man, crazy how time flies sometimes. i have a few things to update about...so here goes.

first, monday kicks off match week, when all med school seniors find out where they're gonna work, so keep your fingers crossed on our behalf. there's been enough anxiety about this and my strategy has just been to put it out of mind so that's enough about that lol.

second, i have not had a chance to update because i took a few days to go to NEW ORLEANS for mardi gras. needless to say, it was a crazy experience and i have been playing major catch up since getting back. i'm not sure what new orleans is like on a typical weekend, but i must recommend that if you go to new orleans, mardi gras weekend is definitely the time to go. crowds of people, alcohol a plenty, beads upon beads, and lots and lots of fun.

unfortunately as i went with straight friends, i didn't really get a chance to check out the gay bars. i did manage to sneak off on my own one night and checked out a few of the gay bars. i don't know whether it was just the mardi gras season or new orleans at baseline, but there was a fair amount of cock out in public at these places. someone was telling me a black screen over the balcony was put up to shield the public for that reason lol. anyway i won't go into specifics, but i did engage in some public nudity after some encouragement from some new friends. i can confidently say i have never whipped my cock out in such a public forum lol. i did draw the line at giving/receiving head in public, although there were many others who did not have an issue with that. as most patrons and workers did not bat an eye when it did happen, i guess i shouldn't have been such a prude lol.

besides that quick foray into the gay bars, just doing the regular bourbon street stuff with my friends was fun and our livers were all sufficiently exhausted by the end of our trip. i must say i was surprised there wasn't more titty flashing as that was my general idea of mardi gras. i guess ladies WON'T do just anything for some plastic beads. overall though new orleans was awesome to visit and i would love to go back some time, even not during mardi gras.

in other news, i recently reconnected with an old fuck buddy. while it is nice to be having sex more often, i always feel like there's a certain spark missing when we hook up. even guys i've just had one time things with, i can instantly feel when there's that passion and urgency. with this guy, not so much...things are a little tamer. but we have enough fun that i'm not complaining as it is. plus he lives close to me and likes sleeping together like i do so i've stayed over a few nights. (yes i am not ashamed to admit i like cuddling and spooning lol) it is pretty clear he likes me more than i like him, so i wonder if that is playing a role for my lack of passion..you always want more what you can't have right?

oh yeah, that reminds me, i was planning on giving up masturbation for lent. i'm not catholic, but i like the concept of giving up something. a buddy of mine from hs and i actually tried giving up jerking off for lent one year. he managed to make it all the way, i think i lost it somewhere in the 30-day mark. in my defense he is actually catholic, so i think he may have had a little more impetus to stay true. anyway since that year, i've always wanted to go the full 40 days, but clearly have never had the willpower to do so. i was gonna try it again this year, but then i realized realistically i could never do it, even if i gave myself the caveat that i couldn't jerk off, but could still get off by another person. however, all is not lost as i will eventually be going on a month long trip with some buddies to celebrate the end of medical school. so given the lack of privacy i will have on that trip, i am thinking about celibacy for that period. given what a sex addict i am, i am sure that will fall through also, but i'm going to give it a shot haha.

finally, just wanted to say a word about the japan earthquake. i always feel really frivolous and guilty when i update because then i think about all the tragedy in the world i could be expending my energy on, but i guess if you wanted to read about that stuff you'd be somewhere else and not on this blog. so i will not be a debbie-downer and recognize that sometimes we all need an escape to the less profound things in life. but do take a moment to check out this link, it has some pretty powerful images from the quake. http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/03/massive_earthquake_hits_japan.html

alright, happy sunday everyone, hope ya got to sleep in and make up for that stupid daylight savings time!

one of the things i love about being in medicine is how it can always take you out of the bubble of your own life and make you truly appreciate life. every patient has a story to tell, and one of the best parts of my job is being allowed into a patient's life to find out their story. a person's state of health is so intimately wrapped in the details of their personal life that we as the healthcare provider can't help but be sucked into that world. some docs don't really like that and prefer to compartmentalize things and know the bare minimum to do their job, but i kind of like getting the whole story.

anyway, most of the time we kind of gloss over against the shit we see every day as somewhat of a defense mechanism, but sometimes there are just those moments where you still get hit by the gravity of a patient's condition. recently i had a patient, pretty young (as in his early 50s) who was in a coma after suffering cardiac arrest in the field. he was in the ICU and eventually going to be formally pronounced brain dead and put up for organ donation. so my team saw the patient and after we left the room to discuss his case, his wife came to visit. i watched her out of the corner of my eye as she walked in to the room. she gave her husband a small kiss on the forehead, quietly rearranged his blankets, and took a seat to watch over him. just seeing her little gestures of affection and knowing she would never be able to have her husband back, that even as he was in that room breathing with his heart still beating, he was already as good as gone forever from her....those are the hard parts of the day...but also the parts that remind me to be so thankful that i really only have stupid bratty first world problems to deal with.

on a day-to-day basis it's easy to get swept up in the chaos and drama of our own lives and even become overwhelmed by it sometimes, but i think as long as you maintain a healthy amount of perspective, you can always find something, someone to be joyful about in your life.

rank list done

another week done, another week closer to graduation. we turned in our rank list this week, which is basically a list prioritizing where you want to work after graduation. you don't actually get a choice; you prioritize everywhere you interviewed, the hospitals prioritize everyone they interview for a job, and some watson-like computer compares your list to the hospitals' and somehow spits out a match. given how important it is to get a job, some people have applied all over the country, from the east coast, west coast, midwest, south, etc etc. but they won't know where they'll end up until match day because you could end up anywhere from your first choice to your last choice depending how desirable a candidate you are. and once the match is made, you are essentially locked in, so even if you end up with your last choice in shitsville, you still have to accept your new position. if it sounds confusing and stupid, you're right, it is. but anyway, at least our part is done and out of our hands, so now just to wait for the official results in a few weeks.

in the meantime, i am doing my best to enjoy all the free time i now have. kind of like senioritis, but lamer 'cuz we as future professionals try to maintain some semblance of maturity. actually scratch that i feel like i'm back in undergrad again. i've been catching up on my tv, watching movies, playing videogames, drinking, going out, and sleeping late...pretty much exactly what i was doing a few years ago in college. there was this article in the WSJ recently about how guys in their 20s are perpetually stuck in adoloscence and......i agree! hey, if growing up means forgetting how to have fun, i never want to grow up.

the bad thing about all this idle time is that i am still as horny as ever. unfortunately i've dropped contact with most of my old hookup buddies so that avenue is kind of dead. i was even thinking about setting up an adam4adam account, but i am doing my best to refrain as i don't really want to go down that slutsville path again. so maybe i will just take a vow of celibacy til graduation lol.

distracted

this is a perfect lazy sunday. i have been trying to get some work done but thanks to the wonders of the internet, i have found plenty of distractions. it doesn't help that it seems to be one of those days where sex is the only thing on my mind. sometimes i seriously think i have a sex addiction, then i remember i'm a guy and it's normal hahaha. fuck though, i'm sure you are all familiar with how it feels to just be so horned up and have no release.

i am very pissed at this invention known as tumblr because one link just leads to another..kind of like wikipedia but not quite as educational. here are some NSFW links that i have been enjoying.

http://hotandhung.tumblr.com/
http://fuckyeahnakedguys.tumblr.com/

i think a good fuck with some of the guys in those pics would be sure to cure my raging horniness right now lol. i've definitely spent enough time dicking around today so i will try to get my mind focused after this. happy sunday!

RELIEF

i finally manned up and got HIV tested. i had been putting it off for being either busy or scared to find out the result. well, i am negative.

NEGATIVE!!! HUGE, huge relief. it's been 2.5 months since my exposure, so i am pretty confident this is a true negative. fyi, there is a window period for detection where it can be missed for as long as 6 months, but i am taking this result as a clean slate. a true clean slate this time...no more fucking around with unsafe sex. it just is not worth it, and the anxiety, fear and every emotion in between i've been dealing with since this latest exposure happened is more than enough. that all being said, i have to take this opportunity to soap box a little, both as a future doc and just as a regular guy facing the same risks and temptations we all do.


just don't fuck bareback.

(unless you completely, completely trust your partner is negative.)


we all know about HIV. i don't have to write a thousand-word essay to tell you all the bad things about it. unfortunately for whatever reason, HIV infection has actually increased in the past few years. the CDC has reported that the rate of new HIV infection is the highest in the under 30 population, probably the population most likely to be having unprotected sex, multiple partners, and probably the age group of a lot of the guys reading this blog.

everyone has their reasons for fucking without protection (i know i've had some very flimsy ones), but i doubt there's a single good one out there that is worth YOUR HEALTH. your own, insanely precious, immutable health. one thing i have definitely learned in medical school is how much we take for granted our good health and what a fucking gift it is to be healthy. why fuck it up for one, two, a few stupid loads?

i doubt anything i write could be that persuasive, but i thought i should try something as being a doctor is all about giving advice no one will listen to anyway. and i think one personally just has to get to that point to be responsible about one's sex practices---it's taken me awhile but i think i've finally gotten there.

bottom line, if you're not practicing safe sex already, just pause and think about it the next time. i know it's a completely different thing in the moment, but YOU, and your health, are just so much more valuable.

happy vday!

first of all, happy valentine's day to all, whether you have someone to spend it with or not.

i personally do not. i haven't really done anything for valentine's for the past few years, which is cool with me. at work today i was looking forward to coming home and getting some productive things done and hitting the gym tonight. but seeing people with flowers and gifts on the way home kinda bummed me out and now i just feel like sitting in bed wallowing in self-pity for a few hours lol. haha nah i'm good, more power to anyone who's having a special 2/14. i however, will be spending it listening to sappy 80s love song off pandora. right now "promise" by when in rome is on lol.

so by now you've probably heard about the chris lee/craigslist debacle. if not, do a google search. short story even shorter, a middle-aged, married congressman fudged some details about himself and responded to some craigslist personal ad and sent the woman a shirtless pic of himself, all off his own personal email account. once the woman found out who he was and went public with what he did, he just about instantly resigned. i could get into my love-hate relationship with craigslist, but for the sake of my dignity i will refrain from going into much detail (for now) lol. but this story is all the more reason why i have done my best to avoid random hookups off that, or any other site now. thank god for the republicans he wasn't responding to gay personals. another self-loathing homo congressman is probably the last thing the GOP wants right now. anyway i'm not saying i'd do him, but chris lee has a pretty good body for 46. i definitely wouldn't mind having a body like that at 46 lol.

i can't decide if the internet has been a force of good or evil, at least in regards to closeted men. on one hand it's an invaluable escape valve for releasing male sexual energy, but at the same time it probably keeps guys from seriously confronting and coming to terms with their sexual orientation when they can just pop online and arrange a quick hook-up. but then again, i don't really know what closeted guys did before the internet--rest stops? backwood roads? i can't imagine that being a much better alternative.

OK, i could spend days pontificating on the morality of craigslist hooking up, but given that it is valentine's day and cl is generally a depressing place, i will save it for another day. make love, be happy, think positive thoughts, and believe in the power of love!

buzzed

i just came in from a night out and i am a little buzzed right now. it was a pretty fun night. hit up a few bars with my friends and ended up having enough drinks to get a good buzz and have a good time. i flirted with a few chicks, but didn't really go much further with them. i probably could have, but decided that it probably wouldn't be a good idea for a random hookup tonight. i think i actually got hit on by a guy too, which is unusual because i was at 'straight' places and i don't typically get hit on by guys. i guess his gaydar was on point, or maybe i'm just seeing everything through beer goggles and taking anyone talking to me as an attempt to get in my pants lol. anyway it was fun, but bottom line i am here in bed alone and not having sex so you can judge yourself how much success i really had tonight lol.

but dude, one thing i wanted to write about before i head to bed is what a pet peeve phones are for me. i feel like people are so controlled by their phones. every few minutes inevitably someone is pulling out their phone to check something. call me old-fashioned, but i think it's pretty rude to do that when you're in someone else's company. unfortunately it's so commonplace that i think people don't think it's a big deal. it is incredibly obvious when you're out though. i guess most people have somewhere else they'd rather be 'cuz if you look around you'll see that pale blue glow of a cell phone and someone furiously texting an unknown party. i mean, if you're out and you're not enjoying the company of the people you're with, why the fuck are you there in the first place? i'm definitely not 100% innocent and i've had my fair share of furtive booty call texts i try to answer when i'm out, but it's definitely a little ridiculous how addicted people are to their cell phone. 

so i'm not a huge fan of jerry seinfeld but this clip about cell phones is pretty good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYDA7__znfY&feature=related

tomorrow's friday night, so if you're going out, just try to keep your cell phone deep in your pocket the whole night and observe how many people you can find in the bar looking to see what blackberry or iphone commands them to do lol.