after my first time with another guy, i spent the following morning in a haze of confusion, guilt, and paranoia. at the same time i was filled with the thrill that i had finally acted on emotions that i had been trying to suppress. i was hooked, but i didn't know how to get more.

enter craigslist.

i'm not sure how i knew how to go down this avenue, (had i heard this in passing? was it common sense? had i browsed the m4m section prior to my first time? i really can't remember at this point) regardless, craigslist became my first turn to look for more man on man action. i posted an ad the day after my first time, and boy can you get a lot of attention as an early 20-something year old talking about his first time.

i ended up finding my second hookup off craigslist. the guy ended up being a fair bit older than his pics suggested. he still was fairly attractive and i was too naive and polite to refuse and my second time with a man was significantly better than my first time.

but so went on the fuel to my fast growing addiction to the art of the hookup. while i was (and still am) a typical horny young adult, there was something about finally allowing myself to be with men that flipped a switch for a craving for sex i could not seem to satisfy. i was addicted to hooking up with guys. i quickly shed any naivete about having sex with men. yes there were a few guys who i managed to see at least a couple of times, but for the most part these were one and dones. i became adept at scanning through the craigslist ads for the ones that seemed legit and the ones from flakes. more often i would just play my own game and post my own ad, weeding out the junk to find the next hopeful satisfying hookup.

as i've thought about writing this post the past few weeks, i thought it would be helpful to put a count on how many men i've had some form of intimacy with. one night i ran through my history and i decided to stop when i hit the 100+ mark. yes, i've had sex with at least a 100 different men. some weeks it was probably as much as every other day. all this mind you, while i was in medical school. i'd troll craigslist after class instead of study. there were even the occasional morning hookups i'd take precedence for over class. i'd stay up late looking for a hookup instead of resting up for class. i'd find myself drunk at one of the gay bars after a night out with classmates trolling for a man to take me home. you get the point. i just couldn't get enough.

i knew what i was doing wasn't healthy, but i couldn't help myself. even today i still can't fully explain to myself why i was so drawn to these random hookups. of course, there was just me being horny, and finding another guy to have sex with being easy. there was also the element of the thrill of being with a new man. the promise that maybe this next guy would be the one to put an end to this quest. that maybe i would finally find a real emotional connection after taking a shortcut with the physical one. there was definitely an emotional void and longing for a real connection with another man that i was searching for with these hookups.

as any guy who has been caught up in the hookup culture can tell you, i never really found one that way. yes there have been guys over the years that i met for a hookup that would turn into something a little more meaningful than a cum and go, and perhaps those decent guys who maybe were in the same state of mind as me only added to the hope that what i was searching for was out there. but any idea that anyone could meet a husband that way is insane. (if perhaps you have found your partner in the hookup culture, please feel free to share your story)

while there is a certain degree of shame with the extent my sexual history has gone, i'm at peace with who i was. i'm not going to be blasting out loud how many partners i've had at every dinner party i go to, but it's been an important part of my sexual evolution. fortunately i escaped from that phase without serious harm. i find it kind of amazing i never caught an STD (especially as there were a few bb encounters here and there..) and my hookup travels sometimes took me to some questionable locations. on the flip side, i probably saw more parts of the city i went to med school in than i would have if i hadn't been so deep in this addiction.

not to say i've completely changed into an ambassador for celibacy. i'm especially prone to mischief when out of town in a new city, but so far as i've been in my current home city, i've cooled it. i don't know if my story is an extreme or common for the typical gay man, but i hope maybe i haven't been the only one out there who's been confused and used sex as a coping mechanism for the far more complex issues of coming to terms with being a man-loving, sword-swallowing homo.

my sleep cycle has been completely f-cked this week. i got in the habit of taking a "nap" after work earlier week and those always end up turning into a fat-ass nap that just keeps me up all night. sleep is definitely my weakness in life.

anyway in one of my deranged partial all-nighters i was catching up on my TV shows. as i've mentioned before i've taken a liking to "the new normal" on NBC. well this week's episode was just stunning. i really strongly urge you to watch it. i honestly can't believe they aired an episode like that on network tv. briefly, it's about one of the main characters going back to the boy scouts as an adult troop leader but being scared about it 'cuz he's gay. i don't want to say anything else about the plot, but it encapsulated nearly all the hopes and fears that i have about coming out, and it just really hit hard for me. i think if you are a fellow homo you will find something to identify with in this episode, and even if you're not it's a great perspective on discrimination, so just watch it and see what you think. (i actually liked the message of the girls' storyline too.)

anyway i commend the show for tackling a very politically-charged issue head on like that. man that last scene was so powerful. check it out.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/471859

hey all
you know that funk you get in when you're not really busy, but you can't seem to get anything done? yea that's been my march. it's not been stressful at all but i feel like i've accomplished very little and i really could have put in a few more posts this month. well here ya guys go...a few random tangents as usual.

nothing going on with my love life. there has been one very cute guy who messaged me a few weeks ago on grindr but has dodged any idea to meet up and hasn't been too 'chatty' after being the one to make first contact. i'm never really sure how to interpret online chatting/flirting. i assumed he was interested in developing something given he messaged me first, but all subsequent chats i feel like i'm pulling teeth and being 'that guy' who keeps talking without getting the hint. i guess i am just a little confused because he was the one to talk to me first so i figure he should be the one putting more effort into the chat but he's not. he's cute though so i'll keep giving it a shot.

aside from that i continue to have a complicated relationship with a regular fuck buddy i have off and on talked about non-specifically. i need to really just give you guys all the details but that is for another post.

i've been going to the gym more. not enough to be on the cover of men's health anytime soon but i'm pleased with myself for getting off my lazy ass and going a few times a few week. and it does feel pretty good after you get in a good work out. actually i've been averaging out to like twice a week which is still pretty pitiful but hey it's a work in progress. i do think i'm making a few gains and i'm supposed to start working out with my chief who has a body i wouldn't mind trading with so we'll see how that goes. it's definitely hard work and i admire guys who have the dedication to be at the gym all the time. if you have any workout tips or regimens feel free to share with me.

match day came and went a few weeks ago. (congrats to all the ms4s out there.) it was hard to believe it had been two years since my match day on march 17th 2011. med school is getting farther and farther away and it's such a surreal realization. (i know, i'm so experienced with my whole 1.xxx years of being a doctor under my belt) i really kinda miss med school though. even the craziness of intern year, it was still a good time and it's hard to believe it's been a year since that all happened already. one of my weaknesses is that i'm a sentimental fool but i think it's always nice to think back on old times (remembering the good and not the bad)

on a somewhat similar note, i've been meaning to write a post on my hookup history. not exactly a tell all, but just get a little more real with you guys about my relatively extensive sexual exploits. i kinda have avoided talking about it but another blogger i've been emailing says i should write about it and reassure other guys they're not the only ones out there who have or did fall into the hookup culture so i'll try to make that my next post.

i'll be waiting to hear this marriage decision. i hope it goes well. i kinda cringe though when i see all the press it's getting. i think the last thing we want, or at least i want, is to keep shoving this gay thing into people's faces. yes i want the right to marry another man if i so choose, but i don't want the general population to be turned off by all the crap this (non)-issue is getting. i was reading a piece on portman and his son, and it was interesting to read a statistic that said something like, 'most people turn in favor of gay marriage when they know someone who is gay'. i guess what that means is it's up to us normal, but dick-loving, joes to come out and show society that we're not that villainous after all.

penultimate thing, head on over to this blog http://closestednextdoor.blogspot.com/ catch up on the last few posts, and leave a thought or two for him. i'm interested in what other thoughts people have about his situation cuz i personally have no clue what to think. i think the bisexual thing is always more difficult to deal with and i'd like him to have as many different [constructive] opinions as possible. hope he doesn't mind the shoutout...

with that i'll leave you guys with this hot pic from seancody. more pictures on my blog is gonna be my new thing 'cuz god knows we need more eye candy in our lives. i think that's a really hot position for two guys to be in and they are both extremely attractive!

 

another stupid harlem shake video, but if you mute the volume it looks just fine.....

NAKED RUGBY PLAYERS DO THE HARLEM SHAKE NUDE IN THE SHOWER

i saw this commercial on tv the other day for the amazon kindle and was just kind of absentmindedly watching it (ok to be honest only really paying attention because i thought the guy in it was hot), so i did a double take when i heard the end and was pretty surprised by it. but i thought it was very funny and natural and it's cool that amazon would make a commercial like that. i'm sure there's some anti-homo group campaigning against amazon now...i suppose they could add book burning to their to-do list too.

check out the ad below, and also a gratuitous screen shot of the hunky actor in it.

first, check out this video. it's a harlem shake video of the nebraska gymnastics team. it's hot.

second, i did meet up with scruff guy and tell him i didn't want to date anymore. we went to happy hour/dinner which went well enough although the news i had to tell him was in the back of my mind. i kept trying to find a good time to break it but obviously couldn't find one. towards the end he kept bringing up what we should do after and i was like "ummmm....not sure." so when we were taking care of the check i excused myself to the bathroom, came back, and just said it. he took it well. he appreciated my honesty. he actually does still want to be friends. he did ask me what were some of the reasons i didn't think it would work. i didn't want to be that honest with him so i avoided that question but just told him i didn't feel the chemistry was right for what i was looking for, which is true. interestingly, he still invited me over to his place after and to make it brief, we woke up naked together the next morning. not that we're turning this into a friends with benefits thing, i think it was just more like a last hurrah kind of thing.

some of you commented my quest for THE ONE may be a quixotic search. i'm not so naive that i think prince charming will appear suddenly and i'll live happily ever after. (that was phone guy, and he's gone for now) but we did go on 3 dates and that was enough for me to know that there wasn't enough there with this guy to keep pursuing things. as someone put it, nothing was overtly wrong, but there just wasn't enough to build on and honestly i just wouldn't have wanted to settle with this guy. i'm still in my 20s, and i still believe i can keep searching those vast gay seas for the right man. there were specific points in my future man that i would have liked for this guy to have, but overall it really was my gestalt telling me this guy wasn't it. that's the whole point of dating right?

so, it's back to square one again. any suggestions for other online/phone app venues would be appreciated. currently i still frequent grindr, scruff, a4a, and okcupid. tried manhunt, match, and jackd but not interested in those. is there some new thing i'm missing out on? aside from like...actual human interaction somewhere?

hey all
a few topics to touch on..i realize my last few posts have been kinda boring/preachy so let me try to excite you guys with stories of my personal life.

the last two weeks i have been dating this guy i met off scruff. i think he may actually been the only successful real life contact i've had from that app. our first date we went out for dinner which went well enough as far as conversation, and we went so far as to migrate to another place for a drink. i was really getting more of a friend vibe from him so i was a little surprised when he went in for the kiss when we were parting ways. well he was a good kisser so we had a few kisses and that was that.

we had a second date a few nights later. we decided to go for a quick dinner then watch 'silver linings playbook'. (side note: bradley cooper is a fucking stud. why were there no gratuitous shirtless scenes of him in that movie?) again, mostly tame throughout the movie, then somewhere about 3/4 in we started holding hands...interesting. we went back to my place after the movie under the pretense of hanging out/having a drink and well...things got busy. just made out for a bit first and the guy was pretty aggressively grinding on me which i thought was pretty hot. in the middle of it though he said he doesn't have sex unless he's dating someone which i said ok that's fine we don't have to have sex. so we continued the pg/pg 13 stuff on the couch for a bit then he suggested moving it to to my bed which i agreed to. interestingly he started peeling off the clothes and given what he said earlier, i asked 'are we gonna get naked?' which he said yes to. so..there was that, we had some fun, and......he slept over. there goes the friend thing.

after that night i thought about what i wanted with this guy. he's very nice, we get along well enough, and obviously i like him physically enough to have some naughty fun. but at this point, i'm really looking for THE ONE. i truly want to find the guy who i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. and unfortunately with this guy i don't think he has the things i'm looking for in a future husband. maybe a me in the past would just keep hanging out with this guy for the fun, but to be fair to both of us i thought it best that we just be friends.

that was my mindset going into our third 'date'. we met up for a dinner last week in his neighborhood and i had all intentions of explaining to him what i'm looking for and why i didn't think we should keep dating. unfortunately dinner was so pleasant, and we ended up going back to his place to watch some tv, which led to cuddling, which led to the bedroom, which led to us waking up naked together the next morning...you get the picture. easier said than done obviously to break things up.

anyway i'm supposed to meet him tomorrow for happy hour and i have all intentions to really break things off. it's really not fair to him for me to keep this up. i don't even know what he's looking for in a relationship, but my path is set. i hope he still wants to be friends though. i know that's kind of a weird statement since we've already slept together, but i think it can happen.

in other news, is it weird that i find daniel day lewis kinda hot? the characters he plays are creepy but when he's all cleaned up he looks pretty good for an older guy...