hey guys
it's been too long and i owe yall an explanation. it was a crazy summer that's for sure. short version, i attended a few weddings all over the country (one more this weekend), went to lollapalooza, had, and ended a relationship with another guy where we both truly loved each other, came out to some of my important friends and partially to my family (not all there yet), and oh yea still did some of this doctoring business in between. i promise the big update is coming.

by the way, thanks for sticking around and checking in on this blog. i know bloggers come and go so i really appreciate and am truly flattered that i have even the semblance of an audience interested in the crap i have to spew.

in the meantime (cuz who knows when i will actually be able to sit down and recap all that) check out this speech by wentworth miller. he quietly but somewhat dramatically came out last month in protest to the russia anti-gay stuff.. i think his speech encapsulates a lot of the emotions we (as in homos) go through as we struggle to come out. i always thought he was cute and knew for a long time that he was a glass closet hollywood gay, but i think it's awesome he's really being an advocate now. it's a long speech but worth it.

http://action.hrc.org/site/PageNavigator/2013_Wentworth_SocialShare.html

hey guys
my apologies and all that about not posting. it's been awhile. work, life, etc has gotten in the way of posting. i'm on nights currently so it's been out to work, back to bed, and repeat, but i'll try to write a real post one of these days when i wake up wide awake in the middle of the day when i should be sleeping. hope yall have been well, you'll hear from me soon.

after my first time with another guy, i spent the following morning in a haze of confusion, guilt, and paranoia. at the same time i was filled with the thrill that i had finally acted on emotions that i had been trying to suppress. i was hooked, but i didn't know how to get more.

enter craigslist.

i'm not sure how i knew how to go down this avenue, (had i heard this in passing? was it common sense? had i browsed the m4m section prior to my first time? i really can't remember at this point) regardless, craigslist became my first turn to look for more man on man action. i posted an ad the day after my first time, and boy can you get a lot of attention as an early 20-something year old talking about his first time.

i ended up finding my second hookup off craigslist. the guy ended up being a fair bit older than his pics suggested. he still was fairly attractive and i was too naive and polite to refuse and my second time with a man was significantly better than my first time.

but so went on the fuel to my fast growing addiction to the art of the hookup. while i was (and still am) a typical horny young adult, there was something about finally allowing myself to be with men that flipped a switch for a craving for sex i could not seem to satisfy. i was addicted to hooking up with guys. i quickly shed any naivete about having sex with men. yes there were a few guys who i managed to see at least a couple of times, but for the most part these were one and dones. i became adept at scanning through the craigslist ads for the ones that seemed legit and the ones from flakes. more often i would just play my own game and post my own ad, weeding out the junk to find the next hopeful satisfying hookup.

as i've thought about writing this post the past few weeks, i thought it would be helpful to put a count on how many men i've had some form of intimacy with. one night i ran through my history and i decided to stop when i hit the 100+ mark. yes, i've had sex with at least a 100 different men. some weeks it was probably as much as every other day. all this mind you, while i was in medical school. i'd troll craigslist after class instead of study. there were even the occasional morning hookups i'd take precedence for over class. i'd stay up late looking for a hookup instead of resting up for class. i'd find myself drunk at one of the gay bars after a night out with classmates trolling for a man to take me home. you get the point. i just couldn't get enough.

i knew what i was doing wasn't healthy, but i couldn't help myself. even today i still can't fully explain to myself why i was so drawn to these random hookups. of course, there was just me being horny, and finding another guy to have sex with being easy. there was also the element of the thrill of being with a new man. the promise that maybe this next guy would be the one to put an end to this quest. that maybe i would finally find a real emotional connection after taking a shortcut with the physical one. there was definitely an emotional void and longing for a real connection with another man that i was searching for with these hookups.

as any guy who has been caught up in the hookup culture can tell you, i never really found one that way. yes there have been guys over the years that i met for a hookup that would turn into something a little more meaningful than a cum and go, and perhaps those decent guys who maybe were in the same state of mind as me only added to the hope that what i was searching for was out there. but any idea that anyone could meet a husband that way is insane. (if perhaps you have found your partner in the hookup culture, please feel free to share your story)

while there is a certain degree of shame with the extent my sexual history has gone, i'm at peace with who i was. i'm not going to be blasting out loud how many partners i've had at every dinner party i go to, but it's been an important part of my sexual evolution. fortunately i escaped from that phase without serious harm. i find it kind of amazing i never caught an STD (especially as there were a few bb encounters here and there..) and my hookup travels sometimes took me to some questionable locations. on the flip side, i probably saw more parts of the city i went to med school in than i would have if i hadn't been so deep in this addiction.

not to say i've completely changed into an ambassador for celibacy. i'm especially prone to mischief when out of town in a new city, but so far as i've been in my current home city, i've cooled it. i don't know if my story is an extreme or common for the typical gay man, but i hope maybe i haven't been the only one out there who's been confused and used sex as a coping mechanism for the far more complex issues of coming to terms with being a man-loving, sword-swallowing homo.

my sleep cycle has been completely f-cked this week. i got in the habit of taking a "nap" after work earlier week and those always end up turning into a fat-ass nap that just keeps me up all night. sleep is definitely my weakness in life.

anyway in one of my deranged partial all-nighters i was catching up on my TV shows. as i've mentioned before i've taken a liking to "the new normal" on NBC. well this week's episode was just stunning. i really strongly urge you to watch it. i honestly can't believe they aired an episode like that on network tv. briefly, it's about one of the main characters going back to the boy scouts as an adult troop leader but being scared about it 'cuz he's gay. i don't want to say anything else about the plot, but it encapsulated nearly all the hopes and fears that i have about coming out, and it just really hit hard for me. i think if you are a fellow homo you will find something to identify with in this episode, and even if you're not it's a great perspective on discrimination, so just watch it and see what you think. (i actually liked the message of the girls' storyline too.)

anyway i commend the show for tackling a very politically-charged issue head on like that. man that last scene was so powerful. check it out.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/471859

hey all
you know that funk you get in when you're not really busy, but you can't seem to get anything done? yea that's been my march. it's not been stressful at all but i feel like i've accomplished very little and i really could have put in a few more posts this month. well here ya guys go...a few random tangents as usual.

nothing going on with my love life. there has been one very cute guy who messaged me a few weeks ago on grindr but has dodged any idea to meet up and hasn't been too 'chatty' after being the one to make first contact. i'm never really sure how to interpret online chatting/flirting. i assumed he was interested in developing something given he messaged me first, but all subsequent chats i feel like i'm pulling teeth and being 'that guy' who keeps talking without getting the hint. i guess i am just a little confused because he was the one to talk to me first so i figure he should be the one putting more effort into the chat but he's not. he's cute though so i'll keep giving it a shot.

aside from that i continue to have a complicated relationship with a regular fuck buddy i have off and on talked about non-specifically. i need to really just give you guys all the details but that is for another post.

i've been going to the gym more. not enough to be on the cover of men's health anytime soon but i'm pleased with myself for getting off my lazy ass and going a few times a few week. and it does feel pretty good after you get in a good work out. actually i've been averaging out to like twice a week which is still pretty pitiful but hey it's a work in progress. i do think i'm making a few gains and i'm supposed to start working out with my chief who has a body i wouldn't mind trading with so we'll see how that goes. it's definitely hard work and i admire guys who have the dedication to be at the gym all the time. if you have any workout tips or regimens feel free to share with me.

match day came and went a few weeks ago. (congrats to all the ms4s out there.) it was hard to believe it had been two years since my match day on march 17th 2011. med school is getting farther and farther away and it's such a surreal realization. (i know, i'm so experienced with my whole 1.xxx years of being a doctor under my belt) i really kinda miss med school though. even the craziness of intern year, it was still a good time and it's hard to believe it's been a year since that all happened already. one of my weaknesses is that i'm a sentimental fool but i think it's always nice to think back on old times (remembering the good and not the bad)

on a somewhat similar note, i've been meaning to write a post on my hookup history. not exactly a tell all, but just get a little more real with you guys about my relatively extensive sexual exploits. i kinda have avoided talking about it but another blogger i've been emailing says i should write about it and reassure other guys they're not the only ones out there who have or did fall into the hookup culture so i'll try to make that my next post.

i'll be waiting to hear this marriage decision. i hope it goes well. i kinda cringe though when i see all the press it's getting. i think the last thing we want, or at least i want, is to keep shoving this gay thing into people's faces. yes i want the right to marry another man if i so choose, but i don't want the general population to be turned off by all the crap this (non)-issue is getting. i was reading a piece on portman and his son, and it was interesting to read a statistic that said something like, 'most people turn in favor of gay marriage when they know someone who is gay'. i guess what that means is it's up to us normal, but dick-loving, joes to come out and show society that we're not that villainous after all.

penultimate thing, head on over to this blog http://closestednextdoor.blogspot.com/ catch up on the last few posts, and leave a thought or two for him. i'm interested in what other thoughts people have about his situation cuz i personally have no clue what to think. i think the bisexual thing is always more difficult to deal with and i'd like him to have as many different [constructive] opinions as possible. hope he doesn't mind the shoutout...

with that i'll leave you guys with this hot pic from seancody. more pictures on my blog is gonna be my new thing 'cuz god knows we need more eye candy in our lives. i think that's a really hot position for two guys to be in and they are both extremely attractive!

 

another stupid harlem shake video, but if you mute the volume it looks just fine.....

NAKED RUGBY PLAYERS DO THE HARLEM SHAKE NUDE IN THE SHOWER

i saw this commercial on tv the other day for the amazon kindle and was just kind of absentmindedly watching it (ok to be honest only really paying attention because i thought the guy in it was hot), so i did a double take when i heard the end and was pretty surprised by it. but i thought it was very funny and natural and it's cool that amazon would make a commercial like that. i'm sure there's some anti-homo group campaigning against amazon now...i suppose they could add book burning to their to-do list too.

check out the ad below, and also a gratuitous screen shot of the hunky actor in it.