Saturday, September 29, 2012

hey all
well the last three weeks have been interesting. from the first phone call he made to me nearly 3 weeks ago til now it's been a slew of emotions and an experience unlike i've ever had before. i read the comments and yes the rational side of me knows to keep guarded and be careful and not let anything silly over the phone take over control of me. 

unfortunately the rational side of me has never talked on the phone with someone for an hour plus nearly every night. 

the rational side of me has never revealed so many of the crazy stories of my past so willingly and freely to another soul.

the rational side of me would never expect to be called randomly by him throughout the day, just so he could hear the sound of my voice. 

the rational side of me has never felt the amazing glow of just seeing his name show up for a call before.

the rational side of me has never felt so deeply wanted before, wanted by a man who is hundreds of miles away from me and has never even seen my face in person yet. how is this possible?

so, from the sounds of that you'd think things were going pretty well. and they are. but not. the way this relationship has just taken hold of me just seems like something out of a movie. people in real life don't fall in love this hard do they? that's what i thought anyway. but i always knew i would know the mr. right for me as soon as i made contact. this guy is perfect for me. there's just the little thing of life standing in the way of us.

first, there's that issue of us having never met face to face. which is actually kind of interesting, because it brings up the question of what attraction is. how much is emotional and how much is physical? i admit i am very shallow and physical attraction is very important to me, but from what i've seen of him, physical won't be a problem. of course, chemistry is always a different beast when you actually meet someone in person but we both feel confident that won't be an issue. wasn't the whole premise of "sleepless in seattle" that they never met each other til the end? maybe i need to rewatch that movie.

second, he doesn't want to commit to a long-distance relationship as long as i'm in residency. maybe things will change if/when we actually meet but he seems pretty firm on this. he has his career all established and he wants me to be similarly secured and focus on my job before we jump into anything. me though, i'm more than ready to hop into some crazy long-distance thing. how the hell can i wait until i finish to be with this guy? anyway, we're both too hypersexual beings to be satisfied with some long-distance thing. we've been rather frank about our sex lives and have talked about the other guys we are having sex with. i'm actually a little turned on when he tells me about the current fuck buddies he has. i've always wondered how guys can be in an "open" relationship but if this were ever the situation to have an "open" thing.

instead, we're in this weird limbo right now. i mean, if either of us were seriously with someone right now, this would definitely be what one would consider an emotional affair. actually i tried going on some dates with a guy off (my first and likely only date off that site once my subscription runs out next month). it was nice, but i just can't see myself being with anyone seriously when i know he is out there.

this is a totally fucked up situation. i'm totally in lust. i'm probably in love. and i couldn't be happier. where the heck am i supposed to go from here? i told him on the phone last night i'd like to pin down a weekend for us to meet. he said we'd talk about it soon. i think that's what i really need. see what the chemistry is like in real life and then go from there. even though i know he's as crazy about me as i am about him, i still have all these nagging irrational fears and insecurities. such as, why hasn't he already tried to plan a weekend for us to be together? i think we've been involved enough to know that he isn't just doing this to string me along but i wish i could get some sort of commitment from him. it would make me feel better to know that he really wants to take this somewhere, even just to see.

i don't know. i'm being stupid i know. but i'd rather throw myself into this than play it safe. i've spent my entire life playing it safe and being emotionally guarded in nearly everything i do. for once i want to leave myself vulnerable and open to the possibility of love and see what happens.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

hey all
sorry for the lack of substantial updates. besides my obsession with the olympics, august was a pretty weird month. it wasn't the hardest month at work but it was still a drag at work for some reason and a lot of interesting things happened in my personal life. i won't go into all the details but i wanted to share possibly the most interesting development.

i've been following with interest the story of a fellow blogger's developing relationship with another man. it's really quite a beautiful thing. i know every relationship has their bumps behind the scenes but it's been a very exciting thing to read about and i'm really happy for them both.

i myself have been resigned to the fact that a real relationship is something i would not experience for a long time. between striking out on the variety of gay phone apps and online sites and my fucked up dead end fuck buddy relationships in real life, i wasn't expecting mr. right to come into my life anytime soon. well i'm scared he may have recently.

i got messaged by him first on grindr. it was the typical grindr chat..superficial, probably overtly sexual, and mostly a bunch of fluff. but he was hot and i'm always horny so i played along. the chat for the night ended without any definitive plans to actually go anywhere so i dumped him into the typical nothing chat.

i didn't hear anything else from him and he dropped off my list of recent chats so i figured that was done. i was surprised then to get a message from him a few days later. we flirted and said stupid things to each other. he sounding like the usual guy who just wants to talk dirty and get pics whatever. i played along, mostly 'cuz his xxx pics were hot! why not.

the dirty talk got heavier though and we seemed to both be getting turned on by it. the messages from him were somewhat sporadic but i found myself becoming increasingly attracted to him and i was logging on just to see if he had sent me something.

there was note one day though that there was now distance between us. we addressed it. turns out we live a plane flight's away from each other. we decided to talk to each other on the phone for real that night though. it was surreal to hear his voice. it was more surreal to feel a connection with him just over the phone.

i hung up on the phone with him after an hour not really sure what had just happened. i wanted to meet this guy. he had me more than intrigued. i could feel myself crushing fast for him, but the rational part of me trying to hold back and tell me all the reasons why this was crazy. i didn't want to believe it. was this really happening? i went to bed that night feeling flushed and excited and hoping for more.

there has been more. enough that i'm spiraling downward (or maybe upward) over heels for this guy. there are so many things about him that scream potential red flags, yet so many things about him that make me want to put up my white flags and surrender wholly and completely to him. all this over text messages and a few phone calls. he just sounds too good to be true. i want to believe this is real. i want to believe this will go somewhere. the distance thing doesn't really matter to me, or to him it sounds like. we both could manage the plane flights if we had to. (well maybe not the time apart..) but we haven't made any real plans to meet each other for real. not yet.

i'm scared about so many things right now. scared he's not really that into me. scared i'm reading too much into this. scared that i'm making myself vulnerable. scared that he's playing me. scared that this is nothing. scared that i'm jumping to conclusions. scared that this is happening.

but truly, i'm just scared that he could really be the one. it's crazy. how could i even be considering that right now? but something inside me just knows it, knows that this is right. i only hope that it's the same on the other end.