one of my close friends in the residency had his baby recently. really excited for him and his wife and they'll be great parents. but all the baby talk the past few months and especially him finally becoming a dad has kinda been giving me a twinge of sadness. one of the hardest parts about accepting myself as a gay man was accepting that i would never have the perfect nuclear family. i always imagined i'd have that beautiful wife, the home, the kids, and the family dog and when i first started messing around with guys i thought that'd still be in my future after i got over this phase.
well that phase is here to stay and while i'm perfectly happy that i'll end up with a guy someday, there's always that mixture of jealousy, longing, and sadness when i see a happy straight couple being happy and looking like the perfect family with their kids. i was so looking forward to bringing into this world with someone i love my own kids and knowing that will never happen is always a bummer. sure there's always adoption or surrogacy or other things like that, but it just isn't the same as being a normal straight couple having their own kid. i see my friends going through those life milestones and all i can think about is how it will never be that easy with whatever man i end up with.
i don't know. there are enough people in this world that i don't need to bring another one into it with my own genes, but damn i sure want to be a dad and i still want to have that white picket family.
You don't have to give up your dream totally -- but with your true acceptance of yourself, you will have to adapt your wishes to your reality. Life is so much about choices but also timing of things not really within our control. When the opportunities become available, don't hold out for perfection when 90% will do. Chasing that extra 10% to achieve perfection may cause you to miss out.
ReplyDeleteIf passing on your own genes is a priority, you will find a way to do it. At the same time you could really fall for an adopted baby as well, you just don't know until you are fully in the situation. So keep a hopeful outlook and don't close doors prematurely.
I live in Hawaii and I never thought I would see marriage equality in my lifetime but it has just arrived.
I feel you 100% about that. Or make that 200%. For me too it's the hardest part about being gay (actually the only hard part that has last at this point). Yes there are many ways to have a family (we go for adoption) but it'll never be that easy. We'll try to make the best of it though.
ReplyDeletei agree completely man.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. That's perhaps one of the hardest things to accept. :-/
ReplyDeleteAs a divorced gay man with kids, I DO understand your comments. But, you can still be a dad, and probably a good one. Just remember, it's not a short term commitment, but a lifetime. Even after they are grown, they will always be on your mind.
ReplyDeleteMind you, I am not complaining...just saying.
I do think you should do it, though. My kids add a level of responsibility to me that I could not possibly have without them. And, frankly, I am starting to count on them as much as they have counted on me. I