Alright I have the day off so I thought I should finally tend to my neglected blog with some random thoughts.
Update on my love life. I still see the guy I've written about before once or twice a week. Again, there just isn't a sexual spark though and despite his best efforts, when we get together it's mostly just to curl up on the couch and watch TV then go to sleep. I've never had this situation where I like just hanging/cuddling with a guy, but zero interest in doing anything more than that. Maybe it's cuz he's not a good kisser??? (good kissers get 100% their way with me) Anyway he seems to still like hanging out with me even though he's not getting any so I guess we have an acceptable relationship right now. He actually keeps offering to take me to dinner and go on a real date. I have a busy schedule with work so I keep turning him down, but there is an element of my just not wanting to escalate things with him. Maybe to be fair to him I should just cut things off completely and let him chase another guy. I'm not really sure. We had the whole talk about how I didn't want to be in a real relationship with him in September, but here we are still in this limbo of more than fuck buddies but not anything real. It's weird.
On the other hand, I've been getting my jollies from this guy I met on craigslist back in July. We met up once in July for some fun and since then sporadically hooked up every few weeks. (like very rarely) It seems to have been a little more as of late as we've started to gel. The sex works with him so I'm cool with that. He only is able to meet in the daytime though and with my schedule that makes things hard. I finally got some brains about it and just asked him why he only meets in the day, is he married or something. Well he's not married, but he admitted to being in some sort of relationship. (not sure whether it's with another guy or gal)
I wasn't really sure how I felt about that. If he were married I definitely would have cut things off immediately. I know some guys are turned on by the whole 'closeted married' guy thing, but I have so many things I think is wrong with that, that I wouldn't want to be involve whatsoever in that kind of situation. LTR..ehh not so sure. I still think it's fucked up and I'm not trying to be anyone's 'other man', buttttt there are grey zones. My moral compass (which is pretty broken to begin with) doesn't know which way to point for this guy. I should have just never asked..
Bottom line is, I'm not thrilled with this joke of a sex life I have. Still looking for that perfect after-work fuck buddy or just a real, normal boyfriend. My methods for going about either are suspect though and I am tired of cruising grindr and adam4adam. I have been almost tempted to check out one of the gay bars in town, but I definitely don't want to go alone and deal with that awkwardness of looking around for someone to pick up.
Have I gotten closer to being able to admit to the public at large I suck cock? Not really, but I do think I'm moving at glacial speed at getting there. I just can't pinpoint exactly what barrier is greatest for me. There are so many reasons I have to do it, but I just feel like I'm at a standstill. I can be so 'carpe diem' one day and then so 'backwards anti-progress' the next.
I might be a little late commenting on this, but I ran across this guy in the military (marines?) today while I was catching up on blogs. Apparently he was posting some anonymous videos on youtube and then eventually came out for real once DADT got repealed. Anyway I like him for a few reasons..one he just seems like a normal, humble guy. Definitely wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with him. Has a lot of the same thoughts I do about this whole gay thing. Of course I admire him terribly for being able to come out in the military setting. And I think he's young too, like 21 or something. (he seems older..like in the more mature, good way older) I always cringe and sort of hate myself more when I see positive role models like him who can do this when here I am being a little pussycat. Anyway check out a few of his vids if you haven't already. Plus he looks great in a wifebeater. (and it's ok to objectify him cuz he's gay!)
Simple, powerful message.
His coming out to his dad on the phone. Didn't watch the whole thing, but damn to do that live on youtube is crazy.
Aforementioned wifebeater vid..
As for work..no complaints there. I know people say intern year is rough, but I've also heard people say residency is the best time of your career. I think I could say it's going well overall. I've gotten feedback that I'm doing a good job (which is reassuring 'cuz you always feel like you're fucking up at the beginning) and I am training at a good place and I really see myself making good habits that will follow me throughout my career. So although it's barely halfway through, I think the fact that for the most part I like going to work is a good sign.
OK one more thing..somehow it is the 7th of November already. Is it too early to put up Christmas decorations? I LOVE Christmas and love putting up the tree and all that. But I always respect the Thanksgiving buffer and wait til after T-day to do it. But hell I've always been in school the past few years and never get to enjoy the spirit of xmas decorating so I just wanna do it now. I'm all alone in my apartment anyway and I have no one to judge me if I do.....