hey all

well the last three weeks have been interesting. from the first phone call he made to me nearly 3 weeks ago til now it's been a slew of emotions and an experience unlike i've ever had before. i read the comments and yes the rational side of me knows to keep guarded and be careful and not let anything silly over the phone take over control of me. 

unfortunately the rational side of me has never talked on the phone with someone for an hour plus nearly every night. 

the rational side of me has never revealed so many of the crazy stories of my past so willingly and freely to another soul.

the rational side of me would never expect to be called randomly by him throughout the day, just so he could hear the sound of my voice. 

the rational side of me has never felt the amazing glow of just seeing his name show up for a call before.

the rational side of me has never felt so deeply wanted before, wanted by a man who is hundreds of miles away from me and has never even seen my face in person yet. how is this possible?

so, from the sounds of that you'd think things were going pretty well. and they are. but not. the way this relationship has just taken hold of me just seems like something out of a movie. people in real life don't fall in love this hard do they? that's what i thought anyway. but i always knew i would know the mr. right for me as soon as i made contact. this guy is perfect for me. there's just the little thing of life standing in the way of us.

first, there's that issue of us having never met face to face. which is actually kind of interesting, because it brings up the question of what attraction is. how much is emotional and how much is physical? i admit i am very shallow and physical attraction is very important to me, but from what i've seen of him, physical won't be a problem. of course, chemistry is always a different beast when you actually meet someone in person but we both feel confident that won't be an issue. wasn't the whole premise of "sleepless in seattle" that they never met each other til the end? maybe i need to rewatch that movie.

second, he doesn't want to commit to a long-distance relationship as long as i'm in residency. maybe things will change if/when we actually meet but he seems pretty firm on this. he has his career all established and he wants me to be similarly secured and focus on my job before we jump into anything. me though, i'm more than ready to hop into some crazy long-distance thing. how the hell can i wait until i finish to be with this guy? anyway, we're both too hypersexual beings to be satisfied with some long-distance thing. we've been rather frank about our sex lives and have talked about the other guys we are having sex with. i'm actually a little turned on when he tells me about the current fuck buddies he has. i've always wondered how guys can be in an "open" relationship but if this were ever the situation to have an "open" thing.

instead, we're in this weird limbo right now. i mean, if either of us were seriously with someone right now, this would definitely be what one would consider an emotional affair. actually i tried going on some dates with a guy off match.com (my first and likely only date off that site once my subscription runs out next month). it was nice, but i just can't see myself being with anyone seriously when i know he is out there.

this is a totally fucked up situation. i'm totally in lust. i'm probably in love. and i couldn't be happier. where the heck am i supposed to go from here? i told him on the phone last night i'd like to pin down a weekend for us to meet. he said we'd talk about it soon. i think that's what i really need. see what the chemistry is like in real life and then go from there. even though i know he's as crazy about me as i am about him, i still have all these nagging irrational fears and insecurities. such as, why hasn't he already tried to plan a weekend for us to be together? i think we've been involved enough to know that he isn't just doing this to string me along but i wish i could get some sort of commitment from him. it would make me feel better to know that he really wants to take this somewhere, even just to see.

i don't know. i'm being stupid i know. but i'd rather throw myself into this than play it safe. i've spent my entire life playing it safe and being emotionally guarded in nearly everything i do. for once i want to leave myself vulnerable and open to the possibility of love and see what happens.