFb0F73S-F7Uz0EOzCm0eaAloceBwMPjJ9W5z2dVOim3MirvkJdX0HZjzvIz0S6DYXpMyOXytrIh-sZJmaGxhUwOktt0Vr5NVclWlYC0o_jHLEmbqZIruqKMs1igkAf37/s1600/un050-velvet-jockstrap-with-pack-up-tech.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2KvJ-QRfC39OnFb0F73S-F7Uz0EOzCm0eaAloceBwMPjJ9W5z2dVOim3MirvkJdX0HZjzvIz0S6DYXpMyOXytrIh-sZJmaGxhUwOktt0Vr5NVclWlYC0o_jHLEmbqZIruqKMs1igkAf37/s1600/un050-velvet-jockstrap-with-pack-up-tech.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-76251952585200143122013-11-15T02:02:00.000-05:002013-11-15T02:47:03.959-05:00one of my close friends in the residency had his baby recently. really excited for him and his wife and they'll be great parents. but all the baby talk the past few months and especially him finally becoming a dad has kinda been giving me a twinge of sadness. one of the hardest parts about accepting myself as a gay man was accepting that i would never have the perfect nuclear family. i always imagined i'd have that beautiful wife, the home, the kids, and the family dog and when i first started messing around with guys i thought that'd still be in my future after i got over this phase.<br />
<br />
well that phase is here to stay and while i'm perfectly happy that i'll end up with a guy someday, there's always that mixture of jealousy, longing, and sadness when i see a happy straight couple being happy and looking like the perfect family with their kids. i was so looking forward to bringing into this world with someone i love my own kids and knowing that will never happen is always a bummer. sure there's always adoption or surrogacy or other things like that, but it just isn't the same as being a normal straight couple having their own kid. i see my friends going through those life milestones and all i can think about is how it will never be that easy with whatever man i end up with.<br />
<br />
i don't know. there are enough people in this world that i don't need to bring another one into it with my own genes, but damn i sure want to be a dad and i still want to have that white picket family.madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-29290212495255070132013-10-23T07:43:00.002-04:002013-10-23T07:51:32.686-04:00I saw an 80 something year old lady in my clinic this week. I've seen her a lot over my residency and gotten to know her pretty well. She always comes in with these vague complaints and I'm never really sure I've actually helped her when she leaves. She always comes back though so I guess I'm doing something she likes. This week's visit was no different, another perplexing complaint that in an old person, you have to take seriously. So we are talking about our plan to work up her complaint she says to me in her cute little 80 year old voice "OK doctor I trust you completely".<br />
<br />
I was taken aback by that. What a weird thing to say. It was all at once something so vulnerable and so meaningful. I don't think I could say that to anyone in my life right now. Maybe my mom. Her words have really stuck with me. I think it would mean more to hear that from someone than even "I love you". god knows you can love someone but not have any, much less complete trust in them. More than anything I want to find a man I could say the same thing to and mean every word, and be that someone to him to trust in return.<br />
<br />
<br />
"I trust you completely."madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-36513131568406546412013-10-18T16:05:00.003-04:002013-10-18T21:40:56.373-04:00the other day i got a text from a medical school friend congratulating me for being gay and offering support. one of my other friends had been in his town for a fellowship interview and had 'mentioned' it to him. i was amused by the text. one because it was corny and long-winded in its sentiment but that was just typical for the friend. two because this friend closed the message in a way that could be ambiguously interpreted and there had always been some questions about this friend's own sexuality in med school. anyway it was my first experience of someone finding out i'm a big cocksucker not from my own mouth. i wasn't upset or anything, but it was a realization that this part about me that i've kept secret for so long is not really my secret anymore. i mean everyone has someone in their highest circle of trust they will tell anything, so i should expect that word may or may not get around. at this point i don't really care, my attitude is just i'm not gonna volunteer that information but won't deny or lie about it if it comes up.<br />
<br />
the friend who spilled the beans texted me a few days later letting me know they had talked..thanks..a little late on that. but his intention was to spark this friend's sexual maturation if there is a homo side to him somewhere inside there and using me as the martyr which is fine with me.<br />
<br />
alright that's it for now. not a sox fan whatsoever don't get me wrong, but baseball guys are always hot.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjcpZwrpl8GY0JfhJOaB3EK1bE9JDcHEnhAzYbzqFeQ4Dizxr0fQb9A2xwJvvB7mUyAmst9RXq4zQM1jb7Ln57Y6dOu2FIk57HHs8bjGIvIEABq4gJaBcBdJmKny3e8l2YSUwcYzg7CfLr/s1600/tumblr_m7y4rsh21f1qk9t29o1_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjcpZwrpl8GY0JfhJOaB3EK1bE9JDcHEnhAzYbzqFeQ4Dizxr0fQb9A2xwJvvB7mUyAmst9RXq4zQM1jb7Ln57Y6dOu2FIk57HHs8bjGIvIEABq4gJaBcBdJmKny3e8l2YSUwcYzg7CfLr/s1600/tumblr_m7y4rsh21f1qk9t29o1_400.jpg" width="424" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_500822907"></span><span id="goog_500822908"></span><br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-55905794254556516832013-10-15T13:39:00.001-04:002013-10-15T22:06:50.116-04:00once in awhile i get to watch TV when i'm at work at night, and whenever we've seen the sportscenter cycle 5x, i usually turn to HGTV or food network for whatever reason. i came across an episode of "cousins undercover" and i admit i only kept watching because i thought the hosts were hot. i looked into this a little online and apparently HGTV is purposely picking out these hot home-improver types to entice their audiences. well, it worked for me. these guys look like they walked straight out of chelsea, but alas they're straight.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTeMRDW9PkUgSTWMmZkKe-9uYrUZoaZZ-kJGKscVxAnWG8lMo2sohPhsrgCappVuwV1DpXKlZkIdzanCZHH9dch7w0SvdmHAu-jjz1-XKQQSYeAG7cdmYNukozPrQX7mc3UEfjgClX8NYD/s1600/cousins-on-call.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTeMRDW9PkUgSTWMmZkKe-9uYrUZoaZZ-kJGKscVxAnWG8lMo2sohPhsrgCappVuwV1DpXKlZkIdzanCZHH9dch7w0SvdmHAu-jjz1-XKQQSYeAG7cdmYNukozPrQX7mc3UEfjgClX8NYD/s1600/cousins-on-call.jpg" height="293" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibZgjtBBWHKMBz-1U3eSp4Ko0qOUGixOm8BuCBHBNRLmrM62FZMGRcxLE2hdabuUPXzh8-pP8_SmSlzQFB_lze7kWAuHZ_SyXkKt3M4fUoZSNlpJ_lBze0sDCVj8s0pWenJ5skT_JREA45/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibZgjtBBWHKMBz-1U3eSp4Ko0qOUGixOm8BuCBHBNRLmrM62FZMGRcxLE2hdabuUPXzh8-pP8_SmSlzQFB_lze7kWAuHZ_SyXkKt3M4fUoZSNlpJ_lBze0sDCVj8s0pWenJ5skT_JREA45/s1600/download.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIrDKzcWDQy7l66E83krgmn0VXvYn-UwfrqXADO0A1VD3VRSn3-xKTbt9xoDiOblsfN5Cxlp4J1yoNbXctlvU_NsNF6in9RWt8lcJ5X3YYyid51IIevbqE53ln9AjQsgALHAnhhzePiAWn/s1600/kitchen-cousins-anthony-carrino-john-colaneri.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIrDKzcWDQy7l66E83krgmn0VXvYn-UwfrqXADO0A1VD3VRSn3-xKTbt9xoDiOblsfN5Cxlp4J1yoNbXctlvU_NsNF6in9RWt8lcJ5X3YYyid51IIevbqE53ln9AjQsgALHAnhhzePiAWn/s1600/kitchen-cousins-anthony-carrino-john-colaneri.jpg" height="280" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.homorazzi.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/anthony-carrino-john-colaneri.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.homorazzi.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/anthony-carrino-john-colaneri.jpg" height="280" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXTp_UWqAk_r0EUYPIMpWMg8C6i7d4rzPYraQaWNUc3-cE8qyLT8ybBmyfxHkQlZjB5xvTd9f9Zfb8IagQSE3Yiqlgp7ant0iUs6y9rRCRZul-XzStf0-7JpmBtdgk_mQX_jVg5IIKICIK/s1600/maxresdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXTp_UWqAk_r0EUYPIMpWMg8C6i7d4rzPYraQaWNUc3-cE8qyLT8ybBmyfxHkQlZjB5xvTd9f9Zfb8IagQSE3Yiqlgp7ant0iUs6y9rRCRZul-XzStf0-7JpmBtdgk_mQX_jVg5IIKICIK/s1600/maxresdefault.jpg" height="360" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-70486453041495072572013-10-04T07:48:00.001-04:002013-10-04T07:51:17.674-04:00well i am on nights again and have a random night off so what is one to do when you still gotta stay up all night but blog. i'm gonna try to update yall on everything i mentioned before so this could get pretty long. strap on...<br />
<br />
ok so a little update on the coming out thing. one of my good friends from med school got married this summer. i have a core group of 4 guys including me. one i told and blogged about that experience a few months ago. i finally got to tell the other two during this wedding trip. the groom took it normal like i knew he would. honestly a stand up guy and i knew he wouldn't give a shit. it was funny to tell him 'cuz it was after his bachelor party night was wrapping up and he was already very drunk. my other friend who already knew was there too so it was kinda funny for us to go back and forth and my friend (the groom) had all these funny straight boy questions.<br />
<br />
my other friend....i wouldn't say it went badly but i don't know if i'd say it went well. this time, it was me, the friend, and my other friend who's already known. we were on a rooftop having drinks and i didn't directly come out and say i was homo but implied it very strongly. it took my friend a while to get it and then he kind of had a look on his face when he got it. quickly after that though he said we should go back down and that was it. no follow up questions or real acknowledgement of what i had just said. it was weird. everything after that including the wedding went completely normal but it just seemed like he took that info about me, put it in a box in his mind and left it at that.<br />
<br />
i had another wedding for a friend from hs and got to tell some close friends i've been meaning to tell there. so i guess overall i'm getting more comfortable doing this. my issue is i'm just not a very flashy person and i hate drawing attention to myself, so it always seems stupid having to make a point about what sex i like sleeping next to at night.<br />
<br />
<div>
i guess the most interesting thing to update yall about is the guy i was seeing. it was a little complicated situation with him. he's a guy i've been hooking up with for nearly two years now since i came to this town for residency and i've probably mentioned him off and on. M and i had mostly a sexual relationship for a long time, the occasional hookup most of my intern year. but over the past several months our relationship started to evolve into more than just FWB. texting back and forth, even started doing normal things one might do if they were dating. but it was a really slow burn and i was actually getting frustrated that he didn't seem to want to do more than have sex.<br />
<br />
then something flipped and suddenly he seemed to finally want to spend time together and that's how it's been the past few months. we never put a name to what exactly our relationship was, but somewhere along the way i fell in love with him and he did too, and we broke the L word ice. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
but even though i had fallen in love, somewhere along the way, i realized something didn't feel right. just a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. i liked spending time with him, and i truly loved him, but i couldn't see where we'd be in 5 years. and then i was going to all these weddings and DOMA was struck down and i realized i couldn't be with him forever. for now, things were perfect, but i could see looking down the road i would be unsatisfied. i knew this guy wouldn't be the one.<br />
<br />
but at the same time i was starting to realize this wasn't working, i could tell M was falling even deeper for me. and i felt like such a villain knowing that i was with this man who loved me and wanted to be with me and i didn't want to be with him. how could i be so cruel to hurt him? and how could i be so stupid to throw away a perfectly good relationship? but, it just didn't fit.<br />
<br />
i let things linger longer than i should have. there was never a right time to do it. so i dawdled and we spent a summer together and i finally broke his heart last month. it was not easy and i can't imagine how it felt to him. i mean i basically told him "i love you, but not enough to spend the rest of my life with you. now go fuck yourself." in one of those stupid life coincidences, fleetwood mac's "you can go your own way" was playing at the bar where we had the talk.<br />
<br />
it wasn't a clean break (does that ever happen anymore?) and i still saw him a few times after the line was drawn that it was over---and will still probably see him occasionally. but i will always remember his face as we were lying next to each other in his bed and he said "i'm going to miss this", his face drawn with an intense look of pain and sadness and heartbreak, all these things that i did to him. what the fuck is wrong with me?<br />
<br />
so september kind of sucked. i'm probably more depressed about this than i've let on outwardly (and i was the fucking initiator of the breakup for gods sakes) it would probably be helpful to talk about this with someone in reality but i hate bringing up gay stuff with my normal friends.<br />
<br />
i don't know if i'll really get back on the dating train this year. my time in this city is almost up, but i guess i would be willing to open myself up to letting something happen. i guess i'll just do it like the movies and not look for anything specific and see what life happens to me.<br />
<br />
alright now i'm all depressed and shit again so that's it for now. here is a happy pic to close things out with. i saw this guy on a tumblr and he reminds me a lot of the cop guy i hooked up with in medical school.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivpZSSOnSjtBTCm8y-krFskcHXca-MxKjvHDo5a-aqcktm_BCsbNu8V1xjS3UAqMbrZkOf_3XK0n45xWn-PdcjuxOuV9NupbpTIN83iBCW9gtWbxLQit9v6VJVzyyQy8GNMnsyNkKOe7s2/s1600/tumblr_mm1hijXgOe1qk9t29o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivpZSSOnSjtBTCm8y-krFskcHXca-MxKjvHDo5a-aqcktm_BCsbNu8V1xjS3UAqMbrZkOf_3XK0n45xWn-PdcjuxOuV9NupbpTIN83iBCW9gtWbxLQit9v6VJVzyyQy8GNMnsyNkKOe7s2/s640/tumblr_mm1hijXgOe1qk9t29o1_500.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-15091794324707716762013-09-12T03:59:00.004-04:002013-09-12T04:42:35.825-04:00hey guys<br />
it's been too long and i owe yall an explanation. it was a crazy summer that's for sure. short version, i attended a few weddings all over the country (one more this weekend), went to lollapalooza, had, and ended a relationship with another guy where we both truly loved each other, came out to some of my important friends and partially to my family (not all there yet), and oh yea still did some of this doctoring business in between. i promise the big update is coming.<br />
<br />
by the way, thanks for sticking around and checking in on this blog. i know bloggers come and go so i really appreciate and am truly flattered that i have even the semblance of an audience interested in the crap i have to spew.<br />
<br />
in the meantime (cuz who knows when i will actually be able to sit down and recap all that) check out this speech by wentworth miller. he quietly but somewhat dramatically came out last month in protest to the russia anti-gay stuff.. i think his speech encapsulates a lot of the emotions we (as in homos) go through as we struggle to come out. i always thought he was cute and knew for a long time that he was a glass closet hollywood gay, but i think it's awesome he's really being an advocate now. it's a long speech but worth it.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://action.hrc.org/site/PageNavigator/2013_Wentworth_SocialShare.html">http://action.hrc.org/site/PageNavigator/2013_Wentworth_SocialShare.html</a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/hzURem24MQU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1900319980280933402.post-64591820058095529552013-07-15T19:31:00.000-04:002013-07-15T19:53:04.154-04:00hey guys<br />
my apologies and all that about not posting. it's been awhile. work, life, etc has gotten in the way of posting. i'm on nights currently so it's been out to work, back to bed, and repeat, but i'll try to write a real post one of these days when i wake up wide awake in the middle of the day when i should be sleeping. hope yall have been well, you'll hear from me soon.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvQRxpB5HDU01rC1WuobOwGI1ePG9tpmwFv4LGEM20w8AjpyjGvMXvqHZm8vR0IwNwlLTuB1lyM5ACgB8hzCrc1IORtjxIqpvUNpCz-vUPGWEJEzD_sbnkHtKIqEGjUVnQ6ftJYrMCK1fB/s1600/tumblr_mik3a4qSE31qk9t29o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvQRxpB5HDU01rC1WuobOwGI1ePG9tpmwFv4LGEM20w8AjpyjGvMXvqHZm8vR0IwNwlLTuB1lyM5ACgB8hzCrc1IORtjxIqpvUNpCz-vUPGWEJEzD_sbnkHtKIqEGjUVnQ6ftJYrMCK1fB/s1600/tumblr_mik3a4qSE31qk9t29o1_500.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />madmanMDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11583772387252990713noreply@blogger.com3