Friday, October 23, 2015

Gus Kenworthy is gay.

Recall my obsession with the Winter Olympics; Gus was just one of the many athletes I crushed on, even more after he became known as the hero to the Sochi stray dogs.

I always fantasized a fun, athletic, good-hearted guy like this could be into guys, too, but figured that was wishful thinking for an athlete in extreme sports.

I was shocked to see the headline today about Kenworthy. Reading his story, I was more struck by how similar it sounded to the way I've felt the last several years:

Worrying about being accepted by friends and colleagues.

Enduring offhand homophobic remarks and internalizing it as personal judgment.

Wanting to be like the rest of the guys but always feeling different.

Living a double life of lies and deceit.

Being weighed down by dishonesty and fear.

Wishing to have a man there as open support.

And finally, the FREEDOM and LIGHTNESS of letting it all go.

My journey has been tough and it's still not complete (I'm still not out to my mom=extended family and thus I try to keep a lot of stuff off social media so something doesn't inadvertently get back to her), but it's somewhat comforting knowing there are even high-profile guys like Kenworthy who have struggled with the same path.

I peeked at some of the comments about his story on ESPN. Not unexpectedly there were the typical homophobic or the "WhO CAreS?" comments. I found the "who cares" comments to be more interesting. While I'm sure heterosexuals with no interest at all in the LGBT community find the stories about the latest homosexual who comes out to be tiresome, they are so critically important to the countless out there struggling with their own truth.

Much in the way one might not notice sexism unless dealing with sexists, or racism unless facing racists, or religion, or whatever the discriminatory flavor of the day is, homophobia is still blatantly/subtly pervasive and we still need guys like Gus to show that it's normal to be gay.

Interestingly, while I prescribe to the notion that we, as gay individuals, are more than our sexuality, it does undeniably make up a huge part of our identity. Ask any gay person if being/still being in the closet has somehow shaped who they are, and you'd find a liar if they said no. Straight people have had the luxury of never having to think twice about their sexuality; for some of us, it's something that bores on our mind relentlessly.

I am so happy that Gus Kenworthy has chosen to come out publicly. I hope that he can take joy in now being able to be his authentic self and continues to welcome the role of being a public role model to so many who may still be scared to take those steps towards being weightless.

"I am gay.

Wow, it feels good to write those words. For most of my life I’ve been afraid to embrace that truth about myself. Recently though, I’ve gotten to the point where the pain of holding onto the lie is greater than the fear of letting go, and I’m proud to finally be letting my guard down.

My sexuality has been something I’ve struggled to come to terms with. I’ve known I was gay since I was a kid but growing up in a town of 2,000 people, a class of 48 kids and then turning pro as an athlete when I was 16, it just wasn’t something I wanted to accept. I pushed my feelings away in the hopes that it was a passing phase but the thought of being found out kept me up at night. I constantly felt anxious, depressed and even suicidal.
Looking back, it’s crazy to see how far I’ve come. For most of my life I’ve dreaded the day that people would find out I was gay. Now, I couldn’t be more excited to tell you all the truth. Whether you've suspected it all along or it's a complete shock, it’s important for me to be open and honest with you all. Y’all have supported me through a lot of my highs and lows and I hope you'll stay by my side as I make this transformation into the genuine me - the me that I’ve always really been.

I am so thankful to @ESPN for giving me this opportunity and to Alyssa Roenigk for telling my story to the world. I think about the pain I put myself through by closeting myself for so long and it breaks my heart. If only I knew then what I know now: that the people who love you, who really care about you, will be by your side no matter what; and, that those who aren’t accepting of you are not the people you want or need in your life anyway.

Part of the reason I had such a difficult time as a kid was that I didn’t know anyone in my position and didn’t have someone to look up to, who’s footsteps I could follow in. I hope to be that person for a younger generation, to model honesty and transparency and to show people that there’s nothing cooler than being yourself and embracing the things that make you unique. Click the link in my bio to read the full story and keep your eyes peeled for the Nov issue on newsstands soon!"

Thursday, September 17, 2015

hey guys!
wow it's been awhile. just been so caught up in life that i've put this little blog on the back burner. i've been thinking a lot about the the events the last few months. when gay marriage was upheld a few months ago i remembered someone posting a quote on facebook from tim cook (apple CEO) when he came out about how individually our bricks add up to something even though alone we don't feel like much. (his full transcript here) and i remember thinking about what i was like and who i was when i first started this blog, and now who i am, and definitely being able to blog about being a closeted/semi-closeted guy really helped me as well as reading about other similar guys all over.

anyway, now that i'm more comfortable with who i am and not ashamed to admit i like guys, i don't want to forget about where i was a zillion years ago when i was living my double life 'cuz i know there are plenty of guys still petrified where i was back then. and hopefully sharing my brick now will help you/them out, so i'll try to get back on this blog world.

today was actually a pretty big day for the news cycle with the republican debate and the clock kid, but i wanted to share a story i saw today about a college athlete coming out. fortunately these are becoming more common but i can still see it being a big challenge for guys in that world. talk to yall soon.

Friday, December 5, 2014

hey guys
i have a lot i could update you guys on but today i want to tell you guys a story about boy meets boy. it doesn't have a happy ending, but it has a silver lining in it so i want to share it anyway.

as i mentioned a few posts ago, i've moved to a new city a few months ago. i have a few classmates from medical school here, but essentially i'm brand new to the city. it was a saturday night and i was just at home not really doing anything. in fact i had just binge watched a few episodes of  'house of cards'. i wasn't really in the mood to go out because i had been doing some day drinking with some neighbors and was pretty wiped from that. but, a part of my brain told me not to waste a perfectly good night at home watching tv, so even though it was late i decided to get dressed and head to a gay bar nearby. my plan was to get a drink to check things out then head back home.

i get there and it was pretty average as far as bars go. a drag queen was hosting some random contests with bar patrons like beer chugging and blowing up condoms. this guy near me made a little joke about the silliness we were watching and we laughed as it went on. i took a second look at him and decided he was pretty good-looking. tall, maybe 6'2, dark features, nice sense of style, definitely cute. he resumed talking with his friend and eventually i went to get another drink at the bar. of course i had the typical internal debate as i waited at the bar. do i try to talk to this guy? was he just being friendly and i was reading too much into his little joke? what the heck do i say? i decided why not, nothing to lose and i went back to where we were standing so i could try to talk to this guy. my anxiety was high as i stood around awkwardly waiting to make a move. and then just as i was about to say something, of course he starts out first and introduces himself. whew, thank god. we start chatting and i tell him how i'm new in town and don't know anyone and we hit it off from there.

we were actually having a good chat when his friends want to go to another bar so he invites me to go along with them. i thought he was just being friendly, me being a friendless gay loser in the city so i go with them. as you might imagine where this is going, after we had a few more drinks together and talk more at the next bar, he ended up kissing me, making it clear i am oblivious to whether someone is just being friendly to me or trying to get into my pants. at this point in the night though, i am very happy to be kissing a handsome, exciting new stranger. i ended up staying over at his place. in fact, i ended up staying at his place the whole weekend and we went out again together the next night. we had a lot of fun; it seemed like our company together just flowed and it was like we had known each other a lot longer than 24 hours.

at this point i'm over the moon that for once in reality, it was possible to meet an attractive, nice, smart, successful guy at a gay bar -- like how people supposedly did it in the olden days before grindr, tinder, etc. it just seemed so serendipitous that i would meet this great guy on a night where i hadn't even planned to go out.

we went on a few more dates through september and things were good. it was puppy love. but then, things popped up for both of us and suddenly it was a few weeks where we hadn't seen each other. he was busy with work, i was busy with work, and our schedules just didn't align. but then i felt like there was the hint that maybe it was more than just two busy professionals trying to date. his texts became more sporadic. any suggestion by me for us to set a real date was met with an enthusiastic "yeah!" without any real follow-up. well, i've played this game before. but i couldn't help myself. i really liked this guy. (and did i mention he looked great in his underwear?)

i knew though i was setting myself up to get hurt if i kept crushing on this dream guy. after a solid 2 weeks with no word from him, i sent a followup text to say hey, we had a good time, but it seems like you're not interested -- basically a message to put the ball in his court once and for all and to give me some closure that i did all i could. of course, i get back a very sweet and charming message back from him saying the fault was his, i'm one of the best guys he's ever met but he's just so busy with work right now and maybe this isn't a good time for him to be dating and blah blah blah. my feeling upon receiving that reply was somewhere between elation, skepticism, and utter disappointment.

i'm not sure i ever really buy anyone's excuse that they're "too busy" anymore. people are never too busy for something. it's a euphemism for "i don't want to make time for this". any former resident can tell you what it's like to have way more on your plate than you think you can handle, and to have a bunch of friends in the same situation. but somehow, we always made time to spend together and stay connected. people make time for what's important to them -- they always do. so i knew this guy's story didn't quite add up if in 6 weeks he couldn't find the time to see me once. but his words were really pretty and i'll keep believing he's just too busy with other things in life.

we still send a message to each other every once in awhile but i know not to put much stock in it. yes, i still feel like a little schoolgirl when i see his name pop up, but i know to keep my expectations low. will i ever actually see him again? who knows.

the point of telling this story though was to focus on that initial honeymoon period when we first met. that inexplicable, joyful feeling of making a real connection with another guy. the feeling that you just got incredibly lucky and life has opened up and given you everything you had ever hoped for. that's how i felt with this new guy. it was amazing while it lasted, and while i'm disappointed it didn't work out, i'm invigorated by the hope that it can happen again, and next time it will last.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

hey guys,
owe you guys a bigger update (it's a work in progress) but wanted to share this article i read. i can't imagine how hard it must be to come out as a young college kid, and an athlete no less. i really enjoyed it. maybe this is a sign it's easier for the younger generation to accept themselves?

on a related note, go royals!

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

where i've update.

1. i graduated residency and now a full-grown doc! crazy how fast the 3 years went. the last few months of residency just flew by and i wanted to pull the e-brake on life in june cuz things were moving just too fast. one of the weird things about doing all this extra school and training is every few years you have to pick up your life and move somewhere new and you realize what a life you've built up in just 3-4 years. definitely gonna miss my friends and the city that i did residency in. and it's crazy that i started this blog when i was still a medical student!

2. i moved to a new city for my new job. it's a city i've always wanted to live in so i'm very excited to start a new life here. not sure if it's gonna be permanent guess we'll see how the test drive goes first. ummm one day i might tell yall where i am but for now i'll keep you guys guessing. i don't know, is it better to imagine an anonymous blogger could be your next door neighbor or is it nicer to have things more grounded in a reality?

3. i told a bunch of people i'm a big homo the last few months. and every time you know what? it was NBD. one instance in particular: st. patrick's day i was out having a few jamesons with some co-residents. two husbands/significant others were there these were guys i had gotten to know well the last few years and were in our circle of guys that we do 'guy things' with. also the guys i most worried about how they'd react because they just seeemed like...guy's guys you know. but fueled by jameson, i made a comment that dropped the news that i like guys and their booze-addled brains took a few moments to process. then it really dawned on them what i had just said, which is always an equal parts entertaining and terrifying moment. but it turned out well. in the process, i found out one of the guys had his own big gay brother back home and his experience with that. something i never knew about his personal life and came as an unexpected surprise that it was closer to him than i thought when all along i was afraid of deep-rooted homophobia in him. in the end, no fucks were given. something that makes me happy and courage to get over myself and be who i am without fear.

4. nothing too new on the guy frontier. i'd like to start seriously dating and see what's out there. after all the confusion and questions i had about who i was, who i wanted to have sex with and who i wanted to fall in love with the last few years, i think i'm figuring it out.

it was my birthday a few weeks ago (i'm a gemini in case you want to know how compatible we are) and i was thinking back to last year on my birthday. M (the guy i was dating at the time) had thrown a party for me at his place, and then later we went to dinner just us two and fell asleep on the couch together after with the national playing. and thinking back on that  it was just nice to have someone to spend the day with who cared about me. i miss that. at this point i'm seeing how you can have everything else going right in life as far as career and comfort etc, but it doesn't mean as much if there's no one there to enjoy it with. and as i get a little older i can see how that's true. i mean it's nice to get facebook birthday posts from that one chick you went to high school with, but at the end of the day you need to have someone in your corner and in your bed for you, and fuck all the superficial bullshit that makes up so much of the day. i'm done being superficial..i'm ready to meet the man who will want to have a deep, meaningful, lifelong relationship with me

5. i'll try to get back on the blogging bandwagon. a lot of the blogs i used to follow have become inactive over the last few months so if there are any new writers out there point me in their direction. anyone know what happened to his blog became private so i hope he's doing all right.

ok that's it for now, til next time!.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

hey guys
i'm still alive! sorry i've been on hiatus for so long. i'll try to get back with a real update soon. hope you have a happy and safe 4th of july holiday. have a good one!

Monday, March 31, 2014

hey guys
it's been a busy march. i've been on an outpatient month and i had some vacation time so just about every weekend i had some plans. this past weekend was the first time i had some time at home to just relax and have some homebody time. anyway it was an interesting month and i've had a lot of good shit to blog about but of course not the time. i'll try to get you guys into my mind over the next few weeks.

i finally finished 'the velvet rage' book a few weeks ago. i know i keep talking about it, but i actually hadn't finished it til earlier this month. it closes with a few 'lessons' some of which i thought were pretty good.

lesson #1 was "don't let your sexual tastes be the filter for allowing people into your life".
and when i read that i thought, damn, isn't that so true of so many of us? i mean when you're on grindr or whatever, even if you say you're looking 'for friends', don't you basically judge whether you'll keep talking to someone on whether you think they're attractive? level of attractiveness is like the #1 filter gay men use when they're looking for friends. but in reality, how many of our normal friends are all 8s or higher on the looks scale? i can tell you my best (straight) friend is not the most handsome guy but he cracks me up and is incredibly smart and witty. so what if he may not turn heads at a bar or have a perfect men's health body? so why is that so many gay men use that as their major criterion for making new friends? i'll be honest, i've filtered guys based on whether i think they're cute, and have i missed out on making some awesome friends? probably. the interesting thing about having this blog is i've gotten to know a few different guys who i bet if we just happened to see each other on the street we wouldn't give a fuck, but because we actually get to know the real man behind the looks first, are actually pretty cool. i guess it comes with the fucked up territory of using these apps and shit that parcel us into little packages of sex appeal.

which segues into lesson #8 "actively practice accepting your body as it is right now".
i know i've been dreaming about having a perfect toned chest and 6-pack abs for as long as i've realized i like sucking dick. i hate my body. i don't fit into that perfect mold of ripped muscle boy that seems to be the gay nirvana of sex appeal. and as much as i keep telling myself i don't need to and probably will never achieve that fitness level, something keeps nagging me that i must work towards it. i've had plenty of guys tell me they love my body the way it is and i keep telling them they are crazy what is wrong with them. but then on the other hand i have been with the guys with the perfect bodies. and while it is a nice thrill to see them take their shirt off, at the end of the day it's still the chemistry between us that matters most, not whether i can see the lines in his abs (although those are nice to look at).

i think the fear in the back of my mind is that i'm gonna miss out on my perfect guy because my body type isn't in that range of "AWESOME" and i don't have my chest and abs ready to flaunt. so i know it's important to accept myself as i am right now, but maybe still work towards that unachievable goal at the same time. it's just so hard when gay media is telling us we need to have perfect bodies. one guy i was with said he didn't have any self-esteem to talk to guys until he lost a lot of weight, which i thought was kind of sad, but admirable. sad that he felt that way, because it's true of how much more judgmental homos are on other guys, but admirable that he achieved his goal and finally gained some self-esteem to approach the guys he was interested in. it's a fucking crazy paradox.

i guess my theme on writing about these things is to challenge you to be more open about the way you look at others. we close ourselves off to a lot of possibilities because of the impossible expectations we set for what we want. not that having standards isn't important, but i think the more we're able to look at each other without filters, the better.

let's just agree colby keller is a stud.