flash forward to january 2014. i'm trying to clean up my list of things to do and here is this random book, the full title of which is The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World. i look it up on amazon and check out the intro which is available to preview. ok, sounds like typical melodramatic gay sexuality stuff until the author writes:
"Very few of us feel the shame, but almost all of us struggle with the private belief that 'if you really knew the whole, unvarnished truth about me, you would know that I am unlovable.'"
yikes. bingo, that's me. time to order this book.
the book arrives last night. i read the first 30 pages and nothing too strongly connects. yes some of it perhaps fits for me the way a pisces' horoscope fits me on any given day. (i'm a gemini) the author starts by writing in broad generalizations about the experience of "growing up gay", which honestly some of the strokes i felt were borderline offensive and i'm less convinced this is going to be a worthwhile read.
tonight though i got to the meat of the book. (fortunately it's an easy read) here i realized the author in his experience treating gay men in various stages of life and coming out is on to something. i haven't finished the book, but many of the stories and points the author makes reflects a lot of what i have read from other bloggers and experienced with the different men in my life.
bottom line is, i think that whatever you identify yourself as, if you are a man and have ever found yourself romantically or sexually interested in another man, you should read this book. something will hit home for you. i haven't read the entire thing to determine whether this will be radically life-changing, but hey why not.
i've included pictures of the first few pages of the chapter that really started to make sense to me. i didn't post the entire chapter but this will give you a taste for what this book is about. apologies if this is some sort of copyright infringement, but i wanted to get this out there for some men who might be too afraid to seek this out on their own. tell me what you think.
I feel there are many complex dynamics and perceptions that society signals to us, that makes us feel like outsiders. It becomes more acute as we awaken to our sexual feelings in our developing teen years and many of us self-isolate. This is opposite of what people around us tell us -- which is to try to fit in.
ReplyDeleteAt least for me, that struggle with being unlovable ended when I eventually came to accept that I am gay, and that's how things should be. If you attempt to please others or live based on other's expectations, it will be more difficult to get past this phase.
But why let others have control over you? Once you decide you are your own person, and that means, accepting you are gay without shame, then you will find it easier to be happy because the happiness comes from within you, instead of you reacting to external forces.
You have so much going for you, it's pretty stunning to learn that you feel unlovable.
Psychology/psychiatry is a fascinating thing. Can't say that I truly understand it (nor that anyone ever really will), but it's curious how people deal with any given thing. There are days when I feel certain, and others where I doubt who I am and what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.
ReplyDeleteI've resigned myself to not actually knowing, that the "knowing" will one day come . . . or it may not. Love . . . can be an elusive thing.