Wednesday, May 8, 2013

after my first time with another guy, i spent the following morning in a haze of confusion, guilt, and paranoia. at the same time i was filled with the thrill that i had finally acted on emotions that i had been trying to suppress. i was hooked, but i didn't know how to get more.

enter craigslist.

i'm not sure how i knew how to go down this avenue, (had i heard this in passing? was it common sense? had i browsed the m4m section prior to my first time? i really can't remember at this point) regardless, craigslist became my first turn to look for more man on man action. i posted an ad the day after my first time, and boy can you get a lot of attention as an early 20-something year old talking about his first time.

i ended up finding my second hookup off craigslist. the guy ended up being a fair bit older than his pics suggested. he still was fairly attractive and i was too naive and polite to refuse and my second time with a man was significantly better than my first time.

but so went on the fuel to my fast growing addiction to the art of the hookup. while i was (and still am) a typical horny young adult, there was something about finally allowing myself to be with men that flipped a switch for a craving for sex i could not seem to satisfy. i was addicted to hooking up with guys. i quickly shed any naivete about having sex with men. yes there were a few guys who i managed to see at least a couple of times, but for the most part these were one and dones. i became adept at scanning through the craigslist ads for the ones that seemed legit and the ones from flakes. more often i would just play my own game and post my own ad, weeding out the junk to find the next hopeful satisfying hookup.

as i've thought about writing this post the past few weeks, i thought it would be helpful to put a count on how many men i've had some form of intimacy with. one night i ran through my history and i decided to stop when i hit the 100+ mark. yes, i've had sex with at least a 100 different men. some weeks it was probably as much as every other day. all this mind you, while i was in medical school. i'd troll craigslist after class instead of study. there were even the occasional morning hookups i'd take precedence for over class. i'd stay up late looking for a hookup instead of resting up for class. i'd find myself drunk at one of the gay bars after a night out with classmates trolling for a man to take me home. you get the point. i just couldn't get enough.

i knew what i was doing wasn't healthy, but i couldn't help myself. even today i still can't fully explain to myself why i was so drawn to these random hookups. of course, there was just me being horny, and finding another guy to have sex with being easy. there was also the element of the thrill of being with a new man. the promise that maybe this next guy would be the one to put an end to this quest. that maybe i would finally find a real emotional connection after taking a shortcut with the physical one. there was definitely an emotional void and longing for a real connection with another man that i was searching for with these hookups.

as any guy who has been caught up in the hookup culture can tell you, i never really found one that way. yes there have been guys over the years that i met for a hookup that would turn into something a little more meaningful than a cum and go, and perhaps those decent guys who maybe were in the same state of mind as me only added to the hope that what i was searching for was out there. but any idea that anyone could meet a husband that way is insane. (if perhaps you have found your partner in the hookup culture, please feel free to share your story)

while there is a certain degree of shame with the extent my sexual history has gone, i'm at peace with who i was. i'm not going to be blasting out loud how many partners i've had at every dinner party i go to, but it's been an important part of my sexual evolution. fortunately i escaped from that phase without serious harm. i find it kind of amazing i never caught an STD (especially as there were a few bb encounters here and there..) and my hookup travels sometimes took me to some questionable locations. on the flip side, i probably saw more parts of the city i went to med school in than i would have if i hadn't been so deep in this addiction.

not to say i've completely changed into an ambassador for celibacy. i'm especially prone to mischief when out of town in a new city, but so far as i've been in my current home city, i've cooled it. i don't know if my story is an extreme or common for the typical gay man, but i hope maybe i haven't been the only one out there who's been confused and used sex as a coping mechanism for the far more complex issues of coming to terms with being a man-loving, sword-swallowing homo.