what's up dudes..
Been awhile since my last post. Sorry about that. I was on a busy service this month and blogging was the last thing on my mind. I'm going onto an easier rotation next month though so I hope to have more free time and all that. I'm settling into this doctor thing pretty nicely. Even though I'm working a lot, I love what I'm doing so I'm not dreading going into work every day. I mean, I'd rather be sleeping in til 1pm and sitting on my ass all day, but it's not bad. I still basically feel like a medical student who gets paid. It's still super weird to see my name on official hospital documentation or call myself Dr. ______, but I'm getting used to it. I was just answering pages and stuff with my first name the first month, but then someone told me I need to start being legit and using my full title so there goes my modesty and my ascent into asshole-dom lol.
Anyway, I'm still seeing the guy I wrote about in my last post. We get together a few times per week as my schedule permits. It's been alright. I'm still not crazy about the sex with him. Also the other night I had to use his phone and it was open to his texts. I got a peek and it looked like he's still been texting other guys and maybe even meeting up with them? I didn't dig too deep as I try not to be a crazy stalker psycho but it was there. I haven't said anything to him and I'm still not even sure how I feel. We never said we'd be exclusive and honestly I've had a few hook-ups this month outside him too, so it'd be hypocritical of me to judge him for messing around. But I'm still not exactly happy about what I found. At least he could suggest a 3some lol.
That's the weird thing about gay relationships, at least the ones I've mucked around in so far. The concept of fidelity is just so vague and it's always fuck first, talk later. So, normal relationship boundaries are all sorts of fucked up from the get go. For once I'd like to just hang out with a guy for a bit before we started boning, really build up that sexual tension you know, and then mutually agree not to fuck around while we're fucking around. I guess the way I've pursued guys so far that kind of situation is not likely to arise. Where are the nice guy-next-door types looking to date? Anyway with this guy I think I might just start tapering things off with him and/or completely cut him loose. I probably need to buckle down and focus more on my job anyway, rather than think about sex 24/7!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Pretty much every field of medicine boils down to whether:
1. will this keep the patient alive
2. will this improve their quality of life
3. will this change management or treatment plans
Despite these maxims, you would be surprised how many OCD people there are in medicine who freak out about every little detail. Obviously if you're the patient, you would want a doctor who micro-manages every last thing and knows everything about you, but when you are on the other side as a colleague working in a team setting, all those TYPE A personalities just means there will be a clashing of heads and inevitable conflict. It's often a case of "too many chefs in the kitchen" or worse "blindly follow the leader". It's actually scary how hierarchical the practice of medicine is (at least on the teaching hospital level). There's a very clear chain of command in decision-making, and you try your best not to rock the boat lest you draw unwanted attention to yourself (especially if you're the intern aka the bottom feeder) . I would almost dare to call it nazi-like. It's definitely very military-like.
Anyway, for the most part I know to just go with the flow, but even my easy-going nature can transform into the hidden hyper-competitive aggressive beast lurking beneath. I am just not into being bullied by others. I grew up in a rather anal-retentive family so I kinda turned into the opposite demeanor 'cuz I saw how useless it was to be super anxious and obsessive about details that really don't matter in the long term. Unfortunately a lot of my colleagues have not quite reached that nirvana. It drives me crazy sometimes! Don't get me wrong I am still pretty OCD but I at least have enough faith in my colleagues that they won't make a decision that will kill the patient. (PS it is very hard to kill a patient..you have to really fuck up to do that) Of course the number one maxim in medicine is
TRUST NO ONE.
It's a strange paradox I work in....
1. will this keep the patient alive
2. will this improve their quality of life
3. will this change management or treatment plans
Despite these maxims, you would be surprised how many OCD people there are in medicine who freak out about every little detail. Obviously if you're the patient, you would want a doctor who micro-manages every last thing and knows everything about you, but when you are on the other side as a colleague working in a team setting, all those TYPE A personalities just means there will be a clashing of heads and inevitable conflict. It's often a case of "too many chefs in the kitchen" or worse "blindly follow the leader". It's actually scary how hierarchical the practice of medicine is (at least on the teaching hospital level). There's a very clear chain of command in decision-making, and you try your best not to rock the boat lest you draw unwanted attention to yourself (especially if you're the intern aka the bottom feeder) . I would almost dare to call it nazi-like. It's definitely very military-like.
Anyway, for the most part I know to just go with the flow, but even my easy-going nature can transform into the hidden hyper-competitive aggressive beast lurking beneath. I am just not into being bullied by others. I grew up in a rather anal-retentive family so I kinda turned into the opposite demeanor 'cuz I saw how useless it was to be super anxious and obsessive about details that really don't matter in the long term. Unfortunately a lot of my colleagues have not quite reached that nirvana. It drives me crazy sometimes! Don't get me wrong I am still pretty OCD but I at least have enough faith in my colleagues that they won't make a decision that will kill the patient. (PS it is very hard to kill a patient..you have to really fuck up to do that) Of course the number one maxim in medicine is
TRUST NO ONE.
It's a strange paradox I work in....
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Is it sad that I'm so behind on doing household chores 'cuz I'm working all the time that I'm keeping things refrigerated to avoid throwing them out? Pretty sure half of the already meager contents of my fridge are rotting, but I don't want to make the time to actually throw all that shit out! As long as it doesn't smell, in the fridge they will stay....
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I've done a lot of crazy shit since I started exploring my gay side, and I probably won't detail everything as I don't want yall to know what a true sexual deviant I really am, but here's a story of a situation I thought I would never be in....
I met this guy on this gay chat site I stumbled across, you know the kind where guys just jerk off on camera. He messaged me first and we just kinda shot the shit with each other and ended up switching skype names. So from time to time we would jerk off with each other on skype and talk dirty to each other, that kind of thing. It was just kinda fun to do that with someone and I didn't think anything would come out of it. He was quite a bit older than me and openly gay but he looked young enough and at least on cam we had decent chemistry. (and he had amazing blue eyes) I think we kept at it skyping for a few months, not that often. He lived in a major city about an hour's flight away so we entertained the idea of actually meeting up. But me being poor I wasn't gonna spring for a flight to visit him. Then one day Southwest had an airflight sale and suddenly a round trip wasn't looking too bad.
So I brought it up to him..he actually kinda dodged my emails for awhile but finally wrote back and said we could try it. He had gotten out of a bad relationship and hadn't actually been dating or doing anything with guys for quite some time and didn't feel quite that comfortable to do this for real, but he said he'd give it a shot. The deal was he'd pick me up at the airport and we'd try a date and if it went well I could stay at his place for the weekend. If not I would make contingency plans with other friends I knew who lived in his city. Which was reasonable..who knew if we'd actually have real chemistry in reality right. So the flight was booked and here I was making this flight up to meet a guy I (essentially) barely knew! Like wtf was I doing? It just kept running through my mind as I was on my way 'this is happening'.
I finally meet him waiting for me at the airport. There's the shock of actually meeting in person and I think we gave each other this awkward hug when we met. He drives me back to his apartment and we make small talk. Get inside his place and continue making small talk. But there's obvious sexual tension the whole time and soon we are getting down to business. It works. We click. I'm definitely staying the whole weekend.
The weekend was just a combination of sex and sleep..or slex as I heard it termed in some random article I read once. Just kind of a perfect lazy weekend of sex and fun with someone I felt like I knew for a long time. We went out to dinner one of the nights and maybe cuz I was in a city where I didn't know anyone, I felt brave enough to grab and hold his hand walking around in public. It felt good...liberating in fact. And he certainly didn't seem to mind. It was just a good weekend. But it came to an end and although we obviously weren't gonna start a long-distance relationship thing, we left on good terms.
We called each other up occasionally after that. I actually don't think we ever skyped again..I think it would have just felt weird to jerk off on camera to each other after having done the real thing. But maybe 4 months after we had met up for real, he cut off contact from me. Total contact. It was weird 'cuz he had actually called me up like normal one day, but I was out with friends or something and told him I'd have to call him back. When I called back a few days later, he didn't pick up, which wasn't so unusual as we did play a lot of phone tag with each other. So I kept trying a few times and left some voicemails..probably bordering on stalker-like. (hey in medicine you have to be very persistent..all medical students are experts in tracking down random obscure bits of information from the medical record)
But I never did hear back from him. I don't know why. I know he still had some hangups from his last relationship and was hurt pretty badly from it, so maybe he was getting too attached to me and didn't want to become emotionally hung up on me too, especially since there wasn't gonna be any foreseeable future. I'm not sure. It would have been nice to get some answers. You'd think an older more experienced guy would be more forthcoming, but I guess not. It just sucked to get the knife from him so abruptly with no explanation. But I'm a big boy and I can handle one rejection. Hopefully it was more his deal than mine. I like to think I'm not insane and nutso..but then the crazy ones never know they are crazy.
Anyway, overall it was just a crazy experience and I still can't believe I went from an online chat room to being in the guy's actual bed hundreds of miles away. It was a really fun weekend and we had great chemistry so I don't regret that part. Like a lot of life though, I guess we were just in the wrong place and the wrong time in our lives.
I met this guy on this gay chat site I stumbled across, you know the kind where guys just jerk off on camera. He messaged me first and we just kinda shot the shit with each other and ended up switching skype names. So from time to time we would jerk off with each other on skype and talk dirty to each other, that kind of thing. It was just kinda fun to do that with someone and I didn't think anything would come out of it. He was quite a bit older than me and openly gay but he looked young enough and at least on cam we had decent chemistry. (and he had amazing blue eyes) I think we kept at it skyping for a few months, not that often. He lived in a major city about an hour's flight away so we entertained the idea of actually meeting up. But me being poor I wasn't gonna spring for a flight to visit him. Then one day Southwest had an airflight sale and suddenly a round trip wasn't looking too bad.
So I brought it up to him..he actually kinda dodged my emails for awhile but finally wrote back and said we could try it. He had gotten out of a bad relationship and hadn't actually been dating or doing anything with guys for quite some time and didn't feel quite that comfortable to do this for real, but he said he'd give it a shot. The deal was he'd pick me up at the airport and we'd try a date and if it went well I could stay at his place for the weekend. If not I would make contingency plans with other friends I knew who lived in his city. Which was reasonable..who knew if we'd actually have real chemistry in reality right. So the flight was booked and here I was making this flight up to meet a guy I (essentially) barely knew! Like wtf was I doing? It just kept running through my mind as I was on my way 'this is happening'.
I finally meet him waiting for me at the airport. There's the shock of actually meeting in person and I think we gave each other this awkward hug when we met. He drives me back to his apartment and we make small talk. Get inside his place and continue making small talk. But there's obvious sexual tension the whole time and soon we are getting down to business. It works. We click. I'm definitely staying the whole weekend.
The weekend was just a combination of sex and sleep..or slex as I heard it termed in some random article I read once. Just kind of a perfect lazy weekend of sex and fun with someone I felt like I knew for a long time. We went out to dinner one of the nights and maybe cuz I was in a city where I didn't know anyone, I felt brave enough to grab and hold his hand walking around in public. It felt good...liberating in fact. And he certainly didn't seem to mind. It was just a good weekend. But it came to an end and although we obviously weren't gonna start a long-distance relationship thing, we left on good terms.
We called each other up occasionally after that. I actually don't think we ever skyped again..I think it would have just felt weird to jerk off on camera to each other after having done the real thing. But maybe 4 months after we had met up for real, he cut off contact from me. Total contact. It was weird 'cuz he had actually called me up like normal one day, but I was out with friends or something and told him I'd have to call him back. When I called back a few days later, he didn't pick up, which wasn't so unusual as we did play a lot of phone tag with each other. So I kept trying a few times and left some voicemails..probably bordering on stalker-like. (hey in medicine you have to be very persistent..all medical students are experts in tracking down random obscure bits of information from the medical record)
But I never did hear back from him. I don't know why. I know he still had some hangups from his last relationship and was hurt pretty badly from it, so maybe he was getting too attached to me and didn't want to become emotionally hung up on me too, especially since there wasn't gonna be any foreseeable future. I'm not sure. It would have been nice to get some answers. You'd think an older more experienced guy would be more forthcoming, but I guess not. It just sucked to get the knife from him so abruptly with no explanation. But I'm a big boy and I can handle one rejection. Hopefully it was more his deal than mine. I like to think I'm not insane and nutso..but then the crazy ones never know they are crazy.
Anyway, overall it was just a crazy experience and I still can't believe I went from an online chat room to being in the guy's actual bed hundreds of miles away. It was a really fun weekend and we had great chemistry so I don't regret that part. Like a lot of life though, I guess we were just in the wrong place and the wrong time in our lives.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
nsa
I love what I do and all, but my life could be a little more glamorous. I think I've gone to bed before 11pm and more like 10pm or earlier for the past few days. Gone are the days of hard drinking late into the night. Even as medical students we managed to find the time to party, but now that I'm expected to act like an adult I can't exactly waltz into work hungover. Besides, the way the scheduling works I get one random day off a week and usually everyone else is working so it's not like I exactly have some drinking buds ready to go. I forgot how extremely depressing it is to go to bed at 9pm on a Friday night when you know the whole world's out there having a blast. So it's been kind of a weird adjustment not to be having much of a life outside the hospital. I think once all my co-interns settle into things more we'll be more willing to go out and have some fun....I hope.
So I dunno if any of you have seen "No Strings Attached" starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. It is a romantic comedy and my excuse for having seen it was 'cuz I saw it on a flight. It was alright as far as those kind of movies, but I actually did kind of relate to Natalie's character. Basically she's this resident doctor (me and my friends could never figure out what specialty she would be in) and she has a friends with benefits thing with Ashton and he falls in love with her but she turns him down at first then realizes she does love him too and blah blah blah you know the rest.
Anyway, before she fell in love with him, her situation made total sense to me. All I could really use right now is a good fuck buddy..someone I could call up after a long day of work, have some fun with, then kick out the door in a hurry 'cuz before I get to sleep for another day of work. It sounds pretty selfish, but there's no way I could have a normal relationship right now. I look at my co-interns who are married and I just feel bad for their spouses..I doubt they get much quality time nowadays. My life could definitely use a little pseudo-romance. It kinda sucks to be having this great job, making decent money, but coming home to an empty apartment and having no one to enjoy it all with! Is this what people mean when they refer to an "unfulfilled life"? arghhhhh I can feel the sexual frustration building.....I've been cruising a4a for that perfect fuck buddy but I think I am sick of cruising now...
So I dunno if any of you have seen "No Strings Attached" starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. It is a romantic comedy and my excuse for having seen it was 'cuz I saw it on a flight. It was alright as far as those kind of movies, but I actually did kind of relate to Natalie's character. Basically she's this resident doctor (me and my friends could never figure out what specialty she would be in) and she has a friends with benefits thing with Ashton and he falls in love with her but she turns him down at first then realizes she does love him too and blah blah blah you know the rest.
Anyway, before she fell in love with him, her situation made total sense to me. All I could really use right now is a good fuck buddy..someone I could call up after a long day of work, have some fun with, then kick out the door in a hurry 'cuz before I get to sleep for another day of work. It sounds pretty selfish, but there's no way I could have a normal relationship right now. I look at my co-interns who are married and I just feel bad for their spouses..I doubt they get much quality time nowadays. My life could definitely use a little pseudo-romance. It kinda sucks to be having this great job, making decent money, but coming home to an empty apartment and having no one to enjoy it all with! Is this what people mean when they refer to an "unfulfilled life"? arghhhhh I can feel the sexual frustration building.....I've been cruising a4a for that perfect fuck buddy but I think I am sick of cruising now...
Friday, July 15, 2011
sexy doctor
I figured I could use a profile picture, and as I clearly would not use one of myself I decided to be cheesy and searched "sexy doctor" on google images. I figured I would get one of those "Grey's Anatomy" fools but this guy works pretty well for me. I actually am kinda curious if patients ever fantasize about their docs...we are a pretty smart and good-looking bunch! I have still not decided whether or not I want to drop the D-word if I'm trying to pick up someone. Even though I am only a resident, I still feel like it would just lead to trouble, raised expectations, and/or gold diggers. (joke's on them when they find out how much debt I'm in!)
Or maybe I'm just overestimating the pull being a doctor has on the common folk...we are a pretty vain and self-centered bunch.
Or maybe I'm just overestimating the pull being a doctor has on the common folk...we are a pretty vain and self-centered bunch.
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