As a follow-up to my last post, I was out with the friend I mentioned in the last post this weekend. It was after the bars closed and we were on our way home. We were with some other guy and he jokingly mentioned there's the gay bar right there if we wanted to keep partying. Then my friend, whom I've probably hung out the most with since we started working, kinda went off on homos, which really surprised me. He actually said quote "I am the biggest homophobe" or something like that. I was a little drunk myself and don't remember his exact words, but basically he said he can tolerate the existence of fags, but he doesn't want anything to do with them and could never hang out with one ever. Little does he know the coworker he's been going out with all these weeks is as big a fag as you can get.
Anyway I didn't really say anything. The other guy who brought up the gay bar joke in the first place was trying to defend fags (thanks man..not) but wasn't really doing a good job. They were kinda going back and forth so I didn't bother interrupting, but I probably should have got my two cents in. I should have at least asked him the question which I fear the most, "what if you found out one of your good buddies was gay".
Obviously I felt very small as this guy who is one of my best buds now is openly admitting that he wouldn't be friends with me if he knew who I was doing in the bedroom. Ironically enough, later on the way home we're just talking about whatever and he's like, "You know I really like hanging out with you".
.....Yea until you find out I like sucking dick..
I can't decide if this changes my opinion of him. I know we live in this ultra pc world now (especially in the medicine world) and his attitude is not really acceptable, but it would be naive to think we can change whole mindsets. I know his background a little and I know this was just probably the way he was raised. It was just a very weird exchange. We hang out enough that it will probably come up again, so I'll have to speak up more the next time and flesh out his opinion more.
Any thoughts on what I should have said instead? Just come out right there and see what his reaction would be? yea right....
that sucks man. one of my teammates said that freshman year and we were good buddies. he quit the team but still comes back to party and stuff and wants to take me out to downtown to party but i just dont know what he would be like if i told him...it sucks hearing that shit from people your cool with
ReplyDeleteIt always bothers me that people don't defend themselves, even covertly, instead relying on others to fight their wars for them. I understand that it's scary for you to come out, because you feel it might diminish your career path and lose a "friend" -- so think of this, if no one ever came out, there would be no role models to counter the negative impressions that people put on us, and we would remain demonized and have to self-closet ourselves.
ReplyDeleteNext time maybe you ask where this fear/hate is coming from your friend. Perhaps one day you can be the personal example that changes his mind. It takes courage to stand up and take a stand but by remaining quiet, you indirectly encourage your friend's behavior.
I don't think you should have done anything different. We all have to picj the "hill we want to die on". Sometimes the greatest effect can be had through follow-up strategies rather than emotional reactions.
ReplyDeleteI was subjected to a "near miss homophobia" moment by my boss once. I never said anything to him at the time (I was still deeply closeted). But later, when I came out to myself, I decided my boss needed to be taught a lesson that "regular" guys like me can be gay too. So I just came out and told him. It was a bit awkward for him and he didn't say much for the rest of the meeting. But when he retired a year later, he gave me the greatest compliment and I knew he wasn't holding my sexuality against me. All the best!