I saw an 80 something year old lady in my clinic this week. I've seen her a lot over my residency and gotten to know her pretty well. She always comes in with these vague complaints and I'm never really sure I've actually helped her when she leaves. She always comes back though so I guess I'm doing something she likes. This week's visit was no different, another perplexing complaint that in an old person, you have to take seriously. So we are talking about our plan to work up her complaint she says to me in her cute little 80 year old voice "OK doctor I trust you completely".

I was taken aback by that. What a weird thing to say. It was all at once something so vulnerable and so meaningful. I don't think I could say that to anyone in my life right now. Maybe my mom. Her words have really stuck with me. I think it would mean more to hear that from someone than even "I love you". god knows you can love someone but not have any, much less complete trust in them. More than anything I want to find a man I could say the same thing to and mean every word, and be that someone to him to trust in return.


"I trust you completely."

the other day i got a text from a medical school friend congratulating me for being gay and offering support. one of my other friends had been in his town for a fellowship interview and had 'mentioned' it to him. i was amused by the text. one because it was corny and long-winded in its sentiment but that was just typical for the friend. two because this friend closed the message in a way that could be ambiguously interpreted and there had always been some questions about this friend's own sexuality in med school. anyway it was my first experience of someone finding out i'm a big cocksucker not from my own mouth. i wasn't upset or anything, but it was a realization that this part about me that i've kept secret for so long is not really my secret anymore. i mean everyone has someone in their highest circle of trust they will tell anything, so i should expect that word may or may not get around. at this point i don't really care, my attitude is just i'm not gonna volunteer that information but won't deny or lie about it if it comes up.

the friend who spilled the beans texted me a few days later letting me know they had talked..thanks..a little late on that. but his intention was to spark this friend's sexual maturation if there is a homo side to him somewhere inside there and using me as the martyr which is fine with me.

alright that's it for now. not a sox fan whatsoever don't get me wrong, but baseball guys are always hot.

once in awhile i get to watch TV when i'm at work at night, and whenever we've seen the sportscenter cycle 5x, i usually turn to HGTV or food network for whatever reason. i came across an episode of "cousins undercover" and i admit i only kept watching because i thought the hosts were hot. i looked into this a little online and apparently HGTV is purposely picking out these hot home-improver types to entice their audiences. well, it worked for me. these guys look like they walked straight out of chelsea, but alas they're straight.

well i am on nights again and have a random night off so what is one to do when you still gotta stay up all night but blog. i'm gonna try to update yall on everything i mentioned before so this could get pretty long. strap on...

ok so a little update on the coming out thing. one of my good friends from med school got married this summer. i have a core group of 4 guys including me. one i told and blogged about that experience a few months ago. i finally got to tell the other two during this wedding trip. the groom took it normal like i knew he would. honestly a stand up guy and i knew he wouldn't give a shit. it was funny to tell him 'cuz it was after his bachelor party night was wrapping up and he was already very drunk. my other friend who already knew was there too so it was kinda funny for us to go back and forth and my friend (the groom) had all these funny straight boy questions.

my other friend....i wouldn't say it went badly but i don't know if i'd say it went well. this time, it was me, the friend, and my other friend who's already known. we were on a rooftop having drinks and i didn't directly come out and say i was homo but implied it very strongly. it took my friend a while to get it and then he kind of had a look on his face when he got it. quickly after that though he said we should go back down and that was it. no follow up questions or real acknowledgement of what i had just said. it was weird. everything after that including the wedding went completely normal but it just seemed like he took that info about me, put it in a box in his mind and left it at that.

i had another wedding for a friend from hs and got to tell some close friends i've been meaning to tell there. so i guess overall i'm getting more comfortable doing this. my issue is i'm just not a very flashy person and i hate drawing attention to myself, so it always seems stupid having to make a point about what sex i like sleeping next to at night.

i guess the most interesting thing to update yall about is the guy i was seeing. it was a little complicated situation with him. he's a guy i've been hooking up with for nearly two years now since i came to this town for residency and i've probably mentioned him off and on. M and i had mostly a sexual relationship for a long time, the occasional hookup most of my intern year. but over the past several months our relationship started to evolve into more than just FWB. texting back and forth, even started doing normal things one might do if they were dating. but it was a really slow burn and i was actually getting frustrated that he didn't seem to want to do more than have sex.

then something flipped and suddenly he seemed to finally want to spend time together and that's how it's been the past few months. we never put a name to what exactly our relationship was, but somewhere along the way i fell in love with him and he did too, and we broke the L word ice.  

but even though i had fallen in love, somewhere along the way, i realized something didn't feel right. just a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. i liked spending time with him, and i truly loved him, but i couldn't see where we'd be in 5 years. and then i was going to all these weddings and DOMA was struck down and i realized i couldn't be with him forever. for now, things were perfect, but i could see looking down the road i would be unsatisfied. i knew this guy wouldn't be the one.

but at the same time i was starting to realize this wasn't working, i could tell M was falling even deeper for me. and i felt like such a villain knowing that i was with this man who loved me and wanted to be with me and i didn't want to be with him. how could i be so cruel to hurt him? and how could i be so stupid to throw away a perfectly good relationship? but, it just didn't fit.

i let things linger longer than i should have. there was never a right time to do it. so i dawdled and we spent a summer together and i finally broke his heart last month. it was not easy and i can't imagine how it felt to him. i mean i basically told him "i love you, but not enough to spend the rest of my life with you. now go fuck yourself." in one of those stupid life coincidences, fleetwood mac's "you can go your own way" was playing at the bar where we had the talk.

it wasn't a clean break (does that ever happen anymore?) and i still saw him a few times after the line was drawn that it was over---and will still probably see him occasionally. but i will always remember his face as we were lying next to each other in his bed and he said "i'm going to miss this", his face drawn with an intense look of pain and sadness and heartbreak, all these things that i did to him. what the fuck is wrong with me?

so september kind of sucked. i'm probably more depressed about this than i've let on outwardly (and i was the fucking initiator of the breakup for gods sakes) it would probably be helpful to talk about this with someone in reality but i hate bringing up gay stuff with my normal friends.

i don't know if i'll really get back on the dating train this year. my time in this city is almost up, but i guess i would be willing to open myself up to letting something happen. i guess i'll just do it like the movies and not look for anything specific and see what life happens to me.

alright now i'm all depressed and shit again so that's it for now. here is a happy pic to close things out with. i saw this guy on a tumblr and he reminds me a lot of the cop guy i hooked up with in medical school.