hey all
sorry for the lack of substantial updates. besides my obsession with the olympics, august was a pretty weird month. it wasn't the hardest month at work but it was still a drag at work for some reason and a lot of interesting things happened in my personal life. i won't go into all the details but i wanted to share possibly the most interesting development.

i've been following with interest the story of a fellow blogger's developing relationship with another man. it's really quite a beautiful thing. i know every relationship has their bumps behind the scenes but it's been a very exciting thing to read about and i'm really happy for them both.

i myself have been resigned to the fact that a real relationship is something i would not experience for a long time. between striking out on the variety of gay phone apps and online sites and my fucked up dead end fuck buddy relationships in real life, i wasn't expecting mr. right to come into my life anytime soon. well i'm scared he may have recently.

i got messaged by him first on grindr. it was the typical grindr chat..superficial, probably overtly sexual, and mostly a bunch of fluff. but he was hot and i'm always horny so i played along. the chat for the night ended without any definitive plans to actually go anywhere so i dumped him into the typical nothing chat.

i didn't hear anything else from him and he dropped off my list of recent chats so i figured that was done. i was surprised then to get a message from him a few days later. we flirted and said stupid things to each other. he sounding like the usual guy who just wants to talk dirty and get pics whatever. i played along, mostly 'cuz his xxx pics were hot! why not.

the dirty talk got heavier though and we seemed to both be getting turned on by it. the messages from him were somewhat sporadic but i found myself becoming increasingly attracted to him and i was logging on just to see if he had sent me something.

there was note one day though that there was now distance between us. we addressed it. turns out we live a plane flight's away from each other. we decided to talk to each other on the phone for real that night though. it was surreal to hear his voice. it was more surreal to feel a connection with him just over the phone.

i hung up on the phone with him after an hour not really sure what had just happened. i wanted to meet this guy. he had me more than intrigued. i could feel myself crushing fast for him, but the rational part of me trying to hold back and tell me all the reasons why this was crazy. i didn't want to believe it. was this really happening? i went to bed that night feeling flushed and excited and hoping for more.

there has been more. enough that i'm spiraling downward (or maybe upward) over heels for this guy. there are so many things about him that scream potential red flags, yet so many things about him that make me want to put up my white flags and surrender wholly and completely to him. all this over text messages and a few phone calls. he just sounds too good to be true. i want to believe this is real. i want to believe this will go somewhere. the distance thing doesn't really matter to me, or to him it sounds like. we both could manage the plane flights if we had to. (well maybe not the time apart..) but we haven't made any real plans to meet each other for real. not yet.

i'm scared about so many things right now. scared he's not really that into me. scared i'm reading too much into this. scared that i'm making myself vulnerable. scared that he's playing me. scared that this is nothing. scared that i'm jumping to conclusions. scared that this is happening.

but truly, i'm just scared that he could really be the one. it's crazy. how could i even be considering that right now? but something inside me just knows it, knows that this is right. i only hope that it's the same on the other end.