would i want to be straight? the question has popped into my mind every now and again and was a discussion point in the 'weekend' movie, which has made me think about it more the past few weeks. i think i've come to the conclusion that i wish i could be straight, but in the same way i wish that i could win the lottery, or be an olympic athlete, or drive a ferrari to work. being straight would be a nice luxury in life but i'm fine with being gay.
i know some of you are probably scandalized that i would dare wish to be straight and renounce liking dick, but being straight would make life so much simpler. look at all the angst in this blog about coming to grips with being gay. look at all the other blogs about men dealing with the same thing. isn't it weird that we are so mixed up and lost and alone on this journey that we have to turn to the internet to find some bonds and community. i doubt there's quite a straight equivalent to this blog community of closeted/semi-closeted men.
wouldn't it be nice if i could tell my mom truthfully when she asks why i don't have a girlfriend is because i'm just a loser with bad game, not because i'm a loser with bad game who also only really plans to bring home a boyfriend one day. wouldn't it be nice if i could go out with my buds and try to chase after women with them like a normal dude instead of secretly checking out grindr on the side. wouldn't it be nice if i knew that some day i'll be a dad if only i found the right woman to have kids with (having kids being one of my absolute goals in life), and not have to also worry about finding the right male partner and then going through some crazy adoption process eventually. wouldn't it be nice if the last 4 years of my life wasn't preoccupied with coming to terms with being homosexual like it has been?
i think it would be. maybe these wishes are all just the sound of a guy who still hasn't accepted himself as being gay, but honestly i think i have. i will always and forever want to be with a man, have sex with a man, fall asleep next to a man, love and cherish a man, and i'm 100% ok with that. in fact, i can't wait until i find that man. i still think life would have been easier, simpler and just as fulfilling if i were just...straight. people always say "oh i would never take back doing 'x' because then 'y' would have never happened." the reality is, as long as that other path didn't lead to your imminent death, you probably would have been just fine and none the wiser. maybe one day i'll look back on this time of my life and laugh at all the emotional turmoil i had as i'm driving down pacific coast highway with my amazing perfect boyfriend, but right now, i just feel like it (being gay) has been something more like a nuisance. am i completely unforgivable for wanting this? life has enough curveballs as it is, and the sexuality curveball is just one in the lineup i would have preferred to have not had to hit.
Ah ha !!! Driving down PCH gives away your semi location!! Interesting....... Haha
ReplyDeleteYeah, you're right. It would be easier. If only. :-/ Until then, keep searching. No harm in using the "I'm a resident" card to indicate you're too busy, lol.
ReplyDeleteHaving kids is also one of my ultimate life goals, perhaps even more so than finding that perfect partner actually. You'll find your peace, we all will I'm sure.
I've thought about it too -- and yes it would be easier to be S8 -- but being gay is a part of me. It's not the only part but it encompasses a big portion of how I view the world and subtly influences my talents -- so I would not want to give that up. Just as for you I suspect, being gay represents only a portion that makes up your character/personality/soul -- but take that away, who knows what other qualities would be diminished?
ReplyDeleteThat is one fear that guys have to face when they come out -- they end up being the token gay and people assume that the gayness dominates their every waking moment when the reality is few of us solely depend on a gay lens to look at everything.
couldnt of wrote these thoughts any more perfectly. i feel you man...
ReplyDeleteYeah I agree. I always try to remind myself . . . you have to do the best you can with the cards you've been dealt. Things are really changing in society though, and being gay is becoming easier . . . and I think it's going to keep getting better.
ReplyDeleteOh and Scott: I think the PCH reference says more about his ideal future location than his present one . . .
You're right, it would be easier and more practical to be straight like everyone else. Like it is easier to be normal weighted instead of being fat or skinny, having a nice color instead of being super white, having a normal nose instead of a hook, or having the talent to easily learn a foreign language or whatever.
ReplyDeleteBut at the same time I woudn't be me without the gay part. Some years ago I would never have thought I would say this, but if I had the choice, I don't think I would change it.
Because it's our own 'restrictions' and 'short-comings' that makes us who we are, because it makes us think out of the box and leave the straight (haha) pad. Which makes a person interesting. If everyone was supersmart, straight, hot and cute, we would all be the same and boring as hell.
There's one big thing you mention that makes me a little unsure about that answer, and that's about having kids... it was once the strongest pro for staying in the closet years ago. But... I know at least 3 straight couples in my circle of friends were it won't go the natural way. It's something they never though of course, so is that actually a real thing worth considering?
I really understand what you mean and I agree with what the commentors before me said. I think that the bottom line is that we have to live with what we've got and that the grass always looks greener in our neighbour's yard (even if it's not). So we may have to deal with our homosexuality, but nobody lives a perfect life.
ReplyDeletewow, what you're posting is what I have been going through and am going through. I'm 39 and I just came out to some straight friends and my sister and one aunt (1 of 7) and they were very supportive. I guess I just didn't want to be 40 and alone and not living to my full potential is why I started to come out. What you're feeling is natural as it's what society has taught us. Some new friends whom I met in this hiking group have said, if you want to be loved, you have to want it and be out there, otherwise how would anyone interested in you find you?...that resonated with me and that's why I am slowly coming out and have met some great guys and the sex!...wow. ok, I digress, be happy with who you are, but yes, I do sometime think that being straight would be easier, but then again, maybe I wouldn't be as compassionate and understanding... cheers!
ReplyDeleteHey man, just started following. You've got a great blog and this post definitely hit home with me. You took the words right outta my mouth. I'm sort of getting to the place that you were at when you wrote this. We've gotta make the best out of something that was we didn't choose in life, but hey, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I'm learning that even though there's been lost time, I am where I am supposed to be at this point. Life can be great dude, it's up to us to make it happen.
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