a lot of updates and random thoughts i wanted to share with yall. i've been on vacation but now back to the grind..

1. i went to coachella, which was an amazing experience (and i wasn't even on drugs). damn were there some hot guys there. it made me feel a little old (and i'm only in my mid 20s) and also wonder why every guy but me seems to have a hot gym bod. just out of curiousity, not even lust, i want to ask these guys with perfect bodies if they are just genetically blessed or if they actually work their butt in the gym to get those perfect abs and chests. motivation for me to hit the gym. (yea right)

 2. i was on a night flight to my next vacation destination and i was doing something pretty ordinary like reading the airplane magazine when i had one of those moments. i glanced out the window and was immediately enraptured by this beautiful panaroma of the night sky filled with a million stars i forgot had existed.

adding to the beauty of the moment was this perfect song that i hadn't really paid much attention to before then. a soaring piece that is really an amazing song on its own. the lyrics fit so many things. it's called "Steve McQueen" by M83.

http://www.myspace.com/m83/music/songs/steve-mcqueen-83670177 
(i know i'm linking to myspace like it's 2003 but the song is blocked on youtube)

anyway, i was alternately filled with hope, awe, longing, and reflection. it was one of those moments in which you feel your life bursting open with possibility and you wish you could share it with the world --- or at least someone you love.

3. the rest of my vacation was muy fun. stayed with one of my med school friends and as he was working a lot, explored the city a bit on my own. since i was alone, i took that opportunity to check out the gay bars in town. i wasn't expecting much, but it turned out well.

i've been wanting to dance with another guy for the longest time and i finally got the chance. not like i'm one of those guys who loves to go out and dance (actually i have to be pretty drunk to be forced out there), but i see dancing as essentially foreplay to sex, and i love sex. so, i've always wanted to try dancing with another guy as i always figured it would be way more interesting than dancing with a chick.

and boy it was. i ended up making awkward chatter with this guy and as it turns out we were both interested in each other but had to play that initial game. we went to dance and i'm sure we were pretty scandalous even for gay club standards. at least any wallflowers there could enjoy voyeuring the very clear cock outlines in our jeans as we grinded up on each other. i'll just leave it at that and yall can use your imagination for the rest.

4. i told the first person i'm gay. (besides the men i've been with) i decided to just break the seal and tell a coworker who i knew would be cool with it. it went well...really a very practical discussion as you could imagine between two doctors. the funniest thing i found about the whole thing was all the congratulations i got for coming out. like i really want congratulations for liking cock. while i understand where it was coming from and appreciated the support, it just reinforced how i just don't feel the need to make my sexuality a big thing. surprisingly i didn't have much of an emotional reaction to finally revealing my "big secret". no catharsis, no sense of relief, no weight off my shoulders. it was nice to do it, but should there have been a little more oomph? you tell me. i think part of that lack is that i came out to myself and have been finding that self-acceptance a while ago...which is the hardest thing initially for us closet cases? now it's just a matter of sharing that with the world. i at least have some momentum now and i plan to tell more close coworkers when i get a chance.

also i just wanted to take this chance to shout out to the writer of my double life. among the blogs i read, he's really been the biggest inspiration to me and having him share his experiences about coming out in college has slowly given me the courage to finally take my own baby steps. thanks for taking us on your ride! you've ended up being a great role model.

5. i found out an old fuck buddy from medical school is now HIV+. he got this from a new guy he was dating, long after i had left town. i've tested negative well beyond the window so i'm not worried, but i was shocked to hear the news. in the same time frame i also found out another friend got pregnant, a girl i thought would never be the type to get knocked up so easily. i guess the moral here is, don't think it won't happen to you. ahhhhhh you'd think in the year 2012 we'd come up with better condoms to avoid business like this!