Friday, December 20, 2013

when i saw that the "duck dynasty" guy had been fired from his show, i cringed. i knew it would set off an unnecessary firestorm about gays and give anti-homos more fuel to rally behind. A&E can do whatever the hell they want with their stars, but i don't think it is doing the "gay agenda" any favors to have him suspended. far better would it have been for them to make a statement saying they don't support his views and then maybe have an episode next season or something where this family meets some 'normal' homos and have a dialogue about that. now it's just gonna be a cluster on the media cycle for the next few days and neither side will have changed their views on anything.

i often wonder what patients would think if they knew about my private life. we as doctors get to know so much about a patient's personal life, yet it's a real one-way street. would it really matter to you what you knew about your doctor's personal life? it shouldn't, but i've always been interested to know if any of my patients would treat or interact with me any differently if they knew that what i was looking forward to after work is sucking a big fat dick. the patient/doctor relationship is really complex and so many subtle things can change the interaction dramatically, so would my sexuality be one of those things? i usually get along pretty well with my patients, so i wonder what a little randomized trial of patients knowing my preference vs. not knowing would have on their overall opinion after their evaluation. and if they were really critically ill and there were no one else around, would they consent to be treated by me? i bet there are some people out there who would rather die than be treated by a homo. but what about the opposite, what if a gay-hater had their life saved and then at the end found out it was because a gay doc had helped them? would their whole world be turned upside down? who knows.

it is interesting that while i could face discrimination from my patients, i could never do the same in reverse. can you imagine the shitstorm that would happen if some doctor refused to treat a woman, a christian, an anti-semitic, a racist, a prostitute, a drunk, a homeless, a lesbian, a morbidly obese, or whatever? we no matter what are supposed to be a neutral party and every patient that walks in we treat the same regardless of what their personal life or views are like. and really shouldn't that be the way it is for everyone?

Monday, December 16, 2013

happy holidays! hope yall are staying warm out there. i decided last week i should probably try to get in shape. i had been working on my beach muscles earlier in the year then got derailed with working nights and the breakup etc, and basically haven't been doing anything for a few months. but i've been getting these really weird twinges of chest pain and whenever an attending makes us take the stairs i'm like winded after two flights. also kind of worrisome is that after a night of moderate to heavy drinking i have these really bad palpitations in the early morning. clearly i've been neglecting my cardiovascular health. i've always been decently athletic but i realized now i'm at that age where i really can't just wake up out of bed and expect to be ready to run a 10k. (i'm in my late 20s)

anyway i'm gonna try to get a jump start on new years and get back on the gym thing. not so much the muscles thing, but focus more on my cardiac health cuz that's what gets everyone later on. i ran on a treadmill for the first time in god knows how long last thursday and ran 2 miles in like 24 minutes and wanted to die the whole time. i asked my co-resident who is a fitness freak if it's supposed to get easier and she's like, "no but you get high". haha so there's her motivation. i'm always telling patients to eat healthier and exercise a few times a week so i guess it's time i practice what i preach. running is seriously miserable though. i ran again today and at least it was a little easier. everyone's always wishing for things they don't have but not willing to put in the hard work for it, (me included) but i'm gonna start trying to put in the work for a healthier body and healthier heart.

alright thought i'd close with some winter-themed pics. most i got from hope you have someone to enjoy this cuddle weather with!

Monday, December 2, 2013

my first thought when i found out bob harper, some trainer on the biggest loser, was gay, my first thought was not "oh, he's gay" but rather "damn, he looks good for 48!"

bonus: as i was looking for pictures of bob, i came across chris powell, another stud who does one of these weight loss shows. unfortunately, this one is straight.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

gay stuff: jockstraps

i understand there are a fair number of guys out there who enjoy seeing another guy in a jockstrap. i have never had an opinion on them. i never played sports so i never experienced that locker room atmosphere so that may be part of it. anyway one of my fuck buddies was very into it and got me a strap to wear. he suggested i try just wearing it as my underwear which i did the other day and i guess you could say i'm a turned man now. now i didn't want anybody to accidentally just see the jock band so i wore my regular underwear too (boxer briefs btw) but it was kinda hot to be wearing the jock all day. a little personal secret if you may.

i don't know how common the jock is in regular day sports nowadays, but i thought compression shorts were getting more popular. i would definitely find it hot to see somebody in the hospital in scrubs and being able to see their jock lines. i guess i just see jocks as more of a style thing, akin to the woman's g-string. what do you think? (and practically speaking, why do they have to be ass-less? i never got that.)

are jockstraps hot? free polls 

Friday, November 15, 2013

one of my close friends in the residency had his baby recently. really excited for him and his wife and they'll be great parents. but all the baby talk the past few months and especially him finally becoming a dad has kinda been giving me a twinge of sadness. one of the hardest parts about accepting myself as a gay man was accepting that i would never have the perfect nuclear family. i always imagined i'd have that beautiful wife, the home, the kids, and the family dog and when i first started messing around with guys i thought that'd still be in my future after i got over this phase.

well that phase is here to stay and while i'm perfectly happy that i'll end up with a guy someday, there's always that mixture of jealousy, longing, and sadness when i see a happy straight couple being happy and looking like the perfect family with their kids. i was so looking forward to bringing into this world with someone i love my own kids and knowing that will never happen is always a bummer. sure there's always adoption or surrogacy or other things like that, but it just isn't the same as being a normal straight couple having their own kid. i see my friends going through those life milestones and all i can think about is how it will never be that easy with whatever man i end up with.

i don't know. there are enough people in this world that i don't need to bring another one into it with my own genes, but damn i sure want to be a dad and i still want to have that white picket family.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I saw an 80 something year old lady in my clinic this week. I've seen her a lot over my residency and gotten to know her pretty well. She always comes in with these vague complaints and I'm never really sure I've actually helped her when she leaves. She always comes back though so I guess I'm doing something she likes. This week's visit was no different, another perplexing complaint that in an old person, you have to take seriously. So we are talking about our plan to work up her complaint she says to me in her cute little 80 year old voice "OK doctor I trust you completely".

I was taken aback by that. What a weird thing to say. It was all at once something so vulnerable and so meaningful. I don't think I could say that to anyone in my life right now. Maybe my mom. Her words have really stuck with me. I think it would mean more to hear that from someone than even "I love you". god knows you can love someone but not have any, much less complete trust in them. More than anything I want to find a man I could say the same thing to and mean every word, and be that someone to him to trust in return.

"I trust you completely."

Friday, October 18, 2013

the other day i got a text from a medical school friend congratulating me for being gay and offering support. one of my other friends had been in his town for a fellowship interview and had 'mentioned' it to him. i was amused by the text. one because it was corny and long-winded in its sentiment but that was just typical for the friend. two because this friend closed the message in a way that could be ambiguously interpreted and there had always been some questions about this friend's own sexuality in med school. anyway it was my first experience of someone finding out i'm a big cocksucker not from my own mouth. i wasn't upset or anything, but it was a realization that this part about me that i've kept secret for so long is not really my secret anymore. i mean everyone has someone in their highest circle of trust they will tell anything, so i should expect that word may or may not get around. at this point i don't really care, my attitude is just i'm not gonna volunteer that information but won't deny or lie about it if it comes up.

the friend who spilled the beans texted me a few days later letting me know they had talked..thanks..a little late on that. but his intention was to spark this friend's sexual maturation if there is a homo side to him somewhere inside there and using me as the martyr which is fine with me.

alright that's it for now. not a sox fan whatsoever don't get me wrong, but baseball guys are always hot.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

once in awhile i get to watch TV when i'm at work at night, and whenever we've seen the sportscenter cycle 5x, i usually turn to HGTV or food network for whatever reason. i came across an episode of "cousins undercover" and i admit i only kept watching because i thought the hosts were hot. i looked into this a little online and apparently HGTV is purposely picking out these hot home-improver types to entice their audiences. well, it worked for me. these guys look like they walked straight out of chelsea, but alas they're straight.

Friday, October 4, 2013

well i am on nights again and have a random night off so what is one to do when you still gotta stay up all night but blog. i'm gonna try to update yall on everything i mentioned before so this could get pretty long. strap on...

ok so a little update on the coming out thing. one of my good friends from med school got married this summer. i have a core group of 4 guys including me. one i told and blogged about that experience a few months ago. i finally got to tell the other two during this wedding trip. the groom took it normal like i knew he would. honestly a stand up guy and i knew he wouldn't give a shit. it was funny to tell him 'cuz it was after his bachelor party night was wrapping up and he was already very drunk. my other friend who already knew was there too so it was kinda funny for us to go back and forth and my friend (the groom) had all these funny straight boy questions.

my other friend....i wouldn't say it went badly but i don't know if i'd say it went well. this time, it was me, the friend, and my other friend who's already known. we were on a rooftop having drinks and i didn't directly come out and say i was homo but implied it very strongly. it took my friend a while to get it and then he kind of had a look on his face when he got it. quickly after that though he said we should go back down and that was it. no follow up questions or real acknowledgement of what i had just said. it was weird. everything after that including the wedding went completely normal but it just seemed like he took that info about me, put it in a box in his mind and left it at that.

i had another wedding for a friend from hs and got to tell some close friends i've been meaning to tell there. so i guess overall i'm getting more comfortable doing this. my issue is i'm just not a very flashy person and i hate drawing attention to myself, so it always seems stupid having to make a point about what sex i like sleeping next to at night.

i guess the most interesting thing to update yall about is the guy i was seeing. it was a little complicated situation with him. he's a guy i've been hooking up with for nearly two years now since i came to this town for residency and i've probably mentioned him off and on. M and i had mostly a sexual relationship for a long time, the occasional hookup most of my intern year. but over the past several months our relationship started to evolve into more than just FWB. texting back and forth, even started doing normal things one might do if they were dating. but it was a really slow burn and i was actually getting frustrated that he didn't seem to want to do more than have sex.

then something flipped and suddenly he seemed to finally want to spend time together and that's how it's been the past few months. we never put a name to what exactly our relationship was, but somewhere along the way i fell in love with him and he did too, and we broke the L word ice.  

but even though i had fallen in love, somewhere along the way, i realized something didn't feel right. just a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. i liked spending time with him, and i truly loved him, but i couldn't see where we'd be in 5 years. and then i was going to all these weddings and DOMA was struck down and i realized i couldn't be with him forever. for now, things were perfect, but i could see looking down the road i would be unsatisfied. i knew this guy wouldn't be the one.

but at the same time i was starting to realize this wasn't working, i could tell M was falling even deeper for me. and i felt like such a villain knowing that i was with this man who loved me and wanted to be with me and i didn't want to be with him. how could i be so cruel to hurt him? and how could i be so stupid to throw away a perfectly good relationship? but, it just didn't fit.

i let things linger longer than i should have. there was never a right time to do it. so i dawdled and we spent a summer together and i finally broke his heart last month. it was not easy and i can't imagine how it felt to him. i mean i basically told him "i love you, but not enough to spend the rest of my life with you. now go fuck yourself." in one of those stupid life coincidences, fleetwood mac's "you can go your own way" was playing at the bar where we had the talk.

it wasn't a clean break (does that ever happen anymore?) and i still saw him a few times after the line was drawn that it was over---and will still probably see him occasionally. but i will always remember his face as we were lying next to each other in his bed and he said "i'm going to miss this", his face drawn with an intense look of pain and sadness and heartbreak, all these things that i did to him. what the fuck is wrong with me?

so september kind of sucked. i'm probably more depressed about this than i've let on outwardly (and i was the fucking initiator of the breakup for gods sakes) it would probably be helpful to talk about this with someone in reality but i hate bringing up gay stuff with my normal friends.

i don't know if i'll really get back on the dating train this year. my time in this city is almost up, but i guess i would be willing to open myself up to letting something happen. i guess i'll just do it like the movies and not look for anything specific and see what life happens to me.

alright now i'm all depressed and shit again so that's it for now. here is a happy pic to close things out with. i saw this guy on a tumblr and he reminds me a lot of the cop guy i hooked up with in medical school.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

hey guys
it's been too long and i owe yall an explanation. it was a crazy summer that's for sure. short version, i attended a few weddings all over the country (one more this weekend), went to lollapalooza, had, and ended a relationship with another guy where we both truly loved each other, came out to some of my important friends and partially to my family (not all there yet), and oh yea still did some of this doctoring business in between. i promise the big update is coming.

by the way, thanks for sticking around and checking in on this blog. i know bloggers come and go so i really appreciate and am truly flattered that i have even the semblance of an audience interested in the crap i have to spew.

in the meantime (cuz who knows when i will actually be able to sit down and recap all that) check out this speech by wentworth miller. he quietly but somewhat dramatically came out last month in protest to the russia anti-gay stuff.. i think his speech encapsulates a lot of the emotions we (as in homos) go through as we struggle to come out. i always thought he was cute and knew for a long time that he was a glass closet hollywood gay, but i think it's awesome he's really being an advocate now. it's a long speech but worth it.

Monday, July 15, 2013

hey guys
my apologies and all that about not posting. it's been awhile. work, life, etc has gotten in the way of posting. i'm on nights currently so it's been out to work, back to bed, and repeat, but i'll try to write a real post one of these days when i wake up wide awake in the middle of the day when i should be sleeping. hope yall have been well, you'll hear from me soon.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

after my first time with another guy, i spent the following morning in a haze of confusion, guilt, and paranoia. at the same time i was filled with the thrill that i had finally acted on emotions that i had been trying to suppress. i was hooked, but i didn't know how to get more.

enter craigslist.

i'm not sure how i knew how to go down this avenue, (had i heard this in passing? was it common sense? had i browsed the m4m section prior to my first time? i really can't remember at this point) regardless, craigslist became my first turn to look for more man on man action. i posted an ad the day after my first time, and boy can you get a lot of attention as an early 20-something year old talking about his first time.

i ended up finding my second hookup off craigslist. the guy ended up being a fair bit older than his pics suggested. he still was fairly attractive and i was too naive and polite to refuse and my second time with a man was significantly better than my first time.

but so went on the fuel to my fast growing addiction to the art of the hookup. while i was (and still am) a typical horny young adult, there was something about finally allowing myself to be with men that flipped a switch for a craving for sex i could not seem to satisfy. i was addicted to hooking up with guys. i quickly shed any naivete about having sex with men. yes there were a few guys who i managed to see at least a couple of times, but for the most part these were one and dones. i became adept at scanning through the craigslist ads for the ones that seemed legit and the ones from flakes. more often i would just play my own game and post my own ad, weeding out the junk to find the next hopeful satisfying hookup.

as i've thought about writing this post the past few weeks, i thought it would be helpful to put a count on how many men i've had some form of intimacy with. one night i ran through my history and i decided to stop when i hit the 100+ mark. yes, i've had sex with at least a 100 different men. some weeks it was probably as much as every other day. all this mind you, while i was in medical school. i'd troll craigslist after class instead of study. there were even the occasional morning hookups i'd take precedence for over class. i'd stay up late looking for a hookup instead of resting up for class. i'd find myself drunk at one of the gay bars after a night out with classmates trolling for a man to take me home. you get the point. i just couldn't get enough.

i knew what i was doing wasn't healthy, but i couldn't help myself. even today i still can't fully explain to myself why i was so drawn to these random hookups. of course, there was just me being horny, and finding another guy to have sex with being easy. there was also the element of the thrill of being with a new man. the promise that maybe this next guy would be the one to put an end to this quest. that maybe i would finally find a real emotional connection after taking a shortcut with the physical one. there was definitely an emotional void and longing for a real connection with another man that i was searching for with these hookups.

as any guy who has been caught up in the hookup culture can tell you, i never really found one that way. yes there have been guys over the years that i met for a hookup that would turn into something a little more meaningful than a cum and go, and perhaps those decent guys who maybe were in the same state of mind as me only added to the hope that what i was searching for was out there. but any idea that anyone could meet a husband that way is insane. (if perhaps you have found your partner in the hookup culture, please feel free to share your story)

while there is a certain degree of shame with the extent my sexual history has gone, i'm at peace with who i was. i'm not going to be blasting out loud how many partners i've had at every dinner party i go to, but it's been an important part of my sexual evolution. fortunately i escaped from that phase without serious harm. i find it kind of amazing i never caught an STD (especially as there were a few bb encounters here and there..) and my hookup travels sometimes took me to some questionable locations. on the flip side, i probably saw more parts of the city i went to med school in than i would have if i hadn't been so deep in this addiction.

not to say i've completely changed into an ambassador for celibacy. i'm especially prone to mischief when out of town in a new city, but so far as i've been in my current home city, i've cooled it. i don't know if my story is an extreme or common for the typical gay man, but i hope maybe i haven't been the only one out there who's been confused and used sex as a coping mechanism for the far more complex issues of coming to terms with being a man-loving, sword-swallowing homo.

Friday, March 29, 2013

my sleep cycle has been completely f-cked this week. i got in the habit of taking a "nap" after work earlier week and those always end up turning into a fat-ass nap that just keeps me up all night. sleep is definitely my weakness in life.

anyway in one of my deranged partial all-nighters i was catching up on my TV shows. as i've mentioned before i've taken a liking to "the new normal" on NBC. well this week's episode was just stunning. i really strongly urge you to watch it. i honestly can't believe they aired an episode like that on network tv. briefly, it's about one of the main characters going back to the boy scouts as an adult troop leader but being scared about it 'cuz he's gay. i don't want to say anything else about the plot, but it encapsulated nearly all the hopes and fears that i have about coming out, and it just really hit hard for me. i think if you are a fellow homo you will find something to identify with in this episode, and even if you're not it's a great perspective on discrimination, so just watch it and see what you think. (i actually liked the message of the girls' storyline too.)

anyway i commend the show for tackling a very politically-charged issue head on like that. man that last scene was so powerful. check it out.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

hey all
you know that funk you get in when you're not really busy, but you can't seem to get anything done? yea that's been my march. it's not been stressful at all but i feel like i've accomplished very little and i really could have put in a few more posts this month. well here ya guys go...a few random tangents as usual.

nothing going on with my love life. there has been one very cute guy who messaged me a few weeks ago on grindr but has dodged any idea to meet up and hasn't been too 'chatty' after being the one to make first contact. i'm never really sure how to interpret online chatting/flirting. i assumed he was interested in developing something given he messaged me first, but all subsequent chats i feel like i'm pulling teeth and being 'that guy' who keeps talking without getting the hint. i guess i am just a little confused because he was the one to talk to me first so i figure he should be the one putting more effort into the chat but he's not. he's cute though so i'll keep giving it a shot.

aside from that i continue to have a complicated relationship with a regular fuck buddy i have off and on talked about non-specifically. i need to really just give you guys all the details but that is for another post.

i've been going to the gym more. not enough to be on the cover of men's health anytime soon but i'm pleased with myself for getting off my lazy ass and going a few times a few week. and it does feel pretty good after you get in a good work out. actually i've been averaging out to like twice a week which is still pretty pitiful but hey it's a work in progress. i do think i'm making a few gains and i'm supposed to start working out with my chief who has a body i wouldn't mind trading with so we'll see how that goes. it's definitely hard work and i admire guys who have the dedication to be at the gym all the time. if you have any workout tips or regimens feel free to share with me.

match day came and went a few weeks ago. (congrats to all the ms4s out there.) it was hard to believe it had been two years since my match day on march 17th 2011. med school is getting farther and farther away and it's such a surreal realization. (i know, i'm so experienced with my whole years of being a doctor under my belt) i really kinda miss med school though. even the craziness of intern year, it was still a good time and it's hard to believe it's been a year since that all happened already. one of my weaknesses is that i'm a sentimental fool but i think it's always nice to think back on old times (remembering the good and not the bad)

on a somewhat similar note, i've been meaning to write a post on my hookup history. not exactly a tell all, but just get a little more real with you guys about my relatively extensive sexual exploits. i kinda have avoided talking about it but another blogger i've been emailing says i should write about it and reassure other guys they're not the only ones out there who have or did fall into the hookup culture so i'll try to make that my next post.

i'll be waiting to hear this marriage decision. i hope it goes well. i kinda cringe though when i see all the press it's getting. i think the last thing we want, or at least i want, is to keep shoving this gay thing into people's faces. yes i want the right to marry another man if i so choose, but i don't want the general population to be turned off by all the crap this (non)-issue is getting. i was reading a piece on portman and his son, and it was interesting to read a statistic that said something like, 'most people turn in favor of gay marriage when they know someone who is gay'. i guess what that means is it's up to us normal, but dick-loving, joes to come out and show society that we're not that villainous after all.

penultimate thing, head on over to this blog catch up on the last few posts, and leave a thought or two for him. i'm interested in what other thoughts people have about his situation cuz i personally have no clue what to think. i think the bisexual thing is always more difficult to deal with and i'd like him to have as many different [constructive] opinions as possible. hope he doesn't mind the shoutout...

with that i'll leave you guys with this hot pic from seancody. more pictures on my blog is gonna be my new thing 'cuz god knows we need more eye candy in our lives. i think that's a really hot position for two guys to be in and they are both extremely attractive!


Saturday, March 9, 2013

Monday, March 4, 2013

i saw this commercial on tv the other day for the amazon kindle and was just kind of absentmindedly watching it (ok to be honest only really paying attention because i thought the guy in it was hot), so i did a double take when i heard the end and was pretty surprised by it. but i thought it was very funny and natural and it's cool that amazon would make a commercial like that. i'm sure there's some anti-homo group campaigning against amazon now...i suppose they could add book burning to their to-do list too.

check out the ad below, and also a gratuitous screen shot of the hunky actor in it.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

first, check out this video. it's a harlem shake video of the nebraska gymnastics team. it's hot.

second, i did meet up with scruff guy and tell him i didn't want to date anymore. we went to happy hour/dinner which went well enough although the news i had to tell him was in the back of my mind. i kept trying to find a good time to break it but obviously couldn't find one. towards the end he kept bringing up what we should do after and i was like "ummmm....not sure." so when we were taking care of the check i excused myself to the bathroom, came back, and just said it. he took it well. he appreciated my honesty. he actually does still want to be friends. he did ask me what were some of the reasons i didn't think it would work. i didn't want to be that honest with him so i avoided that question but just told him i didn't feel the chemistry was right for what i was looking for, which is true. interestingly, he still invited me over to his place after and to make it brief, we woke up naked together the next morning. not that we're turning this into a friends with benefits thing, i think it was just more like a last hurrah kind of thing.

some of you commented my quest for THE ONE may be a quixotic search. i'm not so naive that i think prince charming will appear suddenly and i'll live happily ever after. (that was phone guy, and he's gone for now) but we did go on 3 dates and that was enough for me to know that there wasn't enough there with this guy to keep pursuing things. as someone put it, nothing was overtly wrong, but there just wasn't enough to build on and honestly i just wouldn't have wanted to settle with this guy. i'm still in my 20s, and i still believe i can keep searching those vast gay seas for the right man. there were specific points in my future man that i would have liked for this guy to have, but overall it really was my gestalt telling me this guy wasn't it. that's the whole point of dating right?

so, it's back to square one again. any suggestions for other online/phone app venues would be appreciated. currently i still frequent grindr, scruff, a4a, and okcupid. tried manhunt, match, and jackd but not interested in those. is there some new thing i'm missing out on? aside from like...actual human interaction somewhere?

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

hey all
a few topics to touch on..i realize my last few posts have been kinda boring/preachy so let me try to excite you guys with stories of my personal life.

the last two weeks i have been dating this guy i met off scruff. i think he may actually been the only successful real life contact i've had from that app. our first date we went out for dinner which went well enough as far as conversation, and we went so far as to migrate to another place for a drink. i was really getting more of a friend vibe from him so i was a little surprised when he went in for the kiss when we were parting ways. well he was a good kisser so we had a few kisses and that was that.

we had a second date a few nights later. we decided to go for a quick dinner then watch 'silver linings playbook'. (side note: bradley cooper is a fucking stud. why were there no gratuitous shirtless scenes of him in that movie?) again, mostly tame throughout the movie, then somewhere about 3/4 in we started holding hands...interesting. we went back to my place after the movie under the pretense of hanging out/having a drink and well...things got busy. just made out for a bit first and the guy was pretty aggressively grinding on me which i thought was pretty hot. in the middle of it though he said he doesn't have sex unless he's dating someone which i said ok that's fine we don't have to have sex. so we continued the pg/pg 13 stuff on the couch for a bit then he suggested moving it to to my bed which i agreed to. interestingly he started peeling off the clothes and given what he said earlier, i asked 'are we gonna get naked?' which he said yes to. so..there was that, we had some fun, and......he slept over. there goes the friend thing.

after that night i thought about what i wanted with this guy. he's very nice, we get along well enough, and obviously i like him physically enough to have some naughty fun. but at this point, i'm really looking for THE ONE. i truly want to find the guy who i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. and unfortunately with this guy i don't think he has the things i'm looking for in a future husband. maybe a me in the past would just keep hanging out with this guy for the fun, but to be fair to both of us i thought it best that we just be friends.

that was my mindset going into our third 'date'. we met up for a dinner last week in his neighborhood and i had all intentions of explaining to him what i'm looking for and why i didn't think we should keep dating. unfortunately dinner was so pleasant, and we ended up going back to his place to watch some tv, which led to cuddling, which led to the bedroom, which led to us waking up naked together the next get the picture. easier said than done obviously to break things up.

anyway i'm supposed to meet him tomorrow for happy hour and i have all intentions to really break things off. it's really not fair to him for me to keep this up. i don't even know what he's looking for in a relationship, but my path is set. i hope he still wants to be friends though. i know that's kind of a weird statement since we've already slept together, but i think it can happen.

in other news, is it weird that i find daniel day lewis kinda hot? the characters he plays are creepy but when he's all cleaned up he looks pretty good for an older guy...

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

i'm starting this post in the middle of the night and it's funny because i can hear the neighbor below me snoring. i only hear it occasionally and i don't really hear much from my neighbors' apartments so this guy must be a loud ass snorer. maybe i should drop an anonymous note saying he should get screened for obstructive sleep apnea. also, i wonder if my neighbors ever hear unsavory things coming from my apartment. as much as i want to blast my speaker volume when i'm watching porn, i keep it at medium for that reason, but i'm sure they've heard a few moans travel from my computer to their ears...

ok random tangent but that's where my brain is at in the middle of the night. now on to what i really wanted to discuss. does anyone remember growing up in school seeing one of those posters that said something like "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."? you know, the kind of inspirational posters teachers like to use to decorate their classroom, along with pictures of the solar system and the human body and so forth. well at the time i thought those inspirational posters were pretty lame, but now i see how true they were.

i came off a tough month of service in january. very busy, long hours, lots of patients and work to do. as much as i wanted to die and crawl into a hole some days, i still managed to have a decent month because the other residents and i just laughed a lot, shrugged our shoulders, rolled our eyes maybe, and got through the work. and that's where that mantra kept running through my head, it's not about what happens to you, but how you react to it. when you get that 5th consult in an hour you can scream, you can be furious, you can rage at the idiots who are asking a consult for the dumbest thing, or you can smile and go see the patient. i would say the majority of doctors are not very thrilled to get a new consult, but i've been trying to transform my attitude to look at it as an opportunity to help the patient, add something their care, and maybe find a learning opportunity, even if you are seeing them for a dumb reason.

in one of my favorite blogs, the author writes a post or maybe it was just a comment, i can't recall, about how people seem to be more focused on negativity as opposed to reaching for a place of compassion and kindness. i don't know if it's human nature or what, but in this era you just kinda expect people to react poorly to something. think about what would happen if you spilled your drink on someone. how refreshing would it be if you could count that the poor recipient would just as likely burst out laughing at the mistake as they would be fuming that you just ruined their outfit or whatever. but really, when something bad happens, what can you do other than laugh and roll with the punches? i personally feel so much better about myself when i try to be positive rather than sulk and wallow (although i will sulk from time to time).

i saw a young woman in her late 20s last month in the ED. she had a known history of a very aggressive cancer and i knew the top things on her mind when i saw her would be whether 1. was this her cancer 2. was this her cancer and 3. was this her cancer? so i came in to see her and had barely introduced myself to her and her husband when i knocked over her urine sample that was sitting on the counter.  i had just ruined any semblance of professionalism i had and was pretty embarrassed, but this young lady just burst out laughing like she hadn't laughed in years. and then there we all were just laughing our heads off as i crawled down to fetch her luckily intact urine bottle off the floor.

unfortunately, she ended up having new metastases to the brain. i suspect she'll be dead in a year from her cancer, but i hope she'll remember that the day she was told she had cancer in her brain, she also got to laugh at a doctor spilling her piss all over the floor.

like a lot of life, we do our best to react to the situation and make the most of it. i personally think it feels so much better to react to things in as positive a way as possible. negativity just saps all your energy away, and heck if i barely have enough of that.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


i have a post i started last night but i felt so strongly about a subject i saw today that i'm putting it on the back burner, although it will tie in well with today's post.

today, i watched a news story about new jersey governor chris christie, a self-admitted overweight gentleman who was even recently on david letterman to poke fun at his own weight and brought out a donut to eat as a gag. christie is also an aspiring 2016 presidential candidate. there was a piece on him on CNN and they asked the opinion of a former white house doctor on his health, to which this doctor responded she was afraid he would die in office because of his obesity.

governor christie responded today to her remarks with a few choice words, some of which included that she "should shut up" and she was "completely irresponsible".

i heard the first part of the news story as i was cleaning up my apartment and i knew by the build up the doctor would make some remark about how bad his weight is for his health. any physician would say the same thing, white house doc or not.

i was disappointed then by governor christie's response.

i was expecting him to have a positive response to these doctor's remarks, perhaps for him to acknowledge his longstanding problem with obesity and his plan to take steps to improve his health today. there was none of that. instead, there was uncalled for vitriol directed against this very reasonable professional, who really was showing genuine concern for christie.

i was disappointed that christie threw away this opportunity to address the huge problem this country has with obesity and set a positive example for millions of america struggling with the same weight problem, as might be expected of a future presidential candidate.

i was disappointed by his negativity and his stunning denial about the real issue, his obesity. he says in his response that dr. mariano has never examined him to render a professional opinion, but governor christie should know that the physical exam starts with simple observation. if a patient of his size walks in the room, any doctor begins thinking about all the health problems that are in store for a morbidly obese gentleman such as himself. even any medical student can rattle off at least 10 conditions associated with obesity. let's try:

1. hypertension
2. hyperlipidemia
3. diabetes mellitus
4. coronary artery disease
5. stroke
6. peripheral vascular disease
7. liver disease
8. obstructive sleep apnea
9. cancer (breast, endometrial, or colon, to name a few)
10. arthritis

this story really resonated with me, i guess because i was hoping for more. i was expecting something uplifting. i wanted so much for governor christie to be a role model for our nation to tackle our obesity epidemic. this may be hard to understand, but it truly makes me sad when i see an obese patient because i can only imagine all the complications that will eventually ruin, or end, their life. and then to see a politician attack my profession, to cast doubt on our intentions in voicing our opinions? i commend dr. mariano for having the candor to speak in a constructive manner about governor christie's health and weight. i wish that he had thought the same.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

i came out to my closest guy friend in residency last night. i've been meaning to tell him for a few months but with our busy work schedules hadn't had the right opportunity of drinks and alone time away from his wife (not that i don't love his wife but i wanted to make this a one on one thing). anyway after we had gone out with a few other friends and come back to his place there was an opportune lull in the conversation to drop the bomb. turns out he had had a strong suspicion 'cuz a few weekends ago i had conveniently ditched the group because i had to meet up with hook up guy instead and my friend had seen the guy's picture on my phone when i was calling him in my drunken stupor. guess i haven't been doing a good job being discreet about my booty calls.

my friend took it fine as i expected he would. it was just weird, in a good way, to finally have it out in the open.  interestingly he and his wife had already speculated i was homo, mostly on the sole reasoning that i haven't been actively slaying bitches throughout residency as they would expect someone like me too if i were a straight-blooded male. i thought that was kind of funny. i guess they (rightly) haven't taken me for someone to be a sexual prude, so they thought it was weird that i've never made mention of any sexual conquests. which i said in response to him, is there no room in this world any more for decency and a hookup free life? i guess not...they had also apparently "tested" me by introducing me to one of their single neighbors, and my lack of interest in this woman also added to their circumstantial evidence, never mind the fact that even if were straight i would have had no interest in this female.

(side note: i've been a fan of "the new normal" and while it plays into a lot of gay stereotypes i think it's still pretty funny. check out this episode regarding "gaydar" and "gay testing".

anyway we had a nice conversation about me being a fan of dick. as has been some guys' experience with coming out to straight people, he was far more curious about my gay life than i thought he would be. a little more than i was comfortable telling him about to be honest, and this is coming from one of the craziest sexual deviants in the medical world. i guess it is just weird for me to talk about gay stuff with another straight male 'cuz i can't imagine why they would have any interest in our sexual practices. but overall we had a pretty good and interesting conversation and maybe each opened up about personal things we shouldn't have haha.

in all i'm glad it finally happened and most important to me it's not gonna change the dynamic i have with him. one of his college roommates was gay and he has been a dutiful friend in the past and played straight wingman at a few gay bars, but i am politely declining any offers for him to do the same for me now haha. i'm sure his wedding ring would make him a popular target too!

Friday, February 1, 2013

what up all
i've been working nights lately which if you've never had to work nights before, feels like your soul is slowly getting sucked out of you. luckily i only have one night left before i return to the land of the living. anyway i found this quiz off someone on facebook as i was trying to kill some time. i know everyone's done about a zillion of these at some point but it's always fun to do them and be analyzed. here's the link and my results below.

Monday, January 14, 2013

before i start, i have to make this side note because i promised this person i would update the blog world on him and i haven't found a good post to do it so i'll just throw it out randomly. some of you may have followed  Bi PNW dude for the short but sweet time he was with the gay/bi/closeted blog world. unfortunately he stopped posting for a variety of reasons, but he and i became friends outside of the blog and still talk pretty regularly. anyway i got his ok to update yall on his life a little in case you were wondering what happened to him. fortunately he didn't die in a tragic accident, but since he stopped blogging he went and found a boyfriend whom he is very happy with. they have actually moved in together and will live happily ever after, so  you can breathe a sigh a relief that he's alright. i told the bastard to just write an update himself but he's making me be his bitch for there you have it.

ok guys, here is the story of my first time having sex with another guy. it's been awhile since i've written anything R or NC-17 rated on here and i'll try my best to make it sexy, although in all actuality it was not really a sexy experience. also, i was drunk at the time so some of the details have started to obscure with time. but this is the best retelling of my first time with my guy.

it was about two months into second year of medical school, the end of september 2008. we had just finished a course block and taken the final exam and of course that meant party time. usually after exams we have a big post-exam party that everyone goes to. for this post-exam it was a party being held at one of the medical fraternities. now medical fraternities are not like frats in undergrad. mostly it's just something people joined so they could get to live in the frat house and get cheap rent. some of the frats were more active than others and hosted events and stuff like that but for the most part it's not anything like crazy undergrad frats.

anyway, one of the frats was throwing this annual party that all years are invited to. it was one of the bigger annual events that my school had, and so it happened to also double as our second year post-exam. me and a few of my friends went to it and did the usual hanging and boozing. it was a good time and we ended up getting invited by some classmates over to one of the other medical frats to hang out. it was turning out to be a pretty fun night and it was nice to mingle with some people from other classes at both the parties. i had a nice buzz going. it was getting late and people were starting to disperse. one of my good friends had already gone home but i wanted to bug him and hang out some more and enjoy my buzz. even though we had been friends for just over a year, i had only gone to his apartment once. i guess he was kind of a private guy about his apartment. but i was drunk and i wanted to hang out with him so i called him up and he said yea just come over. he asked me if i remembered where he lived and i said yes i do even though honestly i didn't exactly remember. i figured i would recognize it when i was on the street. i left the frat and made my way over.

it had been raining earlier that night but by now at 1 or 2 am the rain had stopped. his place was only a few blocks away. i got to the block where his apt was supposed to be but scanning the buildings i realized i didn't remember which one it was. i walked up and down trying to trigger my memory and for whatever reason i was too prideful to call my friend and ask him the address. well clearly i wasn't getting anywhere staring at the buildings.

i was about to give up and just call him up and tell him i was lost when a guy came up and asked if he could borrow my phone. he said he had left it at his friend's place and had lost track of his friends during the night so he wanted to call his phone to see if they were back yet. i said sure go ahead and handed over my phone. i was still drunk and feeling friendly so i started chatting with him after he tried unsuccessfully to call his phone. we were just making small talk about what we had been up to that night. this guy was a little shorter than me, maybe 5'7, slim built. he was dressed trendy and i guessed by the way he talked he was gay. not that i had a type at this point, but he wasn't a guy i would be interested in today. i guess he would be categorized as a trendy feminine twink if he had to be labeled. but we were having a fun talk and it's not like i knew where i was going anyway so i was content to kill time and make a new friend.

he was naming some of the places he had been to with his friends and i didn't recognize most of them so i asked. he said they were gay bars and was surprised i didn't know them. i laughed and told him i wasn't gay so that's why i didn't know them. he looked at me kind of surprised--i guess i triggered his gaydar? we made more small talk about the bars and i told him i was always curious what it would be like to go to a gay bar. he asked me if i had ever been with a guy and i told him no. again he looked at me quizzically and i thought it was funny that he kept giving me these looks. so i told him that even though i wasn't gay, i always wanted to try messing around with a guy but the opportunity had never presented itself.

once i said that the guy looked at me with a little mischievous smile, grabbed my hand, and said "follow me". i was nervous about where he was taking me but i was still buzzed so i went along with him. we walked down a few streets until he found a dark side alley. he pulled me into it. my heart was racing. i could barely start forming the words to ask him what he was doing when he pulled down my jeans in one swift motion and exposed my cock to the cold night air. i couldn't process what was going on. here was this guy i had known for all of 15 minutes and now he was kneeling hungrily in front of my crotch. he looked up at me once, then placed his mouth on my cock. his warm mouth on my dick felt great and i quickly stiffened in his mouth. but as good as it felt, i was very cognizant that we were rather exposed in this alleyway. i kept looking nervously down towards the main street expecting at any point for someone to stumble upon us. at the same time i was thrilled that i was getting a blow job for the very first time by a guy and the excitement was coursing through me. i had always wondered whether a blow job from a guy would be better than from a girl, and while i'd like to say this guy was working wonders and it was the best bj of my life, it honestly wasn't anything to write home about.

he continued sucking me off for a few minutes before coming off my dick. he stood up and tried to kiss me but i ninja dodged him and told him we shouldn't be messing around in public. he asked if we could go back to my apt but i told him i had a roommate. he said he might know a place where we could keep playing so i zipped up and we got out of the alley back into the main street. i was following him but my mind was still numb that this was actually happening. we ended up walking for awhile and we were heading to a rougher part of town that i didn't really know. we came to some building and the guy knocked on it. "a friend's place" he said to me. well no one answered. i asked him what were gonna do now and he said we could try going to his original friend's place. it was back towards where i lived and i was glad to get out of this shady neighborhood. plus by this time the rain had started up again and there was a slight drizzle coming down.

we came up on another dark alley on our way back and this guy dragged me into it. once we were safely in the shadows he pulled my pants down again and resumed sucking my dick. by then though my buzz had started to wear off and i was even more nervous that i was getting blown in some random alley in a part of town i didn't know well. i tried to concentrate on the good feeling but just couldn't stay hard. he picked up on this and got off his knees. he tried to kiss me again but i dodged him and he settled for my neck. he asked me if i wanted to suck his dick. i don't remember what i said. i really didn't want to but i felt like i owed this guy something. he gave me an encouraging look and pushed down on my shoulders, urging me to take the same position he had just been in.

i couldn't believe i was doing this. he unzipped his pants and started pulling out his cock. it was semi hard but slowly boning up in front of my eyes. i stared at it and i was breathing hard. this was my first time directly in front of another man's penis. it was pretty average in size and probably a little skinny on girth. was i really going to suck this stranger's dick? how do i even suck dick? i looked up at him and he was giving me a pleading look as if to say just do it. i took a deep breath in and slowly put my mouth on his dick. it was a strange sensation to have his stiff member in my mouth but it wasn't as unpleasant as i thought it would be. i didn't have any particular technique but i just tried my best to give good suction. he was making small moaning noises so i figured i was doing a good job. i just tried to put any thoughts out of my mind as i worked on his cock. the rain was starting to really come down again and rain water was mixing in with the taste of his cock.

i'm not sure how long i was sucking his cock, probably not long but it felt like forever. he was starting to moan more and was kind of face fucking me. i wanted to stop blowing him but he kept his hands firmly on my head, forcing me to keep his cock in my mouth. i was frustrated that i was doing this and i wanted to get out of the rain. before long though the guy started moaning even louder and said he was gonna cum. i for sure didn't want to swallow this guy's load but i just couldn't get off him. he was face fucking me harder and soon i felt the salty taste of his cum fill my mouth, diluted by the rain water that was coming down on us. i did my best to just swallow and finish him off. he finished cumming and finally i was able to stand up and the guy pulled up his pants and put his dick away. he had a grin on his face and asked if i wanted to cum too. by now i was feeling sick that i had just swallowed this guy's load and i knew i wouldn't be able to get hard at all, let alone cum in this stupid dark alley. i told him no, i was good, let's just go back.

we walked back in silence. we were getting back to my neighborhood and i was feeling more relaxed. we stopped at a street a few blocks from my place. he said we could go back to his friend's place to hang out, but it was a half-hearted invite and at this point i wanted more than anything to go home so i politely declined. we made some awkward small talk and the guy put his number in my phone and told me to hit him up again sometime. i don't even remember his name anymore..i think it started with an s or something that was towards the end of the alphabet. we parted ways and i finally got back to my apartment. i went to my room and just tried to put together everything that happened.

i had just gotten blown by another guy. i had just had another man's penis in my mouth. i had just swallowed another man's cum. paranoia started setting in and i started wondering what if this guy had an STD? what if he had HIV? fuck what the hell did i just do? i started to feel sick again. i went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. the more i thought about it the sicker i felt. i wanted to get this man's cum out of me. i needed to get this man's cum out of me. i leaned over the toilet and tried to get myself to vomit. i stuck a finger down my throat and gagged but couldn't get myself to throw up. i so desperately wanted to get that load out of me. i kept trying to make myself throw up and finally i succeeded in getting a good reflex out, but i only managed to puke a little anyway. i knew it was too late and i felt defeated and stupid for trying to make myself throw up this guy's cum.

i tried going to bed and push out all the thoughts racing through my mind. as disgusted as i was with myself with what had happened, i was also exhilarated that i had had my first male sexual experience. it wasn't a great one but i had finally let myself experience something that i had been afraid of doing for a long time. i had just opened the flood gates to my desire for men that i had been increasingly trying to repress. i knew i wanted more.

OK that's it. hopefully you found the story interesting. whenever i think back on it, i'm always surprised that my first time with a guy just happened completely randomly, in an alley in the rain no less. i wonder if i would have had the courage to seek out a man on my own if this guy hadn't gotten to me first. i had been thinking more and more about men leading up to this, but i don't know if i would have ever acted on my feelings if i didn't have this push. well, i guess it doesn't matter because it happened and here i am today!

this turned out to be pretty long thanks for reading. if you want to share the story of your "first time" feel free i'd love to hear it.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Fraternity Memoirs

i started reading these stories as recommended by fellow blogger TwoLives and i thought i'd recommend it to yall. it's a story of a former frat guy recounting pledging a frat his freshman year and the beginnings of his sexual attraction and experiences with other men. i initially was just skimming through it to get to the smutty stuff we all love, but i actually started reading them just for the story of this young college-guy coming to terms with his sexuality. obviously we've all been there and while my experiences weren't as young or nearly as hot, it brought me back to that time when being with a man was new, exciting, confusing, scary, and everything in between. yes it's a story of beautiful people having beautiful sex with each other (the author even describes his frat as the kind filled with AF models and jocks) but the underlying theme of having this burgeoning sexuality and not knowing what to do about it is there.

i'm not really sure why i've taken such a liking to the memoirs. on their own, they are well-written. but reading them just seems to evoke all these unresolved feelings in me. i'm not sure what it is. maybe it's a bit of sadness that i missed out on something similar in college. i had my share of fun in college but there was always that pre-med cloud of responsibility around me. i mean i've felt like i've had that cloud around me my whole life. sometimes i feel like i've gotten so wrapped up in being a doctor that i missed all the experiences that everyone else seems to have along the way. even now as i'm going through residency, i'm looking around at my other friends who are now getting married/having kids/otherwise enjoying life and i'm like wait, i want that too! what the fuck am i doing! so i guess in a way reading these makes me pine a bit for lost youth and also my current day-in, day-out life. everyone likes to shit on doctors nowadays but we've sacrificed a lot to get to where we are to take care of you, the patient. and i can't help thinking i've been missing the right train all these years.

besides taking me back to college, it unfolds to be a sweet story of first male love. there's no way you can read about his first time being with a guy and not think back to your own first time. i think it's like a gay rite of passage to always remember your first or few times with another guy. and the electricity of the writing is much better than any standard gay porn you could watch. some of you might read the stories and roll your eyes that this is some wishful-minded guy's fantasy, but life is always stranger than fiction and i could imagine that if these stories aren't 100% true, probably a variant of them has happened in some guy's life.

actually i've always been curious what the real "pledge" and "frat" experience is like (anybody who is/was a frat guy feel free to email me about the real life of it..and sorry if was is a bad term..once a frat guy always a frat guy?) yes i like the gay part about the stories, but i've always found fraternity, brotherly camaraderie, and team sports a fascinating subject.

while i've been popular enough throughout life, i've always held people at a bit of a distance from me. i certainly don't know whether i could ever call a group of non-blood guys brothers, but reading the pledge process, i could see how that happens. to be honest i've been slightly jealous that people could make such strong connections. i want to be in that connection, not the outsider looking in. i've never understood it, but i've yearned for it. i do have friends whom i love but i don't know if i've felt that bond between friends that so many other people seem to have. maybe it's a product of my upbringing (details i won't go into in this post) that i keep everyone emotionally distant. who knows. it's funny because i like to think i am a very emotionally warm person and i am extremely loyal and would really do anything for a good friend. but at the same time i have this disconnect and i don't think i've ever understood true male friendship. a frat might have been good for me.

anyway that's just a sampling of the stuff these stories brought out in me. i could expound more but i feel like i'm subjecting you guys to madman's personal psychotherapy sessions. the stories are actually pretty old, originally written around ~2001. the guy's handle has a 76 in it so i assume he was somewhere around ~24 when he wrote them, having gone to college in the mid/late 1990s, and pegging him at 36 now. at least as far as i've read i would definitely say this guy is more gay than bisexual. i wonder about how he turned out. did he end up suppressing his gay side and marry a woman? did he come to realize that he just wanted to be with men? has he happily been with a man for several years now? whatever ended up happening to the author, i hope he's happy out there, as everyone deserves to be.

read a few of the memoirs and tell me what you think. i hope i'm not the only one who got stirred up by these tales.

(by the way, the memoirs reminded me that i have never shared with you readers my first time with another guy. as a rite of passage, i'll have to make that my next post.)

Thursday, January 3, 2013

happy new year!

just some eye candy for yall. i've been catching white collar on TV and falling more in lust with matt bomer. i've caught a few episodes now of his show and while i don't know if it's very accurate for a crime procedural i am very entertained watching it. bomer is just too ridiculously good looking. all those poor women who will be crushed when they find out "christian grey" will never be tying them up in real life..

as for shower guy, since finding out the first random hottie in my last post was ben cohen i've been crushing on him too. i have that pic as my current desktop wallpaper...tiled. very homo but it makes me happy looking at it!

anyway i had a few days off for christmas but now back at work. i was so tired on new year's eve i barely made it to midnight. i managed to make it to the countdown then by 12.15 i was like out the door of the party to get home and crawl into bed for work the next day. definitely not the high-partying new year's i've had in the past.

in unrelated news, i watched this story on roc center with brian williams about an alleged affair JFK had with a teenage white house intern. i thought it was a very interesting piece and i went online to read the text of the interview. i found the comments from other viewers more interesting. on one hand, people were vilifying this lady for telling her story and smearing the good president's name. people more interested in protecting the dead president's reputation than considering what this woman may have gone through to keep this affair a secret for so long.

i just thought in general it was an interesting commentary on what we as americans value as a culture. rather than tear down JFK for distorting this young woman, it was amazing to see people rip this woman up instead for telling "lies" and just "looking for fame or money". if there's one thing i can relate to her, it's the burden of carrying a secret and damned if she be judged by strangers for telling hers, i'm sure she feels incredibly relieved now.

obviously you can see my thoughts on the subject. i believe her. even if not, it's really just a fascinating piece on power and relationships. read the article and some of the comments and tell me what you think.