hey all
a few topics to touch on..i realize my last few posts have been kinda boring/preachy so let me try to excite you guys with stories of my personal life.

the last two weeks i have been dating this guy i met off scruff. i think he may actually been the only successful real life contact i've had from that app. our first date we went out for dinner which went well enough as far as conversation, and we went so far as to migrate to another place for a drink. i was really getting more of a friend vibe from him so i was a little surprised when he went in for the kiss when we were parting ways. well he was a good kisser so we had a few kisses and that was that.

we had a second date a few nights later. we decided to go for a quick dinner then watch 'silver linings playbook'. (side note: bradley cooper is a fucking stud. why were there no gratuitous shirtless scenes of him in that movie?) again, mostly tame throughout the movie, then somewhere about 3/4 in we started holding hands...interesting. we went back to my place after the movie under the pretense of hanging out/having a drink and well...things got busy. just made out for a bit first and the guy was pretty aggressively grinding on me which i thought was pretty hot. in the middle of it though he said he doesn't have sex unless he's dating someone which i said ok that's fine we don't have to have sex. so we continued the pg/pg 13 stuff on the couch for a bit then he suggested moving it to to my bed which i agreed to. interestingly he started peeling off the clothes and given what he said earlier, i asked 'are we gonna get naked?' which he said yes to. so..there was that, we had some fun, and......he slept over. there goes the friend thing.

after that night i thought about what i wanted with this guy. he's very nice, we get along well enough, and obviously i like him physically enough to have some naughty fun. but at this point, i'm really looking for THE ONE. i truly want to find the guy who i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. and unfortunately with this guy i don't think he has the things i'm looking for in a future husband. maybe a me in the past would just keep hanging out with this guy for the fun, but to be fair to both of us i thought it best that we just be friends.

that was my mindset going into our third 'date'. we met up for a dinner last week in his neighborhood and i had all intentions of explaining to him what i'm looking for and why i didn't think we should keep dating. unfortunately dinner was so pleasant, and we ended up going back to his place to watch some tv, which led to cuddling, which led to the bedroom, which led to us waking up naked together the next morning...you get the picture. easier said than done obviously to break things up.

anyway i'm supposed to meet him tomorrow for happy hour and i have all intentions to really break things off. it's really not fair to him for me to keep this up. i don't even know what he's looking for in a relationship, but my path is set. i hope he still wants to be friends though. i know that's kind of a weird statement since we've already slept together, but i think it can happen.

in other news, is it weird that i find daniel day lewis kinda hot? the characters he plays are creepy but when he's all cleaned up he looks pretty good for an older guy...

i'm starting this post in the middle of the night and it's funny because i can hear the neighbor below me snoring. i only hear it occasionally and i don't really hear much from my neighbors' apartments so this guy must be a loud ass snorer. maybe i should drop an anonymous note saying he should get screened for obstructive sleep apnea. also, i wonder if my neighbors ever hear unsavory things coming from my apartment. as much as i want to blast my speaker volume when i'm watching porn, i keep it at medium for that reason, but i'm sure they've heard a few moans travel from my computer to their ears...

ok random tangent but that's where my brain is at in the middle of the night. now on to what i really wanted to discuss. does anyone remember growing up in school seeing one of those posters that said something like "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."? you know, the kind of inspirational posters teachers like to use to decorate their classroom, along with pictures of the solar system and the human body and so forth. well at the time i thought those inspirational posters were pretty lame, but now i see how true they were.

i came off a tough month of service in january. very busy, long hours, lots of patients and work to do. as much as i wanted to die and crawl into a hole some days, i still managed to have a decent month because the other residents and i just laughed a lot, shrugged our shoulders, rolled our eyes maybe, and got through the work. and that's where that mantra kept running through my head, it's not about what happens to you, but how you react to it. when you get that 5th consult in an hour you can scream, you can be furious, you can rage at the idiots who are asking a consult for the dumbest thing, or you can smile and go see the patient. i would say the majority of doctors are not very thrilled to get a new consult, but i've been trying to transform my attitude to look at it as an opportunity to help the patient, add something their care, and maybe find a learning opportunity, even if you are seeing them for a dumb reason.

in one of my favorite blogs, the author writes a post or maybe it was just a comment, i can't recall, about how people seem to be more focused on negativity as opposed to reaching for a place of compassion and kindness. i don't know if it's human nature or what, but in this era you just kinda expect people to react poorly to something. think about what would happen if you spilled your drink on someone. how refreshing would it be if you could count that the poor recipient would just as likely burst out laughing at the mistake as they would be fuming that you just ruined their outfit or whatever. but really, when something bad happens, what can you do other than laugh and roll with the punches? i personally feel so much better about myself when i try to be positive rather than sulk and wallow (although i will sulk from time to time).



i saw a young woman in her late 20s last month in the ED. she had a known history of a very aggressive cancer and i knew the top things on her mind when i saw her would be whether 1. was this her cancer 2. was this her cancer and 3. was this her cancer? so i came in to see her and had barely introduced myself to her and her husband when i knocked over her urine sample that was sitting on the counter.  i had just ruined any semblance of professionalism i had and was pretty embarrassed, but this young lady just burst out laughing like she hadn't laughed in years. and then there we all were just laughing our heads off as i crawled down to fetch her luckily intact urine bottle off the floor.

unfortunately, she ended up having new metastases to the brain. i suspect she'll be dead in a year from her cancer, but i hope she'll remember that the day she was told she had cancer in her brain, she also got to laugh at a doctor spilling her piss all over the floor.

like a lot of life, we do our best to react to the situation and make the most of it. i personally think it feels so much better to react to things in as positive a way as possible. negativity just saps all your energy away, and heck if i barely have enough of that.

obesity

i have a post i started last night but i felt so strongly about a subject i saw today that i'm putting it on the back burner, although it will tie in well with today's post.

today, i watched a news story about new jersey governor chris christie, a self-admitted overweight gentleman who was even recently on david letterman to poke fun at his own weight and brought out a donut to eat as a gag. christie is also an aspiring 2016 presidential candidate. there was a piece on him on CNN and they asked the opinion of a former white house doctor on his health, to which this doctor responded she was afraid he would die in office because of his obesity.

governor christie responded today to her remarks with a few choice words, some of which included that she "should shut up" and she was "completely irresponsible".

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/06/chris-christie-connie-mariano_n_2631944.html?utm_hp_ref=politics

http://www.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_t2#/video/politics/2013/02/06/sot-christie-tells-doc-to-shut-up.news-12-new-jersey

i heard the first part of the news story as i was cleaning up my apartment and i knew by the build up the doctor would make some remark about how bad his weight is for his health. any physician would say the same thing, white house doc or not.

i was disappointed then by governor christie's response.

i was expecting him to have a positive response to these doctor's remarks, perhaps for him to acknowledge his longstanding problem with obesity and his plan to take steps to improve his health today. there was none of that. instead, there was uncalled for vitriol directed against this very reasonable professional, who really was showing genuine concern for christie.

i was disappointed that christie threw away this opportunity to address the huge problem this country has with obesity and set a positive example for millions of america struggling with the same weight problem, as might be expected of a future presidential candidate.

i was disappointed by his negativity and his stunning denial about the real issue, his obesity. he says in his response that dr. mariano has never examined him to render a professional opinion, but governor christie should know that the physical exam starts with simple observation. if a patient of his size walks in the room, any doctor begins thinking about all the health problems that are in store for a morbidly obese gentleman such as himself. even any medical student can rattle off at least 10 conditions associated with obesity. let's try:

1. hypertension
2. hyperlipidemia
3. diabetes mellitus
4. coronary artery disease
5. stroke
6. peripheral vascular disease
7. liver disease
8. obstructive sleep apnea
9. cancer (breast, endometrial, or colon, to name a few)
10. arthritis

this story really resonated with me, i guess because i was hoping for more. i was expecting something uplifting. i wanted so much for governor christie to be a role model for our nation to tackle our obesity epidemic. this may be hard to understand, but it truly makes me sad when i see an obese patient because i can only imagine all the complications that will eventually ruin, or end, their life. and then to see a politician attack my profession, to cast doubt on our intentions in voicing our opinions? i commend dr. mariano for having the candor to speak in a constructive manner about governor christie's health and weight. i wish that he had thought the same.

i came out to my closest guy friend in residency last night. i've been meaning to tell him for a few months but with our busy work schedules hadn't had the right opportunity of drinks and alone time away from his wife (not that i don't love his wife but i wanted to make this a one on one thing). anyway after we had gone out with a few other friends and come back to his place there was an opportune lull in the conversation to drop the bomb. turns out he had had a strong suspicion 'cuz a few weekends ago i had conveniently ditched the group because i had to meet up with hook up guy instead and my friend had seen the guy's picture on my phone when i was calling him in my drunken stupor. guess i haven't been doing a good job being discreet about my booty calls.

my friend took it fine as i expected he would. it was just weird, in a good way, to finally have it out in the open.  interestingly he and his wife had already speculated i was homo, mostly on the sole reasoning that i haven't been actively slaying bitches throughout residency as they would expect someone like me too if i were a straight-blooded male. i thought that was kind of funny. i guess they (rightly) haven't taken me for someone to be a sexual prude, so they thought it was weird that i've never made mention of any sexual conquests. which i said in response to him, is there no room in this world any more for decency and a hookup free life? i guess not...they had also apparently "tested" me by introducing me to one of their single neighbors, and my lack of interest in this woman also added to their circumstantial evidence, never mind the fact that even if were straight i would have had no interest in this female.

(side note: i've been a fan of "the new normal" and while it plays into a lot of gay stereotypes i think it's still pretty funny. check out this episode regarding "gaydar" and "gay testing". http://www.hulu.com/watch/448320)

anyway we had a nice conversation about me being a fan of dick. as has been some guys' experience with coming out to straight people, he was far more curious about my gay life than i thought he would be. a little more than i was comfortable telling him about to be honest, and this is coming from one of the craziest sexual deviants in the medical world. i guess it is just weird for me to talk about gay stuff with another straight male 'cuz i can't imagine why they would have any interest in our sexual practices. but overall we had a pretty good and interesting conversation and maybe each opened up about personal things we shouldn't have haha.

in all i'm glad it finally happened and most important to me it's not gonna change the dynamic i have with him. one of his college roommates was gay and he has been a dutiful friend in the past and played straight wingman at a few gay bars, but i am politely declining any offers for him to do the same for me now haha. i'm sure his wedding ring would make him a popular target too!

what up all
i've been working nights lately which if you've never had to work nights before, feels like your soul is slowly getting sucked out of you. luckily i only have one night left before i return to the land of the living. anyway i found this quiz off someone on facebook as i was trying to kill some time. i know everyone's done about a zillion of these at some point but it's always fun to do them and be analyzed. here's the link and my results below.

https://www.archetypeme.com/

before i start, i have to make this side note because i promised this person i would update the blog world on him and i haven't found a good post to do it so i'll just throw it out randomly. some of you may have followed  Bi PNW dude for the short but sweet time he was with the gay/bi/closeted blog world. unfortunately he stopped posting for a variety of reasons, but he and i became friends outside of the blog and still talk pretty regularly. anyway i got his ok to update yall on his life a little in case you were wondering what happened to him. fortunately he didn't die in a tragic accident, but since he stopped blogging he went and found a boyfriend whom he is very happy with. they have actually moved in together and will live happily ever after, so  you can breathe a sigh a relief that he's alright. i told the bastard to just write an update himself but he's making me be his bitch for him...so there you have it.



ok guys, here is the story of my first time having sex with another guy. it's been awhile since i've written anything R or NC-17 rated on here and i'll try my best to make it sexy, although in all actuality it was not really a sexy experience. also, i was drunk at the time so some of the details have started to obscure with time. but this is the best retelling of my first time with my guy.

it was about two months into second year of medical school, the end of september 2008. we had just finished a course block and taken the final exam and of course that meant party time. usually after exams we have a big post-exam party that everyone goes to. for this post-exam it was a party being held at one of the medical fraternities. now medical fraternities are not like frats in undergrad. mostly it's just something people joined so they could get to live in the frat house and get cheap rent. some of the frats were more active than others and hosted events and stuff like that but for the most part it's not anything like crazy undergrad frats.

anyway, one of the frats was throwing this annual party that all years are invited to. it was one of the bigger annual events that my school had, and so it happened to also double as our second year post-exam. me and a few of my friends went to it and did the usual hanging and boozing. it was a good time and we ended up getting invited by some classmates over to one of the other medical frats to hang out. it was turning out to be a pretty fun night and it was nice to mingle with some people from other classes at both the parties. i had a nice buzz going. it was getting late and people were starting to disperse. one of my good friends had already gone home but i wanted to bug him and hang out some more and enjoy my buzz. even though we had been friends for just over a year, i had only gone to his apartment once. i guess he was kind of a private guy about his apartment. but i was drunk and i wanted to hang out with him so i called him up and he said yea just come over. he asked me if i remembered where he lived and i said yes i do even though honestly i didn't exactly remember. i figured i would recognize it when i was on the street. i left the frat and made my way over.

it had been raining earlier that night but by now at 1 or 2 am the rain had stopped. his place was only a few blocks away. i got to the block where his apt was supposed to be but scanning the buildings i realized i didn't remember which one it was. i walked up and down trying to trigger my memory and for whatever reason i was too prideful to call my friend and ask him the address. well clearly i wasn't getting anywhere staring at the buildings.

i was about to give up and just call him up and tell him i was lost when a guy came up and asked if he could borrow my phone. he said he had left it at his friend's place and had lost track of his friends during the night so he wanted to call his phone to see if they were back yet. i said sure go ahead and handed over my phone. i was still drunk and feeling friendly so i started chatting with him after he tried unsuccessfully to call his phone. we were just making small talk about what we had been up to that night. this guy was a little shorter than me, maybe 5'7, slim built. he was dressed trendy and i guessed by the way he talked he was gay. not that i had a type at this point, but he wasn't a guy i would be interested in today. i guess he would be categorized as a trendy feminine twink if he had to be labeled. but we were having a fun talk and it's not like i knew where i was going anyway so i was content to kill time and make a new friend.

he was naming some of the places he had been to with his friends and i didn't recognize most of them so i asked. he said they were gay bars and was surprised i didn't know them. i laughed and told him i wasn't gay so that's why i didn't know them. he looked at me kind of surprised--i guess i triggered his gaydar? we made more small talk about the bars and i told him i was always curious what it would be like to go to a gay bar. he asked me if i had ever been with a guy and i told him no. again he looked at me quizzically and i thought it was funny that he kept giving me these looks. so i told him that even though i wasn't gay, i always wanted to try messing around with a guy but the opportunity had never presented itself.

once i said that the guy looked at me with a little mischievous smile, grabbed my hand, and said "follow me". i was nervous about where he was taking me but i was still buzzed so i went along with him. we walked down a few streets until he found a dark side alley. he pulled me into it. my heart was racing. i could barely start forming the words to ask him what he was doing when he pulled down my jeans in one swift motion and exposed my cock to the cold night air. i couldn't process what was going on. here was this guy i had known for all of 15 minutes and now he was kneeling hungrily in front of my crotch. he looked up at me once, then placed his mouth on my cock. his warm mouth on my dick felt great and i quickly stiffened in his mouth. but as good as it felt, i was very cognizant that we were rather exposed in this alleyway. i kept looking nervously down towards the main street expecting at any point for someone to stumble upon us. at the same time i was thrilled that i was getting a blow job for the very first time by a guy and the excitement was coursing through me. i had always wondered whether a blow job from a guy would be better than from a girl, and while i'd like to say this guy was working wonders and it was the best bj of my life, it honestly wasn't anything to write home about.

he continued sucking me off for a few minutes before coming off my dick. he stood up and tried to kiss me but i ninja dodged him and told him we shouldn't be messing around in public. he asked if we could go back to my apt but i told him i had a roommate. he said he might know a place where we could keep playing so i zipped up and we got out of the alley back into the main street. i was following him but my mind was still numb that this was actually happening. we ended up walking for awhile and we were heading to a rougher part of town that i didn't really know. we came to some building and the guy knocked on it. "a friend's place" he said to me. well no one answered. i asked him what were gonna do now and he said we could try going to his original friend's place. it was back towards where i lived and i was glad to get out of this shady neighborhood. plus by this time the rain had started up again and there was a slight drizzle coming down.

we came up on another dark alley on our way back and this guy dragged me into it. once we were safely in the shadows he pulled my pants down again and resumed sucking my dick. by then though my buzz had started to wear off and i was even more nervous that i was getting blown in some random alley in a part of town i didn't know well. i tried to concentrate on the good feeling but just couldn't stay hard. he picked up on this and got off his knees. he tried to kiss me again but i dodged him and he settled for my neck. he asked me if i wanted to suck his dick. i don't remember what i said. i really didn't want to but i felt like i owed this guy something. he gave me an encouraging look and pushed down on my shoulders, urging me to take the same position he had just been in.

i couldn't believe i was doing this. he unzipped his pants and started pulling out his cock. it was semi hard but slowly boning up in front of my eyes. i stared at it and i was breathing hard. this was my first time directly in front of another man's penis. it was pretty average in size and probably a little skinny on girth. was i really going to suck this stranger's dick? how do i even suck dick? i looked up at him and he was giving me a pleading look as if to say just do it. i took a deep breath in and slowly put my mouth on his dick. it was a strange sensation to have his stiff member in my mouth but it wasn't as unpleasant as i thought it would be. i didn't have any particular technique but i just tried my best to give good suction. he was making small moaning noises so i figured i was doing a good job. i just tried to put any thoughts out of my mind as i worked on his cock. the rain was starting to really come down again and rain water was mixing in with the taste of his cock.

i'm not sure how long i was sucking his cock, probably not long but it felt like forever. he was starting to moan more and was kind of face fucking me. i wanted to stop blowing him but he kept his hands firmly on my head, forcing me to keep his cock in my mouth. i was frustrated that i was doing this and i wanted to get out of the rain. before long though the guy started moaning even louder and said he was gonna cum. i for sure didn't want to swallow this guy's load but i just couldn't get off him. he was face fucking me harder and soon i felt the salty taste of his cum fill my mouth, diluted by the rain water that was coming down on us. i did my best to just swallow and finish him off. he finished cumming and finally i was able to stand up and the guy pulled up his pants and put his dick away. he had a grin on his face and asked if i wanted to cum too. by now i was feeling sick that i had just swallowed this guy's load and i knew i wouldn't be able to get hard at all, let alone cum in this stupid dark alley. i told him no, i was good, let's just go back.

we walked back in silence. we were getting back to my neighborhood and i was feeling more relaxed. we stopped at a street a few blocks from my place. he said we could go back to his friend's place to hang out, but it was a half-hearted invite and at this point i wanted more than anything to go home so i politely declined. we made some awkward small talk and the guy put his number in my phone and told me to hit him up again sometime. i don't even remember his name anymore..i think it started with an s or something that was towards the end of the alphabet. we parted ways and i finally got back to my apartment. i went to my room and just tried to put together everything that happened.

i had just gotten blown by another guy. i had just had another man's penis in my mouth. i had just swallowed another man's cum. paranoia started setting in and i started wondering what if this guy had an STD? what if he had HIV? fuck what the hell did i just do? i started to feel sick again. i went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. the more i thought about it the sicker i felt. i wanted to get this man's cum out of me. i needed to get this man's cum out of me. i leaned over the toilet and tried to get myself to vomit. i stuck a finger down my throat and gagged but couldn't get myself to throw up. i so desperately wanted to get that load out of me. i kept trying to make myself throw up and finally i succeeded in getting a good reflex out, but i only managed to puke a little anyway. i knew it was too late and i felt defeated and stupid for trying to make myself throw up this guy's cum.

i tried going to bed and push out all the thoughts racing through my mind. as disgusted as i was with myself with what had happened, i was also exhilarated that i had had my first male sexual experience. it wasn't a great one but i had finally let myself experience something that i had been afraid of doing for a long time. i had just opened the flood gates to my desire for men that i had been increasingly trying to repress. i knew i wanted more.



OK that's it. hopefully you found the story interesting. whenever i think back on it, i'm always surprised that my first time with a guy just happened completely randomly, in an alley in the rain no less. i wonder if i would have had the courage to seek out a man on my own if this guy hadn't gotten to me first. i had been thinking more and more about men leading up to this, but i don't know if i would have ever acted on my feelings if i didn't have this push. well, i guess it doesn't matter because it happened and here i am today!

this turned out to be pretty long thanks for reading. if you want to share the story of your "first time" feel free i'd love to hear it.

Fraternity Memoirs

i started reading these stories as recommended by fellow blogger TwoLives and i thought i'd recommend it to yall. it's a story of a former frat guy recounting pledging a frat his freshman year and the beginnings of his sexual attraction and experiences with other men. i initially was just skimming through it to get to the smutty stuff we all love, but i actually started reading them just for the story of this young college-guy coming to terms with his sexuality. obviously we've all been there and while my experiences weren't as young or nearly as hot, it brought me back to that time when being with a man was new, exciting, confusing, scary, and everything in between. yes it's a story of beautiful people having beautiful sex with each other (the author even describes his frat as the kind filled with AF models and jocks) but the underlying theme of having this burgeoning sexuality and not knowing what to do about it is there.

i'm not really sure why i've taken such a liking to the memoirs. on their own, they are well-written. but reading them just seems to evoke all these unresolved feelings in me. i'm not sure what it is. maybe it's a bit of sadness that i missed out on something similar in college. i had my share of fun in college but there was always that pre-med cloud of responsibility around me. i mean i've felt like i've had that cloud around me my whole life. sometimes i feel like i've gotten so wrapped up in being a doctor that i missed all the experiences that everyone else seems to have along the way. even now as i'm going through residency, i'm looking around at my other friends who are now getting married/having kids/otherwise enjoying life and i'm like wait, i want that too! what the fuck am i doing! so i guess in a way reading these makes me pine a bit for lost youth and also my current day-in, day-out life. everyone likes to shit on doctors nowadays but we've sacrificed a lot to get to where we are to take care of you, the patient. and i can't help thinking i've been missing the right train all these years.

besides taking me back to college, it unfolds to be a sweet story of first male love. there's no way you can read about his first time being with a guy and not think back to your own first time. i think it's like a gay rite of passage to always remember your first or few times with another guy. and the electricity of the writing is much better than any standard gay porn you could watch. some of you might read the stories and roll your eyes that this is some wishful-minded guy's fantasy, but life is always stranger than fiction and i could imagine that if these stories aren't 100% true, probably a variant of them has happened in some guy's life.

actually i've always been curious what the real "pledge" and "frat" experience is like (anybody who is/was a frat guy feel free to email me about the real life of it..and sorry if was is a bad term..once a frat guy always a frat guy?) yes i like the gay part about the stories, but i've always found fraternity, brotherly camaraderie, and team sports a fascinating subject.

while i've been popular enough throughout life, i've always held people at a bit of a distance from me. i certainly don't know whether i could ever call a group of non-blood guys brothers, but reading the pledge process, i could see how that happens. to be honest i've been slightly jealous that people could make such strong connections. i want to be in that connection, not the outsider looking in. i've never understood it, but i've yearned for it. i do have friends whom i love but i don't know if i've felt that bond between friends that so many other people seem to have. maybe it's a product of my upbringing (details i won't go into in this post) that i keep everyone emotionally distant. who knows. it's funny because i like to think i am a very emotionally warm person and i am extremely loyal and would really do anything for a good friend. but at the same time i have this disconnect and i don't think i've ever understood true male friendship. a frat might have been good for me.

anyway that's just a sampling of the stuff these stories brought out in me. i could expound more but i feel like i'm subjecting you guys to madman's personal psychotherapy sessions. the stories are actually pretty old, originally written around ~2001. the guy's handle has a 76 in it so i assume he was somewhere around ~24 when he wrote them, having gone to college in the mid/late 1990s, and pegging him at 36 now. at least as far as i've read i would definitely say this guy is more gay than bisexual. i wonder about how he turned out. did he end up suppressing his gay side and marry a woman? did he come to realize that he just wanted to be with men? has he happily been with a man for several years now? whatever ended up happening to the author, i hope he's happy out there, as everyone deserves to be.

read a few of the memoirs and tell me what you think. i hope i'm not the only one who got stirred up by these tales.

(by the way, the memoirs reminded me that i have never shared with you readers my first time with another guy. as a rite of passage, i'll have to make that my next post.)