i'm addicted to reading internet comments following news articles. most of them are stupid, nasty, or irrelevant, but i like the opportunity to peer into the minds of people reading the same stuff as me. several months ago i read one user comment that recommended that every gay man read The Velvet Rage. there was no explanation why, but i figured hey, i'm gay too, and i put it on my note list.

flash forward to january 2014. i'm trying to clean up my list of things to do and here is this random book, the full title of which is The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World. i look it up on amazon and check out the intro which is available to preview. ok, sounds like typical melodramatic gay sexuality stuff until the author writes:

"Very few of us feel the shame, but almost all of us struggle with the private belief that 'if you really knew the whole, unvarnished truth about me, you would know that I am unlovable.'"

yikes. bingo, that's me. time to order this book.

the book arrives last night. i read the first 30 pages and nothing too strongly connects. yes some of it perhaps fits for me the way a pisces' horoscope fits me on any given day. (i'm a gemini) the author starts by writing in broad generalizations about the experience of "growing up gay", which honestly some of the strokes i felt were borderline offensive and i'm less convinced this is going to be a worthwhile read.

tonight though i got to the meat of the book. (fortunately it's an easy read) here i realized the author in his experience treating gay men in various stages of life and coming out is on to something. i haven't finished the book, but many of the stories and points the author makes reflects a lot of what i have read from other bloggers and experienced with the different men in my life.

bottom line is, i think that whatever you identify yourself as, if you are a man and have ever found yourself romantically or sexually interested in another man, you should read this book. something will hit home for you. i haven't read the entire thing to determine whether this will be radically life-changing, but hey why not.

i've included pictures of the first few pages of the chapter that really started to make sense to me. i didn't post the entire chapter but this will give you a taste for what this book is about. apologies if this is some sort of copyright infringement, but i wanted to get this out there for some men who might be too afraid to seek this out on their own. tell me what you think.

i am a serial grindr checker. not that i have much going on on that app or any similar app, but i love the thrill of checking out who's on when i'm in different areas and even if i'm at home hoping that some fresh meat will stumble into my range and start something up. most of the time though i'm just admiring the slew of hard pecs and 6-pack abs that are on there. occasionally there will be a guy that really catches my attention though and even better he'll have a link to his social media.

i was being my usual creeper self and stalking one such hot guy who linked up to his instagram which in turn was linked up to his facebook. now i don't know if i'm the only person to whom this has happened, but following this guy turned into a rabbit hole of checking out countless more hot, hard-bodied gay men whose cocks i would have in my mouth in an instant if i could.

this brought up a few points to me: 1. why is it that hot guys are always friends with other hot guys but 2. after looking through this initial guy's pictures, i deduced that he was in a relationship with a guy not unlike myself. they had several cute pictures together doing various couple-type things and on quite a few vacations. and this guy, whom i was clearly diligently digitally stalking at this point, was definitely my type in every way.

which led me to wonder, why the heck was i not the boyfriend he was posing with in selfies? knowing nothing about this guy other than i would love to jump in bed with him, i still felt a strange mix of envy and anxiety and sadness. here was this hot guy with his hot boyfriend living what looks to be a fabulous life. and both of whom could be my peers as far as age, and here i am at home being a slob in front of the tv watching amy poehler and tina fey on the golden globes drooling over these guys i'll never meet. good lord what a sad existence!

maybe these are emotions single people usually feel when they have time to think and fester and be lonely, but honestly i'm usually so busy i'm not thinking about that. but at the end of the day, i am pretty domestic and despite my previous high-slutting ways, i'd love nothing more than to settle down with one man and make him happy.

the interesting thing about having this blog is getting to realize there are a whole bunch of normal guys out there who happen to like guys too. but lacking venues to really meet similar men in real life, we resort to these online sites and apps where each guy is a disposable trading card to the next. real chemistry though, much harder to find.