Sonnet 116.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds 
Admit impediments. Love is not love 
Which alters when it alteration finds, 
Or bends with the remover to remove: 
O no! it is an ever-fixéd mark 
That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 
It is the star to every wand'ring barque, 
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken 
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle’s compass come: 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 
   If this be error and upon me proved, 
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

would i want to be straight? the question has popped into my mind every now and again and was a discussion point in the 'weekend' movie, which has made me think about it more the past few weeks. i think i've come to the conclusion that i wish i could be straight, but in the same way i wish that i could win the lottery, or be an olympic athlete, or drive a ferrari to work. being straight would be a nice luxury in life but i'm fine with being gay.

i know some of you are probably scandalized that i would dare wish to be straight and renounce liking dick, but being straight would make life so much simpler. look at all the angst in this blog about coming to grips with being gay. look at all the other blogs about men dealing with the same thing. isn't it weird that we are so mixed up and lost and alone on this journey that we have to turn to the internet to find some bonds and community. i doubt there's quite a straight equivalent to this blog community of closeted/semi-closeted men.

wouldn't it be nice if i could tell my mom truthfully when she asks why i don't have a girlfriend is because i'm just a loser with bad game, not because i'm a loser with bad game who also only really plans to bring home a boyfriend one day. wouldn't it be nice if i could go out with my buds and try to chase after women with them like a normal dude instead of secretly checking out grindr on the side. wouldn't it be nice if i knew that some day i'll be a dad if only i found the right woman to have kids with (having kids being one of my absolute goals in life), and not have to also worry about finding the right male partner and then going through some crazy adoption process eventually. wouldn't it be nice if the last 4 years of my life wasn't preoccupied with coming to terms with being homosexual like it has been?

i think it would be. maybe these wishes are all just the sound of a guy who still hasn't accepted himself as being gay, but honestly i think i have. i will always and forever want to be with a man, have sex with a man, fall asleep next to a man, love and cherish a man, and i'm 100% ok with that. in fact, i can't wait until i find that man. i still think life would have been easier, simpler and just as fulfilling if i were just...straight. people always say "oh i would never take back doing 'x' because then 'y' would have never happened." the reality is, as long as that other path didn't lead to your imminent death, you probably would have been just fine and none the wiser. maybe one day i'll look back on this time of my life and laugh at all the emotional turmoil i had as i'm driving down pacific coast highway with my amazing perfect boyfriend, but right now, i just feel like it (being gay) has been something more like a nuisance. am i completely unforgivable for wanting this? life has enough curveballs as it is, and the sexuality curveball is just one in the lineup i would have preferred to have not had to hit.

another one of my manic sporadic updates...here goes guys.

may was an insane month. i was on the hardest rotation of the year and i could not wait for the month to be over. life basically consisted of work, sleep, work, sleep, work sleep repeat ad infinitum. i've been pretty lucky in that i've had a pretty good intern year; i've loved or at least tolerably enjoyed going to work all year, but for once last month i wanted to crawl in a hole never to return. i think part of it was having to work straight nights. while i've worked overnight intermittently throughout the year, i didn't have to do dedicated nights til last month, and boy you'd be surprised how depressed you get when you don't see the sun. anyway there were a few bright spots last month but for the most part, work sucked.

now that i'm back on a normal service though i'm much happier. i can't believe my intern year is coming to a close. i keep thinking back to one year ago and it's so weird to imagine where i was then. i still have a lot of experience and learning to do, but i definitely wonder what dr. me last year really knew about anything.

as far as personal stuff, not much to say on that front. i signed up for okcupid but haven't had anything come out of that. i am so desperate to date but these online avenues just don't seem to be working out for me. the other option i suppose is to prowl the gay bars but i'm not sure that's a good idea either.

i watched "weekend" today which was recommended on closet med's blog and maybe there is hope for meeting mr. right at a club. i knew i had to watch it after it used the antlers song "i don't want love" in the trailer, but i don't have netflix so i did the dishonorable thing and downloaded the movie off a torrent. i owe it a legit viewing at some point but anyway i'm not sure how i feel about the movie in the end.

i think if you're reading this blog you should probably see it. i didn't find it incredibly ground-breaking or moving, but it explored a lot of thoughts i think any typical gay man has probably had on his own at one time or another. and i guess that's the point is that it is just an honest depiction of two regular gay guys who maybe are falling in love with each other. i wonder if perhaps a straight audience just finds it fascinating to delve into this other world of homo love. i also thought the sex scenes were a little too graphic (not that i minded), but maybe that's another point by the writer/director regarding our views of heterosexual vs. homosexual sex scenes. anyway i'd still recommend it because it's been a few hours since i watched and it's still on my mind for a few different reasons. in reality i probably highly identify with the main character...

watching that movie just brought the concept of relationships back to the forefront of my mind. i am so incredibly ready for a relationship. being in hell last month just reminded me that i need someone, something outside of work to make life worthwhile. one of my english teachers said something about marriage just being about having someone to be a witness to your life, and that line always stuck with me. now i just googled that quote and apparently it's from the movie "shall we dance" starring richard gere and j-lo, so i'll just pretend he came up with it on his own or maybe he had prefaced already that that's where he got it from, but i still think that's a pretty powerful concept.

i also remember reading an article with some actor saying the best thing about his wife is that she is someone he would always want to eat lunch with. practical, but so insightful.

a witness to my life, and someone i could eat every meal with. that's what i want.

perhaps more unsettling is that the movie brought to mind a past guy that i've been trying to forget for awhile. while i think love can be instant and it can also be built brick by brick, i hooked up with this guy several years ago and he was just someone that i instantly clicked with. we had amazing chemistry and got along great and i couldn't get enough of him when we first met. he was completely my type and i was his. things broke down though when he wanted to really make a relationship out of our hookups. i was still pretty new with being with guys and he wanted to make a boyfriend out of me. he was completely out though and pressured me about why i was holding back about being out. here i am in 2012 out to 1 whole person so you can imagine how that went over then. we were just in two very different places as far as the gay spectrum was concerned, and there was no way a relationship would work between us. so we called it quits, then oscillated between on and off for awhile until i shut things off completely my last year. he was too much of a temptation. he still texted me a few times after that, maybe innocently, maybe not, but there was just no way i could see him without wanting to rip his clothes off.

more often than not my mind still drifts to him as maybe 'the guy who got away'. what if i were in a different place sexually and completely out when i met him? even now as i'm making baby steps? could we have made something work? could we have been happy together? i've been with enough guys since then, but it's him i always come back to. is that normal? is it just because i actually felt like i had a connection with him, something i haven't really experienced since? i'm not sure. i do know i would love to feel that way about someone else now, but good lord is it hard.

i watch a lot of porn, and while most of the time i'm focused on you-know-what, sometimes that annoying logical side of my brain interrupts my mindless lust. one thought that seems to cross my mind is the drawbacks of having a big porn star-sized dick. i love just watching a nice dick go into those sexy places as much as the next guy, but i wonder what it must be like to be an owner of a well-sized dick.

i am happily average myself, but still have a tendency for random boners despite not being a middle school boy, which can be somewhat of a problem. we intelligent folk in medicine have come up with the term scrub boner to describe the unwanted erections that always seem to occur when you're in scrubs. if you've never worn scrubs before, it is a very flimsy material for hiding a boner. you might as well be wearing nothing, and i've had my share of awkward situations trying to keep scrub boner under wraps. so i must wonder what those men with sizable dicks do when their scrub boner is too much to hide. not that dress pants are much easier to hide a hard cock in. my point is, i find myself plagued too often with disguising my average-sized boner, but i imagine it must be an even bigger nuisance when you've got a snake crawling halfway up your legs. with all the emphasis on size out there i'm sure those well-endowed guys will take the trouble of the occasional random boner, but i dunno, it's gotta be somewhat of a pain in the ass right? (pun intended..ba-dunk)

those willing to share your random boner stories, please do..we all need a little more wood in our lives....

a lot of updates and random thoughts i wanted to share with yall. i've been on vacation but now back to the grind..

1. i went to coachella, which was an amazing experience (and i wasn't even on drugs). damn were there some hot guys there. it made me feel a little old (and i'm only in my mid 20s) and also wonder why every guy but me seems to have a hot gym bod. just out of curiousity, not even lust, i want to ask these guys with perfect bodies if they are just genetically blessed or if they actually work their butt in the gym to get those perfect abs and chests. motivation for me to hit the gym. (yea right)

 2. i was on a night flight to my next vacation destination and i was doing something pretty ordinary like reading the airplane magazine when i had one of those moments. i glanced out the window and was immediately enraptured by this beautiful panaroma of the night sky filled with a million stars i forgot had existed.

adding to the beauty of the moment was this perfect song that i hadn't really paid much attention to before then. a soaring piece that is really an amazing song on its own. the lyrics fit so many things. it's called "Steve McQueen" by M83.

http://www.myspace.com/m83/music/songs/steve-mcqueen-83670177 
(i know i'm linking to myspace like it's 2003 but the song is blocked on youtube)

anyway, i was alternately filled with hope, awe, longing, and reflection. it was one of those moments in which you feel your life bursting open with possibility and you wish you could share it with the world --- or at least someone you love.

3. the rest of my vacation was muy fun. stayed with one of my med school friends and as he was working a lot, explored the city a bit on my own. since i was alone, i took that opportunity to check out the gay bars in town. i wasn't expecting much, but it turned out well.

i've been wanting to dance with another guy for the longest time and i finally got the chance. not like i'm one of those guys who loves to go out and dance (actually i have to be pretty drunk to be forced out there), but i see dancing as essentially foreplay to sex, and i love sex. so, i've always wanted to try dancing with another guy as i always figured it would be way more interesting than dancing with a chick.

and boy it was. i ended up making awkward chatter with this guy and as it turns out we were both interested in each other but had to play that initial game. we went to dance and i'm sure we were pretty scandalous even for gay club standards. at least any wallflowers there could enjoy voyeuring the very clear cock outlines in our jeans as we grinded up on each other. i'll just leave it at that and yall can use your imagination for the rest.

4. i told the first person i'm gay. (besides the men i've been with) i decided to just break the seal and tell a coworker who i knew would be cool with it. it went well...really a very practical discussion as you could imagine between two doctors. the funniest thing i found about the whole thing was all the congratulations i got for coming out. like i really want congratulations for liking cock. while i understand where it was coming from and appreciated the support, it just reinforced how i just don't feel the need to make my sexuality a big thing. surprisingly i didn't have much of an emotional reaction to finally revealing my "big secret". no catharsis, no sense of relief, no weight off my shoulders. it was nice to do it, but should there have been a little more oomph? you tell me. i think part of that lack is that i came out to myself and have been finding that self-acceptance a while ago...which is the hardest thing initially for us closet cases? now it's just a matter of sharing that with the world. i at least have some momentum now and i plan to tell more close coworkers when i get a chance.

also i just wanted to take this chance to shout out to the writer of my double life. among the blogs i read, he's really been the biggest inspiration to me and having him share his experiences about coming out in college has slowly given me the courage to finally take my own baby steps. thanks for taking us on your ride! you've ended up being a great role model.

5. i found out an old fuck buddy from medical school is now HIV+. he got this from a new guy he was dating, long after i had left town. i've tested negative well beyond the window so i'm not worried, but i was shocked to hear the news. in the same time frame i also found out another friend got pregnant, a girl i thought would never be the type to get knocked up so easily. i guess the moral here is, don't think it won't happen to you. ahhhhhh you'd think in the year 2012 we'd come up with better condoms to avoid business like this!

somehow this man has missed my radar for the past few years.

his name is matt bomer and he's the star of some USA show and recently guest starred on glee. i am by no means a gleek (i actually find the show quite annoying if not vile..) but i do like indie music and got linked to their recent cover of gotye that he performed in. so mr. bomer is one of those dang guys who won the genetic lottery and got smokin looks, a great bod, and apparently a pretty good singing voice too.

thankfully it turns out he is gay in real life and he came out recently and has a nice man and some kids already. i'm sure all the ladies who found out were thinking, 'dammit! all the good ones are gay." and to that, i say amen! just do a google images search of him and enjoy...here i'll even link it for you.

hey all
happy easter! a co-worker was talking about taking his kids for an easter egg hunt and that kinda stuff and i was thinking...gee an easter egg hunt sounds kinda fun! i don't think i've done one since i was like 7 but thinking about it the idea seems pretty entertaining...i'm such a dork.

anyway it's been a pretty stressful/busy week or so at work. started a new service with one of those attendings (aka my boss for you non-medical guys) who expects you to know everything and you gotta be on your A game, had to prepare for this lecture i'm giving this week, and i'm taking step 3 tomorrow. i should be in bed already to get ready for this thing but can't get to sleep. with all that going on i've been crazed and sleepless. o yea and i dropped my phone the other day and cracked the screen pretty badly.

first world problems i know but i'll be happy when this week is over and i can take a breather. in some personal life news, i've been seeing the guy i've been intermittently hooking up with since i moved here more often. (recall this was the guy who was fucking arond with me while he was still in another LTR) while our relationship is still based pretty much around the sex, we at least talk with each other more to make it more on a level slightly above 'fuck buddies'. (not that much higher though.) who knows where this will go. is it ever really a good idea to date a known cheater?

in unrelated news, i found out a urology resident i've had a crush on all year has indeed been happily married. there goes my fantasy of him cornering me in a hospital stairway to blow me.