Lately it seems like a lot of fellow bloggers have had the nuts to come out..ok not that many but it seems huge when they do. secrets started, CBC has as well (his was actually the first 'closet' blog i ever read so it's crazy to see his journey) , and of course my boy socrkid has been doing his thing for awhile now. Reading about all these experiences has been amazing and I have such tremendous respect for these guys. So obviously this has gotten me thinking about what it would be like to come out myself. I think at this point I'm pretty sure my orientation is towards men..yea I could marry a woman and have kids and do the white-picket fence and live a relatively content life, but I know I'd truly be happiest dedicating myself to another guy. (which is a bummer cuz I would love to have my own kid with a woman I was madly in love with..not to sound narcissistic but I got good genes I need to pass on!)
That being said, nowhere have I heard a "bad" coming out story. Overwhelmingly it seems the response is always positive..sure maybe a little surprise, but always supportive, and never has shit really gone through the roof, even in the most conservative places. And the guy who has come out is always pretty much happier after the fact. On the other hand, all of us damn closeted bloggers live in this miserable world of self-torment and doubt....and for what reason??? What have we got to lose???
I know that if I personally were to come out tomorrow, it probably wouldn't be that big a deal. Part of my concern has always been about some friends back home whom I've grown up with forever and love to death, but still post homophobic shit on fb and all that and maybe wouldn't be cool with it. So they'd have to either join the cultural competency of the 21st century or be out of my life. And as sad as that would be, fuck it, I only need to surround myself with positive energy and I know I would have enough love from true friends and family that I really could give a fuck what a handful of boors think about me (that's what I keep telling myself anyway). We live in the fucking 21st century in the United States of America...a country that has stood for freedom for 200+ years. The days to be afraid of being gay should not exist anymore.
I really feel like I'm at a crossroads right now. Especially starting out a new job, new city, new friends, there's always that feeling for a chance to reinvent yourself. I feel like I could do it...just establish it now and let people take it or leave it. At the same time I am starting out a new job, new city, new friends..do I really want to rock the boat now? I love it here so far, but I'm still feeling things out and unfortunately where I'm at now is a little more conservative than the city where I went to med school.
In medicine we always talk about risk versus benefit...for example the risk of going to surgery or not..the risk of a med versus its treatment benefit. So naturally I think about this the same way, and I've always just rationalized there were way too many risks to come out..too much change and potential harm to my life when I couldn't really see any benefits that would come of it. Now those risks, whether imagined, self-imposed, or real, seem to be way too small and the benefits so much huger.
I think what I just need is a man worth all this upheaval to be standing beside me and supporting me when I'm ready to come out..someone who I'd be proud to say yea, I fuck this guy and we're in love. I'm not much for dramatic declarations..it would be great to just bring a guy to a social function and introduce him as my boyfriend, partner whatever, as natural as that. So...where the heck can I find a guy like that??? haha fuck this is complicated.
It is complicated, but at the end of the day, you gotta do what feels right to you. Having a guy there to support you, and also to be the catalyst for your coming out definitely helps 100%.
ReplyDeleteAs for "bad" coming out stories, it's not always peaches and cream. I lost one of my best friends when I was outed to my former classmates and when my father "thought" I was gay, he didn't eat or sleep for 4 days until he "found out" it was all "just a prank gone wrong" (per my mother's request). Not to say my shit's been bad, but it's not been perfect.
Regardless, you do what you gotta do personally and professionally.
Hey man, thanks for the add. Losing friends in coming out is one of my biggest fears too...it just sucks to think about losing that support over something that really shouldn't matter.
ReplyDeleteBut I think you've got the right attitude, they're probably not worth it if they can't look past your sexuality and realize what great qualities you bring to the table as a friend.
Best of luck in whatever you choose to do!
-Matt
I just read all your posts. I'm going out on a limb saying this, but I think you have a tendency to go with the flow. A lot of times that's the smartest and best approach. But sometimes, especially when the issues become more serious, being too passive can get you into deep shit. Your HIV scare is a good example. You knew you were being stupid at the time but you let it happen anyway.
ReplyDeleteNew city, new job, new everything...it's the ideal time to come out. The alternative is to take the easy path. Then, before you know it, you have to tell all your new friends and co-workers that you mislead them from minute one. You have a clean slate right now. It's a rare opportunity. Use it.
As for all your friends back home - first of all, every day that passes they become less important to you and vice versa. You will keep a handful of great friends from HS but all the others will be FB friends and that's it. Second, some people are ignorant that gays come in all sizes, shapes, colors, intelligences and attitudes. The only way they'll learn the facts is when someone they know comes out. You're a successful guy. Your coming out will show all your ignorant friends that gays are not a stereotype.
Finally, remember what you said a few posts back about our individual insignificance. The older you get, the more you'll realize how true that is. Heed your own advice and don't let your personal hang-ups keep you in the closet. This is your one and only life, live it.
PS Stop checking out Craigslist. You're bottom fishing - and I don't mean fishing for a bottom to fuck. There are plenty of other ways to meet quality guys without dealing with the bullshitters and flakes that dominate CL. If you want an outlet for hookups go with Adam4Adam or Grindr. Forget CL.