Hey all
Merry Christmas! Hope everyone is having a nice holiday. I have been very fortunate in that I got Christmas week off so I came home over the weekend and get to spend a few days at home. Last week was pretty busy though. I had to give grand rounds lecture so I spent most of the week preparing that. I don't think anyone is a fan of public speaking so I just had this horrible feeling of nausea the whole week in anticipation of giving the stupid lecture. Anyway it went well overall and I was just happy to get the dang thing over with. Between staying up late to research and waking up early to round it was one of those crazy weeks that went by quickly.

I've had this blog for just over two years. It's always amazing to reflect on how fast the time flies. I don't know if I've grown so much as a person since I first started this, but I've made some progress. Hopefully as a doctor I've learned a little bit in the past two years. My co-residents and I are always like...did we know anything in med school? Although when I'm an attending I'll probably think the same thing about myself as a resident.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do with my career. You always get asked what you're really gonna do after residency and I've been purposely avoiding the answer. But now my residency is exactly half over and i can't keep putting my head in the sand. I've purposely not mentioned this but my specialty is internal medicine. (three years) I have ideas of what I don't like but that passion that's supposed to grab me just isn't quite there.

I've also been considering staying on to do a chief residency year but again I'm not sure about it. There would be a lot of advantages to doing it and as my friend says you can only be chief once but I'm not terribly excited to spend another year with my salary in the dumps. Surprisingly I've become interested in hem/onc (blood disorders and cancer) over the last few months but I have no aptitude for research so I know that probably wouldn't be the best field to go into although I like the clinical aspects of it.

The point of all that rambling is to say I gotta do some soul-searching. In the meantime, enjoy the holidays everyone and start working on those new years resolutions. Some of my role models below. :)

hi friends
i'm back from vacation. it was only a week, really too short (as all vacations are) but a great trip all the same. the two things i wanted to talk about in particular are 1. my naked yoga experience and 2. coming out to my best friend from medical school.

the nude yoga experience was wonderful. i'm really glad i got to do it. as a physician i'm constantly violating people's personal boundaries so i don't find anything particularly exciting about nudity. it is definitely powerful though to participate in a non-sexual activity naked. it is just so liberating to be free of your clothing. our instructor was just very straightforward and told us to get undressed and that was it. then there we were, a small group of naked individuals ready to do some yoga. while there was a little bit of self-consciousness upon first getting naked, once we started practicing i really just kind of forgot i was naked. i had not done yoga prior to this, but i liked doing the yoga itself and honestly doing it nude just seems like the most perfectly natural thing to do. maybe it seems silly to think that having everyone naked would build closeness but i definitely think it adds something positive for everyone to be themselves, naked and simple. if i lived in that city i'd definitely be a regular. i would highly recommend you check out whether something like it is offered near your home. try it once!

i stayed with one of my best friends and i had decided before i came that i would tell him i'm a big homo. the first night i got there we went to a bar for some drinks and i met his girlfriend. we had some drinks, she had to go home, then we moved on to another bar to meet some other friends from medical school who also work in the city. being nicely lubricated by all the drinks by the time we got back to my friend's place, i knew i had better do it then or lose that opportunity for the rest of the trip. so i told him that i knew that he knew i was a big homo and we had a nice deep conversation about it.

rewinding a little bit, i've known my friend has known i'm gay since about 4th year of medical school. basically a guy i hooked up with had also hooked up with an openly gay guy in our class who happened to be in one of our circle of friends. that classmate had told my friend about me, i had found out my friend knew from the guy i was hooking up with, but i was too indignant my friend would know all this but not mention any of this to me so i didn't feel the need to confront him on the issue. very dramatic i know.

anyway, i finally told him officially on this trip and it went as well as it could have. i actually wish i was a little less drunk -- i get this anterograde amnesia pretty easily when i drink not even too heavily now-- but we had at times an intense conversation that would have been nice to remember all the details. we talked about a lot of different aspects of my being gay, like why i've hidden it for so long and still hide it from the public at large, and what i really want as far as a relationship and all that. one thing that i remember telling him was that i am just afraid of being hated by the people i love.

i am afraid of being hated by the people i love.

i am afraid of being hated by the people i love.

i am afraid of being hated by the people i love.

that hit me the hardest saying it out loud and it brought me to tears to say that. i think it's the concept that has most paralyzed me from being open about myself. blah blah i know all that crap about the people who really care about me won't care about who i sleep with at night but it is just so hard to overcome that fear of being judged. although at this point in my life i don't really care about being judged so much as finding the man i want to be with for the rest of my life, it's still a reason i'm not shouting from the mountain tops that i'm a faggot. but i am so happy that i finally told my friend the biggest glass secret in our friendship and i'm encouraged to go further from this point being honest about who i am with the world.

Hey all
Hope everyone had a nice holiday. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday so I was really looking for to it. Unfortunately I had to work Friday so I couldn't go home home for the holiday but I had a nice little dinner with some of the other residents. Now I'm home and I'm on vacation for the week so I'm excited to take a little break from work. I'm going to be visiting a big metro and staying with one of my best friends from med school so it should be a good trip.

My STD symptoms are gone..I decided to just prescribe myself antibiotics rather than get seen again. I'm pretty certain I got some atypical urethritis and there wouldn't be any good test to get a diagnosis so I just went for the doxy. Yea I know, not the most kosher way to do things but doctors do make the worst patients. Anyway it was an interesting ordeal to say the least. I doubt it will do much to change my sexual practices. I still play safe for anal but I just could not bring myself to get blown with a condom on.

Phone guy is out of the picture. Yes I realize the whole thing was really fiction without any true commitment to meet for real. It was a powerful thing though. As much as it sucks it didn't work out for all the insane reasons you guys warned me about, it was nice. At least I have hope that I could find something like that again. It's funny there's that saying about plenty of fish and now with all our stupid phone apps and online sites you'd think it'd be even easier to find a good man but I almost think this over-connected world makes it even harder to really connect meaningfully.

In unrelated news I saw this story on naked yoga the other week and I found the idea intriguing. Yoga would definitely be a good way to meet some positive-minded men and the chance to do it naked, why not? I looked up both naked yoga and gay men's yoga in my city and alas neither is offered. But where I'm going on vacation will potentially have a class so I'm gonna try to get away on my own and try it. I'm a sexual deviant at baseline but aside from that I just find something very liberating about nudity. Trust me I don't have a Sean Cody model body but it's just nice to be naked. And to be able to participate in a group naked in a non-sexual way sounds very refreshing and like a great experience. So I'll let you guys know if I get to attend and if you're in a big metro check it out and see if anything like it is offered and try it out and report back!

i received my test results today. negative for gonorrhea and chlamydia (GC and CT). WTH??? i don't know what to make of these results. i thought for sure i'd have something. to make matters worse i'm still having a little bit of symptoms so i don't think i've been treated completely.

i'm not sure whether to believe the GC/CT tests. the urine sample i gave was a midstream sample when it's supposed to be a first-void sample. i was pretty sure the urine for GC/CT had to be first-void (meaning the urine when you first start peeing) versus midstream (taken when you've peed out a little) but i asked the nurse and she was like, "oh give a midstream sample!" so i did. i don't know how much that affects the test results but when you get results you don't believe you look for any little thing. i did a literature search on first void versus midstream and it shouldn't make that much of a difference but i'm still doubtful. yes being this anal about how a urine sample is collected is why i'm a doctor.

ideally i wish i could have just done a urethral swab and gram stain on myself and just made a definitive diagnosis. i was even thinking last week, how hard would it be to get into the hospital lab and set up my own slide without raising any eyebrows. but then i remembered i would have no idea how to set up a gram stain anymore so that option was out. nerd science talk out of the way, i'm not sure what to do next. my options:

1. be re-seen by a healthcare provider and do whatever they want, then quietly dictate what care i actually want. (by the way we hate patients who do this)
2. treat myself with a cocktail of antibiotics.
3. be seen by the public STD clinic.
4. ignore things for a few days then decide what to do.

4 is very tempting (well they all are), but realistically i'll probably do 3...and maybe still politely suggest they do all the things i want them to do if they don't suggest it themselves. i'm just hoping there's not something more serious or weird going on. i'm actually wondering whether i got the urethritis from rimming/oral interchange but as you might imagine it's hard to find good data on that.

on a side note, i wonder how my care would have been if i didn't mention that i was a doctor. i was seen by a PA and she picked up fast that i knew a little healthcare lingo and we both knew why i was there. after she said she'd run the urine tests that was the last i saw of her though and some nurse came in to give me my butt shot and my discharge papers. i was a little disturbed because 1, the nurse forgot to mention that i had a prescription for the pills i needed to take and 2, the prescription technically wasn't written correctly and i got no instruction otherwise.

the treatment for gonorrhea is ceftriaxone 250mg IM (intramuscular..aka the butt) and azithromycin 1000mg by mouth in one dose. the azithromycin is for added activity against gonorrhea (but is not sufficient treatment alone for gonorrhea) and also for presumed co-treatment of chlamydia. (since they frequently run together) anyway the script for the azithromycin was just written out as a standard z-pak, so if i was a regular person i would have gotten the pills and taken it the wrong way and still potentially be infected. that's just bad healthcare. i'm giving the PA that saw me the benefit of the doubt that she did things that way 'cuz she knew i would know what to do and otherwise would have explained things out to me if i was just some regular slut off the street, but who knows.

the point is, make sure you know what your doc is trying to do to you and always ask questions if you don't know what the hell is going on. yes we hate when patients ask questions but you guys deserve at least a few answers.

anyway i'll keep yall updated...hope this is all not TMI, but better to live vicariously through me than experience it yourself.

well two embarrassing things to talk about today but i'll be an open canvas and share with yall.

1. re: phone guy, he ended up calling me the day after i posted so i felt stupid for writing a post freaking out about it. he had dropped his phone in the toilet and had trouble getting back his data including my number. so i was relieved to know he wasn't dead or critically ill. i should have made it more clear but i did try to contact him in that week so i presumed something was up from his lack of a response. thanks for your comments though..i did like the one comment from an anonymous poster who said, "Welcome to gay dating, where people will be all about you one moment and completely over you the next."

anyway that was a relief to hear from him to know that he was not completely over me and had tossed me aside. we got back to our routine but then had a discussion about where this was going and if we were ever going to meet each other for real. a little bit difficult to rehash exactly how the conversation went, but basically he is still adamant about not wanting to get truly involved while i'm in residency. in fact, he doesn't even want to meet. he says he doesn't want to be a distraction to me while i finish but obviously i think there is a lot more behind that. i know it's difficult to convey to you readers, but we have a definite connection, and i think he is scared to meet me for real and fall in love and be stuck in this long-distance relationship. i know he's a hypersexual guy and that would be hard for him and all the baggage that comes with a long-distance thing. but as i tried to tell him (and some of you have pointed out), how can we know any of this is real without seeing what the chemistry is like in person? but he doesn't even want to give it a shot.

so that left us with what are we doing with each other now? why are we even bothering wasting our time talking if it really won't go anywhere for the foreseeable future? as you can imagine, now we are trying to emotionally separate ourselves. yes i've been setting myself up for this over the past few months. but i was happy to. this (sadly?) was the deepest relationship i've had and if anything at least i know the possibility of the intense emotional connection i want from a man is out there. i don't believe in soul mates but at least i know there is probably another man out there who is right for me. it may still end up being phone guy. i don't believe the story is closed with him, but for the time being it's being laid aside.

2. i very likely contracted an STD. i started having symptoms at the end of last week (painful urination, penile discharge..gross i know) and against every bone in my body i went and got seen at an urgent care over the weekend. i swear if the treatment for gonorrhea was a pill and not a shot in the butt (which i got, and FYI it hurt like a mother for a few hours) i would have just prescribed the damn medication to myself. but i went the more ethical route and got treated officially even though any monkey could diagnose an STD.  the official test results will come back in a few days so i'm at least interested to see what it is. i think it was probably a non-gonococcal urethritis as the discharge wasn't as copious and purulent as is typical for gonorrhea but who knows. and while my symptoms weren't that bad, in general, having discharge from your cock is a horrifying thing.

so comes the point of how i got it. i've actually been dating a guy for the past month and i had last seen him about two days before i started having symptoms. i've talked to him about it, and i have been the only guy he's been with, for several months actually. and i believe him. he told me he actually had had a little dysuria a few weeks ago after one of our dates, got tested, was negative, and didn't tell me about it 'cuz it was negative, which i also believe. that just leaves me wondering how exactly this cycle worked. i certainly believe i'm the more promiscuous one and if anything i gave something to him, which he gave back to me, although ironically i wasn't sleeping around while dating him so i guess my infection predates me ever going out with him.

this was all based off oral btw. if you have ever thought that oral is safer than straight up raw bareback anal sex, you are very wrong. both gonorrhea and chlaymdia can infect the throat, and they may not necessarily cause symptoms, so one can end up being colonized by these bugs and pass it on unknowingly. so every time you suck a dick or have someone take yours, you take that risk of getting an STD. but obviously no one likes getting sucked oral with a condom on -- i can think of maybe one situation in the past where a guy has wanted to use a condom for oral to be safe - it just doesn't happen in the gay (or straight even) culture.

so if you thought oral sex was safe, i hope i've enlightened you. if you already knew that there was risk, but did it anyways, at least let me be a cautionary tale that infections are out there. i obviously have been aware of the risk of STDs even with oral sex, but i have always chosen to ignore that risk, and here i am today. it is also important to note that resistance to gonorrhea is increasing, especially in the 'men who have sex with men' population, meaning it is very plausible down the line that we will not have an effective treatment for gonorrhea. very scary thought. i'm actually a little concerned because i'm going into almost 48 hours post-treatment and i'm still having some symptoms..oh geez i hope i didn't hit the jackpot and get the resistant bug.

will this experience change the way i practice sex in the future? i don't know. i sure like getting and giving oral without a condom. but i also don't like crazy disgusting discharge coming from my dick and shots in my ass.

i do know that i will be celibate for awhile as i think about this infection and about phone guy. kind of a sucky one-two punch this week.

interestingly this all happened when i've tried to be a good boy and date and take things in the right steps. i've hooked up with dozens of guys and done some very, very questionable things in the past, and escaped for the most part without any problems. i certainly have more than deserved something to happen to me, and i guess here it is. i will do the right thing and try to contact any sexual partners in the last 60 days to tell them to get checked and i will be getting checked again for syphilis and HIV in a few months. (i was recently checked but gotta check again after a diagnosis of an STD)

i guess my point of all this is, no one is immune to STDs, not even the doctors who treat them. i'm not thrilled to be sharing this news with the internet and if you want to judge me for having an STD that's fine with me. i think it's funny that society is like "ewww STD!" but is like "sex? great!" you can't really have it both ways. the risk is always there and i think it's important that we all get a reality check that infections happen. but you make your decisions and live with the consequences. just don't be surprised if it happens to you. be educated, be as safe as you can be, and be honest with your partner(s). and don't believe what anyone else tells you about being "clean"!

hi all
well since my last post i thought things were going as well with phone guy as they could for that kind of situation. but for the past week i haven't heard from him at all. i missed his call the last time he called me which was last weekend and he was a little drunk at the time but his voicemail was normal and didn't hint at anything being wrong. and he sent me a message the day after so i know he at least wasn't involved in some accident that night.

now though it's been almost a week and i've had no contact from him. ya ya i know you guys were all skeptical about this situation to begin with, but i don't think he'd cut off all contact like that. i just can't believe he'd be so busy in the last week not to give me a call or send a message when we've been talking or at least in touch nearly every day for the past two months. the scenarios of what has been going on with him have been running through my head, from the more innocuous ones to the more morbid ones.

i don't know how worried i should be about this. unfortunately other than by phone i have no other way to contact him. we never exchanged emails or facebook or any online type thing. i do know where he works and what he does so with some sleuthing i could devise a means to contact him there. although the problem there is i don't know his last name---it never really occurred to me to need to know that about him. when do you ask somebody their last name? that's something i never actively try to find out about another guy but maybe i should start doing that...

i don't know how crazy stalker i should be about this. by phone i think i can only wait for him to contact me but i'm seriously wondering if i should try to find out his work contact info if i don't hear from him in another week or so. if he's lost interest in me that's fine but i at least want to know he's safe. there are certain things that have been going on in his personal life that just give me this nagging feeling something sinister has happened.

this whole thing is and has been insane i know. yall are probably shaking your head, but for me--and i think him also--this has been very real and i just don't think he'd leave me hanging like this.

i'm glad i'm not the only one who's noticed.

http://justinverlandersbutt.tumblr.com/

hey all

well the last three weeks have been interesting. from the first phone call he made to me nearly 3 weeks ago til now it's been a slew of emotions and an experience unlike i've ever had before. i read the comments and yes the rational side of me knows to keep guarded and be careful and not let anything silly over the phone take over control of me. 

unfortunately the rational side of me has never talked on the phone with someone for an hour plus nearly every night. 

the rational side of me has never revealed so many of the crazy stories of my past so willingly and freely to another soul.

the rational side of me would never expect to be called randomly by him throughout the day, just so he could hear the sound of my voice. 

the rational side of me has never felt the amazing glow of just seeing his name show up for a call before.

the rational side of me has never felt so deeply wanted before, wanted by a man who is hundreds of miles away from me and has never even seen my face in person yet. how is this possible?

so, from the sounds of that you'd think things were going pretty well. and they are. but not. the way this relationship has just taken hold of me just seems like something out of a movie. people in real life don't fall in love this hard do they? that's what i thought anyway. but i always knew i would know the mr. right for me as soon as i made contact. this guy is perfect for me. there's just the little thing of life standing in the way of us.

first, there's that issue of us having never met face to face. which is actually kind of interesting, because it brings up the question of what attraction is. how much is emotional and how much is physical? i admit i am very shallow and physical attraction is very important to me, but from what i've seen of him, physical won't be a problem. of course, chemistry is always a different beast when you actually meet someone in person but we both feel confident that won't be an issue. wasn't the whole premise of "sleepless in seattle" that they never met each other til the end? maybe i need to rewatch that movie.

second, he doesn't want to commit to a long-distance relationship as long as i'm in residency. maybe things will change if/when we actually meet but he seems pretty firm on this. he has his career all established and he wants me to be similarly secured and focus on my job before we jump into anything. me though, i'm more than ready to hop into some crazy long-distance thing. how the hell can i wait until i finish to be with this guy? anyway, we're both too hypersexual beings to be satisfied with some long-distance thing. we've been rather frank about our sex lives and have talked about the other guys we are having sex with. i'm actually a little turned on when he tells me about the current fuck buddies he has. i've always wondered how guys can be in an "open" relationship but if this were ever the situation to have an "open" thing.

instead, we're in this weird limbo right now. i mean, if either of us were seriously with someone right now, this would definitely be what one would consider an emotional affair. actually i tried going on some dates with a guy off match.com (my first and likely only date off that site once my subscription runs out next month). it was nice, but i just can't see myself being with anyone seriously when i know he is out there.

this is a totally fucked up situation. i'm totally in lust. i'm probably in love. and i couldn't be happier. where the heck am i supposed to go from here? i told him on the phone last night i'd like to pin down a weekend for us to meet. he said we'd talk about it soon. i think that's what i really need. see what the chemistry is like in real life and then go from there. even though i know he's as crazy about me as i am about him, i still have all these nagging irrational fears and insecurities. such as, why hasn't he already tried to plan a weekend for us to be together? i think we've been involved enough to know that he isn't just doing this to string me along but i wish i could get some sort of commitment from him. it would make me feel better to know that he really wants to take this somewhere, even just to see.

i don't know. i'm being stupid i know. but i'd rather throw myself into this than play it safe. i've spent my entire life playing it safe and being emotionally guarded in nearly everything i do. for once i want to leave myself vulnerable and open to the possibility of love and see what happens.

hey all
sorry for the lack of substantial updates. besides my obsession with the olympics, august was a pretty weird month. it wasn't the hardest month at work but it was still a drag at work for some reason and a lot of interesting things happened in my personal life. i won't go into all the details but i wanted to share possibly the most interesting development.

i've been following with interest the story of a fellow blogger's developing relationship with another man. it's really quite a beautiful thing. i know every relationship has their bumps behind the scenes but it's been a very exciting thing to read about and i'm really happy for them both.

i myself have been resigned to the fact that a real relationship is something i would not experience for a long time. between striking out on the variety of gay phone apps and online sites and my fucked up dead end fuck buddy relationships in real life, i wasn't expecting mr. right to come into my life anytime soon. well i'm scared he may have recently.

i got messaged by him first on grindr. it was the typical grindr chat..superficial, probably overtly sexual, and mostly a bunch of fluff. but he was hot and i'm always horny so i played along. the chat for the night ended without any definitive plans to actually go anywhere so i dumped him into the typical nothing chat.

i didn't hear anything else from him and he dropped off my list of recent chats so i figured that was done. i was surprised then to get a message from him a few days later. we flirted and said stupid things to each other. he sounding like the usual guy who just wants to talk dirty and get pics whatever. i played along, mostly 'cuz his xxx pics were hot! why not.

the dirty talk got heavier though and we seemed to both be getting turned on by it. the messages from him were somewhat sporadic but i found myself becoming increasingly attracted to him and i was logging on just to see if he had sent me something.

there was note one day though that there was now distance between us. we addressed it. turns out we live a plane flight's away from each other. we decided to talk to each other on the phone for real that night though. it was surreal to hear his voice. it was more surreal to feel a connection with him just over the phone.

i hung up on the phone with him after an hour not really sure what had just happened. i wanted to meet this guy. he had me more than intrigued. i could feel myself crushing fast for him, but the rational part of me trying to hold back and tell me all the reasons why this was crazy. i didn't want to believe it. was this really happening? i went to bed that night feeling flushed and excited and hoping for more.

there has been more. enough that i'm spiraling downward (or maybe upward) over heels for this guy. there are so many things about him that scream potential red flags, yet so many things about him that make me want to put up my white flags and surrender wholly and completely to him. all this over text messages and a few phone calls. he just sounds too good to be true. i want to believe this is real. i want to believe this will go somewhere. the distance thing doesn't really matter to me, or to him it sounds like. we both could manage the plane flights if we had to. (well maybe not the time apart..) but we haven't made any real plans to meet each other for real. not yet.

i'm scared about so many things right now. scared he's not really that into me. scared i'm reading too much into this. scared that i'm making myself vulnerable. scared that he's playing me. scared that this is nothing. scared that i'm jumping to conclusions. scared that this is happening.

but truly, i'm just scared that he could really be the one. it's crazy. how could i even be considering that right now? but something inside me just knows it, knows that this is right. i only hope that it's the same on the other end.

The Olympics are over but here is my farewell salute to some of the hot athletes that captivated my attention for the last week of competition.

Trey Hardee and Ashton Eaton

The world's sweetheart, Oscar Pistorius

 

Hamilton Sabot

And of course, a salute to tight fitting uniforms in general!
(Henrik Rummel for you bulge fetishers)

A salute to some of my Olympic favorites...

Gymnastics:

Jake Dalton (age 20)

In action with some other US gymnasts

On the rings. Those arms...fuck.

Swimming:

Nathan Adrian (age 23)

Nick Thoman (age 26)

James Magnussen (age 21)

These last two athletes..clean-shaven or scruffy can't decide what I like better!

And to close, a Bill Simmons article on which is the superior sport, gymnastics or swimming. I know I seem to be favoring swimmers with the above guys, but I would be just as happy with many of those gymnasts.
Read HERE

Olympics Or Gay Porn?

haha..this is the olympics i've probably spent the most time lusting after the athletes. i'm gonna be sad when swimming and gymnastics is over.

fun reads about the debauchery inside the olympic village. i wonder if i could get in there one day as team doctor...and let me add "olympic athlete" on my list of people to do.

http://espn.go.com/olympics/summer/2012/story/_/id/8133052/athletes-spill-details-dirty-secrets-olympic-village-espn-magazine

http://www.mensjournal.com/magazine/print-view/inside-the-olympic-village-20120724

a few tangents today..man i have been updating a lot clearly second year is not working me hard enough.

1. i was checking out some of my old posts and checked up on military guy's youtube channel. (i'm not sure which branch he's in) he's got a few more interesting videos, and more importantly he has some fitness ones where he's shirtless!! thank god he's trying to appeal to old internet trolls like me. i also liked the message of this non-shirtless one. anyway he seems like a really nice guy and i hope he finds a nice boyfriend.

2. i spent the other morning trolling some blogs and tumblrs and i was thinking how interesting it would be if we could get all these gay/closeted bloggers and commenters together in one room. a lot of you seem to be thoughtful, interesting guys and it's like, why can't i meet guys like that in real life. what would it be like if we weren't separated by time and space and you, yes you, the man/woman/robot reading these very words of my blog right now, could be in my living room right next to me? what sort of dialogue would we have?

then i was thinking what if we had some crazy gay/closeted/bi convention and all met up. that would be a trip. then i thought about how awkward that would really be haha. just the few losers like me who would show up thinking it was a good idea, only to be strikingly wrong. what the hell would we even do to identify ourselves? wear name tags with our usernames? yea very fun that would be...

once i went to visit some friends in college and we ended up going out to eat late at a diner. at a table nearby was this group of 10 or so people, some of whom were dressed kind of bizarre and definitely the whole group very heterogeneous to say the least. my friends and i were wondering, who or what the heck could bring these people together. then one of my friends whispers, "they're a WoW group! they're always here!" and the rest of us in hushed tones said, "ohhhh."

if you don't know what WoW, is it's world of warcraft. if you don't know what that is, bless your heart. i guess these people happened to live in the same area and wanted to meet in real life to discuss the game they loved. which, while dorky, i admired. these people, who really truly, had probably nothing in common except playing wow, became friends online and wanted to meet each other in person. and despite probably not looking like people they'd hang out with otherwise, there they were in the diner, with their laptops and wifi playing wow, having a good time, and not giving a shit what anyone else thought. i liked it.

if i could have any mutant power my first choice would be the ability to teleport and the second would be to fly, and both because i want to break down the physical distance that separates me from the ones i want to be with. wouldn't it be interesting if someone's physical location wasn't a factor in your relationship with them? what if it turns out the perfect guy for me lives in sweden? the internet has made the world a smaller place, but so much bigger, too.

by the way i've noticed some of my readers come from some pretty rad far-off countries. i think it's pretty cool to have readers all over the world. maybe they just randomly got here chasing the pictures of the pretty boys i post occasionally but i like to think they are reading my posts too...so a big american hi to all my international readers, in whatever your native language is!

3. number 2 was too long so i'll save my other tangents for later. i will close by sharing this guy i found while trolling tumblr the other day. you can really get lost for hours in those never-ending links to pictures of hot guys...

his name is marco dapper and he's some model/actor guy who is just too good-looking and perfect for his own good. i'll let you troll this extensive LINK to more pictures of him yourself. there is also a YOUTUBE clip of this gay-themed movie he was in where he drops trou. fuck. i don't really know whether to curse the gods for not making me like him or thank them for at least blessing us with physical specimens like him to ogle. unfortunately i found an interview that confirms he is for the ladies only..

a few thoughts i'd like to soapbox on..

the colorado shooting is horrible. i'll be interested to see the investigation into his motives. clearly insane, to say the least. (sorry, i'm not a lawyer, the insane that doesn't get you off crimes scotfree.) i know no politician will touch the issue of gun control, but i wish someone would do something about our gun laws. yall into your guns can just shut it because there is no reason that someone should need or legally be able to buy 4 guns in the span of 3 months (reports say he bought all his guns since may). nor should any private citizen have the need to buy a semi-automatic assault rifle for any reason. why is our country so insane that we are OK with gun laws like that? i am a physician and my duty is to protect and safeguard the sanctity of life. and yet any crumbum can go out and purchase these tools of death and ignorantly destroy lives in a matter of seconds. it's senseless. yes this guy was a psychopath and if he really wanted to mass murder he would have found other ways to do it but i just don't get this country's obsession with guns. some say the media just doesn't report the incidences when guns used in self-defense deter a would-be crime, but i'm sure there are just as many accidental shootings...for example google the news story of the cop who shot and killed his own son because he thought his son was an intruder. if i needed a story to inspire less confidence in the average citizen having ownership of a lethal weapon.

my other thought was on God. capital G God. watching the news reports of survivors and such talking about God, and even a blog post written by a mother who was in the attack (HERE) actually nullified my belief in a god, much less a merciful god. i best describe my religious views as agnostic and i've always had a vague belief in God...maybe...kind of waiting to find my moment with God to make me a true believer to put it in the best terms to those who ask. i admire those with faith and who find strength in their faith especially in tragedies such as this. but for me, even with all the horrific tragedies going on around the world that would make any sane person question a higher power, this particular incident really just stamped any faith in me of any sort of sense or being looking out for our greater good. not that i don't want to believe in a higher power. i would like more than anything to have faith, faith in anything, but at this point in my life it just hasn't happened for me...and certainly i don't see how incidents like this inspire even greater faith in people.

also i wonder why is it ok for God-loving folk to foist their beliefs on others. i have quite a few devoted people who like to post about their faith on facebook (which is where i got linked to that blog post). i don't have a problem with it, but it is interesting that it is socially acceptable for them to post about God and things like that in a rather public forum. whereas for example if i were to post something like this or you know, not in general give props to God that probably wouldn't be looked on fondly. maybe i just need to be friends with more heathens...

a quote from the movie "Blood Diamond" has always stuck with me. "Sometimes I wonder, will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other? Then I look around and I realize...God left this place a long time ago."

so that's a sampling of my thoughts on God and religion. this is not to mention all the religious crap loaded against gays...

anyhoo, enough serious stuff. i signed up for match.com last week after deciding what the hell, and also since another blogger seems to have found a great guy off it. no luck yet but i'll give it a shot. i am determined to find a boyfriend this year!! i was kinda bummed cuz i had signed on about a week before i signed up for real and there were some emails waiting i wasn't privy to yet. you need to be a full member to see emails but i wasn't ready to take the plunge. then when i finally did sign up i guess the emails had expired cuz they were gone! what if one had been from my match soul mate? stupid universe.

hello all..avert your eyes from this post if you are easily shamed. just thought i'd share this pornographic pic from seancody. (no actual privates so i guess it's softcore!?) i think it is incredibly hot. they both have great bodies but that top has a perfect ass and beautifully defined back muscles. i'm a fan of all muscles (who isn't) but i especially find a well-defined back very sexy. anyway, enjoy!

oldie but goodie...always been more of a ryan lochte fan but you can't deny phelps has a great body too. happy friday!

maybe it's just cuz it's the start of second year, but i'm trying to turn my life around. kinda taking the new academic year as a time to refresh things and start some midyear resolutions. one of the more important ones i think is to keep a positive attitude. especially in medicine it's easy to become jaded by sick patients and start getting into a culture of negativity. maybe it was the end of intern year but i could tell all my coworkers were starting to feed into that and get burnt out by the long year we had. i was getting pretty grumpy too. but i don't like negative energy and the way it makes me feel so i'm gonna try to stay positive this year even if my entire service is made up of trainwrecks. you just feel better when you're around other positive people so i'll try to maintain a culture of positivity and happiness with my coworkers.

even outside the workplace the world seems like such a negative place and i hate that. american politics is a mess, you look at internet user comments and people are just complete uncivil asses, half the posts on facebook are people complaining about something, and of course there are all the gay sites with guys and their unnecessarily sassy profiles. just too much bad karma and so i will try more to be a force of good!

in somewhat related news, i went out and saw this guy off okcupid a few times. i was chatting up a guy who we had some mutual attraction and we met up last week. the first few times went pretty well, but i don't think he's my type for a long term relationship. he's said some things that are already kind of red flags for me that i could see becoming problems down the line. besides that i don't think he's quite masculine enough for me. i am by no means a big macho masculine guy but i'd like my guy to have a certain level of masculinity. if anything i think it's just cuz his voice isn't deep enough. (i've talked about my voice fetish HERE)

i will probably try to see him one more time to give things a shot. if not then i'll let him know i'd rather just be friends. one other thing i'm gonna try to do is be real and communicate in my relationships. i'd like to give every relationship some meaningful closure. i think everyone deserves at least that. i was reflecting on that and i think so often we leave things unsaid, avoid facing the hard truths and each other, and just don't talk to each other. i'm realizing that's probably not a mature way to approach things so i'm gonna try to man up and be real. it's like what they say in the opening for the real world show -- "when people stop being polite...and start getting real!"

i've especially realized this in talking with patients. no one wants to talk about cancer or other tough issues, but when you have that conversation, i think patients appreciate docs being frank and open. and i've found it's much easier with practice. so i will try to translate that communication thing to my personal life.

i have some other personal/academic goals that i'm gonna try to get on top of but i'll spare yall sharing those too. i would encourage everyone to refresh yourself and think about what you can do to make yourself a better, happier person and how you can go about doing it today!

..damn i still think that drummer is really cute.

gimme that drummer

i read all the comments you guys leave on my blog, which i'm very thankful for, and i was thinking about the recommendations some of you have left about meeting new guys. i have tried to be more proactive about messaging guys who are even somewhat appealing to me though nothing has come of it as of yet. any good tips on how to open up an online conversation? there's always that boring drivel of "how are you/what's up/how's it going" or variation as such. small talk is already painful in real life, and i think without being able to gauge real chemistry online it's even harder to get something going between messages. maybe i'm just an awkward guy in general.

anyway i'll keep giving the online forum a shot. i'm still debating whether to sign up for match.com. i suppose 20 bucks a month isn't the worst thing i could spend my cash on, but i have a feeling the type of guys i'd be interested in wouldn't shell out the money for it either. my other thought was to try joining one of these gay interest groups. not exactly sure what i'd be up for but it'd be worth a shot. i might try actually hitting up some gay bars maybe during off days or happy hour for a drink but i just have a feeling i'd just feel depressed like a creep sitting there getting a drink by myself.

what i'm really curious to know is how guys in nice stable relationships initially met. that would at least give me some idea of what the hell i need to do to have a man asleep next to me every night. clearly i'm just grasping at straws here.

alright i realize my last few posts have been all whiny and angsty. i will try to avoid such posts in the future and focus on the positives. btw i'm officially done with intern year so that is something i'll need to write about. crazy year but i'm excited even more for second year!

o yea i saw this picture on the dudetube tumblr (http://dudetube.tumblr.com/). i don't have a singlet or jock strap fetish but you gotta admit that's pretty hot. this poor OSU guy though, he probably has no idea he's being paraded as a gay guy's wet dream hahaha.

Sonnet 116.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds 
Admit impediments. Love is not love 
Which alters when it alteration finds, 
Or bends with the remover to remove: 
O no! it is an ever-fixéd mark 
That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 
It is the star to every wand'ring barque, 
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken 
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle’s compass come: 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 
   If this be error and upon me proved, 
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

would i want to be straight? the question has popped into my mind every now and again and was a discussion point in the 'weekend' movie, which has made me think about it more the past few weeks. i think i've come to the conclusion that i wish i could be straight, but in the same way i wish that i could win the lottery, or be an olympic athlete, or drive a ferrari to work. being straight would be a nice luxury in life but i'm fine with being gay.

i know some of you are probably scandalized that i would dare wish to be straight and renounce liking dick, but being straight would make life so much simpler. look at all the angst in this blog about coming to grips with being gay. look at all the other blogs about men dealing with the same thing. isn't it weird that we are so mixed up and lost and alone on this journey that we have to turn to the internet to find some bonds and community. i doubt there's quite a straight equivalent to this blog community of closeted/semi-closeted men.

wouldn't it be nice if i could tell my mom truthfully when she asks why i don't have a girlfriend is because i'm just a loser with bad game, not because i'm a loser with bad game who also only really plans to bring home a boyfriend one day. wouldn't it be nice if i could go out with my buds and try to chase after women with them like a normal dude instead of secretly checking out grindr on the side. wouldn't it be nice if i knew that some day i'll be a dad if only i found the right woman to have kids with (having kids being one of my absolute goals in life), and not have to also worry about finding the right male partner and then going through some crazy adoption process eventually. wouldn't it be nice if the last 4 years of my life wasn't preoccupied with coming to terms with being homosexual like it has been?

i think it would be. maybe these wishes are all just the sound of a guy who still hasn't accepted himself as being gay, but honestly i think i have. i will always and forever want to be with a man, have sex with a man, fall asleep next to a man, love and cherish a man, and i'm 100% ok with that. in fact, i can't wait until i find that man. i still think life would have been easier, simpler and just as fulfilling if i were just...straight. people always say "oh i would never take back doing 'x' because then 'y' would have never happened." the reality is, as long as that other path didn't lead to your imminent death, you probably would have been just fine and none the wiser. maybe one day i'll look back on this time of my life and laugh at all the emotional turmoil i had as i'm driving down pacific coast highway with my amazing perfect boyfriend, but right now, i just feel like it (being gay) has been something more like a nuisance. am i completely unforgivable for wanting this? life has enough curveballs as it is, and the sexuality curveball is just one in the lineup i would have preferred to have not had to hit.

another one of my manic sporadic updates...here goes guys.

may was an insane month. i was on the hardest rotation of the year and i could not wait for the month to be over. life basically consisted of work, sleep, work, sleep, work sleep repeat ad infinitum. i've been pretty lucky in that i've had a pretty good intern year; i've loved or at least tolerably enjoyed going to work all year, but for once last month i wanted to crawl in a hole never to return. i think part of it was having to work straight nights. while i've worked overnight intermittently throughout the year, i didn't have to do dedicated nights til last month, and boy you'd be surprised how depressed you get when you don't see the sun. anyway there were a few bright spots last month but for the most part, work sucked.

now that i'm back on a normal service though i'm much happier. i can't believe my intern year is coming to a close. i keep thinking back to one year ago and it's so weird to imagine where i was then. i still have a lot of experience and learning to do, but i definitely wonder what dr. me last year really knew about anything.

as far as personal stuff, not much to say on that front. i signed up for okcupid but haven't had anything come out of that. i am so desperate to date but these online avenues just don't seem to be working out for me. the other option i suppose is to prowl the gay bars but i'm not sure that's a good idea either.

i watched "weekend" today which was recommended on closet med's blog and maybe there is hope for meeting mr. right at a club. i knew i had to watch it after it used the antlers song "i don't want love" in the trailer, but i don't have netflix so i did the dishonorable thing and downloaded the movie off a torrent. i owe it a legit viewing at some point but anyway i'm not sure how i feel about the movie in the end.

i think if you're reading this blog you should probably see it. i didn't find it incredibly ground-breaking or moving, but it explored a lot of thoughts i think any typical gay man has probably had on his own at one time or another. and i guess that's the point is that it is just an honest depiction of two regular gay guys who maybe are falling in love with each other. i wonder if perhaps a straight audience just finds it fascinating to delve into this other world of homo love. i also thought the sex scenes were a little too graphic (not that i minded), but maybe that's another point by the writer/director regarding our views of heterosexual vs. homosexual sex scenes. anyway i'd still recommend it because it's been a few hours since i watched and it's still on my mind for a few different reasons. in reality i probably highly identify with the main character...

watching that movie just brought the concept of relationships back to the forefront of my mind. i am so incredibly ready for a relationship. being in hell last month just reminded me that i need someone, something outside of work to make life worthwhile. one of my english teachers said something about marriage just being about having someone to be a witness to your life, and that line always stuck with me. now i just googled that quote and apparently it's from the movie "shall we dance" starring richard gere and j-lo, so i'll just pretend he came up with it on his own or maybe he had prefaced already that that's where he got it from, but i still think that's a pretty powerful concept.

i also remember reading an article with some actor saying the best thing about his wife is that she is someone he would always want to eat lunch with. practical, but so insightful.

a witness to my life, and someone i could eat every meal with. that's what i want.

perhaps more unsettling is that the movie brought to mind a past guy that i've been trying to forget for awhile. while i think love can be instant and it can also be built brick by brick, i hooked up with this guy several years ago and he was just someone that i instantly clicked with. we had amazing chemistry and got along great and i couldn't get enough of him when we first met. he was completely my type and i was his. things broke down though when he wanted to really make a relationship out of our hookups. i was still pretty new with being with guys and he wanted to make a boyfriend out of me. he was completely out though and pressured me about why i was holding back about being out. here i am in 2012 out to 1 whole person so you can imagine how that went over then. we were just in two very different places as far as the gay spectrum was concerned, and there was no way a relationship would work between us. so we called it quits, then oscillated between on and off for awhile until i shut things off completely my last year. he was too much of a temptation. he still texted me a few times after that, maybe innocently, maybe not, but there was just no way i could see him without wanting to rip his clothes off.

more often than not my mind still drifts to him as maybe 'the guy who got away'. what if i were in a different place sexually and completely out when i met him? even now as i'm making baby steps? could we have made something work? could we have been happy together? i've been with enough guys since then, but it's him i always come back to. is that normal? is it just because i actually felt like i had a connection with him, something i haven't really experienced since? i'm not sure. i do know i would love to feel that way about someone else now, but good lord is it hard.

i watch a lot of porn, and while most of the time i'm focused on you-know-what, sometimes that annoying logical side of my brain interrupts my mindless lust. one thought that seems to cross my mind is the drawbacks of having a big porn star-sized dick. i love just watching a nice dick go into those sexy places as much as the next guy, but i wonder what it must be like to be an owner of a well-sized dick.

i am happily average myself, but still have a tendency for random boners despite not being a middle school boy, which can be somewhat of a problem. we intelligent folk in medicine have come up with the term scrub boner to describe the unwanted erections that always seem to occur when you're in scrubs. if you've never worn scrubs before, it is a very flimsy material for hiding a boner. you might as well be wearing nothing, and i've had my share of awkward situations trying to keep scrub boner under wraps. so i must wonder what those men with sizable dicks do when their scrub boner is too much to hide. not that dress pants are much easier to hide a hard cock in. my point is, i find myself plagued too often with disguising my average-sized boner, but i imagine it must be an even bigger nuisance when you've got a snake crawling halfway up your legs. with all the emphasis on size out there i'm sure those well-endowed guys will take the trouble of the occasional random boner, but i dunno, it's gotta be somewhat of a pain in the ass right? (pun intended..ba-dunk)

those willing to share your random boner stories, please do..we all need a little more wood in our lives....

a lot of updates and random thoughts i wanted to share with yall. i've been on vacation but now back to the grind..

1. i went to coachella, which was an amazing experience (and i wasn't even on drugs). damn were there some hot guys there. it made me feel a little old (and i'm only in my mid 20s) and also wonder why every guy but me seems to have a hot gym bod. just out of curiousity, not even lust, i want to ask these guys with perfect bodies if they are just genetically blessed or if they actually work their butt in the gym to get those perfect abs and chests. motivation for me to hit the gym. (yea right)

 2. i was on a night flight to my next vacation destination and i was doing something pretty ordinary like reading the airplane magazine when i had one of those moments. i glanced out the window and was immediately enraptured by this beautiful panaroma of the night sky filled with a million stars i forgot had existed.

adding to the beauty of the moment was this perfect song that i hadn't really paid much attention to before then. a soaring piece that is really an amazing song on its own. the lyrics fit so many things. it's called "Steve McQueen" by M83.

http://www.myspace.com/m83/music/songs/steve-mcqueen-83670177 
(i know i'm linking to myspace like it's 2003 but the song is blocked on youtube)

anyway, i was alternately filled with hope, awe, longing, and reflection. it was one of those moments in which you feel your life bursting open with possibility and you wish you could share it with the world --- or at least someone you love.

3. the rest of my vacation was muy fun. stayed with one of my med school friends and as he was working a lot, explored the city a bit on my own. since i was alone, i took that opportunity to check out the gay bars in town. i wasn't expecting much, but it turned out well.

i've been wanting to dance with another guy for the longest time and i finally got the chance. not like i'm one of those guys who loves to go out and dance (actually i have to be pretty drunk to be forced out there), but i see dancing as essentially foreplay to sex, and i love sex. so, i've always wanted to try dancing with another guy as i always figured it would be way more interesting than dancing with a chick.

and boy it was. i ended up making awkward chatter with this guy and as it turns out we were both interested in each other but had to play that initial game. we went to dance and i'm sure we were pretty scandalous even for gay club standards. at least any wallflowers there could enjoy voyeuring the very clear cock outlines in our jeans as we grinded up on each other. i'll just leave it at that and yall can use your imagination for the rest.

4. i told the first person i'm gay. (besides the men i've been with) i decided to just break the seal and tell a coworker who i knew would be cool with it. it went well...really a very practical discussion as you could imagine between two doctors. the funniest thing i found about the whole thing was all the congratulations i got for coming out. like i really want congratulations for liking cock. while i understand where it was coming from and appreciated the support, it just reinforced how i just don't feel the need to make my sexuality a big thing. surprisingly i didn't have much of an emotional reaction to finally revealing my "big secret". no catharsis, no sense of relief, no weight off my shoulders. it was nice to do it, but should there have been a little more oomph? you tell me. i think part of that lack is that i came out to myself and have been finding that self-acceptance a while ago...which is the hardest thing initially for us closet cases? now it's just a matter of sharing that with the world. i at least have some momentum now and i plan to tell more close coworkers when i get a chance.

also i just wanted to take this chance to shout out to the writer of my double life. among the blogs i read, he's really been the biggest inspiration to me and having him share his experiences about coming out in college has slowly given me the courage to finally take my own baby steps. thanks for taking us on your ride! you've ended up being a great role model.

5. i found out an old fuck buddy from medical school is now HIV+. he got this from a new guy he was dating, long after i had left town. i've tested negative well beyond the window so i'm not worried, but i was shocked to hear the news. in the same time frame i also found out another friend got pregnant, a girl i thought would never be the type to get knocked up so easily. i guess the moral here is, don't think it won't happen to you. ahhhhhh you'd think in the year 2012 we'd come up with better condoms to avoid business like this!

somehow this man has missed my radar for the past few years.

his name is matt bomer and he's the star of some USA show and recently guest starred on glee. i am by no means a gleek (i actually find the show quite annoying if not vile..) but i do like indie music and got linked to their recent cover of gotye that he performed in. so mr. bomer is one of those dang guys who won the genetic lottery and got smokin looks, a great bod, and apparently a pretty good singing voice too.

thankfully it turns out he is gay in real life and he came out recently and has a nice man and some kids already. i'm sure all the ladies who found out were thinking, 'dammit! all the good ones are gay." and to that, i say amen! just do a google images search of him and enjoy...here i'll even link it for you.

hey all
happy easter! a co-worker was talking about taking his kids for an easter egg hunt and that kinda stuff and i was thinking...gee an easter egg hunt sounds kinda fun! i don't think i've done one since i was like 7 but thinking about it the idea seems pretty entertaining...i'm such a dork.

anyway it's been a pretty stressful/busy week or so at work. started a new service with one of those attendings (aka my boss for you non-medical guys) who expects you to know everything and you gotta be on your A game, had to prepare for this lecture i'm giving this week, and i'm taking step 3 tomorrow. i should be in bed already to get ready for this thing but can't get to sleep. with all that going on i've been crazed and sleepless. o yea and i dropped my phone the other day and cracked the screen pretty badly.

first world problems i know but i'll be happy when this week is over and i can take a breather. in some personal life news, i've been seeing the guy i've been intermittently hooking up with since i moved here more often. (recall this was the guy who was fucking arond with me while he was still in another LTR) while our relationship is still based pretty much around the sex, we at least talk with each other more to make it more on a level slightly above 'fuck buddies'. (not that much higher though.) who knows where this will go. is it ever really a good idea to date a known cheater?

in unrelated news, i found out a urology resident i've had a crush on all year has indeed been happily married. there goes my fantasy of him cornering me in a hospital stairway to blow me.

it's been awhile since i heard this song. it came on shuffle the other day and after hearing it again i've been obsessing over it. perfect lyrics and perfect attitude. that's what i want!

everybody has their type, and while my type happens to be just about anyone with a dick between their legs, the latest guy off seancody really gets my jeans tight. cute facial scruff, perfect amount of body fuzz, hot body, puppy dog looks, and oh yea his dick's not bad either. some guys got all the luck in the genetic lottery. anyway i know looks aren't everything in a relationship but i wouldn't mind waking up to someone like him every day. actually it was a funny coincidence 'cuz after i was lusting at this guy's pics the other day i was out later that night and saw a guy with similar looks..maybe that was god nudging my perfect guy in my direction and i should have said hi?

i was starting to think i was developing a daddy complex. i've been walking around the past few weeks and thinking about some of the attending doctors in ways i probably shouldn't. i mean these are men in their 40s, possibly even 50s, but i've been finding some of them really attractive lately. for older guys, they still look pretty good and if the situation arose to find myself in a porn-style 'boss seduces innocent worker' scenario, i'd probably take full advantage of it. i think there's that whole 'authoritative figure' thing that makes them even sexier.

anyway with those thoughts running through my head i was starting to wonder if i was starting to go through my 'mature' phase. luckily i went out for some drinks yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and after eyeing the hot young guys my age out there all night, i confirmed that i'm really just very horny for man in general with no age discrimination.

what's even the rule for age difference limits? what if i do happen to fall in love with someone who happens to be in his 40s? if the relationship worked would it really be that bad? having a sugar daddy doesn't sound like a bad situation to be in...

having my day off and loving it. weekday days off are the best..nothing like the schadenfreude of knowing people are hard at work while i'm being a bum in bed all day. (though let's not point out the opposite situation when i'm sadly working nights or weekends..)

unfortunately my next few days off will be spent studying anyhow. i'm scheduled to take step 3 in april. in short summary 'cuz i'm sure you don't care, the medical licensing process is made up of 3 exams you take throughout med school and residency. the only really important one is step 1, which is taken after the first two years of med school. (and basically determines your career path, but that's a whole other post) for some crazy reason (mostly financial i'm sure) step 3, which is the last one, is taken in residency, but it's really quite pointless because it's still a multi-specialty test, i.e. there are questions on medicine, surgery, psych, peds, ob, etc.

but the insanity of it all is that by residency, we've all split into one of those specialties and could really care less about issues not involving our field of study. so, now i am forced to recall what immunizations a 4 year old should be getting or what i should do if a pregnant woman at 24 weeks shows up at my doorstep with vaginal bleeding, things i hopefully will never have to deal with for the rest of my career.  so, maybe you can get an idea of the inanity of this test. the joke is you're only supposed to study 2 days for step 3, but i'd prefer not to take the off-chance of failing it, so i'm being a little conservative and starting early.

anyhoo in some personal life news, i've decided to stop hanging out with cuddle guy. i was over at his place the other night and it's just gotten to be too weird a situation for me. and i really should be focused on finding an actual relationship. i haven't officially broken it to him yet, so that will be another hurdle. he's going out of town soon and i'm gonna take care of his dog again, but after that i'll call it quits. i swear if it wasn't for his dog i'd probably be long gone...i love that little guy more than his owner. 

i read a comment on another blog, something about time not doing any favors to straight women or gay men...which was a funny comment, but i think that also kind of freaked me out. i mean i'm still in my 20s but i can just imagine myself being all preoccupied with work and then all of a sudden i'm all old and still sleeping alone at night...

hey all
i finally have my life back after a long two months. i've actually been finding intern year not too bad, but the last two months have definitely been the hardest months i've had so far. anyway i'm on a service this month that shouldn't be too busy and i can get my life in order.

sooo other than work not much to say. valentine's day came and went..i think i was on call that day. interestingly i haven't even been having my pseudo-relationship with cuddle guy. he's been out of town a lot and i've been working a lot so we haven't even had our weekly homebody sessions (in which one of us makes dinner and then we cuddle and watch TV the rest of the night). i have however had to drop by his place to check in on his dog while he's been out of town. yes, i realize we are not a couple but for some reason i'm still doing couples-like shit like watching his dog.

anyway other than that side mess i've still been having occasional hookups with the guy i met way back in july. he finally broke up with the guy he was with, which at least makes me feel less guilty about having sex with him. but obviously that is not high-grade starting relationship material there. in the meantime, i will continue to accept his blowjobs.

i'm debating right now whether to sign up and pay actual money for match.com or something like that for some legit dating prospects. it seems kind of hare-brained but who am i to judge. actually the other day i heard on the radio this commercial for this thing that was basically a singles mixer scheme. but listening to the first few lines of the commercial i was almost hooked! god knows what slovenly losers actually show up to the real things. (although that may be me one day)

since leap day doesn't count, what are yall planning to do tomorrow?

i've always been a big fan of ellen...this just makes me love her more.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/327359/the-ellen-show-ellen-addresses-her-jcpenney-critics

i remember her coming out on tv in the 90s was a pretty big deal. now looking back, the 90s was actually a pretty homo-negative era to have the balls to do that.




...and here we are in 2012 facing the same shit.

have i told you guys about my latest crush? his name is ricky rubio. saw him playing the other day and fell in love with his puppy dog looks. i wasn't that into him when he had his dramarama a few years back but now i'm digging him. judge for yourself.

i woke up this morning (on my day off) to some couple downstairs having a shouting match at each other. i was pretty upset, especially 'cuz usually nothing wakes me up from sleep, but it was kinda interesting to hear their muffled screams go on for about 15 minutes. and then silence for a half hour before they started up again. (what was going on in that half hour?) i'm not one to lose my temper or shout, so it's always kinda interesting for me to see other people do it. not that i haven't wanted to scream at work sometimes...

anyway i read this article the other day and found it to be very romantic. isn't that what we all want? some of the other love stories in this piece were pretty good too.

http://www.out.com/out-exclusives/2012/01/11/neil-patrick-harris-david-burtka-love-couple-stars-children

i am pretty much a hopeless romantic at heart so it's always nice to read stuff like that. the first blog i ever read dealing with being gay and closeted and all that was "A Gay Athlete's Life" and it's been amazing to see him go from a closeted athlete now to coming out in public with his boyfriend. that's what i feel like i need..a man behind me to support me in this whole thing.