maybe it's just cuz it's the start of second year, but i'm trying to turn my life around. kinda taking the new academic year as a time to refresh things and start some midyear resolutions. one of the more important ones i think is to keep a positive attitude. especially in medicine it's easy to become jaded by sick patients and start getting into a culture of negativity. maybe it was the end of intern year but i could tell all my coworkers were starting to feed into that and get burnt out by the long year we had. i was getting pretty grumpy too. but i don't like negative energy and the way it makes me feel so i'm gonna try to stay positive this year even if my entire service is made up of trainwrecks. you just feel better when you're around other positive people so i'll try to maintain a culture of positivity and happiness with my coworkers.

even outside the workplace the world seems like such a negative place and i hate that. american politics is a mess, you look at internet user comments and people are just complete uncivil asses, half the posts on facebook are people complaining about something, and of course there are all the gay sites with guys and their unnecessarily sassy profiles. just too much bad karma and so i will try more to be a force of good!

in somewhat related news, i went out and saw this guy off okcupid a few times. i was chatting up a guy who we had some mutual attraction and we met up last week. the first few times went pretty well, but i don't think he's my type for a long term relationship. he's said some things that are already kind of red flags for me that i could see becoming problems down the line. besides that i don't think he's quite masculine enough for me. i am by no means a big macho masculine guy but i'd like my guy to have a certain level of masculinity. if anything i think it's just cuz his voice isn't deep enough. (i've talked about my voice fetish HERE)

i will probably try to see him one more time to give things a shot. if not then i'll let him know i'd rather just be friends. one other thing i'm gonna try to do is be real and communicate in my relationships. i'd like to give every relationship some meaningful closure. i think everyone deserves at least that. i was reflecting on that and i think so often we leave things unsaid, avoid facing the hard truths and each other, and just don't talk to each other. i'm realizing that's probably not a mature way to approach things so i'm gonna try to man up and be real. it's like what they say in the opening for the real world show -- "when people stop being polite...and start getting real!"

i've especially realized this in talking with patients. no one wants to talk about cancer or other tough issues, but when you have that conversation, i think patients appreciate docs being frank and open. and i've found it's much easier with practice. so i will try to translate that communication thing to my personal life.

i have some other personal/academic goals that i'm gonna try to get on top of but i'll spare yall sharing those too. i would encourage everyone to refresh yourself and think about what you can do to make yourself a better, happier person and how you can go about doing it today!

..damn i still think that drummer is really cute.

gimme that drummer

i read all the comments you guys leave on my blog, which i'm very thankful for, and i was thinking about the recommendations some of you have left about meeting new guys. i have tried to be more proactive about messaging guys who are even somewhat appealing to me though nothing has come of it as of yet. any good tips on how to open up an online conversation? there's always that boring drivel of "how are you/what's up/how's it going" or variation as such. small talk is already painful in real life, and i think without being able to gauge real chemistry online it's even harder to get something going between messages. maybe i'm just an awkward guy in general.

anyway i'll keep giving the online forum a shot. i'm still debating whether to sign up for match.com. i suppose 20 bucks a month isn't the worst thing i could spend my cash on, but i have a feeling the type of guys i'd be interested in wouldn't shell out the money for it either. my other thought was to try joining one of these gay interest groups. not exactly sure what i'd be up for but it'd be worth a shot. i might try actually hitting up some gay bars maybe during off days or happy hour for a drink but i just have a feeling i'd just feel depressed like a creep sitting there getting a drink by myself.

what i'm really curious to know is how guys in nice stable relationships initially met. that would at least give me some idea of what the hell i need to do to have a man asleep next to me every night. clearly i'm just grasping at straws here.

alright i realize my last few posts have been all whiny and angsty. i will try to avoid such posts in the future and focus on the positives. btw i'm officially done with intern year so that is something i'll need to write about. crazy year but i'm excited even more for second year!

o yea i saw this picture on the dudetube tumblr (http://dudetube.tumblr.com/). i don't have a singlet or jock strap fetish but you gotta admit that's pretty hot. this poor OSU guy though, he probably has no idea he's being paraded as a gay guy's wet dream hahaha.

Sonnet 116.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds 
Admit impediments. Love is not love 
Which alters when it alteration finds, 
Or bends with the remover to remove: 
O no! it is an ever-fixéd mark 
That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 
It is the star to every wand'ring barque, 
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken 
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle’s compass come: 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 
   If this be error and upon me proved, 
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

would i want to be straight? the question has popped into my mind every now and again and was a discussion point in the 'weekend' movie, which has made me think about it more the past few weeks. i think i've come to the conclusion that i wish i could be straight, but in the same way i wish that i could win the lottery, or be an olympic athlete, or drive a ferrari to work. being straight would be a nice luxury in life but i'm fine with being gay.

i know some of you are probably scandalized that i would dare wish to be straight and renounce liking dick, but being straight would make life so much simpler. look at all the angst in this blog about coming to grips with being gay. look at all the other blogs about men dealing with the same thing. isn't it weird that we are so mixed up and lost and alone on this journey that we have to turn to the internet to find some bonds and community. i doubt there's quite a straight equivalent to this blog community of closeted/semi-closeted men.

wouldn't it be nice if i could tell my mom truthfully when she asks why i don't have a girlfriend is because i'm just a loser with bad game, not because i'm a loser with bad game who also only really plans to bring home a boyfriend one day. wouldn't it be nice if i could go out with my buds and try to chase after women with them like a normal dude instead of secretly checking out grindr on the side. wouldn't it be nice if i knew that some day i'll be a dad if only i found the right woman to have kids with (having kids being one of my absolute goals in life), and not have to also worry about finding the right male partner and then going through some crazy adoption process eventually. wouldn't it be nice if the last 4 years of my life wasn't preoccupied with coming to terms with being homosexual like it has been?

i think it would be. maybe these wishes are all just the sound of a guy who still hasn't accepted himself as being gay, but honestly i think i have. i will always and forever want to be with a man, have sex with a man, fall asleep next to a man, love and cherish a man, and i'm 100% ok with that. in fact, i can't wait until i find that man. i still think life would have been easier, simpler and just as fulfilling if i were just...straight. people always say "oh i would never take back doing 'x' because then 'y' would have never happened." the reality is, as long as that other path didn't lead to your imminent death, you probably would have been just fine and none the wiser. maybe one day i'll look back on this time of my life and laugh at all the emotional turmoil i had as i'm driving down pacific coast highway with my amazing perfect boyfriend, but right now, i just feel like it (being gay) has been something more like a nuisance. am i completely unforgivable for wanting this? life has enough curveballs as it is, and the sexuality curveball is just one in the lineup i would have preferred to have not had to hit.

another one of my manic sporadic updates...here goes guys.

may was an insane month. i was on the hardest rotation of the year and i could not wait for the month to be over. life basically consisted of work, sleep, work, sleep, work sleep repeat ad infinitum. i've been pretty lucky in that i've had a pretty good intern year; i've loved or at least tolerably enjoyed going to work all year, but for once last month i wanted to crawl in a hole never to return. i think part of it was having to work straight nights. while i've worked overnight intermittently throughout the year, i didn't have to do dedicated nights til last month, and boy you'd be surprised how depressed you get when you don't see the sun. anyway there were a few bright spots last month but for the most part, work sucked.

now that i'm back on a normal service though i'm much happier. i can't believe my intern year is coming to a close. i keep thinking back to one year ago and it's so weird to imagine where i was then. i still have a lot of experience and learning to do, but i definitely wonder what dr. me last year really knew about anything.

as far as personal stuff, not much to say on that front. i signed up for okcupid but haven't had anything come out of that. i am so desperate to date but these online avenues just don't seem to be working out for me. the other option i suppose is to prowl the gay bars but i'm not sure that's a good idea either.

i watched "weekend" today which was recommended on closet med's blog and maybe there is hope for meeting mr. right at a club. i knew i had to watch it after it used the antlers song "i don't want love" in the trailer, but i don't have netflix so i did the dishonorable thing and downloaded the movie off a torrent. i owe it a legit viewing at some point but anyway i'm not sure how i feel about the movie in the end.

i think if you're reading this blog you should probably see it. i didn't find it incredibly ground-breaking or moving, but it explored a lot of thoughts i think any typical gay man has probably had on his own at one time or another. and i guess that's the point is that it is just an honest depiction of two regular gay guys who maybe are falling in love with each other. i wonder if perhaps a straight audience just finds it fascinating to delve into this other world of homo love. i also thought the sex scenes were a little too graphic (not that i minded), but maybe that's another point by the writer/director regarding our views of heterosexual vs. homosexual sex scenes. anyway i'd still recommend it because it's been a few hours since i watched and it's still on my mind for a few different reasons. in reality i probably highly identify with the main character...

watching that movie just brought the concept of relationships back to the forefront of my mind. i am so incredibly ready for a relationship. being in hell last month just reminded me that i need someone, something outside of work to make life worthwhile. one of my english teachers said something about marriage just being about having someone to be a witness to your life, and that line always stuck with me. now i just googled that quote and apparently it's from the movie "shall we dance" starring richard gere and j-lo, so i'll just pretend he came up with it on his own or maybe he had prefaced already that that's where he got it from, but i still think that's a pretty powerful concept.

i also remember reading an article with some actor saying the best thing about his wife is that she is someone he would always want to eat lunch with. practical, but so insightful.

a witness to my life, and someone i could eat every meal with. that's what i want.

perhaps more unsettling is that the movie brought to mind a past guy that i've been trying to forget for awhile. while i think love can be instant and it can also be built brick by brick, i hooked up with this guy several years ago and he was just someone that i instantly clicked with. we had amazing chemistry and got along great and i couldn't get enough of him when we first met. he was completely my type and i was his. things broke down though when he wanted to really make a relationship out of our hookups. i was still pretty new with being with guys and he wanted to make a boyfriend out of me. he was completely out though and pressured me about why i was holding back about being out. here i am in 2012 out to 1 whole person so you can imagine how that went over then. we were just in two very different places as far as the gay spectrum was concerned, and there was no way a relationship would work between us. so we called it quits, then oscillated between on and off for awhile until i shut things off completely my last year. he was too much of a temptation. he still texted me a few times after that, maybe innocently, maybe not, but there was just no way i could see him without wanting to rip his clothes off.

more often than not my mind still drifts to him as maybe 'the guy who got away'. what if i were in a different place sexually and completely out when i met him? even now as i'm making baby steps? could we have made something work? could we have been happy together? i've been with enough guys since then, but it's him i always come back to. is that normal? is it just because i actually felt like i had a connection with him, something i haven't really experienced since? i'm not sure. i do know i would love to feel that way about someone else now, but good lord is it hard.

i watch a lot of porn, and while most of the time i'm focused on you-know-what, sometimes that annoying logical side of my brain interrupts my mindless lust. one thought that seems to cross my mind is the drawbacks of having a big porn star-sized dick. i love just watching a nice dick go into those sexy places as much as the next guy, but i wonder what it must be like to be an owner of a well-sized dick.

i am happily average myself, but still have a tendency for random boners despite not being a middle school boy, which can be somewhat of a problem. we intelligent folk in medicine have come up with the term scrub boner to describe the unwanted erections that always seem to occur when you're in scrubs. if you've never worn scrubs before, it is a very flimsy material for hiding a boner. you might as well be wearing nothing, and i've had my share of awkward situations trying to keep scrub boner under wraps. so i must wonder what those men with sizable dicks do when their scrub boner is too much to hide. not that dress pants are much easier to hide a hard cock in. my point is, i find myself plagued too often with disguising my average-sized boner, but i imagine it must be an even bigger nuisance when you've got a snake crawling halfway up your legs. with all the emphasis on size out there i'm sure those well-endowed guys will take the trouble of the occasional random boner, but i dunno, it's gotta be somewhat of a pain in the ass right? (pun intended..ba-dunk)

those willing to share your random boner stories, please do..we all need a little more wood in our lives....