I recently got suggested the idea of listening to audiobooks and I have pretty much found it an amazing revelation. Usually I just listen to music on the way to work which is all fine and good, but the idea of actually listening to something useful on my daily commute is an intriguing and productive idea.

My first audiobook so far is Bossypants by Tina Fey. She is an amazing comedian and I have been looking very forward to going to work every morning just to hear another chapter of the book.

Anyway, she brings up a few serious thought-provoking points throughout her book. One of the earlier ones was the idea of when she 'first felt like a woman'. There was some survey done with a group of women and apparently most women responded they first felt like a woman when some dude yelled something nasty at them from a car.

Interpret that how you like, but that got me thinking about when I first "felt like a man". And scanning my memories, I felt like I couldn't really pinpoint any particular moment. I went through all the usual life milestones, but it's like none of them really made me feel like a MAN.

There are all the sexual and pubertal ones and those I went through and I remember thinking at the time 'this is happening' or 'this is it?', but afterwards, though expecting some profound life-changing feeling, it didn't happen.

And then there are all the ones related to life and academic achievement and of course as Tina Fey points out, none of those are worthy of validating my existence as a man. Obtaining an education? Overrated.

Even now, as a chronologically grown man with an actual professional career, I'm not sure I can say I feel like a man. Sure, in my line of work I have done countless things to patients that have violated pretty much any semblance of their personal privacy, but none of that makes me feel like a man. (and thank goodness for that. "I first felt like a man, when I gave my first rectal exam to an 80-year old man!" No thanks.) I have broken the worst kind of news and had serious discussions about things I never thought I'd be capable of, but while there are days I do feel validated that I am a legit doctor, my career for the most part has not influenced how I personally view myself.

I guess this is to say I am still waiting for that breakthrough moment when something in my brain kicks and I truly feel like my balls have dropped and my voice has broken two octaves. Maybe this all has to do with being in the closet and I feel so child-like because there is a whole side of me I have tried to repress from the world for my whole life, and the moment I am really open to the world as a gay man, then will I feel like a complete and total bonafide bad-ass.

Or maybe not. People keep talking about how men (well let's call them males) of my generation go through their 20s without this sense of purpose and live in this perpetual state of childhood 'cuz of the way society is nowadays and all that. I mean, I definitely get that. I have a good group of friends back home, that though I love them to death, could probably fit that categorization. I could probably fit that categorization.

About the only time I really could say I started to feel like a man was back in 8th grade. One of my friends was having a pool party and all my usual group of friends was there. We were just horsing around in the pool and then one kid, who was ostensibly the coolest kid in our group and probably our entire school, noticed I had started growing armpit hair. He started teasing me about it and wrestling me around so he could show it off to everyone in the pool. I'm sure the other guys were equally or farther along on the puberty train as me so I was pretty embarrassed that he was making a big deal about it---BUT at the same time this was the coolest kid in the class paying attention to me.

Now having related this story, I see that I am no different from the scores of women of Tina Fey's book who needed another man to validate their entrance into maturity. Great.

In my defense this just happened to be the earliest vague recollection I have of really entering puberty. But to show you how scientific I have always been, even before the pool incident, when I first noticed I was going through puberty at like age 12, I wanted to see how fast my dick was growing so I would measure my erect penis every month or so to mark my progress. While I do remember what my first measurement was and am pleased to reflect that I have gained several inches since then, I unfortunately lost interest in the experiment a few months in and don't remember my actual penis-growing progress. Kind of a shame cuz I think it would be kinda funny now to look back and see the time velocity it took for me to get to "full-size". Man I'm a dweeb.

Anyway, bottom line is, after all this time, I still feel like I'm missing an essential part of myself that feels like it is a real man in this cold harsh world. I'm not sure if it will ever really click with me, but I sure hope it does. Faithful readers, when was the first time you all felt like a man for the first time? Would love to hear your stories....or know there are others out there who feel like they've missed the boat too!

saw this on ESPN and thought..the question is...how do we get these guys to film a threesome together. haha.

a guy can dream right?

another month, another post..

so it's a beautiful sunday but i'm feeling a bit of the loneliness blues. as another update for you guys i haven't seen my cuddle guy for 2 weeks now. long story short i had his keys to check on his house and a few nights later i texted him to see where he was at. he said he was out so later i thought i would be cute and swing by his place to surprise him when he got back. well as you could imagine from that set up, i found him cuddled up on the couch with another guy. apparently this was a good friend of his from out-of-town, but i dunno how many of you cuddle up naked on the couch with your best friends.

anyway i haven't seen him since. he texted me a few times after that and i actually agreed to meet up with him at least one more time. our schedules haven't worked out so that we could meet up, but yes i'm a softie what can i say. it's not like i've been mr. pure and faithful to him myself. hence the weird part about our relationship. open but not so open. regardless, i think it would be best for us both to move on, so walking in on him was probably the best thing to happen. now i have an excuse to cut him loose and we can both find new guys to have fucked up relationships with. besides the lack of sexual chemistry i've written about, there are just other factors that i won't talk about here that don't make this an ideal relationship. while it's nice to have someone to cuddle with and all that, this pseudo-relationship is just no good really.

since then i've just been living the same ol' routine. work, home, sleep, repeat. out on the weekends to partake in the meat market and realizing how sick i am of it. (not that i don't like admiring the hot guys out there, but i'm usually going out to the straight bars anyway.) i'm seriously not this crumudgeony in real life, but i really wonder if all these 20,30 somethings truly enjoy doing this whole mating thing out in the bar scene every weekend. i personally find it a little tiresome to hear the same stupid journey song every night and pay 10 bucks for a crappy drink, but that's just me. maybe i wouldn't be so bitter if i was taking someone home to fuck at the end of the night.

then there's the whole online thing which i think everyone has their opinion on. i float somewhere in between. not trying to judge people's goals online as myself i don't mind an occasional hot hookup but attempts to find worthwhile dating have also been fruitless. is there some sort of strategy i haven't picked up on to meet either nice normal guys or nice slutty guys online? i'm striking out on all counts.

thus here i am in bed on a sunday blogging about my loneliness blues. i think most of us would agree our only real goal is to find someone to be happy with. unfortunately all those factors to find the right person to be happy with are just so darn nebulous and elusive...but if anyone has any tips on how to meet normal genuine guys please share. the holidays are otherwise a perfect time to wallow in misery.

(speaking of which despite yall's advice i caved and put up my xmas stuff a weekend early. but only cuz i had to work post-tday weekend so i had to do it when i had the chance! luckily no one came by my place pre-T-day to judge me...)

A few things

Alright I have the day off so I thought I should finally tend to my neglected blog with some random thoughts.

Update on my love life. I still see the guy I've written about before once or twice a week. Again, there just isn't a sexual spark though and despite his best efforts, when we get together it's mostly just to curl up on the couch and watch TV then go to sleep. I've never had this situation where I like just hanging/cuddling with a guy, but zero interest in doing anything more than that. Maybe it's cuz he's not a good kisser??? (good kissers get 100% their way with me) Anyway he seems to still like hanging out with me even though he's not getting any so I guess we have an acceptable relationship right now. He actually keeps offering to take me to dinner and go on a real date. I have a busy schedule with work so I keep turning him down, but there is an element of my just not wanting to escalate things with him. Maybe to be fair to him I should just cut things off completely and let him chase another guy. I'm not really sure. We had the whole talk about how I didn't want to be in a real relationship with him in September, but here we are still in this limbo of more than fuck buddies but not anything real. It's weird.

On the other hand, I've been getting my jollies from this guy I met on craigslist back in July. We met up once in July for some fun and since then sporadically hooked up every few weeks. (like very rarely) It seems to have been a little more as of late as we've started to gel. The sex works with him so I'm cool with that. He only is able to meet in the daytime though and with my schedule that makes things hard. I finally got some brains about it and just asked him why he only meets in the day, is he married or something. Well he's not married, but he admitted to being in some sort of relationship. (not sure whether it's with another guy or gal)

I wasn't really sure how I felt about that. If he were married I definitely would have cut things off immediately. I know some guys are turned on by the whole 'closeted married' guy thing, but I have so many things I think is wrong with that, that I wouldn't want to be involve whatsoever in that kind of situation. LTR..ehh not so sure. I still think it's fucked up and I'm not trying to be anyone's 'other man', buttttt there are grey zones. My moral compass (which is pretty broken to begin with) doesn't know which way to point for this guy. I should have just never asked..

Bottom line is, I'm not thrilled with this joke of a sex life I have. Still looking for that perfect after-work fuck buddy or just a real, normal boyfriend. My methods for going about either are suspect though and I am tired of cruising grindr and adam4adam. I have been almost tempted to check out one of the gay bars in town, but I definitely don't want to go alone and deal with that awkwardness of looking around for someone to pick up.

Have I gotten closer to being able to admit to the public at large I suck cock? Not really, but I do think I'm moving at glacial speed at getting there. I just can't pinpoint exactly what barrier is greatest for me. There are so many reasons I have to do it, but I just feel like I'm at a standstill. I can be so 'carpe diem' one day and then so 'backwards anti-progress' the next.

I might be a little late commenting on this, but I ran across this guy in the military (marines?) today while I was catching up on blogs. Apparently he was posting some anonymous videos on youtube and then eventually came out for real once DADT got repealed. Anyway I like him for a few reasons..one he just seems like a normal, humble guy. Definitely wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with him. Has a lot of the same thoughts I do about this whole gay thing. Of course I admire him terribly for being able to come out in the military setting. And I think he's young too, like 21 or something. (he seems older..like in the more mature, good way older) I always cringe and sort of hate myself more when I see positive role models like him who can do this when here I am being a little pussycat. Anyway check out a few of his vids if you haven't already. Plus he looks great in a wifebeater. (and it's ok to objectify him cuz he's gay!)

Simple, powerful message.

His coming out to his dad on the phone. Didn't watch the whole thing, but damn to do that live on youtube is crazy.

Aforementioned wifebeater vid..

As for work..no complaints there. I know people say intern year is rough, but I've also heard people say residency is the best time of your career. I think I could say it's going well overall. I've gotten feedback that I'm doing a good job (which is reassuring 'cuz you always feel like you're fucking up at the beginning) and I am training at a good place and I really see myself making good habits that will follow me throughout my career. So although it's barely halfway through, I think the fact that for the most part I like going to work is a good sign.

OK one more thing..somehow it is the 7th of November already. Is it too early to put up Christmas decorations? I LOVE Christmas and love putting up the tree and all that. But I always respect the Thanksgiving buffer and wait til after T-day to do it. But hell I've always been in school the past few years and never get to enjoy the spirit of xmas decorating so I just wanna do it now. I'm all alone in my apartment anyway and I have no one to judge me if I do.....

Now that I've had a few paychecks and all my money isn't being instantly drained by my credit cards, I'm starting to think about getting a few toys to play with.

Specifically a flesh light.

I've always been really curious about them. I've seen enough vids of guys enjoying themselves with it that I think it'd be worth a shot. Anybody splurge on their own and wanna comment? With all the hours I'm working, my hopes of finding a reliable fuck buddy seem to be sinking further and further, and hey I'm getting bored just working with the good ol' hand. Will a fleshlight blow my mind, and my load?

As a follow-up to my last post, I was out with the friend I mentioned in the last post this weekend. It was after the bars closed and we were on our way home. We were with some other guy and he jokingly mentioned there's the gay bar right there if we wanted to keep partying. Then my friend, whom I've probably hung out the most with since we started working, kinda went off on homos, which really surprised me. He actually said quote "I am the biggest homophobe" or something like that. I was a little drunk myself and don't remember his exact words, but basically he said he can tolerate the existence of fags, but he doesn't want anything to do with them and could never hang out with one ever. Little does he know the coworker he's been going out with all these weeks is as big a fag as you can get.

Anyway I didn't really say anything. The other guy who brought up the gay bar joke in the first place was trying to defend fags (thanks man..not) but wasn't really doing a good job. They were kinda going back and forth so I didn't bother interrupting, but I probably should have got my two cents in. I should have at least asked him the question which I fear the most, "what if you found out one of your good buddies was gay".

Obviously I felt very small as this guy who is one of my best buds now is openly admitting that he wouldn't be friends with me if he knew who I was doing in the bedroom. Ironically enough, later on the way home we're just talking about whatever and he's like, "You know I really like hanging out with you".

.....Yea until you find out I like sucking dick..

I can't decide if this changes my opinion of him. I know we live in this ultra pc world now (especially in the medicine world) and his attitude is not really acceptable, but it would be naive to think we can change whole mindsets. I know his background a little and I know this was just probably the way he was raised. It was just a very weird exchange. We hang out enough that it will probably come up again, so I'll have to speak up more the next time and flesh out his opinion more.

Any thoughts on what I should have said instead? Just come out right there and see what his reaction would be? yea right....

The weird thing about living this whole "straight lie" thing is going out with my male buds. Now I have not really made any friends outside of work here, but I do have a pretty good friendship going with this other resident.

Unfortunately he is as straight as can be. He recently got out of a long-term relationship, and luckily for him the city I’m in is the perfect place for him to go wild and be single. So as we currently have a small circle of friends and not too many residents have the energy to party like we do, I am his de facto wingman. Which is fine because I still like to drink and go out and have a good time, but man my friend is non-stop when it comes to the women. He is generally a nice guy, but he's pretty decent looking, and with his little regional accent, he basically can charm anything with a vagina his way.

 So I, being the dutiful friend, must play the role of the sidekick as I wait for him to pick up some broad to bring home to fuck when we go out. I foresee this becoming a problem as I become more sexually frustrated. Would much rather prefer a copilot to try to score some hot guys to bring home. For now I don't mind because I certainly can appreciate the female anatomy and go along with things, and I just think it's funny how quickly he's going through the women right now. But I dunno it just always leaves the question, can gay guys and straight guys be buds without things getting all weird? Maybe having a gay wingman would actually be better.....?