Tuesday, August 23, 2011

what's up dudes..
Been awhile since my last post. Sorry about that. I was on a busy service this month and blogging was the last thing on my mind. I'm going onto an easier rotation next month though so I hope to have more free time and all that. I'm settling into this doctor thing pretty nicely. Even though I'm working a lot, I love what I'm doing so I'm not dreading going into work every day. I mean, I'd rather be sleeping in til 1pm and sitting on my ass all day, but it's not bad. I still basically feel like a medical student who gets paid. It's still super weird to see my name on official hospital documentation or call myself Dr. ______, but I'm getting used to it. I was just answering pages and stuff with my first name the first month, but then someone told me I need to start being legit and using my full title so there goes my modesty and my ascent into asshole-dom lol.

Anyway, I'm still seeing the guy I wrote about in my last post. We get together a few times per week as my schedule permits. It's been alright. I'm still not crazy about the sex with him. Also the other night I had to use his phone and it was open to his texts. I got a peek and it looked like he's still been texting other guys and maybe even meeting up with them? I didn't dig too deep as I try not to be a crazy stalker psycho but it was there. I haven't said anything to him and I'm still not even sure how I feel. We never said we'd be exclusive and honestly I've had a few hook-ups this month outside him too, so it'd be hypocritical of me to judge him for messing around. But I'm still not exactly happy about what I found. At least he could suggest a 3some lol.

That's the weird thing about gay relationships, at least the ones I've mucked around in so far. The concept of fidelity is just so vague and it's always fuck first, talk later. So, normal relationship boundaries are all sorts of fucked up from the get go. For once I'd like to just hang out with a guy for a bit before we started boning, really build up that sexual tension you know, and then mutually agree not to fuck around while we're fucking around. I guess the way I've pursued guys so far that kind of situation is not likely to arise. Where are the nice guy-next-door types looking to date? Anyway with this guy I think I might just start tapering things off with him and/or completely cut him loose. I probably need to buckle down and focus more on my job anyway, rather than think about sex 24/7!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

just not that into him

A little update on my personal life...I started seeing this guy on a regular basis. He's a sweet guy and fun to hang out with. We've spent some nights just watching TV and hanging out. The only problem is there's not much of a spark in the bedroom. For whatever reason he just doesn't click with me when we get down to have 'that' kind of fun. Some guys I've been with and I can't wait to get their clothes off. Him, I'm kinda lukewarm. His blowjobs aren't that great (too much teeth) and he's a total top which is not exactly compatible with me. Overall I just don't get that feeling of passion when we get nekkid. Otherwise he's great to lay out on the couch with and spoon with at night. But I'm pretty shallow and good sexual chemistry is pretty important to me, so I dunno if I should just call it quits with him now. If it was the other way around I certainly wouldn't want to keep seeing a guy who wasn't that into me, but then again it's better than nothing right? I guess I'll just play it by ear...

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Pretty much every field of medicine boils down to whether:

1. will this keep the patient alive

2. will this improve their quality of life

3. will this change management or treatment plans

Despite these maxims, you would be surprised how many OCD people there are in medicine who freak out about every little detail. Obviously if you're the patient, you would want a doctor who micro-manages every last thing and knows everything about you, but when you are on the other side as a colleague working in a team setting, all those TYPE A personalities just means there will be a clashing of heads and inevitable conflict. It's often a case of "too many chefs in the kitchen" or worse "blindly follow the leader". It's actually scary how hierarchical the practice of medicine is (at least on the teaching hospital level). There's a very clear chain of command in decision-making, and you try your best not to rock the boat lest you draw unwanted attention to yourself (especially if you're the intern aka the bottom feeder) . I would almost dare to call it nazi-like. It's definitely very military-like.

Anyway, for the most part I know to just go with the flow, but even my easy-going nature can transform into the hidden hyper-competitive aggressive beast lurking beneath. I am just not into being bullied by others. I grew up in a rather anal-retentive family so I kinda turned into the opposite demeanor 'cuz I saw how useless it was to be super anxious and obsessive about details that really don't matter in the long term. Unfortunately a lot of my colleagues have not quite reached that nirvana. It drives me crazy sometimes! Don't get me wrong I am still pretty OCD but I at least have enough faith in my colleagues that they won't make a decision that will kill the patient. (PS it is very hard to kill a patient..you have to really fuck up to do that) Of course the number one maxim in medicine is

TRUST NO ONE. 

It's a strange paradox I work in....