you might have already seen this video but check it out if you haven't i really like it. (even though i'm pretty over the 'same love' song haha) i feel like i'm somewhere in the first half of the vid but keeping hope i'll make it to the second half.
marry me from elvisdifazio on Vimeo.
http://vimeo.com/88060788
Monday, March 17, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
alcohol has always been my substance use of choice. granted i haven't really tried any of the harder stuff, but i never felt the need to. i've always been perfectly happy throwing a few drinks back and getting wasteyface. i would call my drinking habits through college and med school not much different than the typical binge-drinking young adult, but i did have a reputation at least for always being down for a drink.
some people might have judged my previous drinking habits as harmful but i never thought i had a problem. then one night i was out with classmates per usual and in the conversation one guy brought up his gay uncle and his problems with alcohol. then there was the casual follow up comment that 'oh yea, it's very common for gay men to have alcohol or drug problems'. and i remember thinking at the time, 'hey that's kind of a sweeping generalization'. but then there i was, a closet case with a drink in my hand planning on getting much more trashed before the night was done. and then i wondered, 'is there any truth to what he's saying?'
in the velvet rage, the author touches on gay men using substances and other activities to deal with the internalized shame of being gay, in what is otherwise known as a "process addiction". this includes things like alcohol, drugs, sex, and gambling, to name a few things, but any coping mechanism turned unhealthy could become one's "process". the process then becomes a way to manage unwanted emotion or regulate one's mood until one can't live without it or at least the pursuit of it.
i didn't realize it, but my binge drinking was just a way to push the unwanted feelings of my attraction to men aside. at the same time though, it acted as a gateway to my sexuality. when i drank, i could be free of all the crazy fucked up thoughts and worries i had about being drawn to other men that i had when i was sober. and better yet, when i was sufficiently drunk, my inhibitions were lowered enough where i could feel free to pursue what i really wanted. when i was drunk, i felt free to hit up a fuck buddy for a blowjob or stumble into a gay bar and make eyes at another horny man to take me home to fuck. alcohol was my emotional viagra, and i used it to get up and release my sexual desire for men.
of course, in my sober hours i still had my hookup addiction that i've written about before, but alcohol just made it that much easier. i could throw back drinks with my classmates and pretend that everything was fine, and then once the bars were closing and everyone had gone their own ways, i could go and feed my lust for men in my drunken stupor. what i thought was just normal 20-something year old binge drinking was really a sign of a deeper problem i had with accepting myself.
as i've become more open with my sexuality and not being ashamed of who i am, i've noticed my desire to get flat out wasted has declined. that urge to go and get completely shitfaced just isn't there anymore. yes, i've gotten older, and here in residency my circle of friends have changed, but something else inside has shifted that i don't feel the need to get wasted to get what i want. i don't need alcohol to release that part of me i was scared of for so long. i'm not using it to hide who i am or to let down the walls i used to be afraid of.
it's taken me a long time to get to this point and come to this realization. i wonder how many other gay or closeted men have had similar paths with "process addictions". i suspect a fair number. it's really sort of an insidious thing and you either don't realize it/are in denial or know what you're doing but can't help it. it sucks.
don't get me wrong, i still very much enjoy throwing back a few drinks and getting a good buzz, but the level of self-destructive behavior i was shooting for before with my drinking is (i think) now gone. i feel liberated that i no longer feel trapped by the behaviors and processes i was using to hide from myself.
some people might have judged my previous drinking habits as harmful but i never thought i had a problem. then one night i was out with classmates per usual and in the conversation one guy brought up his gay uncle and his problems with alcohol. then there was the casual follow up comment that 'oh yea, it's very common for gay men to have alcohol or drug problems'. and i remember thinking at the time, 'hey that's kind of a sweeping generalization'. but then there i was, a closet case with a drink in my hand planning on getting much more trashed before the night was done. and then i wondered, 'is there any truth to what he's saying?'
in the velvet rage, the author touches on gay men using substances and other activities to deal with the internalized shame of being gay, in what is otherwise known as a "process addiction". this includes things like alcohol, drugs, sex, and gambling, to name a few things, but any coping mechanism turned unhealthy could become one's "process". the process then becomes a way to manage unwanted emotion or regulate one's mood until one can't live without it or at least the pursuit of it.
i didn't realize it, but my binge drinking was just a way to push the unwanted feelings of my attraction to men aside. at the same time though, it acted as a gateway to my sexuality. when i drank, i could be free of all the crazy fucked up thoughts and worries i had about being drawn to other men that i had when i was sober. and better yet, when i was sufficiently drunk, my inhibitions were lowered enough where i could feel free to pursue what i really wanted. when i was drunk, i felt free to hit up a fuck buddy for a blowjob or stumble into a gay bar and make eyes at another horny man to take me home to fuck. alcohol was my emotional viagra, and i used it to get up and release my sexual desire for men.
of course, in my sober hours i still had my hookup addiction that i've written about before, but alcohol just made it that much easier. i could throw back drinks with my classmates and pretend that everything was fine, and then once the bars were closing and everyone had gone their own ways, i could go and feed my lust for men in my drunken stupor. what i thought was just normal 20-something year old binge drinking was really a sign of a deeper problem i had with accepting myself.
as i've become more open with my sexuality and not being ashamed of who i am, i've noticed my desire to get flat out wasted has declined. that urge to go and get completely shitfaced just isn't there anymore. yes, i've gotten older, and here in residency my circle of friends have changed, but something else inside has shifted that i don't feel the need to get wasted to get what i want. i don't need alcohol to release that part of me i was scared of for so long. i'm not using it to hide who i am or to let down the walls i used to be afraid of.
it's taken me a long time to get to this point and come to this realization. i wonder how many other gay or closeted men have had similar paths with "process addictions". i suspect a fair number. it's really sort of an insidious thing and you either don't realize it/are in denial or know what you're doing but can't help it. it sucks.
don't get me wrong, i still very much enjoy throwing back a few drinks and getting a good buzz, but the level of self-destructive behavior i was shooting for before with my drinking is (i think) now gone. i feel liberated that i no longer feel trapped by the behaviors and processes i was using to hide from myself.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
thanks to yall who showed up to the group chat the other night. (even the ones who showed up for a second then left haha) it was a different experience and it was fun talking with some of you readers. i saw a brief appearance by 'closet med' (i think) before the official chat started so i wanted to say to him if he's reading he should go back and update us! also a shout out again to my international readers especially the ones in brasil. not planning another chat anytime soon but we shall see...
anyway as you might remember, i was obsessed with the 2012 london olympics. i think i watched it every night. i've never been a big fan of the winter olympics (too many layers, not enough skin) but this year i'm into it. so i will be keeping an eye out for those hot olympic athletes to watch.
so far i have a crush on john daly. he is just so damn cute. he and steve langton (his training partner, in the last pic and far left in the 2nd pic) make a cute couple.
also had to do a double take at how good shaun white is looking now. i always remember him as this goofy kid with crazy hair, but the way he's doing his hair these days he's looking damn sharp.
if you've had your eye on any sochi athletes let me know who to look out for.
anyway as you might remember, i was obsessed with the 2012 london olympics. i think i watched it every night. i've never been a big fan of the winter olympics (too many layers, not enough skin) but this year i'm into it. so i will be keeping an eye out for those hot olympic athletes to watch.
so far i have a crush on john daly. he is just so damn cute. he and steve langton (his training partner, in the last pic and far left in the 2nd pic) make a cute couple.
also had to do a double take at how good shaun white is looking now. i always remember him as this goofy kid with crazy hair, but the way he's doing his hair these days he's looking damn sharp.
if you've had your eye on any sochi athletes let me know who to look out for.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
hey guys
live chat today will be at 9.30 eastern time. i set up the chat room and i will just have it hanging around til go time. check back if the link doesn't seem to be working or if we get kicked off in the middle of the chat. looking forward to talking with some of you guys.
http://tinychat.com/a5nflq
live chat today will be at 9.30 eastern time. i set up the chat room and i will just have it hanging around til go time. check back if the link doesn't seem to be working or if we get kicked off in the middle of the chat. looking forward to talking with some of you guys.
http://tinychat.com/a5nflq
Saturday, February 1, 2014
hey guys
i thought i'd try something new and i'm gonna host a live chat next week. i'll have some questions that i've thought of reading the velvet rage book to get the chat going and we'll just see how it goes from there.
chat time will be THURSDAY FEBRUARY 6TH 9.30PM EASTERN TIME. i figured that would be the best time to not be too late for east coast and too early for west coast.
i'm looking for options on how to set up a free chatroom that will be easy for users to jump in. i've found a few sites that let you set up a chat room pretty easily but i dunno if i can keep the room going that long in advance. so i will plan to post the final link to the chat room on thursday at least about an hour or so before go time if not earlier. expect technical problems though haha. hope to see a few of yall there!
i thought i'd try something new and i'm gonna host a live chat next week. i'll have some questions that i've thought of reading the velvet rage book to get the chat going and we'll just see how it goes from there.
chat time will be THURSDAY FEBRUARY 6TH 9.30PM EASTERN TIME. i figured that would be the best time to not be too late for east coast and too early for west coast.
i'm looking for options on how to set up a free chatroom that will be easy for users to jump in. i've found a few sites that let you set up a chat room pretty easily but i dunno if i can keep the room going that long in advance. so i will plan to post the final link to the chat room on thursday at least about an hour or so before go time if not earlier. expect technical problems though haha. hope to see a few of yall there!
Thursday, January 23, 2014
i'm addicted to reading internet comments following news articles. most of them are stupid, nasty, or irrelevant, but i like the opportunity to peer into the minds of people reading the same stuff as me. several months ago i read one user comment that recommended that every gay man read The Velvet Rage. there was no explanation why, but i figured hey, i'm gay too, and i put it on my note list.
flash forward to january 2014. i'm trying to clean up my list of things to do and here is this random book, the full title of which is The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World. i look it up on amazon and check out the intro which is available to preview. ok, sounds like typical melodramatic gay sexuality stuff until the author writes:
"Very few of us feel the shame, but almost all of us struggle with the private belief that 'if you really knew the whole, unvarnished truth about me, you would know that I am unlovable.'"
yikes. bingo, that's me. time to order this book.
the book arrives last night. i read the first 30 pages and nothing too strongly connects. yes some of it perhaps fits for me the way a pisces' horoscope fits me on any given day. (i'm a gemini) the author starts by writing in broad generalizations about the experience of "growing up gay", which honestly some of the strokes i felt were borderline offensive and i'm less convinced this is going to be a worthwhile read.
tonight though i got to the meat of the book. (fortunately it's an easy read) here i realized the author in his experience treating gay men in various stages of life and coming out is on to something. i haven't finished the book, but many of the stories and points the author makes reflects a lot of what i have read from other bloggers and experienced with the different men in my life.
bottom line is, i think that whatever you identify yourself as, if you are a man and have ever found yourself romantically or sexually interested in another man, you should read this book. something will hit home for you. i haven't read the entire thing to determine whether this will be radically life-changing, but hey why not.
i've included pictures of the first few pages of the chapter that really started to make sense to me. i didn't post the entire chapter but this will give you a taste for what this book is about. apologies if this is some sort of copyright infringement, but i wanted to get this out there for some men who might be too afraid to seek this out on their own. tell me what you think.
flash forward to january 2014. i'm trying to clean up my list of things to do and here is this random book, the full title of which is The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World. i look it up on amazon and check out the intro which is available to preview. ok, sounds like typical melodramatic gay sexuality stuff until the author writes:
"Very few of us feel the shame, but almost all of us struggle with the private belief that 'if you really knew the whole, unvarnished truth about me, you would know that I am unlovable.'"
yikes. bingo, that's me. time to order this book.
the book arrives last night. i read the first 30 pages and nothing too strongly connects. yes some of it perhaps fits for me the way a pisces' horoscope fits me on any given day. (i'm a gemini) the author starts by writing in broad generalizations about the experience of "growing up gay", which honestly some of the strokes i felt were borderline offensive and i'm less convinced this is going to be a worthwhile read.
tonight though i got to the meat of the book. (fortunately it's an easy read) here i realized the author in his experience treating gay men in various stages of life and coming out is on to something. i haven't finished the book, but many of the stories and points the author makes reflects a lot of what i have read from other bloggers and experienced with the different men in my life.
bottom line is, i think that whatever you identify yourself as, if you are a man and have ever found yourself romantically or sexually interested in another man, you should read this book. something will hit home for you. i haven't read the entire thing to determine whether this will be radically life-changing, but hey why not.
i've included pictures of the first few pages of the chapter that really started to make sense to me. i didn't post the entire chapter but this will give you a taste for what this book is about. apologies if this is some sort of copyright infringement, but i wanted to get this out there for some men who might be too afraid to seek this out on their own. tell me what you think.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
i am a serial grindr checker. not that i have much going on on that app or any similar app, but i love the thrill of checking out who's on when i'm in different areas and even if i'm at home hoping that some fresh meat will stumble into my range and start something up. most of the time though i'm just admiring the slew of hard pecs and 6-pack abs that are on there. occasionally there will be a guy that really catches my attention though and even better he'll have a link to his social media.
i was being my usual creeper self and stalking one such hot guy who linked up to his instagram which in turn was linked up to his facebook. now i don't know if i'm the only person to whom this has happened, but following this guy turned into a rabbit hole of checking out countless more hot, hard-bodied gay men whose cocks i would have in my mouth in an instant if i could.
this brought up a few points to me: 1. why is it that hot guys are always friends with other hot guys but 2. after looking through this initial guy's pictures, i deduced that he was in a relationship with a guy not unlike myself. they had several cute pictures together doing various couple-type things and on quite a few vacations. and this guy, whom i was clearly diligently digitally stalking at this point, was definitely my type in every way.
which led me to wonder, why the heck was i not the boyfriend he was posing with in selfies? knowing nothing about this guy other than i would love to jump in bed with him, i still felt a strange mix of envy and anxiety and sadness. here was this hot guy with his hot boyfriend living what looks to be a fabulous life. and both of whom could be my peers as far as age, and here i am at home being a slob in front of the tv watching amy poehler and tina fey on the golden globes drooling over these guys i'll never meet. good lord what a sad existence!
maybe these are emotions single people usually feel when they have time to think and fester and be lonely, but honestly i'm usually so busy i'm not thinking about that. but at the end of the day, i am pretty domestic and despite my previous high-slutting ways, i'd love nothing more than to settle down with one man and make him happy.
the interesting thing about having this blog is getting to realize there are a whole bunch of normal guys out there who happen to like guys too. but lacking venues to really meet similar men in real life, we resort to these online sites and apps where each guy is a disposable trading card to the next. real chemistry though, much harder to find.
i was being my usual creeper self and stalking one such hot guy who linked up to his instagram which in turn was linked up to his facebook. now i don't know if i'm the only person to whom this has happened, but following this guy turned into a rabbit hole of checking out countless more hot, hard-bodied gay men whose cocks i would have in my mouth in an instant if i could.
this brought up a few points to me: 1. why is it that hot guys are always friends with other hot guys but 2. after looking through this initial guy's pictures, i deduced that he was in a relationship with a guy not unlike myself. they had several cute pictures together doing various couple-type things and on quite a few vacations. and this guy, whom i was clearly diligently digitally stalking at this point, was definitely my type in every way.
which led me to wonder, why the heck was i not the boyfriend he was posing with in selfies? knowing nothing about this guy other than i would love to jump in bed with him, i still felt a strange mix of envy and anxiety and sadness. here was this hot guy with his hot boyfriend living what looks to be a fabulous life. and both of whom could be my peers as far as age, and here i am at home being a slob in front of the tv watching amy poehler and tina fey on the golden globes drooling over these guys i'll never meet. good lord what a sad existence!
maybe these are emotions single people usually feel when they have time to think and fester and be lonely, but honestly i'm usually so busy i'm not thinking about that. but at the end of the day, i am pretty domestic and despite my previous high-slutting ways, i'd love nothing more than to settle down with one man and make him happy.
the interesting thing about having this blog is getting to realize there are a whole bunch of normal guys out there who happen to like guys too. but lacking venues to really meet similar men in real life, we resort to these online sites and apps where each guy is a disposable trading card to the next. real chemistry though, much harder to find.
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